Chapter 17
seventeen
There’s no bliss sitting against the door of my closet the next morning, listening to Cynnie’s soft sobbing.
She’s been in the closet for ten minutes. I’ve watched her each second through the camera I’ve stuck on the closet wall that’s feeding into my phone. My eyes are burning, and not because I’ve been staring at the phone without blinking.
I’ve hated every second of her punishment so far; I’m not sure how much more I can take.
Cynnie’s sitting on a pillow. I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable, just isolated.
She’s drawn up her knees and wrapped her arms around them.
Her head’s tilted against the closet wall.
She started sniffling after five minutes, crying after eight.
I’d planned to keep her in there for thirty minutes, but I’m not sure I can endure another five.
I tap my phone and text Jack.
What happens if I cut her punishment short?
The gray dots immediately bounce.
Jack: If she’s in distress, cut it short. If she’s not, you look weak. She needs you to be strong so she feels safe.
I grind my teeth as I respond.
Okay.
Jack sends me a thumbs up emoji. The dots bounce again.
Jack: Fucking sucks, doesn’t it? Punishment hurts us way more than them.
I rub my fingers over my forehead, which is brewing a nice tension headache.
I don’t want to do this. We had a great day yesterday. Great night. Great talk. Why am I doing this?
Jack’s name pops up on the screen as the phone buzzes with an incoming call.
“Walk away from the closet so she can’t hear us,” he says, without any greeting, which works for me.
I climb up off the floor and cross my loft to the stairs. “How’d you know I was sitting next to the closet?” I ask.
“Because that’s where I sit when I put Sammi in the closet. He’s my boy. Do you really think I’m such a dick that I’m not suffering when he’s in there?”
“No, sorry, man. I didn’t mean it like that.”
Jack blows out a breath. “It’s okay. The first couple of punishments can make you crazy. Hell, punishment still makes me crazy occasionally. But you’re doing it for the right reasons. She needs you to set boundaries and be firm about enforcing them.”
“Not because she hurt me so I’m hurting her back? Because that’s what this feels like.”
“Is that what you’re doing?” he asks.
“Yes. No. Fuck it, Jack. I don’t know. I wanted a punishment that would make her feel the way I felt. But I hate that she’s in there crying, and I can’t comfort her.”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “I get that, but I think you’ve got to stick it out. How long did you tell her she was in the closet for?”
“I didn’t. I just told her I’d turn off the music when she could come out. Playlist is thirty minutes.”
“Try to stick out the thirty. If you just can’t deal, turn off the music at twenty-five. But you’ll feel better about yourself and the punishment if you can go the distance.”
“Will I? Nothing about this feels good right now.”
“I know,” he says. “Stay the course, man. You have a way to check on her, right?”
“Yes.”
“Then go do something to distract yourself for five minutes. Anything, even if it’s just taking a piss. Doesn’t matter. You need to give your mind a rest. Then you can go back to it without feeling like the world’s ending just because you put your girlfriend in a closet for a half-hour.”
I chuckle weakly at his characterization of my plight. “It gets better, right?”
“Sorta. You’ll get more used to the feelings. I’m not saying you ever have to enjoy punishments, but at least they won’t tear you up quite so badly. What are you planning for aftercare?”
“Bath and cuddles. She has to work later.”
“Okay, lots of pampering in the bath. Play with her. Wash her hair. Whatever you can to keep your hands on her and help her feel safe and loved. Be prepared for her to want sex as reassurance.”
I scratch my neck as I walk downstairs to blend up some breakfast smoothies. I didn’t want to eat anything before Cynnie’s punishment, in case I ended up puking.
“We had sex this morning,” I tell him. “I want to separate punishments and sex. I understand how they’re linked in her mind, and I want to break that link. I woke her up and made sure she had two orgasms and then relaxed for a while before I started the punishment.”
“You’re doing all the right things,” says Jack. “I know it doesn’t feel like it at this moment, but you’re doing fine.”
I blow out a long breath, willing myself to relax. “I absolutely hate this, Jack.”
“Look, you may never have to do this again. There are some punishments I’ve used on Sammi that I did once and never again because they were too hard on me.
It’s much easier to have direct contact with your subbie while they’re being punished so you can reassure yourself they’re okay.
But I’ll tell you now, it’s very hard to resist the urge to stop the punishment and cuddle them if they’re in touching distance.
You’ll find your groove, Max. This is your first punishment. Go easy on yourself.”
“Thanks, man. Was Sammi your first boy?”
“No. I played around with this while I was in college. Not with a little, but with a guy who was submissive to me. I fucked it up royally. I got married for a couple of years and destroyed that relationship, too. Then I met Sammi, and everything clicked into place. I knew what I was born to be. It hasn’t been smooth sailing.
Sammi’s a fucking challenge every single day.
But it’s a very different kind of challenge and nothing makes me happier than being his daddy.
Give it some time and see if you feel the same thing. ”
I lean against the kitchen counter and rest my forehead against the cabinet’s cool glass. “The three days she was with me, before she ghosted me, they were the best days of my life, Jack.”
“You’re like me, Max. You were born to be a daddy. I know it’s hard when you’re still finding your footing but I swear it’s worth it.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” I tell him.
“Stick with it. Can’t be much more than ten minutes now.”
I pull the phone away from my face to check the timer and the camera feed.
Eleven minutes. Cynnie’s still leaning against the closet wall, her body in a ball.
As I watch, she sniffles and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.
No signs of real distress. No safe word.
But fuck if my heart isn’t squeezing-squeezing-squeezing in my chest to see her cry.
“I will. Again, thank you, buddy.”
“You’re welcome. If you feel like it’s imploding again, ring me. I’m on call today but otherwise, I’m just hanging out at home until Sammi gets back from his sister’s.”
“Appreciate it, Jack.”
I hang up with a smile and start assembling a banana and blueberry smoothie.
Jack’s not wrong about how Cynnie is when I open the closet door and help her out. It’s like a baby animal clinging to its mother. I see why Logan calls Emily his “koala baby.”
I carry her to the edge of my bed and feed her the smoothie I’ve made in sips while I comfort her.
Murmuring to her how proud I am of her taking her punishment, wiping her wet cheeks, feeling the little tremors shaking her subside under my touch, a sense of profound contentment wells up in me.
In this moment, I’m the best of men. Not because I can save the world or cure cancer, but because I can give the woman in my arms peace and security.
Maybe Jack’s right. Maybe this is what I was born to do.
“I hates the closet,” Cynnie whispers against my collar.
“I hated putting you in the closet, bumble baby. I never want to do that again. Please don’t make me. We’ll make some rules about communication, and you’ll follow them like the good girl I know you are, and we won’t have to use the closet again.”
She nods. “You’z give me spankings even when I’m good?”
“I will. We’ll have a big spanking scene the next time I see you. But for now, let’s get you in the bath, okay? A nice bath and then you’ll go home in time for church with your Baachan?”
She sniffles. “I’z don’t want to go home. Everyone hates me there.”
“Baby, no one hates you. Your family loves you. They worry about you, which is why they were so angry when you disappeared for three days, so we’re not going to do that to them again.
You’re going home after your bath. If you want to come back tonight, I’d love to see you, but you are going home today. ”
She clings to me tighter. “Kay-kay. You want me back tonight?”
“I do. If you can come in time for dinner, we could make dinner together tonight and then see that movie we were talking about before a good-girl spanking and bedtime.”
“I’z want that. Can I bring my laptop and come early?”
“Of course. I’d love to have you around this afternoon.”
“And you chase me?”
“Is that what you’d like? I chase you and catch you and give you a big spanking?”
I feel her smile against my neck. “Yes, all that.”
“That’s the plan, then. Let’s make it even more fun. I want you to bring something special with you to wear during the scene. Do you have a onesie or something?”
She’s silent for a long moment and I wonder if I’ve made a mistake.
“I’z do. Maybe you not like it?”
“What it is, baby?”
“Bumble,” she mutters.
“Yes.” I squeeze her. “You’re my bumble-baby. What is your special outfit?”
“Bumble,” she repeats.
I realize what she’s saying. “You have a bumble-bee onesie? That would be perfect.”
“Really? You’z like it?”
“I would. That would make tonight very special. What time d’you think you’ll be back?”
“Three?”
“Perfect. Now, let’s have that bath, huh?”
“Bumbles drown in baths.”
“Ah, but even bumbles like to splash about in puddles, I bet.” I’m completely making this up. I have no idea how bees clean themselves. I see some hasty research in my future. “I promise you, I won’t let my bumble drown. I’ll even sit in the bath with you to make sure you’re safe.”
“Kay-kay.”
I can hear the grin that’s growing in her voice. When I pick her up and carry her into the bathroom, her snuggling has a completely different tone.