Chapter 17
seventeen
LOGAN
When I was at my lowest after finding out about Livvy’s paternity and doubting whether I could be the Daddy Emmy needs, Max told me about his feeling of Daddyness.
He described it as a swell of joy and terror.
A sense that everything was right with the world when he was with his little and that he had to protect her from the entire universe.
Daddyness swells my chest as Emmy comes skipping into the kitchen.
She’s wearing PJs, probably because she’s been playing with Olivia.
We’re still figuring out how to incorporate the baby into our naked-time but for now it’s just when we’re all in the bath.
Emmy’s dark curls are topped with the black cat ears she’s been wearing recently, which turn the swell of Daddyness into a tsunami.
Her hair’s caught back in a ponytail after Livvy grabbed a big curl and stuffed it in her mouth earlier.
Emmy’s expression as she washed milky-saliva out of her hair in the kitchen sink was priceless.
I predict her lingering issues with mess will dissolve under the messiness that is caring for an infant.
I quickly swallow the cookie I sneaked while waiting for my baby doll and open my arms. She snuggles in but turns a very suspicious glare up at me. I nearly choke at the adorableness of her owl-eye.
“You have crumbs in your beard, Daddy,” Emmy observes.
I wipe my chin. Damn beard. I should have shaved. “Did I not tidy up properly after dinner, baby?” I ask innocently.
Her eyes narrow. “Those look like oatmeal cookie crumbs.”
They are, indeed. “More likely those delicious mini-quiches you served tonight. I couldn’t get enough of those.”
She’s not confident enough to call me a liar but I’m getting an intense owl-eye. “Do I need to count the oatmeal cookies?”
Damn, I didn’t think of that. “Sable might have gotten one or two.”
She swivels in my arms to look at her cat, who is lying upside-down on the carpet near the dining table, his belly distended from all the scraps he got fed under the table at the dinner party. He stretches in true cat nonchalance under Emily’s regard.
“Please tell me you didn’t give him oatmeal cookies, Daddy? Human food really isn’t good for him. It makes him stinky.”
Oatmeal cookies are probably the least egregious of the human food Sable got fed tonight. I saw Sammi sneak him a whole mini-quiche.
“I thought Ryan said he was okay eating human food as long as it doesn’t make up the main part of his diet?”
“Master Ryan did but he gets so stinky when he eats human food. It can’t be good for his tummy. Did you give him a cookie?”
“No?”
“Did you eat the cookies yourself?” she asks, planting her fists on her hips. Exasperated baby doll is such a cute look.
“Possibly?”
“Daddy!”
I laugh, swing her up into my arms, and spin around with her. She grabs at my neck to hold on and giggles her enchanting giggle.
I set her down on one of the kitchen stools and slide the plate of cookies and a glass of warm milk in front of her. Then I immediately steal a cookie off her plate and chomp it down in two bites. I lick frosting off my fingers. “Delicious.”
Emily shakes her head at me but takes a cookie and nibbles at it. “They are good,” she admits after chewing ten times. “Bren’s right about the ginger. Really adds flavor.”
I rub my belly emphatically. “Yum-yum for Daddy’s tum.”
She giggles. I hand her a cookie and encourage her to feed it to me, which she does, grinning.
“I saw you getting buddy-buddy with Matty earlier. What do you think of Matty and Faolan?” I ask.
She takes a sip of milk to clear her mouth before saying, “Matty’s great. Did you know she’s a masochistic little like me?”
“Faolan mentioned they go for heavy play.”
Emmy nods, her ponytail bouncing. “Could we do some scenes with them at the club?”
“We could,” I agree. “I’ll talk with Faolan about scheduling a scene or two. He might make a fine Viking-Daddy.”
Emily’s eyes go rounder than any owl’s. “Viking-Daddy,” she whispers. “I think I need to be raided and pillaged.”
I laugh. “That can be arranged, little girl. Are you okay with this ‘art attack’ play date? I don’t want you taking on too much right now.”
“I’m okay with it. As long as I keep my mornings free for writing, I’m good.” Her face creases. “Mac’s going to take Livvy tomorrow morning for the first time. I’m not sure how I feel about that, Daddy.”
“Why, baby?”
She chews on her lower lip. I pinch it between my fingers and give it a tug until she looks up at me.
“I’m just really enjoying getting to know Livvy and I want to take her to see the Rexes. We haven’t done that yet.”
“Could we do that together soon instead of you going alone tomorrow?”
She nods slowly.
“Baby, I know you’re having fun with Livvy but it’s important you keep on top of your deadlines. Let’s see how tomorrow goes and if you feel like you want to adjust the schedule so you have more time with the baby after tomorrow, we’ll revisit it.”
That gets me a smile. “Okay, Daddy.”
I kiss her forehead. “Good girl. We haven’t had a chance to talk again about how you’re feeling about your mum. I know the last visit was very hard for you.”
Emmy sighs. “I knew it was coming. I just felt so stupid and helpless when she got lost in her belief that Frances was dead. I didn’t know whether to argue with her or go along with it or what. I know what the doctors said but it felt so wrong.”
I shift so I’m standing close to her stool and she can lean against my chest. “You did all the right things, sweetheart. It’s important not to upset her.”
“I know.”
I kiss her forehead again. “You’re my very brave girl, Emmy. I know a lot of people who would simply stop visiting her. You’re a good daughter.”
Emily blinks wet eyes up at me. “She’ll never know who Livvy is. I think that’s the thing that hurts the worst.”
I think she’s displacing. Violette doesn’t know her own daughter anymore. That’s the thing that hurts the worst.
“Baby, remember what we talked about? You can only control yourself. What’s important is that you’re showing up for your mum. You can’t control her reactions. The disease is dictating those now. But you can show up for her and keep showing up for her.”
Emmy nods sadly. “She won’t ever get better, will she?”
“The doctors don’t think so, sweetheart.”
“And she could live a long time.”
“She could. But she’s not in any pain. She’s comfortable. She’s safe.”
“Is it enough, Daddy? Is that the best I can do for her?”
“I think so. What do you think of this new home?”
“It’s good. It’s clean and her room is nice.
She likes the greenhouse. It’s warm in there which is better for her.
I was worried about her going out into the garden in the winter in Syracuse.
She’s not good about coming inside when she gets chilled.
I worried she’d get sick. They can’t check on her all the time. ”
“Then it’s good she’s at this home where she won’t get cold. You’ve given her a nice environment where she can enjoy the same things but she’s safer. You’re doing all the right things, Emmy.”
“I just wish she knew Livvy,” Emily says, her voice so sad my chest aches. I slip my arm around her.
“I wish she knew you. I wish she could see what a little wonder you are. How well you’re taking care of Livvy. How much you love our family. But I can see all those things, baby. Is it enough that Daddy sees them?”
She tips her face up to me and a smile peeks through the tears. “Yes, Daddy.”
I give her a gentle, oatmeal-flavored kiss.
“Daddy, can I ask what happened with Shannie tonight? You came out of your office with a huge frowny on.”
I tip my head forward so our foreheads touch and look into a single, hazel eye that blinks back at me.
“Shannie had a bad experience at the club with some of Master Drew’s guests. We’re going to have to review safety protocols with the members, and maybe put a new rule or two in place to ensure the house submissives are safe around guests.”
“Guests hurt Shannie? I thought guests weren’t allowed to scene with house submissives without a member?”
“They surrounded her and two Doms and scared her. They didn’t touch her but they made the scene environment so frightening that she didn’t want to continue the scene.”
“Did she use her safe word?” Emily asks.
I swallow hard. Emmy’s not being hurtful; she’s just asking the questions anyone will ask. But it’s a question I find hard to answer. And the answer hits differently when Shannie’s not sitting beside me, radiating fear and shame.
“No. She was scared that if she did, her Doms would lose control of the scene.”
Emily nods. “I’ve seen that once, where the crowd kind of turned against the Dom.
It was a flogging at a dungeon party and the Dom kept going when a lot of people watching called for him to stop.
I guess it’s not exactly the same thing but it felt ugly and angry and dangerous.
I left right afterwards because the vibe got so weird. ”
My shoulders drop an inch and the tension tightening my back recedes.
Emily saying she’s felt something similar normalizes Shannie’s reactions.
Not that Shannie’s feelings need validation.
They’re real and valid on their own. I’ve just never felt anything like what Shannie and Emily experienced.
I’ve always felt buoyed by the crowd watching my scenes.
Hearing that Emily’s had a similar experience gives me another point of access into Shannie’s fear.
“She also said that Annabelle would talk to Mac. We need to get to the bottom of why she quit.”
Emmy rubs my shoulder. “You will, Daddy. And you’ll help fix it.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Thank you for your faith, baby doll. I felt terrible talking to Shannie. I let her down in such a big way. I’ve let all of the house subs down.”
Her little hand wraps around my biceps and gives me a squeeze.
“You weren’t any good to them the way you were, Daddy.
Burned out and grieving. Grief is a funny thing.
It twists your head around. Makes you doubt everything about yourself.
I know I felt that way after my divorce.
It took me a long time to feel like myself again.
I know it’s not your nature but sometimes you have to put yourself first for a little while before you can give other people what they need. ”
“Thank you for understanding, Emmy. I know she wasn’t trying to be hurtful and she said she forgives me but Shannie emphasized that the reason she didn’t come to me in the first place was because I withdrew from the club. I just wonder if I’d stayed and limped along, given as much as I could—”
Emily shakes her head, rolling her forehead against mine. “This isn’t something you can half-bottom, Daddy.”
A laugh breaks out of me. “Half-bottom, huh?”
She grins, the skin around her merged eyes crinkling. “You have to be all in with the house submissives, Daddy. Bren would have skinned you alive if you’d tried to limp along.”
“Very true,” I admit. “I still feel like I’ve failed them.”
“You haven’t failed them because you’re here now, fixing things.
And I know my Daddy will help fix it. Because that’s what my Daddy does.
He makes things better. He’s not Dumbledore.
He can’t wave a wand at it. He’s my Batman Daddy.
He’s the one who fights the hard fight. The fight he’s not sure of winning.
He’s the one who does the things that need doing. The hero we deserve.”
My throat tightens again. “Is that what I am, baby doll?”
She puts down the cookie and loops both arms around my neck.
“You are. You’re proud of me? I’m double-proud of you.
Triple-proud, even. You could have walked away, too.
You could have just been a club member and ignored the problems with the house subbies.
You could have left it to Master Ryan. It was his problem.
You made it yours. You stepped up. I love you so much, Daddy, and I’m a zillion-times proud of you. ”
I pull her off the stool and into my arms. She wraps her legs around my hips. “A zillion-times, huh? That’s lots of proud.”
“It is.” She presses kisses over my chin.
“I know helping the house subbies has been hard. It’s made you feel guilty.
It’s made you feel inadequate. But my Daddy doesn’t shy away from hard things.
My Daddy keeps his baby on the horse until all the stinky green stuff comes out.
My Daddy asks the hard questions and keeps asking until he gets the real answers. My Daddy doesn’t give up.”
“Baby, your faith in me, it’s everything.”
She squeezes my neck and hums a tune I recognize, “If I ever lose my faith in you . . .”
“Won’t happen, baby girl. Because I will never give you a reason to lose your faith in me.”
She plasters kisses all over my face and giggles when I carry her upstairs to bed.