Chapter 19 #2
“Not like you do. But I had a hole in my heart. Wasn’t even an Amy-sized hole.
I’d given up on being her Dom a long time ago.
It was a failure-sized hole. Maxie mentioned somethin’ he and Myles talked about.
About topping our girls being a chance for a do-over, a chance for a clean win.
That’s definitely the hole I was toting around. ”
“Is your relationship with Bren a do-over?” I ask. Because that makes sense. I knew Mac felt he’d failed Amy.
“Better,” Mac says. “It’s a do-above. It’s a fresh start with better tools, better skills. I can’t regret my failure with Amy because it taught me to be the Dom Bren needs. I wouldn’t be able to handle my DirtyGurl if I hadn’t topped Amy for all those years.”
“She is a challenge,” I say, not envying Mac that challenge at all. She’d drive me crazy.
“Fucking Everest,” Mac says.
I chuckle, remembering Theo saying something similar.
“You know she got that worked into one of her tattoos?” Mac asks.
I shake my head. I don’t make close inspection of Brenna’s tattoos.
“It’s the one on her thigh, with the barbed wire.
She worked a little outline of the Himalayas and my name into the tattoo.
She said she wouldn’t overwrite her history but she wanted to show how I’d conquered her. ”
“Damn.”
I need to look at the tattoo. And not feel too envious. I have no reason to be. Emily’s wearing one of my brands already. But it’s not my name.
I got the “X” brand custom-made. I bet they could make a “Daddy” brand.
Thinking happy Daddy-brand thoughts, I stretch out on my cot and take my shift of power-napping while Mac cleans up our dinner and goes to poke around with the wizard wand.
When I wake up, Mac tells me he found and disposed of three more mommy cams, including one in the central hallway that leads from the dungeons to the changing rooms, office, and kitchen.
“You’re fucking kidding me,” I grumble. “Joker’s B watched me install all the goddamn cameras?”
“Looks that way. The vent’s in the middle of the hallway. Good view in all directions.”
I rub the bridge of my nose. “I fucked up. I was so focused on Maxie going to England to collect Livvy that I didn’t use him on this job the way I should have. I should have had him sweep the whole building first.”
“That’s neither cost-effective nor in the spec for this job, Lo.
Sacrum hired you to install a CCTV system.
That’s what they could afford. You went above-and-beyond, the way you always do, to solve their problem.
But let’s be clear, you have not failed them.
You have not fucked up. You’re taking the world on your shoulders again, son. ”
I roll my shoulders to show that I’m not bearing anything on them other than my sweater. “Taking on too much is kind of the job description for a Daddy Dom.”
Mac nods. “Sure is, when it comes to Emmy. But this job is not your little girl. Separate them in your mind.”
He’s right.
“I hate not fixing shit,” I admit.
“I know. It’s what makes you good at your job, good at managing the house subs, and good at being Emmy’s daddy.
But there’s a difference between fixing shit and tilting at windmills.
You cannot take on the whole world’s problems. Emmy’s your priority.
Take on too much when it comes to her. Everything else?
Do what you can to fix the shit but accept that you can’t solve the world’s ills. ”
I nod. “You’re right.”
“I know I am. I also know it’s going to take more than one of these talks to convince you. Tap me when you’re ready for the next one.”
I chuckle. “Yes, sir.”
Mac rubs his chin. “It’s been a while since you called me that. I’ve been getting used to not hearing it from anyone but my girl.”
“Sorry, Mac. That hadn’t occurred to me.”
“S’okay. It’s just a change. A good one.” He steeples his hands over his belly. “Don’t know if I mentioned it but I called Annabelle.”
“Did she speak to you?”
Mac shakes his head. “Not in depth yet. She asked me for some time. She says she’s still processing. I asked if I could call her back day after tomorrow and she said yes. We’ll see how it goes.”
“Good,” I say. “I emailed Chess and asked to add member retraining and guest security issues to the next management committee meeting agenda.”
“He get back to you?” Mac asks.
“No but he doesn’t usually the same day. Chess likes to sleep on things, as he’s told me a million times.”
“Fair enough,” Mac says but it’s a grumble.
“’Long as he’s not asleep at the switch.
Can’t say as I’m overly impressed with his handling of the things I’ve seen.
He’s supposed to be top dog. Buck stops with him.
Sure, we can blame the situation with the house subs on your friend Ryan but Chess should have realized things were going south long before it got to this state. ”
“This isn’t an excuse but his wife died not that long ago.”
Mac shrugs. “We all got shit going on. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic but if he’s grieving and not up to managing the club then he needs to step back.”
“From a financial perspective,” I say, playing Devil’s advocate, “the club’s running well.”
“Financial matters can stay in the same hands,” Mac allows. “I’m talkin’ about managing people, not money.”
“Agreed.”
“You wanna be chairman?” he asks.
“Fuck.” I rub my hands over my face. “Really?”
Mac sits back on his cot, propped on his hands behind him. He hums something. It takes me a moment before I recognize Tracy Chapman’s “Talkin’ Bout a Revolution.”
“I figure you’ve got the seniority,” Mac says. “But if you don’t want it, I’d understand. Maude’d be my second pick.”
“Maude,” I confirm. “Emmy’s always got to be my first priority. Maude’s well-liked by most of the members. She’s steady and thoughtful. She’ll lead the club well.”
Mac nods. “That’s settled then.”
“Good. I’m flattered you thought of me, Mac.”
Mac shakes his head. “Someday, Lo, you’re gonna see yourself the way everyone else sees you.” He chuckles. “Maybe it’s better you don’t. I like the little drop of humility you got left.”
I snort at him.