Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Dallas
I slowly waken, and it takes me a second to realize I’m still in Josette’s bed. Looking over, I see she’s still asleep. As I watch her breathe, my mind reels. Last night, I expected her to call me out for being Bodacious Buckaroo, but though she seemed nervous at first, she eventually settled and acted like nothing at all was bothering her.
Then she instigated the sexy times, and I kind of panicked for a minute. I know we should’ve cleared the air, first. But she seemed so desperate for the connection, and her kisses and soft touches made me forget everything but that moment. I don’t exactly regret anything that happened. I could never regret being with her. But I do feel a sliver of guilt for not laying everything out on the table before I took her to bed.
I don’t like this. I don’t like Josette keeping this secret from me. Why would she do that? Taking her anxiety into consideration, it slowly dawns on me that she’s probably nervous I’d bail if I found out she’s JoeyB.
At least, I hope that’s the case, and she’s not still trying to decide if she wants to be with me now that she knows the truth. On some level, I know that’s ridiculous. If she didn’t want to be with me, she’d have called me out already. And definitely wouldn’t have invited me over and let me spend the night last night.
It’s much more likely that she’s all in her head about it, certain that I wouldn’t want her if I knew the truth. She doesn’t know that our online interactions only make my days brighter. Even though I’ve always assumed JoeyB was a man, nothing on Cackle entertained me more than our little verbal tiffs. I always kind of thought we could be bros in real life. Like, hanging out and arguing over movies in more of a good-natured way.
And now, knowing that “he” is a “she,” and she is Josette? I know I was right. We do get along.
If the idea that they were both one and the same didn’t seem so farfetched, I might have even figured it out on my own. Josette loves all the same movies as JoeyB. Hell, she told me Joe Vs the Volcano was her favorite Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan flick, and that’s her handle. It just never occurred to me to put two and two together.
I should wake her up right now and put it all out on the table. That I know the truth, and I know she knows it, too. We can hash it out and be done with it before I go to work.
No. I can’t do that. I can’t have this huge conversation with her, then leave her to her own devices. I need to wait until we have plenty of time, and I can stick around to make sure she doesn’t get all twisted up over what she assumes I’m thinking or feeling. She’ll pull away, thinking I’m better off without the drama. I need to be able to prove I’m not going anywhere, that what I feel for her is rock solid and nothing as stupid as an online beef is going to chase me away.
The alarm on my phone starts playing, startling me. I reach over and shut it off quickly, and when I look back at Josette, she’s blinking at me drowsily.
“Sorry about that,” I whisper. “I need to get going so I have time to shower and get ready for work.”
She gives me a sleepy smile, and my chest pinches. Nope. Definitely can’t clear the air, now. She looks too content. Happy , even. I lean over to press a sweet, gentle kiss to her lips. She moans quietly before snuggling deeper into her pillow and falling back to sleep.
Grabbing my clothes from the floor and pulling them on as quietly as possible, I walk on soft feet as I leave her bedroom. I stop and turn back, watching her for a few beats as my heart rattles in my chest.
I can’t lose her over this. I can’t lose what we’ve found.
But we can’t go on pretending neither of us knows, either.
Fuck, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
“Just ask, already,” I sigh after finding Linc watching me with a curious expression for the umpteenth time today.
I know he’s been dying to ask about my conversation with Josette since Royal revealed our online connection. I’ve been ignoring the looks for most of the morning, but as we get ready to break for lunch, I know the questions will come. Might as well bite the bullet and get it over with now.
“How did your talk with Joey go?” he asks with a tiny smirk.
It’s a bit of a shock, hearing him call her that. I don’t know how he’s gone this long without saying it before. I guess we haven’t actually talked about her that much.
“I went over last night. We ordered takeout and watched a movie.”
“And?” he asks.
“And it didn’t come up,” I murmur, guilt making my cheeks heat.
“You didn’t talk to her about it?” he asks, his eyes wide and worried.
“I couldn’t,” I say, my tone a little more defensive than I’d like. I heave out a long breath. “She distracted me before I could mention it, and this morning…I don’t know, Linc. I’m not sure if you know this, but Josette–– Joey ––suffers from anxiety. I couldn’t lay it all out this morning, then leave her to stress and obsess over it all day while I come to work. ”
Linc’s face tenses, and I scrub my palm down mine before locking gazes with him and telling him to just say what he wants to say.
“It’s not really my business, and even if it were, I don’t exactly have experience with this kind of situation, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “I think you should talk to her. The longer this secret swells between you, the more it will fester.”
I ponder his words for a moment, then sigh. “I hear what you’re saying, and normally, I’d agree, but this is technically Josette’s secret. She figured out who I am first, and she didn’t say anything. I’m nervous to bring it up and tell her that I know before she’s ready to talk it through. I want to give her whatever time she needs to work through this on her own and decide how she wants to proceed. With our relationship, I mean.”
“You can’t just let this go on forever. At some point, you’re going to have to come clean if she doesn’t, and the longer you wait, the worse it’ll be,” he says, then claps me on the back before leaving me to my thoughts.
He’s right, of course. Josette very well could decide to pretend like she doesn’t know. Like, forever. I need a plan. And a timeline.
Maybe I could slowly reframe our online relationship until she feels comfortable enough to tell me the truth. If we stop acting like enemies on Cackle, she’ll be more comfortable with me being Bodacious Buckaroo. Right?
When we break for lunch, I open the app and tap out a post. When I’m done, I tuck my phone away and stare at nothing as my mind races. Will JoeyB reply? Even if she doesn’t want to, she might, anyway, so there’s no sudden shift in our online dynamic that might give her away.
I pull my phone out and open the app again. Not because I think she might’ve replied. No, I’ve got notifications for that. I just want to reread what I wrote and make sure I still feel good about it.
There’s a delicate line between egging her into replying and making her decide I’m not the man for her, after all. And I’ll walk that tightrope any day of the week if it works toward ending these secrets between us.
God, I need to make that happen. I already feel like Josette is mine. I sure as hell know I belong to her.
And I need it to stay that way, no matter what.