Chapter 12
Ethan
“I think we should let one of the staff trainees do it,” Jordan suggests.
I know who he means by that. There’s only one staff trainee out of the six hundred employees across the board who can do what he’s suggesting, and it’s Bonnie Russo.
Mike, Jordan, Sajid, and I are in the small conference room, brainstorming on the next steps before launching our latest product, Dreadlite, which is a large collection of avatar accessories, clothing, and weapon skins for the best-selling online game, Dread.
“I agree,” Mike says. “Sajid and I don’t have to do everything now that we’ve got two kickass mid-level associates. And can I just say, great work to all of us who made the orientation and training process smooth for Bonnie and Owen.”
One kickass associate and another regular one, I think, but not unkindly. Bonnie is in a class of her own, and when pitched against someone else, it automatically becomes an unfair pairing.
The day after that incident in my office, I took Will aside, instructing him to ensure that I had as little contact as possible with Bonnie, and unless absolutely necessary.
He was only too glad to oblige, given that he still feels possessive of her.
I question how the dude’s brain works because I’m pretty sure he doesn't have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting with Bonnie. But I don’t pretend to know the rules around unrequited crushes.
Of all the things that I am, a man who forces his attention on a woman who doesn't completely reciprocate his feelings is not one of them. I'm sure that a part of Bonnie wants me, but that's not enough for me. She either wants me unequivocally or not at all.
So far, Will has done a brilliant job, although that hasn't stopped my obsession with her.
It's frankly sickening how much I think about her since I discovered that thoughts of her distract me from the anxiety I get on a daily basis from general lack of control and clutter. It's now my favorite technique to manage anxiety.
And when I can’t avoid being around her, like in meetings or mock presentations, I study her.
I’m fascinated by the way she moves, her quick smile and her sharp wit. Unfortunately, I also see how effortlessly sexy she is. And how very aware of it. She knows the effect she has on men and milks it.
It's in her confident strut. The way she leans over and holds men’s gazes. The way she absently fingers her collarbone or throws her head back while ruffling her short, glossy curls while giving them sultry looks. It's unpracticed, yet men fall around her like flies.
Perhaps because I didn't allow myself to see her, the need to communicate with her in other ways grew so strong that I began sending screen messages and emails more frequently. And recently, I've been doing it daily.
Seeing as she too works late on most days, I now delay my messages till later in the evening. Knowing it was just us two left in the office made it feel like I was speaking to her privately.
At first she would only ever reply with 'thank you's, but after some time, she started asking for advice.
Although I kept things strictly professional, she might as well have been naked in my bed with the way my cock would twitch and harden in response to Bonnie asking for my help.
This is the third week we've been doing this now and I don't know how many more cold showers I could take. Not that they help. It's very clear that there's no way in hell I could ever hope to have a purely professional relationship with her.
I want her in a way I've never wanted any woman before.
I want to lay myself bare before her and tell her every single thing that makes me tick. To tell her my deepest darkest secret because something tells me she can take it. Because I sense she's no stranger to darkness.
To bury myself so deeply in her that she wouldn't be able to tell where I stop and where she begins. To spend days memorizing every inch of her body with my tongue.
I want to hear her moan my name and see what she looks like when she's coming my cock.
“Ethan?” Three pairs of eyes focus on me.
“What?” I have no clue what anyone just said.
“We think Bonnie should handle it.”
Handle Dreadlite. My latest creation. Yep, I knew it. Fuuuck.
It'll kill me but I'm going to have to say no.
I don a mask of cold indifference. “Absolutely not. She hasn’t handled anything like this project before, not even under supervision.”
“I can guide her. Besides, you're here, and you created it,” Jordan replies.
“No way. Her probation period isn’t over yet. New employees are usually under a three to six-month probation.”
Mike huffs out a laugh. “We are well aware of that. Like there’s any way she’d come out with anything other than a confirmation. Hell, she might even become a junior partner at this rate.”
“Hold the fuck up, Mike. Let’s not get crazy here. She is a staff-trainee, and junior partner isn't for another two promotions. That’s three years away at least,” I say.
“Mike is exaggerating yes, but Bonnie’s on the right track. Anyone with eyes can see that. No pun intended.” Jordan cocks his eyebrow.
“Piss off,” I say affectionately. Between Jordan and Grant, I don't think there's a single eye joke left on earth I haven't yet heard.
“Anyway, she’s been operating on the level of an associate for some time. She might as well get fully confirmed as an associate and have Dreadlite to cut her newly minted teeth on.” Jordan continues.
It’s not that I don’t think she’s capable. I know she is. But if she gets Dreadlite, I’m fucked. It means we’ll be working closely together.
I have no reason to deny her this project except the fact that it wouldn't be wise to be around her.
My life, and the lives of everyone I love, including possibly those in this room, depend on me having my shit together due to how dangerous what I do every night is.
Having Bonnie on Dreadlite is probably best for the company, but it could be suicide for me.
So, I choose what’s best for me: predictability, control, and keeping my demons contained.I dig in my heels.
“There’s just a few things to consider,” I begin. “Not the least of which is the fact that she’s just a few months in. There are others with more seniority compared to her. You can’t just hand her a token promotion to justify giving her something her seniors haven't had a chance to do.”
“Yes, and even those seniors have started getting her to solve their problems for them!” Mike interjects. “Do you know how many times I’ve caught her doing someone else’s job? How many interns she’s taken under her wing? Bonnie is a force you want to nurture rather than fight against.”
It’s still a no. “She’s not been here long enough to have loyalties to us. We expose her too soon to trade secrets, and we’ll have to watch her leave to go elsewhere.”
“Are you going to be unreasonable about this issue again? Ethan, why not her? Bonnie has proven more than capable, she’s brilliant, and solves problems even before they come up,” Jordan points out patiently, as if speaking to a bad-tempered child.
I could give a you lecture on how phenomenal she is jackass.
In the last month, the things I've discovered that Bonnie can do are alarming. And such a fucking turn-on . I rein in my thoughts.
“Jordan, why don’t you—” I start.
“Hell no! I’m not fucking doing it!" He explodes. "Not while I’ve got so much going on with Apex and in my personal life, not to mention there are two people we’ve hired who can stand in for me. Well, only one person I’d pick for this very project. Dreadlite is so well programmed that this is the best chance to get someone green on it. If you want someone’s loyalty, you need to show them you trust them back,” he argues.
He’s right, and so are Mike and Sajid. Bonnie is such a big character and so well-liked. Interns flock to her like chicks to a mother hen. But it takes at least six to twelve months for a new launch to settle. If she gets involved with Dreadlite now, she’ll be underfoot for a whole year.
I don’t see myself surviving that. Three months in, and I’m already a fucking basket case. And that’s with her being kept at arm's length.
I'm going to have to overturn the majority vote again. “It doesn’t feel right. I’m afraid it's a no.”
Exasperated sighs and curses burst out of the men in the room.
“Would you guys give us the room, please?” Jordan says to Mike and Sajid. “I need to speak to Ethan alone. I’ll update you later.”
Aww shit . Jordan is ruthless when he wants something. I might as well give up now because he won't stop pushing me until he draws blood. I debate telling him everything.
But I need to consider that Bonnie might not want Jordan to know her business.
They grudgingly leave, with Mike sending me the evil eye and Sajid not even sparing me a glance. As soon as they clear the room, Jordan drops into the seat next to me.
“Bro, what the fuck? You’re the most objective person I know, and I know you’re smart enough to recognize how much value this woman has brought in such a short time."
When I say nothing, he continues, “I see your training schedule. I see how you are with Owen. You hardly give Bonnie the time of the day, yet she shines through every challenge. You do realize that this woman is my wife’s friend? I can only think that this attitude of yours is personal,” he concludes.
You have no idea how much time of the day I give her.
“You said it yourself, Jordan. She’s great. She doesn’t need me to hold her hand the way Owen does.”
Jordan isn’t buying it. “Ethan, is this about the fucking garter?”
“What? Jesus, no.” This is way beyond the garter.
“Could this have anything to do with her education background?”
I latch onto the lifeline he’s unwittingly handed me.
“Well, one can't help but read into it. She’s good, but how reliable can she be? You’ll have to admit that it raises issues of trust and permanence.”
“I know. But she can’t change her past. Are we going to keep punishing her for it?” he asks.
Jordan knows how to make someone feel like shit. “Of course not.”
“I’m sorry, but I have to ask.” He looks almost terrified. “Ethan, is it possible that you like her? As in, is there a chance you’re masking attraction to her?”
“Yes,” I scoff, “the way you’d like a porcupine.”
I didn’t lie, I said yes. Although like is such a tepid word. Try obsessed. An insane desire to possess a woman who seduces me but might not like or want me but also won't resist my advances because she's scared. Fucked up sounds better actually.
He breathes a sigh of relief. “I told Bree she’s not your type." Jordan has known me for almost six years and I'm sure has never seen me with another type of woman except blondes.
"So, she rubs you the wrong way then.”
It’s a statement, not a question, so I don’t answer. “Okay, so you won't be best friends. Can you at least be reasonable and not sabotage the company because of your personal beef? She can do this, you know she can. And she needs it,” he insists.
Then, for his next point, he ensures that he has my full attention. “Bree doesn't know the whole story because Bonnie never talks about it, but she doesn't think Bonnie had a great time growing up and she doesn’t have much of a family.”
Aww, hell. Kill me now. The way he says it makes me look like a fucking asshole blocking the progress of both my employee and the company.
I throw my hands up and practically roar, “Fine, give it to her. But if she fails or flakes, she goes. Those are my terms.”
“I knew you could be reasonable.” He pats my shoulder and leaves before I can change my mind again.
Because Bonnie is unlikely to fail.
But she might turn down the offer if she doesn't want to work with me. Maybe the universe will be kind to me this one time.
Jordan will inform her before the end of the week I'm sure.
And I was just beginning to build what I hoped was a budding friendship with the woman.
Too bad because it will all go to shit now because I don't see myself being alone in a room with her without going mad with lust. Unless she genuinely is on the same page with me, I'm well and truly fucked.