26. Blesk
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
blesk
I gave him a day…
Well, and a night.
After the party last night, we fell asleep talking. Well, he talked. I listened. What would I have to say? My entire life is made up of memories with…
Something tightens in my chest.
So, Konnor told me about snowboarding at Falls Creek, about being a teenager loose in the District, about Bali, about some New Zealand guy he'd backpacked Europe with.
He told me about Cassidy and Flick, about wise Ben Slater, about what yesterday at the docks meant to him. He said making me fall in love with him is his mission. That I don't stand a chance in defending my heart. I laughed, but it didn’t feel light. It felt strangely heavy and… Just loaded.
I look down at his arm. It is still across my waist, also heavy. I keep waiting to notice something wrong, or feel that strange mix of paralysed and dread, but there is nothing. I haven’t been wary of the position of my body to his, because I haven’t felt as though I need to stay still.
I just feel the weight of his arm. Just warmth.
He was so close to making me fall head over heels, clumsily dancing into this whirlwind with him.
Despite the alcohol. Despite the jealousy.
I wanted to. God, I want to. But that whirlwind of emotion is fast, and I can’t see through the debris, and when I get a glimpse I see Erik.
Then I see Konnor judging me for what I let Erik do to me, for what I sometimes sort out just so I wasn’t alone in this world. I see disgust on Konnor’s face. Feel shame in places that already hurt.
I have an answer to the question that was knocking around inside me, the one I pretended had no truth. Yes, it is wrong. The thing between Erik and me is wrong, but I don’t know which parts to cut or when the wrong started and when it should end.
Or if it’s too late.
I still feel a pull towards it and him. Konnor said that Erik raped me, and I didn’t correct him, but that isn’t the entire truth, is it? Or I would feel… more? Or hurt more. Rape victims know they have been raped, right?
Ugh.
I’m such a mess.
We finished Liz and Deakon's story yesterday together. It was the best day of my life. I thought it yesterday, over and over. This is best day of my life. I meant it. I really did. But then he drifted off and slurred into the dark, "I love you, Liz."
And there it is.
Erik has never once looked at me and seen someone else. He has been so relentlessly, suffocatingly precise about who I am to him it feels like everything he said to me is true. That only he understands. That only he sees me.
I hate that my mind goes there, so I ram it down into the pit of my belly where all the bits of Erik live, the brother bit, the lover bit, the abuser bit, the wrong bits, and the right ones—all the pieces that are him wrapped into a neat ball down there and I can’t have one without the others.
Konnor is so sure of everything. His certainty should feel like safety, and yesterday, for a moment, it did, but then he says Liz, and I wake up. His certainty feels like a wall I will eventually hit at full speed.
I turn to gaze at his face.
I don't want to be loved for his idea of another person. Not one that I let go. Not one that kept a boy locked in a cage for four years and treated him like a dog. Erik knows this about me. Konnor doesn't yet.
His eyes move under his lids, maybe dreaming.
His mouth twitches. I stroke his cheek and he leans into it slightly, still asleep.
I run my fingers through his hair and study the exact shade, blonde and brown.
His cheeks are stubbly. I like them like that.
There is a frown on his face that keeps returning no matter how many times I smooth it away with my thumb. I know who he is dreaming about.
I know her name.
I slide out from the bed.
In the kitchen, I find a notepad, and I stand at the counter for a long time before I uncap the pen and begin to write.
Konnor,
I gave you One Day.
Our day.
The truth is I don’t believe you will ever understand…
I stop.
I cross it out so hard that the pen tears the page slightly, so I grab another piece. Ugh.
I start again.
Dearest Konnor,
Being with you is like living in a dream.
Every moment we are together, I feel like someone else.
You are everything I dreamed you'd be and then some.
And most nights I did dream about you. Your life is beautiful and warm, just like you.
There is nothing stopping you now from being everything you want to be.
How you have turned into this man... You are a miracle. You're my hero boy, Konnor!
I’m so proud.
If I could be what you want me to be, I would, but I am not.
I’m broken inside and I can barely manage to be a complete, social person.
You deserve someone who can flourish with you in your amazing life, with your amazing friends and family.
You don't have to have drama in your world anymore, Konnor.
You are free of it! You got out! I didn't, and I come with too much baggage.
I am not her. Please accept that. It took me years to break away from her so I could live the remnants of a normal life, but when I am with you, she is all around us. She is in every look you give me. In every smile. You see her. Not me.
Yesterday was the greatest day of my life, and nothing will ever change that. Please respect my wishes. I need some time to think without you beside me. I still want to be friends… friendly. I still want to know you’re okay.
I'm sorry.
XO,
-Blesk
This is what I wanted to say: Whether you understand this or not, whether it is right or wrong, falling in love with you while my brother is in a coma feels like a new hiding place.
From one to another. I can’t be with you, be anything close to what you want.
You remember Liz as a brave little girl.
I remember her as weak. Worse than that, I know the kind of girl she turned out to be…
Ugh.
His words from yesterday sail back: ‘This conversation is not over.’ He will want to talk about my relationship with Erik, all while Erik is in a coma… My fingers tremble around the pen.
You feel safe enough to ask…
To have boundaries.
I drop the pen. Anyway, it's a good simple inky truth. It's so good I almost believe it is the entire truth myself by the time I've slid the note under his alarm clock.
After leaving the note, I exit Konnor's apartment building, rushing past Adolf on my way out the sliding doors.
Needing to talk to someone, I call Elise.
"Blesk, my sweet, sweet, crazy, Blesk, what's up?" she answers full of beans, and I love her for that.
"I've just pumped the brakes with Konnor. Sort of. Sort of ended things." Silence. Crickets. But I can imagine her face.
She sighs. "Are you being stupid?”
I hail a taxi on the other side of the street and hurry over to meet it. Putting my phone momentarily in my pocket, I speak through the driver's window, "St Bernard's Hospital, please." He nods and gestures to the backseat.
"BLESK! DO. NOT. GET. IN. THAT. TAXI!" I hear Elise's strangely articulate yell coming from my handset.
Putting the phone back to my ear, I prepare myself for her impending disapproval, and realise in this moment, I can tell Elise a lot more than Konnor. I don’t dread her look of disgust like I do his. "I need to check on him."
I hear a displeased huff escape from her. "Not without me. I'm walking out now. I have a class at ten and so do you, so we will be back by then. Why would you break things off with Konnor? He adores you!"
I slump in the seat. "He moves so fast. I get swept up. And I didn’t even call the hospital yesterday.
I acted like a selfish teenage girl, rushing around with her boyfriend, while her brother is in hospital.
Konnor… He doesn't adore me; he adores this ideal in his head.
I am not her. I let… I'm damaged goods, and at least…” I want to say Erik knows exactly who I am but swallow the words.
"Woah. He did a number on your brain. Look, I know you feel like you don’t deserve him or something, but that’s just your trauma speaking.
You think you’re to blame for something?
Like something is your fault and you’re unworthy?
He doesn’t feel that way. That isn’t what the rest of the world sees when they look at your situation. ”
How do you know?
Which fault are we speaking about, I almost ask, because there are two I can think of. I genuinely don't know which one she means. It is my fault. In both cases. Blesk should have stopped it, before it went so far, before it became a part of Erik and I…
And Liz could have said something to her teacher or not been so desperate for family that she kept her father’s secret.
“I treated him like a dog,” I whisper.
“What?”
“Never mind. He's too good for me.” It’s all I have.
"I’m a complete mess. I swear, I'm protecting him.
He will realise one day when it's too late that I'm a confused girl. I can date a normal boy, but not Konnor. I can’t be what he expects. There is only one person who understands this and that is…” Doubt catches in my throat. I sigh hard.
"Oh my God, if you say Erik, I swear I will tit punch you."
I chuckle, once. "Well, I won't say that name then. That sounds painful."
"How did he take it?” I hear her wince. “Oh God, I'm not even sure I want to know.”
I clear my throat before I answer her. "I left him a note"—my voice breaks—"while he was asleep."
My insides twist.
"Oh. My. God. I’m not judging you, but oh my God. He'll be so crushed. A note? A note?”
Fuck.
My phone beeps with a second call. I peer down at the name flashing intrusively.
Konnor.
I lift my phone back to my cheek and breathe out loudly. "Konnor's on the other line."
"Pick it up. Talk to him!" she pleads.
Deep regret surges through me. "I can't."
It is no wonder people hate hospitals.
They intrude on every sense and are filled with people who avoid you when you need them most.
"Hi, I'm Blesk Bellamy," I say as sweetly as I can.