Chapter 21
RAFE
Iknew I was dreaming again, but like every other time it seemed vividly real. The gritty floor under my cheek. The rage firing through my veins at not being able to defend myself. Their hands banding around my wrists and ankles, keeping me immobile while their leader shoved his cock up my ass.
Nothing had ever hurt so much.
Nothing had ever made me feel so helpless, dirty, or ashamed.
As usual, I never saw their faces. I squeezed my eyes shut, and it took everything I had not to cry out, to contain the sting behind my lids so my shame didn’t liquefy.
All I could do was ball my hands and wait until he finished.
But that wasn’t the end. Not even close.
They took turns, and at one point, they forced me to my knees and assaulted my mouth too.
I bit the first one who shoved his filthy dick in and received a blow to the head for it.
The nightmare suddenly shifted and my hands fell free. Now I was the one on top, holding someone else down.
“Rafe, wake up.”
Dream…it was a dream, so why couldn’t I wake up?
“Rafe!”
Her voice finally penetrated, and I opened my eyes to find Alex’s shadowed face inches from mine.
She was sprawled beneath me on the couch where I’d gone to sleep alone, though now our bodies were pressed together, chest to chest, thigh to thigh.
I restrained her hands above her head with one hand and propped myself up with the other so I wouldn’t crush her.
“I’m awake,” I said, struggling to catch my breath. “Did I hurt you?”
“Um…no.”
Her uncertain tone made me grind my teeth. “Don’t lie to me. If I hurt you, tell me.”
“You didn’t hurt me.”
“Then what is it?” Sweat broke out on my temples and slid down my spine.
“You feel good, okay?” She inhaled then let the breath out in a whoosh. “You were having a bad dream, but when I tried waking you, you grabbed me and…I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“For wanting to jump your bones when you’re still trembling from a nightmare. It’s not okay. I’m not okay.”
I shifted my weight to the side, pressed her into the back of the couch, and wound an arm underneath her body. “You feel pretty fucking okay right now.” I grabbed her thigh and pulled her leg over mine, and my erection nestled between us. “Does that feel like I mind this?”
She groaned.
Or maybe I did. Suddenly, all the logic in the world didn’t matter.
I wanted her, she wanted me. The rest of the world could go to hell.
Tomorrow, I’d flagellate myself over poor choices and my stubborn memories.
I filled my hand with her ass, pulled her even closer, and thrust my cock against the hot center obscured by her panties.
Fucking hell. Two thin layers of material was all that separated us.
And her damn tank top. Her ridiculously tiny tank top.
“Rafe.”
She breathed my name against my neck, and I shuddered. A good kind of shuddering, the kind that made me want to melt into her until we became one. I buried my nose in her hair and inhaled, feeling as if I would never get enough.
“This is insane,” I said.
“What is?”
“Wanting you so fucking much.” It was like she wore a pheromone with my name on it. “We can’t do this, Alex. There are a million and one reasons why this is a bad idea.”
Her breaths puffed against my skin in rapid succession. “Name one.”
“The shit you’ve been through.”
“You’re doing a good job of distracting me.” She nuzzled my jaw, and her fingers fisted in my hair.
“Fuck,” I said with another tantalizing shudder. “This isn’t the way to deal with it.” But my hand shared Alex’s agenda. It wedged between our bodies and freed my cock from my boxers. “Tell me to stop.”
“Never.” Her teeth lightly scraped along my scruffy face until she reached just underneath my ear, where her moan vibrated through me.
“You’re killing me.” I tugged her panties to the side and dipped a finger inside her wetness. “I don’t have any condoms.” Or if I did have some, I didn’t remember where they were. She moved against my hand, moaning, and I added another finger.
“You fucked me before without them,” she said with a gasp.
I halted. “This is more than fucking.”
She arched her spine, a silent plea for me to keep going. “God, Rafe, it’s never just been fucking between us. Not for me.”
I clutched the back of her head, and we stared at each other, mouths parted, the air warming between us. I hooked my fingers inside her, eyes trained on her face to watch her reaction.
“Rafe!” Her nails dug into my damp shoulders, and she trembled all over. “I need you inside me.”
Her desperation slammed me back to Earth.
“No, sweetheart, you need to face what’s happened.
” Reluctantly, I withdrew my hand from her tempting pussy.
“Whatever this is between us, we have time to figure it out.” Letting her go, I rolled off the couch and took a spot on the floor, where I folded my arms around my knees.
She propped up on one elbow, curls falling into her eyes, and glared at me.
I understood her frustration, but fucking her wasn’t going to fix anything right now.
My cock throbbed, pissed with my decision.
I was sure Alex and my wayward dick had forged an alliance against me.
She flopped onto her back with a groan.
“You know I’m right,” I said. “I can’t remember shit, and your psycho brother is still out there somewhere.”
“I know,” she said with quiet acceptance. “But I still remember, Rafe. I’ll never forget what it was like with you. You made me feel things I didn’t think were possible.”
“Was that before or after I tortured you?” I still didn’t know the details, but I must have done something horrendous for her to threaten me with a broken bottle. The flash of her terrified face would forever haunt me.
“What do you remember?” she asked, rolling to the edge of the couch.
“I told you. I don’t remember anything.”
“I don’t believe you.”
I dragged a hand through my hair. “Okay. They’re just flashes, but I’m pretty sure I choked you. What else did I do?”
“It doesn’t matter what you did. I forgave you for it.”
“How can you let it go like that?”
She scowled at me. “Have you not figured it out yet?”
“Why don’t you fill me in?”
“I’m in love with you.” She bit her lip. “I’ve been in love with you for years. I thought you understood that from my letters.”
“You don’t love me, Alex. For God’s sake, you were only fifteen.”
“Don’t tell me how I feel!”
“It’s fucking common sense. You might want to fuck me, but love? You don’t even know me. Fuck, I don’t even know me anymore.”
“I know how I feel. I know we had a connection.”
I shook my head. “We had sex—sex I don’t even remember.” Tears pooled in her eyes, and I wanted to kick myself for being such an insensitive ass. “Alex, I’m sorry.”
“I hate that you don’t remember us.” She swiped at her eyes with jerky, angry movements. “But what we shared went beyond the physical. You were the only person who gave a shit about me.”
Unable to stop myself, I slid a palm along her cheek, and my thumb caught a tear. My attention lingered on that salty drop, as if it called to me in some way. My gaze swerved to hers, and I licked my lips, imagining the unmistakable taste of sorrow.
“I still give a shit about you.” I furrowed my brows, running that statement in my head a few more times.
I did care about her, more than I should.
More than I had a right to, which was why I’d do everything in my power to protect her, even from myself.
I pushed to my feet and thrust a hand out for her to grab. “Go back to bed.”
She let me pull her up from the couch. “Come with me.”
“Alex,” I warned.
“I don’t mean to do anything. I just want you to hold me, like you do on the couch.”
“I won’t be able to stop at that. Not this time.”
“Why hold back then?”
“Because I refuse to hurt you more than I already have.” The dark urges pricked at me, growing with intensity the more I thought of thrusting into her. I didn’t know if I could keep from flirting with disaster when it came to her gorgeous neck that tempted the strength in my hands.
“You won’t hurt me,” she said, tugging on my hand. “Come to bed.”
“No.” I disentangled from her grip.
With a growl of frustration, she stomped off in the direction of the loft, where hopefully she’d stay.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to say no again if she pressed her tight, seductive body against mine.
Letting out a shuddering sigh, I reclaimed my place on the sofa and checked under the pillow to make sure the gun was still there, but falling back to sleep didn’t come easily.
My cock throbbed with the need for release.
I’d already jacked off once tonight in the shower, before I’d called it an early night after Alex had stripped and shackled herself in my damn cellar.
I glanced at the clock on the wall. Just past midnight.
Fuck.
This was going to be a long night because jacking off wasn’t going to cut it.
I flopped to my side, facing the back of the sofa, and willed my dick to settle the fuck down.
Eventually, sleep pulled at me, welcoming me into the embrace of oblivious relief.
If not for the unexpected noise, I would have been out for good.
Footsteps.
Damn. Alex was going to be my downfall. I’d known it eight years ago but had ignored it. “Go back to bed,” I mumbled.
Something sharp pricked the back of my neck. I shot up, twisted around, and barely made out a large shadow as I slumped against the couch, hand reaching for the pillow.
Then everything went black.