Chapter 16
Late afternoon shadowed Ian’s living room. He was warm and breathing steadily in my arms. The clock on his end table pushed time forward, minute by minute. I was frozen, wrapped around him, holding him with everything I had.
He mumbled something in his sleep, but when I pushed back and studied him, he appeared peaceful in slumber. Healthy. Alive.
Being careful not to wake him, I slid from his lap, pushed my arms into the sleeves of my blouse and buttoned it, then went in search of a towel. I found one tucked away in a cupboard in the hallway. As I headed to the door I assumed opened into the bathroom, I pulled my cell out and dialed Simone.
She answered before the first ring completed. “Did you talk to him?”
“Yeah.” Swallowing hard, I blinked back tears. “He’s made up his mind.”
“You gotta keep trying.”
“I will,” I said as I entered the bathroom. “But I need you to do something for me.” I held the phone between my shoulder and ear as I turned on the faucet in the bathroom and dampened a blue cotton towel.
“What do you need?”
“Can you pick up Eve from school and keep her for the night?”
“Sure thing. I’ll get someone to cover the last couple hours of my shift.”
“Thank you.” I squeezed the excess water from the towel before exiting the bathroom. “You’re already on the list for picking her up.” Pausing halfway to the living room, I lowered my voice. “If Gage calls you, tell him you haven’t heard from me.”
“What’s going on?” The alarm in her tone unnerved me. She had reason to be concerned. I had reason to be terrified because there was no way of knowing how he’d react when I returned home.
“Nothing to worry about,” I told her. What a blatant lie. “We’re going to need some time to talk, and it’s best if Eve isn’t around for that.”
“Kayla,” she warned.
“It’s okay. I can handle it.”
“Call me immediately if you need me.”
“I will.” I halted at the entrance to the living room, where Ian lay sprawled on the couch where I’d left him. His sweatpants were a mess from his cum, and I realized I probably had it on my skirt as well.
I told Simone I’d talk to her later before hanging up and making my way into Ian’s bedroom to hunt for a clean pair of pants. When I returned to him, he was mumbling in his sleep again. I placed the clothing onto the cushion next to him and worked the soiled sweats down his thighs.
His lashes fluttered open. “Hey, beautiful.”
“Hey.” Bringing the towel to his lap, I cleaned him up as quickly as I could, trying to avoid embarrassing him.
“You don’t have to do that. I’m not an invalid.”
I glanced into his stormy eyes. “I know you’re not. I just want to help. Let me help.” I had to do something, even if it was something as simple as cleaning up the mess we’d made and helping him into a fucking pair of clean pants.
He let me do so grudgingly, and then he patted his lap.
I wanted so badly to go to him, but if I put myself in that position again, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop at touching him.
“It’s okay. I understand,” he said, reading the indecision spreading across my face. He leaned forward and rubbed his head.
“Is it a headache?”
“Yeah.” He rose to his feet, taking a few seconds to gain solid footing. As he moved toward the kitchen, his left arm hanging limply at his side, I realized he was having trouble using it.
My lips trembled. Grief stung my eyes and nose. But I refused to give in to my weakness. He needed me to be strong right now, and I needed him to keep fighting.
I followed him into the kitchen. “I need you to do something for me.”
“Anything.”
“Go back on the chemo.”
He frowned. “Anything but that.”
“Please, Ian. Don’t give up.”
“I fought for six months.” He grabbed a pill box and single-handedly flipped the lid on one of the sections. “I don’t have anything left.”
“You have me,” I said, my voice and soul splintering in two.
He dropped the pills into his mouth and washed them down with a swig of water. “We both know that’s not true.”
Unable to argue with him, I found myself speechless.
He set the glass of water on the counter with a loud thud before spanning the few feet between us.
“Ian,” I said, my heart pounding something fierce as he backed me against the refrigerator. The stainless steel chilled me to my bones.
He fingered a strand of my hair before lowering his right hand to my collared neck. “Does he make you happy?”
“Most of the time.” My guilt leaked through the fissure in my soul. I tried ignoring the lingering scent of Ian’s cum on my body, but I couldn’t, just as I couldn’t ignore what I’d done.
“Don’t tell him about this, Kayla. He doesn’t need to know.”
I nodded, even though I knew I would tell Gage. Not only tell him, but beg for forgiveness. Keeping this bottled inside would end me. And Gage would know anyway. He’d spot the treachery in my eyes as soon as he walked into the house.
“Thank you for loving me too,” he said.
I clung to his T-shirt, burying my face in the soft fabric, and cried. “You’re saying goodbye.”
“Yes.”
“Why are you giving up?”
“I refuse to spend the last few weeks I have left on chemo.”
“But it could save your life!” I fisted my hands and pounded against his chest, hoping to beat some sense into him. “Please, Ian. Please. It could work. Look at Eve! She—”
“It’s different!” He halted my furious fists with his working arm.
“My fucking brain is quitting on me. I can’t do this anymore.
The chemo wasn’t working. The tumor isn’t going away.
It’s only getting worse.” His chest stilled as if he were holding his breath.
“I’d rather go with dignity. On my terms. You need to accept that. ”
“Why do you have to be so damn stubborn?”
“It’s in my blood.”
That was true. Gage shared that same blood.
But could he find it in his heart to forgive Ian before it was too late?
I honestly didn’t know, especially after what we’d done on the couch less than two hours ago.
I never believed myself capable of betraying Gage, but I had.
I’d done the unthinkable. The unforgivable.
And I couldn’t find the strength to regret it, other than for the pain it would cause him. I gulped just thinking of how he’d react—how I was about to tear his heart out.
“You should go home.”
“Who’s going to take care of you?”
“I’ll be okay. Stop worrying about me.”
“That’s impossible.”
“This is why I didn’t want you to know.”
“Then why did you meet me in that coffee shop?”
“Not seeing you was impossible. I’ve thought of nothing else since I walked out of your hospital room a year ago.”
“But why now?” I already knew, heard the words before he spoke them.
“In some irrational part of my brain, I thought if I could win you back, maybe I’d have more reason to fight.” He frowned. “But I realized it wasn’t fair to you. It’s not your job to give me a fucking reason to live.”
“If you need a reason, I’ll give you one.”
He lifted a brow. “Are you willing to divorce him?”
I gaped at him, unable to find words because I didn’t like the answer. Even now, faced with his illness, I’d still choose Gage.
“I knew the answer before I asked, Kayla. And I’d never ask that of you anyway. I’m just making a point. You can’t give me a reason. I have to want to fight, and I did fight. I tried all kinds of treatments. But some things can’t be fixed.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It is what it is!” He stepped back, no longer touching me. “You need to accept it.”
“Please. I’m begging you.”
“And I’m begging you to go home. I can’t argue with you about this anymore.”
I leaned against the refrigerator, frozen in that position for what seemed like forever with my hands balled at my sides.
“Jesus, Kayla. You told me in my office that being near me was torture. Well this is worse. I need you to go. Please, just go.”
“Okay,” I choked out. As I left his house with tears dripping down my cheeks, splattering the ground with despair, the ache in my gut shoved the truth into my head. Into my heart.
This was goodbye.