Chapter 13
The week began with torrential rain. I found the downpour symbolic as if Mother Nature was urging us to wash away the darker aspects of our histories and focus on the future instead. And the future held a bright new beginning, in more ways than one.
For the first time since we’d married, Gage allowed me to find purpose in something other than motherhood or being a wife and slave.
He’d hired me on as his personal assistant again, this time on a part-time basis.
For the first two days, I worked at his side until noon, at which point he sent me home to perform my wifely duties.
Housekeeping, shopping, and meal preparation were still my responsibilities, though if I started working more hours at Channing Enterprises, he’d allow me to hire help at home.
But for now, my new job was on a conditional basis until I proved that I could keep up with my duties. Everything was going smoothly until Wednesday when life slapped me in the face with a huge wake-up call.
I’d just walked into the foyer when the lunch I’d had with Gage turned in my gut.
I barely made it to the bathroom before losing the contents of my stomach.
As I held onto the gleaming porcelain, heaving for all I was worth, I could no longer deny it.
Getting sick all the time wasn’t due to stress, and the stomach bug that had visited Eve was long gone.
This was something else. Something I couldn’t bring myself to hope for just yet…until I ran the calculations in my head and realized I was late.
I should have called Gage, but when I picked up my cell, Simone’s number was the one my fingers dialed. Late or not, I wasn’t about to get Gage’s hopes up for nothing. A piss stick would have to show me two lines first.
Then I’d tell him…if I had anything to tell at all.
Simone answered on the fifth ring. “What’s up?”
“Are you working today? I was hoping we could get together.”
A few seconds of quiet passed. “Ian told me he ran into you,” she finally said, hesitancy lacing her tone. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about us.”
Her words caught me off-guard. “That’s not why I’m calling.” The incident with Ian seemed like weeks ago instead of days, considering everything that was going through my mind now.
“Oh,” she said, sounding surprised. “You seem a little upset, so I thought…”
“I’m not upset about you and Ian.” Sure, I shared enough history with Ian that the idea of him moving on wasn’t the easiest thing to face, but the pain was but a phantom ping—an ache stamped on my heart like a fading tattoo. “I was actually hoping you’d want to help me shop for…Halloween costumes.”
Not pregnancy tests. No siree.
Besides, I did need to find a costume for Eve. I was fairly certain Gage would give me permission to leave the house if I told him I was shopping for Halloween costumes. “I need to find something for Eve.”
“Okay.” But doubt tinged her voice. “My shift ends in an hour.”
I told her where to meet me, then she hung up without a goodbye, which was a very Simone-like thing to do. Two hours later, we were sorting through the racks at a costume shop in comfortable silence.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Simone asked, breaking the quiet between us. Okay, so comfortable wasn’t the word I’d use, but I hadn’t realized my distress was that noticeable, and she obviously mistook it for unhappiness over her new relationship status.
“I’m fine,” I said, fingering the lace on an Elsa ensemble—which was so two years ago according to Eve. “Why?”
Simone gave a sarcastic quirk of her brow. “You’ve been touching that hideous costume for the last three minutes while staring into space.”
Expelling a sigh, I let Elsa’s cheap and scratchy blue skirt slip from my fingers.
It was now or never. “I need to buy a pregnancy test.” My emotions were all over the fucking place.
The threat of tears burned my eyes, but on the opposite end of the spectrum, my belly fluttered with the possibility of a positive sign.
A literal fucking positive sign.
Cool it, Kayla. It’s probably nothing.
“Hey, this is great news…isn’t it?” She frowned. “You’ve been trying to get knocked up with that devil’s spawn for…well, for what seems like forever.”
“Gage doesn’t know I’m buying a test.”
“Oooh,” she said, drawing out the word. “You’re worried he’s going to turn you over his knee for going mum’s-the-word?”
“Something like that.” A spanking over his knee was foreplay.
More than anything, I hated the thought of him finding out about the test if it ended up being negative.
I wasn’t sure I could handle the disappointment in his eyes.
He tried to hide it, but after living most of his adult life believing he was unable to have children, only to find out the diagnosis had been incorrect, I knew how much he wanted this.
A baby of his own.
Katherine had robbed him of Conner’s early childhood years, and Eve had been three-years-old when he’d forced his way into our lives. He wanted this badly…possibly more than I did.
“You know how I feel about that man,” Simone said, “but I think he’d want to go through this with you, no matter the results.”
“I know you’re right.”
“What’s the problem then?”
“I need to be sure before I tell him.”
She grabbed my arm and escorted me to a bench designated for shoppers to try on shoes. “And you’ll have an answer soon, but first you need to take a few deep breaths and calm down.” She settled beside me, and I buried my face in my hands, drawing shallow, hot breaths from between my palms.
“We’ll go to the pharmacy together, okay?”
“What if I’m not?”
“But what if you are?” she said. “Only one way to find out.”
And that’s when I realized that both outcomes equally terrified me—a reaction I hadn’t expected. I figured I’d be overjoyed at the possibility of being pregnant, but now that I had a real chance I considered things I hadn’t thought of until now.
Like the fact that I was prone to miscarriages and tubal pregnancies.
Or how my slave duties would make carrying a baby difficult. How would I handle Gage’s rituals and punishments on top of pregnancy? And then, after the baby arrived…would I be too exhausted to want sex, let alone kneel on command, ready to please?
Simone pulled me to my feet. “Okay, no more freaking out about this. Let’s buy a test and get an answer.” She ushered me through the mall and to the parking lot with a purposeful stride.
Simone was a life savor that afternoon. She ran into the pharmacy and came out fifteen minutes later with half a dozen tests, each one advertised at being the best, most accurate on the market. Somehow, she knew I wasn’t ready to go home yet, so she drove straight to her house.
Now I found myself pacing in front of her bathroom door, the bag of tests in my hands, terrified to hope.
My heartbeat was a wild beast behind my breastbone.
I should have called Gage. Deep down, I knew I was going about this the wrong way, but the idea of taking a test while he eagerly waited was too upsetting.
Once again, vomit pushed its way into my throat, and I bolted into the bathroom and threw up for the second time that day.
The situation felt too reminiscent of another day.
The vomiting. The test. The reminder of Gage’s reaction afterward.
I curled into a ball next to the porcelain God and sobbed. Taking the test wasn’t even important—it would only confirm what I already knew in my heart. The impossible had happened. My remaining ovary had produced an egg, and Gage…
His reaction would be so different from last time, but in that moment, all I could hear were the echoes of his rage. The accusations and hatred. Forgiving was easy. Forgetting was harder.
“What can I do?” Simone set a hand on my shoulder, her touch light and gentle as if I might jump out of my skin. I pulled myself upright.
“I’m pregnant. I know I am.”
“You won’t know for sure until you take a test.”
“I’m scared to.”
“I thought you wanted to have a baby?”
“I do!”
“Then why are you falling apart before you’ve even pissed on a stick?”
“I don’t know! I guess it’s…Gage didn’t handle it so well last time.”
“But he’s onboard now, right?” She gentled her tone, infusing her words with the power to coax.
“Yeah.”
Simone grabbed my hand and dragged me to my feet. “No point in having a breakdown until you at least confirm it.” She picked up the bag I’d dropped and pushed it into my shaking hands. “I’ll be right outside the door.”
I gave a solemn nod as if headed to a firing squad instead of taking a test that was bound to give me news I’d been hoping to receive for months. The next three minutes were the longest of my life—at least that’s what it felt like when I finally picked up the stick and read the results.
Two lines.