Chapter 51 #2
"I tried,” I protest. “Then, I had to wait until the right time. I had to wait so it wouldn’t hurt you further.
When you woke up at the hospital, the doctors realized you didn’t remember what had happened before the accident.
But you hadn’t suffered a hit to the head.
When they spoke to me, they concluded it was because of the emotional trauma you’d suffered.
That, combined with the physical shock of the accident, had resulted in you temporarily blocking out the news of your brother’s death.
They told me your memories would come back to you, but I had to let it happen on its own. "
"So why didn’t you meet me in the hospital? Why weren’t you there for me?"
"I… I felt responsible for what had happened. For not being able to save your brother. For being the one to tell you the news. I figured, if you saw me, I’d serve as a reminder of what had happened.
The memory was so new, even if you had repressed it.
You were so fragile then. I discussed it with the doctors, and they agreed that if you saw me, everything related to your brother would rush to the fore.
It was too soon. They advised me to give you a little time to recover.
And to be honest, it was a relief… Because I knew that every time I looked at you, I’d feed the guilt I felt over what had happened—and I wouldn’t even be able to tell you. "
"You didn’t have those concerns when you walked into the bakery and asked me to marry you?"
"A year had passed since the death of your brother. I figured you were in a stronger place. Also, I checked in with your doctor."
"The one I’ve had regular check-ups with since the accident?"
I rub the back of my neck. "It wasn’t easy getting him to… agree to talk to me, but I was persistent."
She stares. "You threatened him?"
"Nothing as crude as that. I paid enough money to build a new wing for the hospital, and I named it after him."
"Of course you did," she scoffs.
"All that money I had access to was of some use. I didn’t take what I did lightly.
I knew I was making him infringe on doctor patient confidentiality.
And I might have played the card of my being a veteran, as well, but needs must. When I explained the situation…
That, combined with the generous donation, helped him come around. "
"I… I don’t know what to say." She looks at me with anger and frustration. "I am so angry with you right now."
"And you have every right to be. But I was desperate. When I saw you that day, I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave you again. I knew I needed a reason to keep you close. I knew I couldn’t live without you. I needed a legitimate reason for being in your life, Starling."
She rubs at her forehead. “If you came in that day, knowing you were going to invest in my business, then why did you say you were leaving before you’d even tasted any of my cakes.”
I half smile. “That was a tactic to get you worked up. If you thought you were going to lose the investment, you’d want it even more.”
“I forget how good you are at negotiating,” her voice is bitter.
“No, baby, please don’t get upset. I... I was in the same boat. Being so close to you had brought back all of the memories. All of the reasons why I needed to find a way to have you in my life.”
"I don’t know what to say." She shakes her head. "I knew there were gaps in my memory, but I never would’ve guessed there was something so significant."
“All that time, I kept my distance, but I never stopped looking out for you. I made sure you were safe. And then, when you found out Hugo had been injured in that same accident... That he hadn’t gotten away unhurt… That he was in bad shape—"
"I blamed myself for the accident. If I hadn’t asked him to come in that day and open the store with me. If I hadn‘t run out in front of his bike, he wouldn’t have lost control." She looks away. "I knew I couldn’t leave him at the mercy of the state. I knew I had to take care of him."
"In a way, I knew you were replacing the gap in your memory and everything that had happened to Ben by creating a different story and taking care of Hugo."
"He’s my friend. I had a responsibility."
"And you didn’t shy away. It’s why I knew—"
"—that you had to help me. And since you were watching me, you knew I was in financial trouble with the bakery." Her lips thin.
I hold out my palm. She looks at it for a second, then slowly places her hand in mine again. Thank fuck! I thread my fingers through hers. "I did. I admit that. But I didn’t interfere in that, and I haven’t asked you to change the location of the bakery, either."
"What’s wrong with this location?" She frowns.
"You know it’s not the safest part of town."
"It’s an up-and-coming, gentrifying area, and the most sought after by hipsters," she points out.
"It’s also rough around the edges. It’s why I—" I break off. Didn’t mean for that to come out.
But my wife spots my hesitation, and her lips set in a firm line. "You’re hiding something again."
"It’s not important."
"Oh?" She tries to pull her hand away, but I hold on. "It really isn’t."
"Tell me."
I look away, then back at her. "I watched you from a distance to make sure you were okay."
"You watched me?"
"Most nights, I parked outside. It’s not like I was getting much sleep. I figured I might as well ensure you were safe."
"And I’m supposed to be grateful that you stalked me?"
"I didn’t stalk. I never interfered in your life. I simply made sure I did what Ben asked of me. I made sure you were watched over. I couldn’t let anything happen to you."
"We’re in London; what could happen to me?" she scoffs.
"I know it seems crazy to you. But I’d just come back from war.
I’d lost my best friend, my teammates. I couldn’t just go back to being a civilian and discard the alertness that had kept me alive.
I’m a soldier. That never goes away. I simply directed all of that vigilance into making sure you were okay. "
For a few seconds, there’s silence. She stares at me, and I hold her gaze.
Yes, I’ve done many things wrong. Maybe I’ve gone about this entire situation the wrong way.
Maybe I should have come right out and told her everything when I walked into her bakery.
But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t take the risk that she’d hate me for not being there for her brother.
I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t let her walk away from me.
And now? I know I could still lose her. I know she might never forgive me, but I know I have to come clean.
Now, she remembers everything. Now, she’s in a stronger place than she was before.
Now I know Arthur’s acknowledged her as part of the Davenport family, and that she’ll get the monthly allowance all Davenports are eligible for.
Now I know she’ll be looked after, no matter what happens between us, or to the Davenport Group of companies.
Now, she knows that… "I love you"—I kiss her hand, then look up into her face—"and I always will, even if you never do. "
A tear rolls down her cheek, and plops onto mine. "Oh, Nate, why does everything have to be so complicated?"