Chapter 37 #3
I try to wake up but am unable to break free of the images. Pain, so much pain, filling every molecule in my body and engulfing me. I deserve this. I am responsible for this destruction. I should be punished. I don’t defend myself. Don’t throw up my arms to ward off his blows.
His features morph again, so he looks like my wife. Raven’s bleeding from a wound to her chest, and half her face is blown up. "You did this to me!” She turns her accusing eyes on me.
No! My heart somersaults into my throat. Not my Raven. Not after I realized I love her. I can’t lose her.
You’re still dreaming.
But the anguish that squeezes my ribcage feels all too real. I deserve this. I deserve to pay for what I did to Ryot. I deserve to lose the love I’ve waited a lifetime for.
I stumble back. "I had to,” I plead with her. “I had to do it. I couldn’t not."
"This is your fault.” She stabs her finger into my chest.
A sharp pain cuts through my ribcage. The woman I’d give my life for is blaming me for what happened.
And I... I know she’s right.
"I know. It's all my fault. And I'm so sorry."
Her eyes flash. "It’s not enough."
Her features morph back to Ryot's. "You will lose what is most dear to you." His voice is cold.
There’s a finality to it that chills me to the bone.
This is my punishment. I’m cursed to lose the one thing, the person I love the most. I’m cursed to lose her.
"No." I shake my head. "No."
"Yes." He cracks his neck. "Only then, will you know my pain.”
Sweat beads my forehead and slides down my back. My body is heavy. I'm sinking. It's impossible to breathe.
I shake my head. "Nothing can happen to her."
"Quentin?" Her voice calls from somewhere far away.
No, not my Raven. I cannot lose her.
"Now you’ll know how it feels to not want to live anymore.
” Ryot bares his teeth. “To have the one thing you love the most ripped away from you. To have your future turn into a black hole of despair, to lose every hope and wake up every morning cursing the fact you’re alive and she isn’t.
You deserve this. You dug your hole; now bury yourself in it. "
He begins to laugh. The sound echoes inside my head, ripples down my spine, and shreds through my veins, my cells, until every part of my body has turned into an instrument of torture.
I know then, I can’t let her into my life. I can’t risk losing her. I can’t risk something happening to her.
I have to let her go before someone destroys her to destroy me.
Run, Raven. Run from me. Run before I wreck you like I’ve wrecked everything I have ever valued. My relationship with my family. My son. And now you. Run, you deserve better.
"Run—" I snap my eyes open and see her face hovering over mine.
The curve of her eyebrows, those thick eyelashes, the pain-filled eyes swimming with tears, those bee stung lips forming my name: "Q?" She cups my cheek. "You were having a nightmare.”
I grip her shoulders. “A nightmare?” I croak around the constriction in my throat.
A nightmare from which there is no waking.
I know what I did. I did wrong by Ryot. I did wrong by my son.
And now, I’m going to do wrong by her. I was selfish.
I saw her and decided to use her to secure my future.
I married her to ensure I got my inheritance.
I was drawn to her, then fell in love with her.
I allowed myself to become vulnerable to her...
Knowing she’ll leave me one day. Knowing I’ll hurt her like I’ve hurt everyone else in my life, and then she’ll be gone.
I’m going to lose her. It’s inevitable. Sweat pours down my back, clings to my shoulders.
My heart seems to have expanded to occupy my entire body.
I’m one big mass of throbbing, aching, hurt.
And she can save me. This one time, I can use her body to get rid of this desperate feeling that grips me.
This one time, I can bury myself in her and find solace.
And then... I’ll let her go. Then, I’ll walk away from her before I further damage her life. She'll be better off without me.
I’ll become a distant memory, and she can move on. She can find someone better than me. Someone who’ll love her the way she deserves. I swallow the bitterness crowding my throat. Someone who’ll kiss her and fuck her and—
“Q, you’re hurting me.” She swallows.
I loosen my grip on her.
“I’m sorry”—I memorize her features— “so sorry.”
Am I apologizing for holding her too tightly, or for letting her go?
For the inevitable distance I'm going to put between us... But not yet. I have her in my bed, in my arms, and I can love her... Just for now, I can give her pleasure. I can’t undo the fact I married her, but I can bring her to orgasm.
I can fuck her the way she deserves. I can make it so good for her, better than anything she’s experienced in the past or will from any other man in her future.
The thought of anyone else holding her lights a fire in my veins. I flip her onto her back.
"Q," she gasps, "what are you—" She cries out, for I’ve pushed her legs apart, positioning myself against her opening.