Chapter 46 #3
But maybe… That’s because I secretly craved to be controlled.
Which is why I'm so attracted to Knox. And his natural dominance invites me to put myself at his mercy.
The relief that he'll recognize my needs and do what's right for me… Is something I appreciate even more now. It allows me to find a space where I can relax into myself. The limits he imposes on me, his commands, his orders—all of it gives me permission to let him take care of me. And that…is so incredibly freeing. I bring my attention back to what Claire’s saying.
She leans back in her seat. "I always challenged authority and was often punished by my parents and teachers for it.
" She laughs without humor. "And once I hit puberty, I couldn’t stay away from boys.
I would sneak off on dates, which was forbidden by my parents, so I had to do it even more.
And when I found myself pregnant. I knew my parents would disown me, so I never told them. "
I frown. "What did you do?”
"I ran away from home. Being a minor, I was picked up by social services, and after I gave birth, relinquished all rights to you. It wasn’t a decision I made easily, but I thought it was the best chance to give you a better start in life.
I was sure you’d be adopted right away." She shakes her head. "I never imagined you’d be in foster care for so many years." She peers into my face. "You have to believe that what I did was done out of love. But I hoped you’d find me. I prayed you’d find your way to me.”
“You did?” I rub at my temple. ”You wanted me to find you?”
“I wanted to give the Council my address when I gave you up. I knew you’d get access to your records when you turned eighteen, and I hoped you’d find me then.
Unfortunately, my mother found out what I’d done, and she removed any information that could be traced back to me. And I didn't find out for many years.”
That’s why the Council’s file on me is so lean.
“But I thought of you every day.” She takes another sip of tea and sets down her cup. “It’s why, when the adoption search specialist reached out to me, I told her I’d be happy to meet you immediately.”
"You were?” I swallow.
“I’ve been expecting you.” She half smiles. “The adoption search specialist didn’t give me more details about you, but I’ve been hoping you’d turn up on my doorstep. And when I saw your face, it was like I was looking at a younger version of myself.”
Tears well up again, and I swallow them back. “And my father, what about him?”
Her features grow sad. “I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I didn’t know him. I’d sneaked into a nightclub, met him there and had sex with him in the back alley.
” She rubs at her temple. “I never met him again. I didn’t know his name or who he was so I couldn’t tell him I was pregnant.
I’m so sorry, June. I wish I had better news for you. ”
My chest tightens. I glance away. It’s a lot to take in.
I spent so much time thinking about my birth mother that my birth father was this shadowy figure who I hardly gave as much importance.
And chances are, I’ll never find him, even with the services of the best adoption search specialist in the country.
She reaches over and takes my hand in hers again. “You have no idea how many times I regretted my choices. How many times I questioned my actions. But looking at you today, at the woman you’ve become, at how beautiful you are and how intelligent and so full of promise, I don’t regret anything.”
I peer into her face, and the calmness and the love in her eyes are a soothing balm.
That place inside of me yearning for my mother so much and for so long relaxes.
I turn my palm over and grip hers. “It’s so incredible, finally meeting someone whose features resemble mine.
It’s like I’ve finally found an anchor. A thread that connects me to this earth.
Like I’ve found an explanation for my being here, you know? ”
She nods, and a tear rolls down her cheek. “I’m so sorry for all the years we lost. So sorry for everything you went through. I wanted to go in search of you, but also, I wanted to believe you were happy. And I didn’t want to intrude on your life. It had to be your choice to find me.”
I suppose, I understand. But also, I don’t.
Maybe, a part of me will never be able to understand why this happened to me.
But it is what it is. What I do know is that I’m lucky now to have two mothers: Irene and Claire.
Now that I’ve met her and have the opportunity to get to know her, I’m not going to squander that.
I choose to heal. I choose the positive side of life.
I choose to be happy. That much is in my hands.
I allow my tears to flow and smile through them.
“You were too young when I was born, and you didn’t have a choice in relinquishing me. Neither did I.” I turn my palm face up and clasp her fingers with mine. "I understand, you did what you thought was best. I forgive you.”