Eighty-Seven Cameron
Sleep would not come, my body refusing to allow me the solace of unconsciousness. The castle had quieted down, and my internal clock told me it had to be well past midnight. The fresh air that circulated into my cell smelled sweet, bringing thousands of new scents I would normally be eager to explore. But right now, they just added to the throbbing in my head. I could only focus on the burn in my throat and the rumble in my stomach.
I tossed, sweat beading on my skin as an aching need ripped at my gut. Dianna was right. I wasn’t out of Thrash, not at all. Those damn underground fights and the blood had been my way of sublimating it. I turned onto my side, trying to get comfortable, and gasped. A pair of red eyes glowed at me from the darkness outside my cell. My body jerked in instinctive fear, my back screaming with the movement.
Dianna emerged from the shadows, holding a tall glass. The aroma hit me, and I jumped to my feet, my fangs descending. The pain in my back and arms was non-existent compared to the hunger. My stomach growled loud enough for her to hear, and claws replaced my nails. She stepped back, not out of fear but gauging me and my reaction. She swirled the liquid in the cup, the smell driving me mad. Without thinking, I reached out and gripped the cerulean bars. I hissed in pain and yanked them back.
“I was right,” she said, stepping forward. “You have been starving. Kaden didn’t teach you how to feed, did he?”
“I know how to feed,” I said.
“Have you killed?” she asked, her voice low.
I fisted my healing hands and leaned against the wall, dropping my lips over my fangs.
“Yes,” I said, keeping my gaze down.
I heard her step closer and the sound of the glass scooting across the stone floor. I looked up to see her kneeling before the bars, pushing it past the barrier. My hand trembled as I grabbed it and pressed it to my lips, gulping at the dark liquid. It hit my tongue first, my jaw clenching from the tang of it before it spilled down my throat.
Dianna just sat and watched me as I fed. My eyes roamed her lean, lithe form, and my stomach growled again. She stared at me, crossing her legs and leaning back on her hands. I fought the desire but couldn’t seem to help the way my body reacted. I had never felt a single hint of lust toward Dianna, not once, but I was starving and for more than just food.
“You want to eat me?” she asked, her smile bordering on a smirk.
I finished the blood and lowered the glass. “No,” I practically snapped. “Yes . . . No . . . Not like that.”
Her smile faded, and worry filled her eyes. “It’s okay. It’s Thrash, and it’s natural. You’ve been starved, Cameron. He didn’t take care of you at all. He turned you into a weapon and left you to pick up the pieces. Your entire being is just reacting to every primal need it has. Don’t make it into something it’s not.”
I nodded, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand and sliding down the wall, sitting on the floor. “Maybe send Samkiel in here to feed me.”
“It won’t help. You’d still want to feed and fuck him, too.”
A snort left my lips. “Who doesn’t?”
Dianna’s eyes lit up before she tipped her head back and laughed, a full, hearty sound that invited me to join her.
She sighed and sat up, resting her hands against her thighs. “I’ll help you as much as I can. Teach you how to feed without killing once we get the last wave of Thrash out of the way. You’ll be right as rain or whatever they used to say on Onuna.”
I forced a smile and brought my knees up, resting my forearms on them.
“Have you had sex since he turned you?” she asked.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s what drove Xavier away in the first place.” I felt my chest tighten, and moisture pricked my eyes. “It’s what got him caught in the first place. Me and Elianna.”
Dianna nodded. “I wondered how Kaden got him.”
I swiped the back of my hand across my cheeks. It was the first time I’d talked about it in months. “We had a fight after the party you and Samkiel had. I’d waited too long to tell him how I felt, and Elianna sealed the deal for him. He was going to marry his boyfriend. He told me and left. Then I got a call from him, only it was Kaden. He lured me out, and the rest is . . .” My voice trailed off.
It was quiet for a long moment, and I worried she would blame me now. I glanced up at her and caught the haunted look in her eyes.
She saw me watching her and shook her head, shuttering her expression. “I’m sorry.”
“You?” I scoffed and sat up straighter. “I’m sorry for—”
She raised her hand, cutting off my words, and every part of me surrendered. I didn’t know if it was because her Ig’Morruthen demanded respect or that she was the embodiment of a queen and stood at Samkiel’s side, but I listened. “Don’t apologize, Cameron. I’ve done far worse than you ever have for my sister. I get it. If anyone does, I do.”
“Sometimes I think it may be better if I gave in like you did when you lost Gabby,” I admitted. The thought had crossed my mind several times in that damn palace of horrors. “Burn the world. Maybe it would all hurt less.”
“It wouldn’t,” she said.
My gaze flicked to hers. “You made it seem like it did.”
Dianna ran a hand over her face and sighed deeply before meeting my eyes again. I was worried that my words felt like a slap to her. I hadn’t meant for it to seem like I was throwing her past in her face.
“That’s different. I was . . . very sad and very lonely, and it was the only thing that helped me feel something, or so I thought. The feeding? Yes, it makes you stronger, but you don’t have to be a killer like me. And the sex? It was meaningless. You’re right about that. All I did was hurt Samkiel, which you know was my intention. I wanted to drive him away, proving to myself that it was never real, that it never meant anything. I wanted him to hate me like I hated myself, maybe even punish me. All I was doing, though, was lying to myself and trying to bury my feelings. I loved him before Gabby died, and I blamed him and myself for her death. I truly believed my love for him was what killed her. Of course, it wasn’t. It was the psychopath that turned you, ruled by another psychopath who wants to rule the realms. So no, it doesn’t help.”
I studied her, feeling a deep kinship snap into place between us. Dianna understood. “I hate myself.”
“Why?”
Words bubbled in my throat, wanting to spill out. They burned and begged for freedom and freedom I would give them. Dianna had to admit so much to heal, and it was time I started.
“Because I got his sister killed.”
As soon as those words left my lips, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. It was as if keeping it to myself for so long had trapped me in a pit of self-hatred. It had been stupid and foolish, putting us all at risk.
Her brows drew together. “What?”
“It was way before The Hand formed, way before I was friends with anyone.” I swallowed the growing lump in my throat. “That’s my dirty secret, and Kaden used it against me. I got Xavi’s sister killed because I stayed out too late. Instead of going on the mission with Athos, I wanted to sleep off my hangover. They sent Kryella and her team instead, and . . . Maybe I was always meant to be Ig’Morruthen. It’s the only thing that feels right now, and I guess that’s how you feel at times, too.”
Dianna held my gaze and said, “I won’t lie. I do feel more myself when I turn. Knowing I have the power to protect the ones I loved was a dream come true, and I reveled in it. But, Cameron, you didn’t kill his sister. You were young and drunk and wanted to sleep in. So what? You had no idea what would happen, nor could you predict it. Stop blaming yourself, and if you love him, fight for him. Regardless of what happened between you two, I know he would fight for you.”
Her words touched on the broken, damaged pieces of me. The ones I covered with humor, laughter, and words to make others happy while I felt like I was dying inside. She was right on some level. I knew that, but I could never forgive myself. Xavier lost the most important person to him, and it was my fault. Maybe he was better off without me. That was why I never told him how I truly felt. How could I? Our whole friendship was built on my guilt. I loved a man who I had damned. I was the definition of fucked up.
I shook my head, wrapping my hands across my knees. “I feel so guilty.”
“It wasn’t intentional,” she said.
“My friendship with him was,” I said, wrapping my arms around my legs. Even the pull of the still-healing burns didn’t match the pain in my chest. “He was so sad, Dianna. I just wanted to make it better, and I did, but . . . I can never tell him. He’ll hate me.”
She raised a single brow at me. “Let’s save him first, then you decide what he needs to know. But trust me when I say that lying will only hurt you both more.”
The corners of my lips lifted in a sad smile. It was so strange to see how much she had changed. She had been a being of pure rage and wrath, and now here she was, comforting me and giving me relationship advice. Samkiel had really helped her, but he had always seen her. He had been right all along. We never knew the real her before she lost her sister. Dianna was always a protector. Now, she had the firepower to back it up.
“Does the speech-giving come from you two finally being together?” I asked.
“Maybe.” Dianna smiled, one that made her eyes light up and not with the red of her beast, although I suspected her Ig’Morruthen felt the same. But what I saw in her gaze was pure, unadulterated love. “Samkiel’s good. He always has been, just like Gabby. They see the good in everyone and everything, and if I say I love them, I have to try to be worthy of them. So, I try every day to live up to the person they see when they look at me. At least a mild attempt. Though the truth is, I am lucky to have known what it means to be loved by them, and I will do anything to protect him.”
A smile tugged at my lips. “You’ve said you love him twice now. Have you guys . . .?”
The atmosphere in the room changed, and the smile that suffused her face was one I had never seen from her before. It was a pure, radiant joy.
“Oh, even better.” She lifted her hand and wiggled a single finger. A ring shone there, shining even in the darkened cell. I recognized the stone and knew it was only formed from molten rock. I wondered if he had told her.
“No fucking way.” I gasped and jumped to my feet. Ignoring the pain screaming through my every nerve, I stepped closer. “Does that mean what I think it does?”
She nodded and looked at the ring like it meant more than the world to her. “Yes, I lost our amata mark when I brought him back to life.”
“What?” I exclaimed.
Dianna waved her hand. “It’s a long story. I’ll tell you later, but he decided this was the next best thing.”
I shook my head, trying to process everything she just told me. “I knew you guys were fucking mates. No one else could handle him, honestly. The man has an ego.”
She threw her head back and laughed, and I joined her. Warmth spread across my chest, knowing he had finally found the one thing he had been searching for all his life. A wave of sadness followed because I remembered placing a bet on it with Xavier before everything went to shit. I wished he was here because I just fucking missed him.
She smiled. “You’re not wrong about that.”
“Where?” I asked, fumbling over the words. I wanted every single detail. We all had wanted Samkiel to be happy, truly happy, and now he finally was. They both were. “Where?”
“We actually had the ceremony here.” She glanced around. “I’ll show you the rest of the castle when you’re free.”
“Wait until the others hear. They are going to . . .” I stopped when her smile dropped.
Silence fell, the unspoken truth hanging between us all. I glanced behind her at Logan, who stood in his cell, and then Neverra across from him. Both had their backs straight, their eyes glowing a bright cerulean blue. Neither of them moved, standing like perfect statues.
“Do you think they will come back?”
“Samkiel does.” Dianna didn’t hesitate, holding my stare. “And I will try my damnedest to make sure they do.”
“Thank you.” And I meant it so damn much. “For everything.”
Dianna nodded, sighing as she stood. She wiped her hands along her sleek black pants. “Yeah, well, that’s what family is for, and you said I was a part of yours a long time ago. I won’t let you take it back.” She smiled once more at me before heading up the stairs.
“She has an armada, Dianna,” I called out. “That much I do remember. A fleet large enough to take over every realm, and you’re her first priority.”
Dianna stopped, and darkness built in the room. “She will find, like so many others, that taking me, army or not, is no easy task.” She looked at me over her shoulder, her eyes burning and blazing red. “I fear no gods and no kings.”
My smile was brief. “I think she knows that, too.”