Chapter 2
Nick
“H ey, Nick? Could you pick up the books the library wanted to send over on your way in on Tuesday morning?” I looked up as my boss walked into the kitchen of the LGBTQ youth center where I was the head cook. He was smiling apologetically. “I didn’t have time to get them on Friday, but I meant to. I have to be here before they open on Tuesday.” I wasn’t sure why he was being so apologetic, since it was literally on my way to work, but he never liked to ask anyone to do anything beyond their actual job. He cared about the center, but he cared about his employees, too. He was honestly the best boss I’d ever had.
We were both off work the next day, since we were working on a rare Sunday, and I knew there was no way he’d ask me to do something on my day off, even though I would have. “Sure, no problem,” I said, “I’ll swing by on my way in.” I’d do anything for the youth center, and he surely knew that. I couldn’t believe he still hesitated to ask me for a favor, since he knew me so well and was a friend outside of work. I loved working there. It felt like we’d helped so many kids and young adults even since I’d arrived. Thankfully, my own family had always accepted me the way I was, but I knew a lot of people weren’t so lucky, and working where I did made that even more clear to me.
There were currently six people living in the shelter full-time, ranging in age from seventeen to twenty-five. Four were guys and two were girls, all of them with family who’d either booted them out or refused to help them when they were down, and they had nowhere else to turn. There were staff and security on hand 24/7 to keep them safe and to be there if they needed anything. There was no age limit on who we would help, but luckily the shelter hadn’t been full as long as I’d been there.
I smiled at the group in the game room as I left for the day. “Bye, Mr. Nick,” a few of them said, and the others waved. My heart warmed as I waved at them, and one of them mouthed silently for me to remember the cookies I’d promised.
I laughed and nodded at him, then said, “See you all Tuesday.” I grabbed my helmet from the table by the back door. The center itself was always busy, even if the shelter wasn’t full. There were plenty of teens coming in after school for a place where they were accepted as they were. A place where they could meet and make friends with people who were just like them. Some were at least somewhat accepted at home but got bullied at school. Others came to us because we were the only ones they felt would truly accept them, and still others because they had friends there and could fully relax in a safe space. I was so glad I was finally doing something meaningful with my life.
My boss stopped me again before I made it all the way outside. I knew he would, because I knew it was obvious. I’d been in my head all day. Some days were worse than others, and that one had been especially bad thanks to the dream I’d had the previous night, yet another replay of the worst day of my life. “Hey, are you doing alright, Nick?”
I sighed internally. I loved that he cared about the people around him. I hated that I was so transparent and couldn’t hide my feelings. I could distract myself with work and the kids, but it was always there, and when there was a lull in what I needed to think about, it smacked me right on the head. “Yeah, Caden. I’m fine.” I attempted a sincere smile as I pulled my backpack on and held my helmet, preparing to make the trek back to my cold, empty apartment.
“Seriously, man. You know I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to, right?”
I smiled again. “I know. Thank you. I’m fine, though. I’ll be…fine. I’ll see you Tuesday. With those books.” I gave him a nod and headed out the door, pulling my helmet on as I walked to my bike. He watched me from the doorway, and when I glanced back I saw the concern on his face, but he just waved and headed back inside.
I took off, letting the evening air and the ride clear my head a little. I knew it would all settle back into my mind once I got home, but at least I had one thing I could enjoy. I wasn’t sure when everyone was going to stop tiptoeing around me and asking how I was doing. It had been a long time since reality had reared her ugly head. I wanted to move on, and I wanted everyone to stop bringing up the most humiliating and gut-wrenching time of my life. I wished they would forget, even if I couldn’t.
I sighed as I rode, looking out at the water as I flew over the bridge. I knew it wasn’t their fault I wasn’t moving on, and they were worried on the days they could tell I was struggling. I was grateful for the friends I’d made on my own. They were amazing, some of the most amazing people I’d ever met. The “friends” I’d made with Gabriel, well, let’s just say they were not so amazing.
I pulled through the security gate and into the garage beneath my apartment building. It was a sought-after location, and there I was, living in one of the nicest apartment buildings in the city. And there I was, not giving a shit about it.
I unlocked the door and turned on the light in the place I used to share with the person I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. That dream had been shattered alongside so many others. I was pretty sure the rest of my life would be spent alone, because I didn’t think I’d ever let anyone hold my heart in their hands again. I was pretty sure I’d never trust anyone enough to let them that close.
I sighed, pulling some leftover pizza out of the fridge and popping it into the microwave. I set the timer and walked back through the hallway, taking my jacket off and hanging it up along with the backpack and helmet I’d tossed to the floor on my way in. I wanted to be messy, because Gabriel hated it, but I couldn’t, because he’d conditioned me to feel that something out of place was something to be embarrassed about.
I moved to head back to the kitchen but caught sight of myself in the mirror he’d put right by the door. I grimaced at my reflection. The white button-up shirt and black pants I wore to work did nothing for me, but neither did anything else. My brown hair was all over the place, a problem I had even when I didn’t wear my helmet. It constantly refused to lie properly. Gabriel had always messed with it, trying to get it to fit his standards. It was a little longer now, and he would have hated it even more.
I turned to the side in the mirror and eyed my belly beneath my shirt. It stuck out over the pants. I’d had them for a while, and they were kind of hard to button anymore. You’ve put on some weight, you know? I hated his voice in my head, but it was always there. You were so slim when we started dating, Nick. What happened? Why did you stop taking care of yourself?
I tried to suck in my belly in the mirror, and flexed my arms to try and remember how I used to look. There was still muscle there from when I’d lifted weights when I was younger, but I wasn’t stupid, I knew I didn’t look like I used to. Gabriel seemed to say something about it nearly every day before we broke up. Maybe you should go work out in the mornings like Jace does.
I released my abs with an angry breath and turned back toward the kitchen. I was pretty sure I looked older than twenty-six. There were circles under my eyes, and they’d been there even back when I was with Gabriel, because he’d mentioned those, too. But how was I supposed to get a decent night’s sleep when all he did was stress me out? He wanted me to lose weight. He wanted me to look like I had when I was a teenager. He wanted me to be more like this friend or that friend or especially Jace . Not to mention he never wanted me anymore at that point. Not only were my needs not being met, but I felt like I revolted him, and that it was my fault. So excuse me if my nights were spent tossing and turning while he slept soundly with his stupid eye mask and white noise machine, and my appearance suffered. I used to be the pretty boy, but I just felt disgusting.
I grabbed the pizza out of the microwave and headed into the living room, both wanting to eat because I was hungry and fuck him , but also not wanting to eat, because I knew I looked different than I used to, and I wanted to go back to where I’d been. I turned on the TV for noise but grabbed my phone off the coffee table and started scrolling.
I took a bite of pizza out of spite. Gabriel hated pizza. Especially pizza with pineapple, which was my favorite. He said pizza wasn’t refined enough, that it was for poor people. I’d always loved pizza. It was my favorite food, my comfort meal. It reminded me of movie nights with my family, back when I was still happy. He never let me order it when he was there, that’s why I had it at least once a week without him.
I sighed, glancing back at the dark hallway behind me. The place was so gloomy, I wished I could afford the electricity of having all the lights on at night. I hated how depressing it had always been. It was almost eerily silent, so I turned the TV up.
I kind of hated that I’d ended up with the apartment, even though I obviously needed a place to live, and it was good for the spite I held. It was in my name, because despite how he talked about poor people, my credit score was the only one high enough for the apartment he’d so desperately needed. He’d been livid. But since he was upset I got to keep our home, that was enough for me to continue living there.
I didn’t need two bedrooms. I wasn’t planning on having any guests or hosting any parties. We’d always entertained, or rather, Gabriel had always entertained. He’d insisted on a spare room for his family to stay in when they came to visit us in Florida. My own family rarely travelled, and he made it clear that they would need to find a hotel if they actually did come and visit. We needed the room for him, not for me.
The whole place was big and open, with high ceilings and light that didn’t reach quite far enough. It felt empty and dark, had even before he was gone. I thought maybe I should get a pet. A cat, perhaps, since they were pretty self-sufficient. It might take some of the loneliness away. I doubted I could afford the pet fee, though. I was barely paying my bills as it was. It had been fine when there were two incomes, but since switching to a lower paying job, when it went down to one income, it was a bit of a struggle.
I hated him. I hated both of them. The people I thought I could trust most in the world had betrayed me to the point I’d never recover. There were very few people in the world I trusted anymore, and none I would trust with my heart. The only people I associated with were the close circle of friends I’d made without him. I knew I could trust them, but they were all just friends. As far as loving someone, and being in a relationship again, yeah, I didn’t think that was going to happen.
I ate my pizza as I scrolled through my phone. I looked at his profile, even though I told myself not to click on it. Seeing them smiling through the phone like the uncaring assholes they were made me lose my appetite. I’d only eaten half a piece of pizza, but I felt sick.
I remembered the times I’d cuddled with him on the couch as we watched funny movies late into the night, back before he started picking apart my looks. I remembered thinking then that life was perfect and that I had everything I could possibly want. I remembered the way he’d smile at me when he peered up from my arms. I remembered how he could make me come with barely a touch. How he used to moan beneath me. But then I remembered when he stopped touching me. When he stopped wanting me. When he started subtly telling me I was no longer attractive. I remembered the way I felt when I came home early that day and found them together in the bed that was ours. I threw my plate across the room and let it shatter on the wall. He’d be so livid at the mess of broken glass and pizza. Especially the pizza.
I looked at their pictures again. They were laughing together, like we used to. Holding hands. Taking the trips we’d always talked about taking together. I wasn’t sure why I tortured myself by stalking him on social media, but I did. It wasn’t fair that they got happiness and fun and I got a dreary apartment and a permanent feeling of isolation.
I tossed my phone onto the coffee table and got up to clean the mess, because as much as I wanted to leave it, just like the jacket and helmet, I could not. I knew that was mostly because he would have gotten mad and started yelling if he came home and I hadn’t cleaned up the entire place after working just as much as he did.
I threw the trash in the bin and headed into my bedroom to change into some pajama pants and a tank top. I looked at my body in the bedroom mirror as I passed by. I knew I probably shouldn’t look in a mirror at all, because all I could see was what he’d subtly said for years, even if he didn’t always say the words outright. You’re fat. You’re ugly. You used to be beautiful. What happened?
I sighed and walked back out to the living room, placing my phone out of reach and trying to focus on the TV. I put on a scary movie because he hated them and there were no memories to be found there. I needed something to keep my mind off Gabriel and the ways he’d hurt me. The ways he’d betrayed me. I hugged a pillow to my chest, trying not to cry, trying not to let him win yet again. I hated him. I wished I’d never met him. But I had, and my life had effectively been ruined by him. I knew I’d never be the same.