Chapter Thirty-One Lucy
Chapter Thirty-One
Lucy
I actually wish there were more lighthouses on the wallpaper in my old childhood bedroom. The repeat on the pattern means there are only three versions. Three lighthouses is just not enough in a room this size. It’s the way to madness. I hate it.
I hate everything at the moment. I hate being here at Mom and Dad’s, but for the first time ever, I also hate being in New York. I hate half hoping, half worrying that I’m going to run into Hunter. I hate being without him. I hate that I’m missing him.
I usually unpack my bag when I arrive. Mom usually insists.
But not today. I’m only staying overnight.
I want to see my sister and ooh and ahh over her honeymoon photos.
I want to hug her, then I want to be here for her when she tells Mom she and Ed are moving.
Then after lunch tomorrow, I’m going right back to New York.
I’ve brought my LSAT study book with me so I can go through it on the plane.
I need to reprioritize. Put myself first. I want to pass this exam.
There’s a timid knock on my door, and I know it’s Katherine. She comes in, grinning, and without saying anything, we pull each other into the biggest hug. It hasn’t been long since I saw her, but it feels like forever.
“I’m so nervous,” she whispers.
“You’re doing this for all the right reasons,” I say. “This is the best decision for you and Ed.”
“Mom’s not going to see it like that.”
I nod. There’s no denying it. Katherine is the golden child. I can’t imagine moving away is going to change that, but Mom’s not going to be happy.
“Are you going to tell her right away? Or leave it until you’re about to go home?”
Katherine bites the inside of her cheek.
“I don’t know. Ed wants to get it over with.
We just accepted an offer on our house. Someone came yesterday to see the place.
We still had suitcases laid out in the laundry room, but they loved it and want to move as soon as possible. They want to close in thirty days.”
My eyes go wide. “Wow. Will the Somerville place be ready by then?”
“Yeah. It’s ready as soon as we’re ready.”
“I can’t wait for you to be on that side of the city. You know I’m going to be staying with you when I come into town. It will get me away from this god-awful wallpaper!”
Katherine gasps. “You don’t love these lighthouses? I was thinking about putting the exact same paper up in the guest bedroom.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “Liar.”
“You can help choose everything that’s going into the guest bedroom. I want you and Hunter to feel really comfortable in there.”
My heart twinges when she mentions Hunter, but I don’t say anything.
Hunter and I have agreed not to make any big announcements about our relationship to Katherine and Ed.
I hope things will feel a little better when our split is out in the open.
Maybe it’s the lies that are taking up all the space in my chest and making my heart feel like it’s pushed into my ribs.
I’m hoping then I’ll be able to sleep better, and I won’t constantly wonder what Hunter is doing, how he’s feeling, whether he’s thinking about me.
“Because you’re going to be coming up to see your nieces and nephews every other weekend, right? I’m counting on you babysitting. A lot.”
“I’d love to help you decorate. I bet Mom will too. When she’s had a chance to get used to the idea of you moving.”
Katherine squeals. “No way am I letting her help. I’ll end up with wallpaper like this.”
“Come on,” I say, scooping up her hand. “Ed’s right. You need to bite the bullet and get this over with.”
Katherine pulls in a long breath and we head downstairs.
“What are you two giggling about?” Mom says as we enter the sunny kitchen.
“Mom, we don’t giggle. We are fully grown adults,” I say.
“You were giggling. Your father and Ed are outside. Help me carry this tray, Lucy. If you had come this morning, I would have made us lunch. As it is, there are some snacks in the yard.”
“I was busy this morning,” I say.
“Busy!” she says as if it’s the most ludicrous thing she’s ever heard. “Have children and then tell me you’re busy.”
“So we have some news!” Ed says as the three of us enter the patio area. “Don’t we, Katherine?”
“Sure.” Katherine picks up her iced tea and takes a sip.
My mother’s eyes light up, and I realize she thinks Katherine is going to tell them she’s pregnant. “News?”
Katherine looks nervously at Ed.
“We’ve sold the house,” Ed says.
Mom looks confused.
“I didn’t know it was for sale,” Dad says. “Looking for a place with more bedrooms?”
“Not exactly,” Ed says.
Mom keeps looking at Katherine. Her gaze flits to her stomach and then back to Ed and then to Katherine. “Where are you moving?”
“Closer to town,” Katherine says and swallows audibly.
“I want a shorter commute,” Ed says. “Especially if we’re lucky enough to have children. I want to be able to put them to bed.”
“You’re moving away from Duxbury?” Mom snaps. “Where are you going?”
“Somerville,” Ed says. Ed’s always the most relaxed guy in the room, but even he looks a little nervous right now.
“Somerville?” Mom screams. “Why on earth would you want to move there? That’s forty minutes to an hour from here.”
“It puts me a lot closer to the office. I could walk to work if I wanted. And we’re closer to the airport. I need to be in New York a lot, as you know. It makes sense for us as a family.”
My mom puts her hand on her chest dramatically, as if only her hand is holding her heart inside her body. “But it doesn’t make sense for us as a family. When am I going to see my grandchildren?”
“You’re not going to be far away, Mom,” Katherine says.
She huffs. “But I’m not going to be around the corner either. Am I? I’m not going to be able to pop in whenever I like. I won’t be able to come around with a pie or groceries when you’re too exhausted to do anything. You’re going to need the help. And what about as your father and I get older?”
“We’re not going to be that far away,” Ed repeats as my dad pats my mom on the leg, trying to get her to calm down.
“Do you hear this, Jerry? They’re moving.”
“I heard them,” Dad says. “They have to do what makes sense for them.”
“But it doesn’t make sense to raise children close to the city. You’ll have less green space. You’ll be caught up in all the traffic.”
“You’ll love the place,” Ed says, cutting off Mom’s objections. “It’s an old-fashioned Cape Cod with a big backyard. It’s perfect for kids.”
Mom turns to Katherine. “And this is what you want? Or is Ed pushing you into it?”
“Mom!” I say.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” Katherine says. “This is what we want. It’s a beautiful house, and Ed works so hard. He wants to be a hands-on father, and that’s hard with his job. This makes it easier.”
We, we, we. Katherine’s a we with Ed now. She and I used to be a we. Maybe we still are. But I can’t help thinking that I need my own partner to be the other half of my we. My mind is still so full of Hunter. I can’t think about it being anyone but him.
“So you just expect us to drive across the city every day when you have children?” Mom says. “It’s selfish, Katherine. That’s what this is. Pure selfishness.”
But it’s not selfish. It’s just not what Mom wants.
She’s the one being selfish. She’s only seeing this from her perspective.
But it’s not her life. It’s Katherine and Ed’s life.
I’ve never seen my mother’s self-serving behavior so clearly.
Her love is entirely conditional upon Katherine and me doing what she wants.
Katherine has always been happy to go along with Mom’s demands.
She went to the college Mom wanted her to go to, became a teacher because Mom thought it was a good idea.
Now, for the first time ever, Katherine is doing something Mom doesn’t approve of.
I’ve never seen it so starkly. I was always the black sheep of the family because I wasn’t playing Mom’s game.
I moved to New York City, away from her interference.
She had less power over me there. And she didn’t like it. So she made me feel bad.
Thank God I moved. She’s still had more control over me than she should have. She was always there, even when she wasn’t. The mirror in the hallway, the bowl on my coffee table, the voice in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough.
It’s so clear to me.
“What about your job?” Mom says, her voice trembling.
“I’ll have a commute this semester while I look for something a little closer to where we live. But it’s not that far.”
“I suppose you’ll be pregnant by then. You can resign.”
“I’m not going to resign if I get pregnant. I want to work. It’s another reason we want to go to the city. There are more opportunities. I want our kids to be surrounded by more of the world,” Katherine says. “I want them to wake up and be surrounded by possibility.”
Mom rolls her eyes. “You’ll be back, mark my words. You’ll need our help and you’ll be back.”
Except I don’t think they will move back. Katherine’s married now, and she has a life outside my parents. Outside Mom. She’s tasted freedom. There will be no going back now.
There’s a sudden burst of energy within me.
I haven’t lived here for years now, but Mom’s been right on my shoulder everywhere I go.
I’ve been trapped, worried I’m not good enough, for what?
For whom? A mother who’s trying to control her daughters by withdrawing her approval when they want different things from her.
It’s as if a thousand strings have snapped all at once. Now that I can see it, I’m finally free. I’m only going to get my mom’s approval when I’m doing what she wants.
Well, I want different things than she does. I want more for myself than she believes I can have.
“I’m studying for my LSAT,” I announce. I want to take the pressure off Katherine. She’s not used to Mom’s disapproval like I am. I can handle it. I’ve had plenty of practice.
“What?” Mom hisses.
“That’s great,” Ed says. Katherine beams at me.
“I’m going to sit for the LSAT,” I say. “And if I get a good score, I might go to law school.” I take a strawberry off the pile of fruit in the middle of the table and sink my teeth into it. It’s the sweetest strawberry I’ve ever tasted.
“Law school? Where are you going to get the money for law school?” Mom asks.
I figure they’ve given Katherine about fifty thousand dollars if you take into account the contribution to the wedding and the honeymoon. And they don’t know that my law firm is offering to sponsor me.
“I’ll figure it out,” I say. I don’t need to explain myself to my mom anymore. I don’t need to justify it. If I’d announced this a couple of months ago, I would have felt sick to my stomach that I didn’t have their support. But now, I accept it. And I’ll do what I want.
“Figure it out?” Mom asks. “How do you think you’ll just figure it out? Don’t think your father and I are going to be cosigning anything. We have to think of our retirement.”
“I’m not expecting anything more than I’d usually get from you, Mom.
” Finally, I’ve realized, it doesn’t matter what I do or how hard I try to be better for my mom, it’s never going to be enough.
She’s never going to stop wanting more from me.
Nothing’s ever going to make her happy as far as I’m concerned.
“Well, what does that mean?” she asks snippily.
“It means that I’m done hoping for more, Mom. I’m through with trying to do better so you’ll be nicer to me, so you’ll stop with the criticisms and the put-downs. I get it. You’re always going to think I’m not good enough.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t know what you mean, I’m—”
“There’s no point in pretending it’s not happening, Mom.
And you know what? You’re never going to change, and that’s fine.
I accept it. But I’m going to do things differently from here on out.
I’m going to want better for myself. And maybe I’m going to stay with Katherine and Ed when I come to Boston.
” If nothing else it will mean I don’t have to put up with the stupid lighthouse wallpaper.
“And honestly, I think I’ll stay at the Harbor Inn tonight. ”
“The Harbor Inn?” Mom’s voice is bordering on a shriek. “What on earth do you mean, you’ll stay at the Harbor Inn?” For a second, I think Mom’s actually upset at the idea of losing me. And then she says, “Janine might be working. Whatever will she think?”
It doesn’t surprise me that my mother is more concerned about what her hairdresser—who does a couple of shifts on reception at the Harbor Inn—will think than the fact that her daughter doesn’t want to stay under her roof.
I wish I was less disappointed. Maybe there will always be a part of me that wants my mom’s approval, but it’s never been clearer to me that I won’t get it.
I head up to my old bedroom and grab my suitcase. At least I didn’t unpack.
There’s a quiet knock at the door. I look up and my dad pokes his head in. “Come on, now,” he says. “There’s no need for you to go anywhere.”
I sigh and set my case onto its wheels. “Actually, Dad, I think there is. I’m miserable when I’m around her.”
“She’s not that bad,” he says, his forehead furrowed and his eyes sad.
“Not to you, maybe. I’m done being her punching bag. What mother reacts to their daughter wanting to go to law school like that?”
“You know she doesn’t like change. That’s all this is. When she’s had a chance to think about it, I’m sure she’ll come around. You know how she is—she’s just worried about money.”
I huff out a laugh. “Not so worried that you didn’t spend a fortune on Katherine’s wedding. And the gift.”
Dad has the good sense to look embarrassed.
“I’m not prepared to do this dance we do anymore, Dad. I love you. But honestly, you’ve watched this for years and you’ve never said anything. You’ve never defended me or told her to tone it down. I’m done.”
Then I pick up my bag, press a kiss to his cheek, and leave.