Chapter 33
Thirty-Three
Hearing Peri sobbing from the conference room and not going to him felt like ripping Wash’s heart from his own chest. To keep himself from going back in there, he teleported away.
Away from the heartbreaking realization that his entire relationship was a lie.
Away from the truth that his boyfriend only ever came up to him because Taron asked him to.
Because the CEOs wanted him to stop working overtime.
He paced around his living room, replaying every interaction with Peri, trying to find the signals he’d missed. Was any of it real? Was it all just Peri following orders?
Pain ripped through his chest, and he clutched at it automatically, like somehow he could hold back the ache of his heart being shredded, because the first real relationship he’d ever had was all an illusion. A game.
He never thought Taron would be that cruel, to send someone to flirt with him just to get him out of the office.
Taron had insisted they were best friends.
He’d accepted Wash’s name preferences and shared them amongst everyone at the retreat so he felt more comfortable.
Wash had noticed no one had called him Hugo since he shared the preference with Taron.
He’d even tried to give Wash an excuse so he wouldn’t have to fly if he didn’t want to.
Wash had just started to trust him. Started to think maybe letting people in wouldn’t end in heartache.
Maybe he should have seen it coming. People didn’t keep him. They never had.
Pain rippled again, and he couldn’t hold back the shout as it exploded from him. “Fuck!”
He shouldn’t have trusted letting people in.
He would have thought he’d learned that lesson already.
Elijah, his person when he was a kid, pushed him away because Wash was too protective.
Too violent. His parents hadn’t even wanted him in the first place.
They’d gotten pregnant because his dad had a vision that they’d give birth to Elijah.
Twins hadn’t been part of their plan. They hadn’t exactly been loving to Elijah either, they did just enough to avoid being considered neglectful, but at least they’d helped him.
Trained him when his magic came in. Wash was an afterthought. A mistake. He wasn’t wanted.
Something cold like ice filled his chest, spreading through his body until he swore he could see his breath like people did when they first went outside in the cold winter air.
His movements slowed, and he sank to his knees, staring out the window like somehow he’d find an answer on what to do next.
Because even with all the pain and anguish swirling through his chest, he still wanted to go back.
Wanted to find Peri and hold him. He was Wash’s light.
He made the room feel warm. And without him, Wash wasn’t sure he’d ever feel warm again.
He wasn’t sure how long he stayed in that position.
Long enough for the sun to go down and the room to go dark.
He might not have moved from that position at all if someone hadn’t knocked on his door.
A pathetic hope lit in his chest that it was Peri coming to see him, and he scrambled to his feet, wincing at the stiffness in his joints from remaining motionless for so long.
He stumbled toward the door, ripping it open with Peri’s name on his lips, only to stop himself when he realized who was standing there.
“Elijah?”
His brother was alone, which was rare these days, his expression worried as he took Wash in. “Hey… Can I come in?”
A part of him wanted to say no. He narrowed his eyes, studying his brother's face a little closer. “Taron didn't send you, did he?”
Tipping his head, Elijah answered honestly, “Not technically. He told me what happened and that he was worried about you, but he didn’t ask me to come here. That was my decision to make.”
Grudgingly, he accepted that, stepping back to let Elijah in.
He followed his brother to the living room, not bothering to turn on the light as he moved to sit by the window again.
Elijah turned on a light in the kitchen so the light wasn’t bright enough to irritate him, but gave his brother enough visibility to move around without risking hurting himself.
“How’d you find me? You’ve never been here before.”
“Ah, um…” Elijah cleared his throat, his expression apologetic as he replied, “I have access to personnel files. I snuck a peek into yours to get your address.”
“Isn’t that against the rules?” he asked, though he didn’t really care. He was too cold. He felt like he couldn’t care about anything anymore.
Elijah nodded, coming to stand near the window at Wash’s side. “Technically, yes. I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t tell on me, though. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“Would you be?” he shot back, then grimaced. This was why he’d left. He didn’t trust himself to be kind right now. It was better if everyone just left him alone.
Sinking into a squat with his arms around his knees, Elijah acknowledged, “No. And you have every right to be hurt. I guess I just thought if it were me, I wouldn’t want to have to face it all alone. You’re my brother. I’d want you there.”
The thought hurt, and Wash pulled away from him, glaring. “You’ve never wanted me there before. You’re only saying that in some misguided attempt to make me feel better. It won’t work, Elijah. And if you’re just going to lie, you should go. I’m not in the mood to be placated.”
Before he could storm away, a blast of telepathic energy hit him hard enough to make his breath catch.
His gaze whipped back to Elijah, who scowled at him.
“I understand you’re hurt, Wash, but it’s not fair to take it out on me.
I’m not lying to you. I’ve wanted to be closer to you for a while now.
I miss my brother. And I won’t let you put words into my mouth when I’m only trying to help you. ”
For a moment, Wash was too stunned to speak.
Elijah had never pushed back, not like that.
He’d certainly never used his magic on Wash to get him to listen.
It wasn’t that strong, Elijah obviously hadn’t used a lot, but it gave him a hint of the power his brother had been hiding.
Maybe he wasn’t as helpless as Wash had feared after all.
Elijah’s determination never wavered, and Wash eventually relented, turning to face the window again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m probably not good company right now, though, so it might be better if you go.”
“If that’s what you really want, I’ll respect your boundaries. But if you want someone to talk to, I need you to know I’m here. I know we haven’t been close since we were kids, and when things are better, I’d like to change that, but for now, I want you to know I’m here for you.”
Wash didn’t reply. He wasn’t sure what to say to that. He didn’t have the emotional capacity to dig into what happened between him and Elijah. Not when it felt like his heart was missing.
Elijah didn’t push a second time, standing to give Wash the space he asked for. He stopped long enough to pat him on the shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly, and before he could get too far, Wash caught his arm, his glare locked on the window.
“You can read people. You’ve met him. Was any of it real?” he croaked. He couldn’t look at his brother when he asked. He was afraid to see the truth on his face. But he needed to know anyway.
“I can answer that question, but until you’re ready to let me in, I don’t think you’d be receptive to the answer.”
That sounded like something their father would say. It was cryptic and didn’t make any sense, and it got Wash to look away from the window, shooting a confused glance at his brother. “What?”
With a sigh, Elijah explained, “I’ve learned in the past few months that keeping people at a distance only makes things harder.
You miss out on the connections right in front of your face if you always have your walls up and your head down.
You’ve been doing that your whole life. I can tell you how much people love you and care about you, but they’re just words.
If you truly want to know the answer, you have to let me show you. ”
He hated that he was right. Even if Elijah told him Peri was sincere, he’d have a hard time believing it.
A lifetime of rejection didn’t open him up to the idea that someone could actually care.
He knew what Elijah was asking of him. He was asking for Wash to let him not just into his head but into his circle.
To be there for him. To risk being rejected again.
“What if I can’t?”
Elijah’s smile was sad when he replied, “You can. When you’re ready. You’re the strongest person I know. You don’t have to face it all now, you deserve time to process, but eventually, you can.”
He huffed, the laugh hollow and lifeless as he pointed out, “You’re starting to sound a lot like Dad.”
“Rude,” Elijah shot back, though his smile said he wasn’t actually offended. He put his hand on top of Wash’s on his wrist, squeezing gently. “Take your time. And when you’re ready, come find me.”
It took two days for Wash to work up the courage to see his brother.
Two painful days where he battled old hurts and his instincts to seek out the one person he knew would make him feel better.
He missed Peri so much, he even seemed to have created his own sigil on a small spot on his wrist. A little shimmery blue flower blossom that made him ache for Peri every time he looked at it.
At first he was angry with himself for doing it, he was only making it harder on himself, but he’d taken to stroking his thumb over it while he tried to get his head on straight.
It was the only thing that made him feel even a little warmer.
That realization, that Peri was the only thing he wanted, was what drove him to his brother’s office.
He teleported by habit to the research floor and took a long look at the doorway to the main floor before deciding against heading inside.
He didn't want to face his coworkers and their questions about his absence right now. He just needed to see Elijah.
Teleporting again, he arrived inside Elijah’s office without a sound, making Elijah jump when he cleared his throat to get his attention.
“Goddess, Wash! You startled me!” His gaze went distant for a moment, and he shook his head. “No, Alistair. I’m fine. Wash is here.”
Alistair poked his head in from where he must have been sitting outside Elijah’s office, his eyes narrowed. He took in Wash’s disheveled appearance and seemed to choose not to complain about the abrupt entrance, instead asking, “Door closed or open?”
“Closed, please,” Elijah answered with a smile. “Thank you, love.”
Alistair closed the door, and Wash felt his stomach twist uncomfortably. He glanced at his brother, whose steady patience never wavered.
“Want to sit on the couch? Or would you prefer to stand?”
Rolling his eyes, he stomped over to the couch and sat heavily, then sighed. He couldn’t muster his normal aloofness, or even his fury anymore. He was just… cold.
Elijah sat beside him, and to Wash’s surprise, he pulled the throw off the back of the couch and draped it over Wash’s lap.
When Wash looked at him incredulously, Elijah shrugged.
“I can read strong emotions, even when I’m not trying to.
You still have amazing shields, but with this much emotional upheaval, something's bound to slip out.”
“What did you get?” he demanded, then winced. That sounded accusing and he hadn’t meant it like that. He promised himself he wouldn’t take his mood out on his brother who was only trying to help. “Sorry.”
“I understand,” Elijah replied graciously. “And it wasn’t so much a thought or emotion. Just a feeling of cold. I thought the blanket might help.”
“I don’t think anything will help right now.”
“You never know until you try.”