8. Chapter 8 Choices
JULIANA
My text alert chimes as I stare at the pregnancy tests right beside the Plan B and condoms in the family planning aisle of the pharmacy.
I've never had a reason to be in this aisle before. Who knew there were so many different kinds of condoms? And lube. Even the Plan B has generic and other brand alternatives. And the number of unique pregnancy tests is staggering.
Is one better than the other?
Overwhelmed by choices, I check the text, hoping it's Gabriel.
It's Tessa.
Big Sis: DeeDee says you're dating!!! Why haven't I heard about this gorgeous man who wears designer suits and visits you at the horse ranch?!!
Jules: I never should have introduced you two!
Big Sis: Dish, or I'm video calling you right now.
Jules: That's not the threat you think it is. I don't have to answer.
Big Sis: Like that's ever worked on me before. I'll tell Charlie we're making the call. You can't refuse to answer then. It will hurt his feelings.
She's so right about that. And she knows it. Darn it.
Jules: I'm at the store.
Like that would stop her, but the last thing I want to do is take a video call in the family planning aisle of CVS.
Big Sis: So, spill. This is your last chance to do this via text.
Right. Like once I tell her what's going on the video call isn't an inevitability.
Jules: His name is Gabriel. He's amazing.
I want to tell my big sister that I had sex for the first time. That I think I love him. That he left for home the day after we had sex for the first time. That I'm trying to decide between buying Plan B and a pregnancy test for later.
It shouldn't even be a choice. I've known Gabriel for like a minute. And even though he said he would celebrate me getting pregnant, he can't mean it, right?
Only, there was nothing but honesty in his eyes when he said it. And he told me he would never lie to me. And that he doesn't say things he doesn't mean.
But even if none of that is true, I want a family. I love children. Charlie is one of my favorite people in the whole world. I adore him even more than his mom and she totally gets it because she feels the same way.
Jules: I think I love him.
I grab both Plan B and a pregnancy test. I have up to 72 hours after Gabriel came inside me to take the morning after pill. I don't have to make up my mind right this second.
My phone rings with a video call request on my way to the counter to check out. I decline the call and text Tessa.
Jules: I'm checking out. I'll call you from the car.
I'm not even a little surprised that my nephew's adorable face is the first thing I see when the call connects. My sister doesn't make empty threats.
"Hey, buddy."
"Aunt Jules!" Charlie yells at full volume. "When are you coming to visit?"
My sister definitely put him up to asking.
I'm not above fighting fire with fire. "I was hoping you'd come here. The horses miss you."
"Flag on the play." I can hear my sister's annoyed voice, but she's not in the video frame. "No fair playing the horse card."
Her words get swallowed up in my nephew's pleading to be taken to Santa Fe to see the horses. "Tomorrow, can we go tomorrow?" he asks, bouncing up and down and shaking the phone.
Talking to him on a video call is a lot like watching badly done handheld camera angles from a low-budget movie.
"We're going out to see them for your yaya's birthday next month."
Mom's birthday is June 21st. Will Gabriel be in Santa Fe? He didn't tell me when in June he planned to return. If he is, should I introduce him to my family?
My gaze flicks to the pharmacy bag with the morning after pill and the pregnancy test. If I'm even considering not taking that morning after pill because something deep inside me wants to be pregnant with Gabriel's baby, then I probably should.
"How many days?" My nephew's not even sort of placated voice commands my attention.
"Twenty-two," my sister says in a bright tone, confirming they'll be in town a couple of days before mom's birthday. "Just a little over three weeks."
"That's too long," Charlie complains.
"I miss you too, bud."
Charlie's little face scrunches up. "I want to see the horses."
That tells me. I can't help laughing. "Let me tell you about Sage. He's my new favorite."
I tell Charlie all about Sage and his nervousness about the mounting block while teasing my sister with information about my first meeting with Gabriel. She can't ask any of the questions she wants to while Charlie and I are talking about the horses.
Serves her right for using the threat of his hurt feelings to force me to answer the phone.
Once I've exhausted all my new stories about my charges, Charlie says he wants to go play and shoves the phone at his mom. Tessa's not having it and makes Charlie say goodbye politely.
His, "Love you, Aunt Jules," doesn't have to be prompted though.
I'm smiling when my sister's face comes into view.
"Give me a second," she says.
A couple more moves with the phone and a glimpse of her ceiling before it's steady again, her face now center frame in my phone's screen.
"Thank you," I say with feeling.
"I know, right? I swear I get car sick every time I try to video call with my son."
Which is at least once each of the three days a week she works at the art gallery.
"He still won't use the phone stand?" I ask.
"Nope." Tessa waves her hand. "Never mind that. You met Gabriel when he wanted a tour of the stables?"
"Don't pretend DeeDee didn't already tell you all about my first meeting with Gabriel, which she instigated."
"But you like him." She doesn't use the l-word I texted because my sister knows me.
Saying it out loud would probably send me into a full-blown panic attack.
"We um…" Why is this so hard to say?
My sister and I tell each other almost everything.
I mean, I assume there's stuff she doesn't tell me.
I never told her about Juan. In fact, outside of Juan and his new wife, Gabriel's the only other person who knows about my friendship (and unrequited crush, which I hope even he's not aware of) with Juan.
I got over my crush after Juan moved out of state, but I don't want Gabriel to know I would have dated the older man in a hot minute. If he'd asked.
It's a moot point now, anyway, right?
"You um, what?" Then my sister's face registers surprise. "He kissed you already?"
"Already? We've been dating two weeks."
"You didn't let Lonny kiss you until you'd been seeing each other twice that long."
Well, I definitely let Gabriel kiss me. And wish he was still in the city so he could do it again.
"It was more than a kiss," I admit.
Tessa gasps and stares at me bug-eyed. "How much more?" she asks after several seconds of shocked silence on her end.
How do I answer that?
Hey, big sis, I'm not a virgin anymore.
We did the deed. And it was amazing, profound and intensely emotional.
He spent the night.
What comes out of my mouth is, "I bought a pregnancy test." I don't even mention the Plan B.
Oh, lord. I'm not going to take it, am I?
Ever since meeting Gabriel, emotions I've done my best to suppress since childhood have been roiling and bursting inside me like the lava in a volcano getting ready to erupt.
Last night, the first geyser blew. The moment he joined his body to mine, it set off seismic shifts for my future that register on the cataclysmic end of the Richter scale.
"You're already pregnant?" my sister shrieks, showing where Charlie got his volume from. "How long have you been sleeping with him?"
"Last night."
Tessa goes quiet, her eyes probing mine. "You didn't use birth control?"
I shake my head.
"At all? This wasn't just a momentary lapse?"
"No."
"What about the morning after pill?"
"I bought one."
"So, freaking take it already, Juliana Marie Caldwell! You met this man two weeks ago. You can't have a baby with him."
"He doesn't want me to take it."
"And that matters why?"
"Because I don't either." Even though I am smack dab in the middle of my cycle and my chances of getting pregnant are way higher than they would be a week from now.
"Okay, that's it. Charlie is getting his wish." She turns her head and yells, "Get us a flight tonight to Santa Fe, Albuquerque, any airport within six hours. If you can't get three seats, just get one for me."
"What's going on?" That's Mark's voice, my sister's husband.
"My sister has lost her damn mind, that's what."
"Juliana?" he asks with patent disbelief. "That sister?"
"I only have one."
"Yeah, but Juliana?"
"Just find us a flight!" My sister sounds unhinged. Then she turns back to face the phone camera. "We'll be there tomorrow. I'm going to make sure you take that darn pill. We've got a three day window. If you take it tomorrow, it will still be okay."
"What are you going to do, shove it down my throat?" I ask, way more amused than I should be by my sister's meltdown.
"If that's what it takes."
"Aren't you the lady that dragged me to the Women's March? My body, my choice. Ring any bells?"
"You're my little sister!"
"But I'm not a child. Even if things don't work out with Gabriel, I want to be a mom." That truth is one of the seismic shifts wreaking havoc on my normal brain processes. "Considering how long it took me to have sex the first time around, this might be my best chance at that happening."
Three weeks ago, saying that would have made me melancholy. Now, it just is. A fact I refuse to hide from.
"You can't make a decision like this on the spur of the moment!" She's shouting again.
"It's not." I tilt my head back so the unexpected tears burning the back of my eyes don't fall. "I always thought if I was going to have a baby, it would have to be artificial insemination."
"What? Why would you think that?" Tessa demands.
I still don't look at my sister. "You know why."
"Is this about that little creep you dated in high school?"
It is and it isn't. "He only said what everyone else was thinking."
That I should be grateful he even wanted sex with a freak. Even if it was only for a bet.
"He was a vicious little toad who didn't like being told no," Tessa condemns.