25. Chapter 18
Chapter 18
Stone
“ I swear you’ll be the death of me, Lucy May. Who gave you permission to look this ravishing at a community event?” Within the privacy of my office, I tug my literal little lion close and kiss a trail from her jaw to her collarbone, careful to avoid her carefully crafted lioness makeup.
“Marble, stop it.” She laughs and pushes me away. “You’ll ruin my face.”
I purr playfully, pulling her back to me and kissing down the other side of her neck. “Don’t tempt me.”
Lucy moans softly, and I feel my body react to her. Better stop now so I don’t lock that door and lay her down on my desk. A man can only hold out for so long.
Over the past two weeks, we haven’t hung out as much as we were prior to my birthday night and her confession. We haven’t slept together, though admittedly, we’ve come close a few times. She has given me space when I need it, which I constantly tell her I appreciate because I can see how hard it is on her. I see it when she’s secretly crying at work. I see it when she posts on social media in the middle of the night. I see it in how her clothes seem to be getting looser. I see haunted ghosts in her eyes, and it absolutely kills me that I’m the reason.
But tonight, everything changes.
I’ve tried my best to be good to Lucy over this past week. She deserves a good, Godly man to lead her and love her. That’s the conclusion. How I become that man is still up in the air. And how she heals from this… I don’t know. I see how anxious I’ve made her, and her sadness is overwhelming sometimes. I don’t know how to help her through it anymore. My jokes don’t work and I don’t have answers for her. I’m starting to think she needs space, whether she realizes it or not, to work through her own stuff. I think… I think I’m hindering her.
“You seriously did an amazing job, Lucy,” I step away, my eyes traveling from her curly, teased hair down her sharp and dangerous makeup meant to give her the face of a lion. She wears a golden beige knee-length dress with fringe hanging off the sleeves and at the bottom hem. Typical Lucy, she’s running around in black-heeled boots.
How her feet don’t fall off at the end of every day, I’ll never know.
“Thank you,” she says with a happy smile and little twirl. “Makeup is my second love after writing.”
Even the mention of the word love tightens my chest, but I breathe through it, fighting the feeling.
“Ready to go entertain kids for the night?”
She smiles and takes my hand in hers. I will relish the feeling of her skin touching mine for the rest of my existence. Even if I never get to experience it again outside of my dreams at night.
“You could have dressed up, you know?” She squeezes my hand.
I shrug. “I am dressed up. Don’t I look great in my boss outfit?”
She laughs as we walk into the gym of the community center, and I’m once again taken aback at Lucy’s eye for details. Halloween has thrown up in here, and I’m thankful it came without horrors.
Because Lucy is scared easily and didn’t want to terrify kids with our Halloween Bash, she’s put together the most epic fall festival this town has ever seen.
There’s the basic bobbing for apples, throw the football through the hanging tire, and our town’s favorite game even in the midst of Halloween—Ring Pacey the Panther—where people toss hula-hoops around Juniper Grove High School’s mascot.
I wonder what poor, unfortunate soul got stuck in the suit tonight.
But aside from the classic games, Lucy has a live game of chess happening in the middle of the room, reminiscent of the scene from Harry Potter. There’s a section devoted to giant games such as UNO and Jenga. Children wrapping their parents in toilet paper like mummies and pumpkin tic-tac-toe is going on. Plus so much more.
“Wow, Lucy May. This is incredible.” I tuck her into my side, kissing her lightly on the top of her head.
She scoffs. “You’re acting like I haven’t shown you the game plan a million times. ”
I shake my head. “But still. It’s nothing compared to the reality of what you’ve done here tonight.” I glance at her, and she’s positively beaming with pride.
I thought I knew exactly what I needed to do tonight, but now I’m not so sure.
How could I let a woman like this slip through my arms simply because I don’t feel like I’m enough?
I just need to do it.
Be enough.
For her.
“Oh, look! There’s Emma Jane, and is that…” She bounces on her toes. “The mayor is here tonight. Let’s go say hello to Mr. Knightley Austen.” She drags me behind her, and I paste a smile on my face, forcing all other thoughts from my head.
We approach the red-headed older man who just dropped out from the mayoral race a couple of days ago. “Mayor, I’m glad you could come out tonight.” I shake his hand, and he gives me a warm smile. I had invited him over email and reminded him about this event a week ago at the town’s Sweet Tea Festival.
“Thank Emma Jane. She forced me out of my office.”
I glance between the two of them, smiling like fools at one another. They sure aren’t letting the media tongue lashing get them down.
Emma Jane is twenty-three. He’s thirty-six. The people of this area have not been kind to the announcement that they are a couple. To be honest, it kind of weirds me out .
Not your place to judge, Stone. Age isn’t that important once both parties are out of college. You had to get over your woman being older than you…
“Thanks, EJ,” Lucy says, embracing her friend in a hug. “I like your female knight costume. I wonder what inspired that…” The two women link arms and walk away. Knightley and I exchange glances, and by the way his red undertone skin deepens, I wonder if he thinks I’m going to say something about their relationship.
I’m not. It’s not my place to pry nor is it my story to infringe upon. I can’t even keep my own relationship from falling to fragments.
“How’s the law firm doing? Lucy says Lorelei occasionally mentions missing it.”
“The firm misses her, that’s for sure. It’s not the same without her organization and attention to detail.” He shoves his hands in his khaki pants, and I’m glad I’m not the only one who didn’t feel the holiday spirit. “I like what you’re doing with this place, Mr. Harper. Each event you host seems to get bigger and better. I know it’s had a wonderful impact on the community.”
Pride swells within me at his praise. “Thank you, Mayor Austen. That means a lot to me. I’m glad I can help and provide for this community in this small capacity. Though you should thank Lucy for the events. She’s the best of the best when it comes to planning. That mind of hers is fascinating.”
He smirks at me and shakes his head. “Women. Once we fall in love, there’s nothing we wouldn’t do or praises we wouldn’t sing for them, am I right? ”
I laugh nervously, my chest constricting. “Right. Well, I better go make sure everyone is safe and having a good time. Thanks again for coming.”
We shake hands to say goodbye then I dart away, heading for the men’s restroom in our office quarters.
With every human I dodge in my path, my vision grows fuzzier. The various masks—ghosts, Freddie Kruger, Scream, etc.—are somehow enlarged within my sight, haunting and taunting and torturing me.
Love. Love. Love.
I do love her. But…
I can’t love Lucy.
She’s too precious.
I’m too broken.
I burst into the bathroom and cling to the edge of the sink, taking quickened breaths. After a few moments, and I’ve slowed my heart rate down a little, I splash water on my face and scowl at the man in the mirror.
Just who have I become?
“ W hat an amazing night! I can’t believe we pulled that off so well.” Lucy rubs circles on my thigh with her thumb as we drive to my place. I smile softly at her, but I know she can tell something’s up.
It’s the deadline, after all .
And she’s tried her hardest to be the strongest soldier for me tonight. She has smiled hollow smiles, laughed ghostly laughs, and eyed me when she thought I wasn’t looking as if she has a sadness disease that she must keep hidden from me.
It’s no use.
I know the truth of it. I see through her Happy Mask.
I’m the reason she even has to don one.
She needs someone who can say he loves her. A man who will lead her in Christ. I am not him. I can’t even lead myself to Christ. I don’t even know if I believe anymore, but I know I have to figure it out. Everything inside me screams that that is the most important thing at the moment.
We pull into my driveway, and I watch Lucy eye her car with a sense of hopelessness.
I open her door for her, grasp her hand, and walk her toward the door. She follows me inside but doesn’t leave the entryway.
“Would you like something to drink?” I ask, walking towards the kitchen.
“I’m okay, thanks.” Her voice sounds like it’s on the verge of shattering, and I feel like the smallest man who has ever lived for unintentionally stringing her along because I wasn’t brave enough to call it off earlier.
Heck, I still don’t know if I’m brave enough.
Part of me hopes that maybe I could heal alongside her, but another part of me says that it’s no use.
I don’t know which is the angel or which is the devil .
Not to mention she is utterly depressed, and it’s time she works through that without me dragging her deeper and deeper into the darkness.
Sipping the glass of water I just poured, I walk towards Lucy.
I set the glass down on the table, take four steps towards the doorway, and wrap her in the tightest hug I think I’ve ever given anyone. Her vanilla scent burns in mind, branding itself on me to terrorize me later tonight. My brain continuously flickers between keeping her and letting her go.
I hold on tighter.
Finally, she slips her arms around my waist and matches my tug.
After what feels like a millenia, she pushes me away, moving her hands from my back to my chest. “Stone…”
My name is a desperate plea on her lips.
“Lucy…”
Her name is a glass heart in my hands.
“Don’t do this,” she whispers in a broken, anguished prayer.
“I—” I can’t even finish my sentence before her mouth is on mine, kissing me with fervor and passion. I relish the strawberry taste and lose myself to the frantic kiss, switch our positions so I can push her up against the side wall by the door. Her hands pull my hair as she drags my head down to her, and my fingers dig into her waist as I recognize this kiss is her final attempt to get me to stay. To verify my thoughts, she begins to tug at the side zipper of her dress. I grab her hand and fight the draconian desire to allow her to continue. “Lucy,” I growl, preparing to open my fingers and drop her glass heart. It’s that or lose this battle and hate myself in the morning. She doesn’t understand she’d hate me, too. “Stop. ”
It’s clear to me now.
“What?” Her voice raises as she slams her hands on my chest. “What is it, Stone?”
Lucy
My back presses against the wall, my hands flat on his chest like paddles prepared to initiate shocks to the heart if he doesn’t say those three words.
“I can’t. I can’t love you, Lucy. I’m—”
“You’re what? Afraid? Scared? Insecure? Want to run?” I can’t control the volume of my voice as it rises to new elevations of high-pitched anger. “You kiss me. Everywhere. Slow and steady and full of sureness. Like I’m the woman you’ll kiss for the rest of your life yet that still won’t be long enough. Your hands have touched every part of me, and your whispered words have wrapped themselves around the entirety of my limbic system. You’ve made me yours, Stone. Yours!” Anger pulses through my veins as I strain to catch a wisp of a controlled breath. Within the battleground of my mind, I pray, no, beg, God not to punish me for my sins by taking this man away from me. God, can we reinstate the earlier bargain? I’ll do anything…
“Yes. Dang it, Lucy! I’m terrified to love you.” He slams his hands on either side of my head as he drops his own in defeat, eyes cast down so that all I can see is the top of his shaggy, blond hair. “I’m terrified to let myself melt into a puddle at your feet. To let myself become clay in your hands. To lose all sense of self in pursuit of your big, beautiful, hazel eyes. If I let myself love you, you will bring me to my knees, Lucy May. Straight to my knees in a position to beg you to love me for all my faults and failures, knowing there is no way in—” curse “—that I am good enough for you. You deserve more. So much more. You deserve someone who actually knows what love is!”
The fight I had evaporates at his blatant admission. Hearing those words outright makes all the fuzzy and confused feelings crystal clear. My stomach churns as I prepare my next words. I drop my hands from his chest and place a finger on his chin to tilt his eyes to me.
“When you figure out if you’ll let yourself love me, come find me.”
“Lucy,” his voice cracks on my name. “Please be happy. Please find someone to help you out of this depression that’s gripping you.”
His request sends me reeling. I’m not depressed. I’m just… sad. And anxious. Who the— curse —is he to tell me to get help, anyway?! I swallow the bile burning up my throat.
“You need help,” I bite before ducking out of his arms and standing behind him. He doesn’t turn around. “Until then, don’t contact me. If you aren’t going to love me and help me out of this, then I need to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. And I need to do it alongside people I know love and care about me.”
Though… who even does ?
I’m so… alone.
Everyone leaves.
My eyes burn to cry, but I’m so numb. I wait a second. Five seconds. Ten…
Stone doesn’t turn around.
“You should have just let me drown,” I whisper. I will my feet to move against the desire to collapse into a trembling mess on his floor. One step. Another. Until my weakened, broken self is once again crossing the threshold of his door.
Defeated.
Bruised.
A shell of the woman who entered this house with determination and gumption a couple of weeks ago.
How did he do this to me?
How did I let this happen?
How is it ending?
As I close the door behind me, on the concrete porch, I collapse to my knees, feeling my skin split apart.
“Oh, God,” I cry out in the smallest, fragmented voice I no longer recognize as my own. Tears finally break through. “Make it go away!”