Chapter 9 Harper
CHAPTER NINE
Harper
It feels so good to be back in San Diego.
Marcus and I have settled into a comfortable lifestyle in a small two-bedroom craftsman house near the college.
We’re so busy we rarely have time to do anything other than mandatory obligations.
I have Sunday dinner at my parents’ house every weekend, but I rarely have time for my friends in a non-school setting.
My mom called last week and mentioned Ben was dating a girl, and they’re pretty serious.
It’s the first time I’ve gleaned facts about his life through another source. It was odd.
I ignored the familiar sting, but it made all the pieces fall into place.
The no contact. Not even so much as a text in weeks.
I’ve made other truly good friends, and it’s nice to have an adult circle of like-minded individuals to brighten the monotony.
A Harvard degree didn’t make me an adult.
Life did. And I’m so busy living it, sometimes I forget to enjoy it.
I’m in our office at home when Marcus drops into his chair across from me.
We’ve fit two desks and three bookshelves in here.
We’re the epitome of master’s students. We live and breathe school.
“We should do something fun this weekend, Harp. It’s been so long since we’ve done something for us. With friends.”
I nod, spinning in my swivel chair to face his side of the room.
“The workload is incredible. I moved here hoping to spend more time with family, and I might have to cancel Sunday dinner again this weekend. I have to grade those exams, and this paper is acting like a bogus clown. I can’t get it to behave. ”
“I saw the paper earlier today. You left it up on the laptop. It’s not bogus at all. It’s solid. Don’t worry so much. You’ve got this.” He clears his throat. “When’s the last time we’ve hung out with friends?”
I lay a palm on my forehead. “It’s been forever.”
“Let’s make dinner plans for this weekend.
Call Ben and see if he wants to come along.
Let’s let off some steam. What do you say?
” My first thought is that he’s crazy. The second is that I want nothing more than to relax for a few hours without thinking about anything taxing.
“Drinks and tacos. You can’t say no.” He’s making a rolling gesture with his arms, and I laugh at how goofy he looks.
“The fact that you’re the one proposing this says a lot about the dire need of a night off.” I’m usually the one begging off to do something fun. Marcus is all work and no play.
“Proposing, huh?” Marcus says, smiling that wide, beautiful smile. It’s malicious this time. Calculating. I’m not giving him something he wants, and I’m unsure how long I can hold out without causing an enormous rift.
I throw a wadded-up ball of paper at his head. “Stop. I don’t want to get into that conversation right now. Nor do I have the time.”
He holds up both hands. “Fine. Fine. Just thought I’d bring your Freudian slip to your attention.”
Marcus wants to get married. While I’m not opposed, because I honestly don’t know who the hell else would marry a person like me—a person enraptured with success and my career—I just can’t agree to it.
We’ve been together for years, and I know he’s getting pressure from his parents.
There’s something, and I’m not sure what, holding me back from pressing the gas pedal.
Most would tell me I’m being childish, but I’m stubborn enough to trust my gut.
I need more time. After my master’s I can slow down and marry Marcus.
I’ve told him that a half dozen times, but he shakes his head and tells me there will never be a perfect time.
Sort of like a robot, but with more feeling.
Shouldn’t there be, though? A perfect time? Shouldn’t something like a wedding day be perfect? Free of all encumbrances of a harried, busy life? Free of all notions of what’s supposed to happen and when it should happen? Love doesn’t happen organically twice. It’s an impossibility.
Marcus changes the subject to his brother’s impending visit.
In lieu of stressing about a family visit, I reply, “I’ll call Ben.
” I turn in my chair so I can hide my face and every emotion I don’t want him to see.
“If he’s away on a work trip, it can be a date.
Just you and me.” I hear him open a textbook, and I take his silence for what it truly is.
A promise to bring up the marriage thing again as soon as the time arises.
Maybe it doesn’t have to be perfect, maybe it just has to work.
Before I lose my nerve, I dial Ben. He picks up on the first ring.
“Harper. Fancy hearing your ring in my ears.”
His voice, after some time has passed, makes my heart race.
Graduation was a much-needed visit. We laughed and talked about the old days, and then it ended and he left to go do God knows what.
His face was stoic as he said goodbye, and my stomach filled with dread when I saw it.
We don’t talk about those things anymore.
They make our parents worried, and they make me plain, ol’ terrified.
Ben knows it. His life is a secret because it has to be, and because he’s sparing our feelings.
I realize how selfless an act it is. How difficult it must be to keep your entire life shrouded in a rose-colored cloth for the benefit of those you care about.
I laugh. “How are you doing? It’s been a while.
Can’t call a best friend on a more frequent basis?
” Even as I give him a hard time, I eye the stack of unfinished work on my desk.
I’m just as much to blame for the friend absence.
“I win, by the way. I called first.” My stomach falls when I realize my tone has changed completely and Marcus is listening to every joy tinged word fleeing my mouth. I swallow and try to compose myself.
Ben’s returning chuckle warms my stomach. “I’m good. Lots of trips. You caught me at home, though. You got your radar on me?”
Clearing my throat, and my nerves, I get it all out in a rush. “Want to go out to dinner with Marcus and me? Mom says you have a girlfriend now, so it could be a double date.”
“The timing is too good to be true. Sure. Where?”
My stomach sinks. I didn’t realize I wanted him to deny the girlfriend until right this second, when he doesn’t.
“It’s time you met Norah. Give her the official Harper stamp of approval.”
She has a place in his life, and she has a name. A pretty one.
We hash out the details, without consulting our significant others, and he ends the call with a cheery goodbye. I knew it would happen. I was surprised it took this long, but it truly wasn’t until I told him to move on that he did. Ben deserves happiness in whatever form he can find it in.
“We all set then?” Marcus growls from the other side of the room.
The consternation in his words pricks my whole body with unease.
Every once in a while, when he’s tired and worked to the bone, I see the side of Marcus I experienced right before I flew out to visit Ben.
Luckily, it’s not frequent, but when it happens, it does make me uncomfortable enough to smile at his grimace and leave the room and eventually the house with some lame excuse about needing coffee from a shop instead of a pot.
Brooding on his side of the room, I give him the details while focusing on the framed drawing of a park above his desk. He holds his pen up in the air to let me know I’m dismissed, and I leave the room quietly, respecting his need to get stuff finished.
I make my way out the back door and flop down in a chair on the patio, a stack of papers as my only company. Concentrating is hard. For the first time in my life, I feel something other than excitement and happiness at the prospect of seeing Ben.
I feel a swirl of anxious dread. Norah. I wonder what she looks like. I wonder if she’s seeing the smile that belongs to me. I wonder if Ben is finally in love.
Ben is gesturing wildly. “He turned around and said, ‘Don’t touch it unless you can fix it,’” he says, finishing some story he heard from his friends. “Not since before the dawn of time has anyone used an axe as a weapon,” Ben adds, shaking his head.
Everyone is rapt. Especially Norah. She watches Ben, chin resting on one hand, like he hung the moon.
I can’t look at her longer than a few seconds without feeling something akin to buyer’s remorse.
Marcus asks Ben lots of questions, and because Ben is so effervescent and malleable in any situation, he makes this whole thing seem as easy as walking down the street on a sunny day.
I sip my drink and smile. Marcus keeps his hand on my knee for a long time. When he finally takes it off when our appetizers arrive, there’s a sweaty, warm spot that reminds me of a swamp.
“Tell us about yourself, Norah. You’ve been so quiet,” Marcus says during a lull.
He’s irritating the hell out of me, but right now I could kiss him. Aside from a brief introduction in front of the hostess stand, I haven’t heard her speak. Ben wraps an arm around her chair, as if Marcus’s question reminded him she existed.
Norah grins at the subtle touch from Ben.
She loves him. It’s so obvious to me. I wonder if it’s obvious to a stranger.
I look at Marcus, but he’s staring at the couple with an air of indifference.
“I’m a veterinarian at an animal hospital down the street from Ben’s house.
” She’s smart and committed. And beautiful.
Expecting anything less wouldn’t have given Ben enough credit.
I can’t keep the rabid curiosity at bay. “How did you two meet?” I ask.
Ben looks wildly amused as he tilts his head toward my voice. He reads beneath the surface of my question, and I might as well be fully exposed—stripped of the skin that masks my insides.
Ben turns his focus to Norah. “Go ahead. Tell them,” he prompts, leaning in close to her face.