Chapter 11 #2
The rest of us mutter curses under our breaths. It isn’t an over-reaction. “Is he also the ex-boyfriend you didn’t want to see at Autumn Skies?” I ask, the thought suddenly occurring to me.
Ned nods, his expression grim. “We were together for eight months. He managed me the whole time. He tried to help me get off the ground but…” He shrugs, as if there’s nothing more to say.
Gavin frowns. “I don’t know, mate. I’ve played in a lot of bands with a lot of singers. The thought of someone as good as you not being able to gain traction, even with Zachariah Powell backing you up?” He shakes his head. “Sounds dodgy to me.”
“Either way, it ended badly, and I walked away with nothing,” Ned says in a rush. “I’m not about to sign up for more of the same.”
The pieces are starting to come together, and yet it still doesn’t make sense. This is Ned’s big secret? He got the opportunity to work with one of Australia’s most successful music managers, while dating the man, and it didn’t work out. Seriously? That’s it?
“It wouldn’t have to be the same,” I assure him. “Whatever happened between you two, it was clearly bad.” Granted, I imagined something more dire than getting dumped by his boyfriend, but heartbreak is a bitch. That, I do understand.
The tension radiating from Ned’s body cranks up a notch as he crosses his arms and gives a curt nod.
“Okay, so I get now why you’re wary of getting involved with another manager.
Zachariah Powell wouldn’t be the only bad egg and all.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t get good representation if we want it.
Right?” Gavin and Oz nod their heads in agreement.
“Working with Calum could be good for us.” His name alone fizzes on my tongue and I try to rein in my eagerness.
If Ned finds out what happened between me and Calum at the festival, he’ll shut me down so fast I’ll be in danger of losing body parts. “Or, you know, someone like him.”
Gavin’s nod grows more enthusiastic. “I agree. We could check him out first, and the company he’s working for, make sure they’re decent.
Charmaine can read over any agreements they want us to sign so we don’t get shafted.
Being married to a solicitor has its advantages. ” His face lifts in a smug grin.
“Exactly.” My pulse riots inside my body, and I can’t help the hope filling me. If it’s fear of getting screwed over that’s holding Ned back, surely we can help allay that fear. “We’ll be there to watch each other’s backs. You might not have had that before, but you have it now.”
Instead of responding to me, Ned turns to Oz. “What about you?” he snaps. “Are you itching to be a rock star, too?”
There’s a moment of hesitation, but then Oz nods. “It would be nice to feel like we’re building something, moving forwards. We’ve been stuck in the same place an awful long time.”
Yes. That’s it exactly. I don’t need to be famous. I just want to know there’s more to my life than a 9-to-5 job and going home to an empty bed. Apparently, Gavin and Oz are keen for more, too. All we need is for Ned to agree.
Putting my hand on his shoulder, I pull his focus to me. “Ned, I know this wasn’t the plan when you joined us, but there’s one detail we weren’t counting on back then.”
He barely lifts an eyebrow at me. “What is that?”
I let loose a wicked grin, the kind that usually provokes the equally wicked side of him.
When he’s not desperate to hide it. “The four of us together are so freaking good.” Gavin and Oz laugh behind me and I allow the sound to push me on.
“Seriously, man, we were a decent band before. But you, my friend, turned out to be the secret sauce.”
Ned shakes his head. “You never needed me. All you needed was a singer who could show up on time and not be wasted.”
I bark out a laugh. “I’ll admit it was a start.
It’s more than that, though, and you know it.
” I grab hold of his other shoulder, desperate for him to see us the way I do.
“We mesh on stage like a freaking dream and people respond to that. They know us. They love our music. The momentum is growing, and this is our chance to do something awesome, but we’re going to need help.
I reckon the sooner we accept it, the better off we’ll be. ”
Ned stares at me for a long moment, his eyes wide and wild. “You’re right.”
My heart threatens to burst through my ribs as hope spreads its wings and takes flight. I suck in a deep lungful of air. Hell yes, I’m right. We can do this. We can do it together and take care of each other. We’ll be okay.
“You should keep growing,” Ned continues, his voice breaking. “You always were a great band, and you’ll still be great after I’m gone.”
As quickly as it rose, my new-found hope goes into free fall, like a bird whose clipped wings are only discovered in the instant before it hits the ground.
The world contracts, snapping back into place against my skin.
I try to breathe, but the air is gone. I’m suffocating.
Whatever panic has Ned in its grip reaches out to take me, too.
As hard as he needs to disappear, I’m just as desperate to break free.
“What in the ever-living fuck are you talking about?” My voice is hoarse, my throat closed tight.
“Are you seriously threatening to quit on us? Now?”
“It’s not a threat. I don’t want to leave, but you’ve all worked so hard to get to this point and you shouldn’t stop now.
You deserve every success coming to you.
” Regret leaks out through his voice, and he stops to clear his throat before delivering the final blow. “But you’ll have to do it without me.”
All the frustration building inside me ruptures in a fury of adrenaline.
“That’s bull and you know it.” I’m yelling.
I don’t want to be yelling, but the words are vomiting out of me and I have no idea how to stop.
“You and I write the music together, Ned. Gavin and Oz finish what we start. That’s the way it works.
That’s why it works. Because the four of us, together, work.
None of us is expendable. You can’t just be replaced. ”
Of all the bands I’ve put together over the years, Fifth Circle is the only one that’s felt this solid.
Me, Ned, Gavin, and Oz. We’re a complete unit.
The past two years have been a revelation for my music.
Ned has told me he feels the same way. How can he throw it all away, after I’ve fought so hard to keep it together?
Tears burn the back of my eyes, and I force myself to walk away.
The anguish inside me pushes at my skin.
I can’t breathe. I need to get rid of it before I choke.
Gavin’s van is in front of me and I lash out, punching the side panel as hard as I can.
Pain reverberates through my fist and up my arm.
That’s a dumb arse thing for a guitarist to do.
“Whoa, Johnny.” Gavin closes in, putting himself between me and his van. “Settle down. We’ll sort this out.”
“I can’t lose the band, Gav,” I say in a low voice, my body trembling. “This is all I have. I can’t lose it. I’ll go crazy.”
“You won’t lose it, and neither will I,” Gavin insists, one hand on my back. “But you know shit like this isn’t going to help.”
Nodding, I squeeze my eyes shut and take a few deep breaths.
I’ve never been the kind of man who loses control and throws punches when I don’t get my way.
I’m the level-headed type, doing right by the people I love and not making a fuss.
It hasn’t always been fun, but at least I knew who I was. Right now, I barely recognise myself.
Looking up, I see the dent I’ve put into the side panel of Gavin’s van and groan aloud. “Sorry about your van. I’ll get it fixed.”
He snorts a laugh. “Yeah, you will, but first things first.” He gestures back to where Ned and Oz are talking.
I heave a sigh and nod. “Okay, let’s figure this out.”
We’ve barely taken a step when Ned backs away from us. “I’m sorry I can’t be the person you need me to be,” he says. “I won’t stand in your way, but I can’t go with you. I just can’t.” He heads for his car, slamming the door closed just as I call out.
I take off at a run, trying to reach him before he leaves, but there’s no chance. His tyres squeal as he pulls out onto the road and drives away.
Everything stops as I stand there in the middle of the driveway.
I should have been calmer. I should have taken the time to listen to Ned’s concerns.
Maybe I could have said something different, made him see reason.
He used to want this—exactly this. Once upon a time, being a musician was all he ever talked about.
When I see him on stage, I know how badly he wants to stay there.
I don’t understand why he’s so afraid of this.
I don’t understand why we’re losing him.
The shuffled footsteps of Gavin and Oz sound behind me. “Let’s give him some time,” Gavin says. “Call him tomorrow when he’s calmed down a bit. Yeah?”
I nod, unable to call up the motivation to reply.
Oz speaks next. “It’ll work out in the end, one way or the other.”
We say subdued goodbyes before the two men hop into Gavin’s van and drive away. I watch them out of sight before heading for my own car.
When I get home, I slump in a kitchen chair and stare at Calum’s crisp white business card. My thumb strokes back and forth over his name, feeling the edges of the subtle embossing.
For months, I’ve managed to keep the emptiness inside me in check.
I’ve been alone a long time now. I’ve gotten used to it.
But seeing him tonight, being near him, brought it all surging back to life.
The bite of loneliness. The yearning to touch and be touched.
I was a fool to think just any man could soothe the ache he created. I don’t want any man. I want him.
Unlocking my phone, I carefully add Calum as a contact. I should stop there, but I don’t.
I send him a text. My home address, with a simple J at the end.
If he wants me anywhere near as much as I want him, he’ll come.