Chapter 9
M y throat is dry when I wake up. Stumbling into the bathroom, I grab my sweatpants and throw them on, shivering when I feel they’re still a bit damp. I throw up my messy hair into a bun and go straight to the kitchen for a glass of water, chugging it until I’m satisfied. The few pieces of information I remember from yesterday explain the unfamiliar kitchen I’m standing in. Ugh, it wasn’t a nightmare, this is real life.
Where do I even go from here?
Maybe I should start by brushing my teeth and actually putting on underwear. Luckily, the pills on the counter remind me that I’ll need to toss those back with more water before doing anything else. Those eggs I saw in the fridge can be my breakfast, then I’ll start my day. Baby steps. My body still hurts, but not as badly as it did yesterday. The worst part about this whole thing is my stupid brain.
For example, this house is quiet, but I’m hearing someone shaking a door or something. I am looking right at my bedroom door, though.
Wait, am I hearing things?
My hunter’s knife is in my hand and I’m prowling towards my front door in a split second. Call me paranoid, but I would rather be prepared for the worst than wait around like a sitting duck if someone is out there. Just as I’m about to admit that it might’ve all been in my head, I see the front door knob start to turn slowly.
Aha.
Tucking myself behind the door, I wait in position to attack. Whoever it is should have had the decency to knock. I don’t even look at who it is, as soon as they move to close the door, I rush them with my knife on their neck, pushing with all my strength against the door.
“Are you flirting with me, little fox?”
An egotistical Kylo stands pinned to the door, recovering from his initial surprise.
The fight leaves my body and I shove myself off of him. “What are you doing here, Kylo? And why didn’t you knock?”
He pushes himself off the door and strolls to the center of the room. “I just came by to check on you. I didn’t see anyone inside through the window when I passed, so I let myself in,” he says casually.
“So, you peeked inside my window and then let yourself inside? That sounds dangerously close to a creep or…are you secretly in love with me or something? Don’t tell me you plan on holding me captive until I fall in love with you, because it won’t work.”
For a second, he stares blankly at me. He huffs a laugh, but it’s more mocking than serious.
“Not one part of me is designed to love, ” he makes air quotations with his fingers, “and if I were able to, you would be the last person I’d ever fall for.”
Kylo vexes me, yet I can’t help but notice that when he’s around all my mental turmoil disappears. Ignoring his jab because I certainly don’t want him either, I move on.
“Whatever you say. Anyway, since you are here, I need clothes and groceries at the very least if I’m going to be staying here. Also, how long am I supposed to be staying? I don’t even know if I have a job,” I rush out all at once.
“Woah, slow down. You don’t have a job anymore and I don’t know how long you’ll be here, yet.”
“I don’t even have a phone! And you should know how long this arrangement is going to last.”
“You are welcome to stay for as long as you’d like. At least until you can get back on your feet properly. Once you’re healthy we can worry about finding a job for you. In the meantime, I’ll take care of your necessities. Sound good?”
“I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I just need access to my stuff. Where is all my stuff? This can’t be it.”
His jaw ticks and it almost isn’t noticeable. “We will go get new stuff for you. I gotta run, we can finish this conversation next time I see you,” is all he responds with.
“I need answers, Kylo!” I shout at his retreating form. He doesn’t deign me with a response, walking out and shutting the door behind him. I groan and slam my fist into the door where I had him pinned not too long ago.
That man is infuriating. Whenever he comes around me, my pulse skyrockets and a little voice in my head chants, him! It’s him! But what about him? All that does is add more fury to my fire.
Why was he even here? I’m pretty sure I asked him, but I don’t remember if I did or what he would have answered.
I hate this. I hate him and the way he makes me feel. I hate the confusion. I hate all of it.
Am I going crazy? If I’m not, I have a feeling I will soon.
I close my eyes and breathe in deeply. I will not spiral. We will not spiral. I blow my breath out. I am okay. We are okay . Opening my eyes, the verdant landscape outside of the window grabs my full attention.
Maybe I’ll explore the grounds today, see what else is around here or how deep the forest goes.
A loud grumble from my stomach reminds me of what my plans were before I was rudely interrupted. It doesn’t take me long to whip up a quick breakfast and get ready to tackle the day. The kitchen clock reads eight thirty-two by the time I’m ready to walk out the door. I only hope the day goes by quickly.
As soon as I turn to walk around the guesthouse I’m occupying, I’m met with a large, black Doberman sitting on the corner of the house next to mine, watching me. He looks vicious, but that does nothing to stop me wanting to cuddle him—I’ve always wanted a dog.
“Hi there, sweet boy. What are you doing out here?” I ask, knowing I won’t get an answer. He stares at me with an almost bored expression, but since he doesn’t know who I am, I shouldn’t risk getting too close.
Steeling my spine, I turn the corner and my steps falter when I see at least a dozen men scattered across the two fields between the four houses. Some of them seem to be sparring while others seem to do basic training routines.
What the fuck is this?
Maybe one of them will talk to me. Then I’ll ask why they seem to be training for the damn military. With slow steps, I scan the faces that I’m able to see, trying to find the friendliest face possible. I would have better luck finding a needle in a haystack. Most of them seem standoffish and avoid eye contact when I pass by.
A low whistle sounds from close behind me. Suddenly there’s a tall, muscular man to my left. “Is the little lamb lost?” he coos.
“No.” I move to face him, noticing a malicious glint in his eyes. This guy doesn’t seem like someone who would give me any answers I’m looking for. “Just passing through.”
Don’t trust anyone . The phrase invades my head, sending goosebumps down my back despite the warm sun beaming on me.
Getting closer to me, he lowers his voice. “I didn’t know we could get a taste before the show.” He drags a finger up my arm, but before he even gets halfway, I step away.
“Nothing to taste here.”
The sweaty man openly leers at me and licks his lips. “If you think there’s something special about you because you’re here, there isn’t. So, you can give in like the slut you are or you can fight me.” His voice drops to a whisper. “If you fight me, I might enjoy it more.”
The open crudeness catches me way off guard. All the heat in my body rushes up to my neck and ears, my fists tightening on their own accord. I have half a mind to stab this pig to death right where he stands.
Who does he think he is?
This isn’t your territory. You don’t know where you are or what he’s capable of . That thought alone is what has me saying, “There isn’t a chance in hell for you to get your filthy hands on me.”
Whatever cocksure comment he was gonna make flies out the window when another shorter man calls from a distance. “Eli, are you coming to do the drop or not?”
“This isn’t over,” the man, Eli, says with a sinister smirk before stalking off after the guy who called him.
That’s enough socializing for one day, if you ask me. I waste no time in making my way back towards my front door. Tonight, I’ll have to barricade the door and sleep with my knife right next to me. I’m not taking any chances. That creep, Kylo, got inside pretty easily this morning.
The Doberman makes me stop walking, again, as he stares up at me. Looking around, I see nobody in the woods, but I don’t want any more overwhelming encounters. Directing my attention back to the dog, I ask, “I don’t suppose you want to keep me company, do you?”
If I didn’t know any better, I would say this dog understands me perfectly because he sighs and moves—for the first time since I’ve seen him—towards the woods. As I pass in front of the neighboring house toward mine, I notice the windows are the same. We probably have the same layout.
Is this Kylo’s house?
My attempts at peeking inside are useless—the curtains he has are so thick I can’t even see the silhouette of a chair. Even the dog appears to be growing impatient, so I follow behind him to a tree near the front of the woods that hides us while still letting us see the two back houses.
With my back against the tree and my legs out, I pet the dog who sits directly next to me with his paw on my thigh while I talk about anything and everything. He doesn’t seem to mind.
As nice as it feels to vent, it would be even nicer to hear something back. Advice or even just words of encouragement. I know I don’t belong here—the company makes that glaringly obvious. But where do I belong?
There is a part of me that feels like I have never belonged. How can I begin to figure any of that out if I don’t really know who I am?
A heavy paw shifting its weight off my leg drags me out of my thoughts, not that I remember how long I went quiet for. When the dog stands to his full height and perks his ears up, staring intently at an open space, I join him in scanning the area, alert. When Kylo comes into view, my shoulders relax a fraction.
From my spot, I watch him scan the area and then look right in my direction, but not quite at me. Stepping out at the same time the dog starts to walk to him, I catch the look of shock that sweeps over his face before he covers it up. His eyes bounce between the two of us suspiciously.
When I’m close enough to hear him, he says, “What did you do to Ace?”
I furrow my eyebrows and slow my stroll. “I didn’t do anything, he was keeping me company. He might be the only one around here who isn’t a surly asshole.”
Not once has he looked me in the eyes since I started talking. He turns away from me and addresses the dog, “Ace, you’re staying inside while I’m out.”
I haven’t said more than a handful of words to him and he already seems pissed off. I’m starting to think that’s just his permanent mood. If he’s taking away my only friend, then I don’t want to stay out here alone.
“Where are you going?”
“Somewhere you’re not.”
I take it back, I would rather be alone. Who taught him to walk away from people after saying what he has to say? What if I was trying to be nice? I probably wouldn’t want to go to the places he frequents, anyway.
Settling on taking a shower, since I need to hand wash my clothes again, I stay in my room in nothing but my towel. The air leaves my lungs for a second when I throw myself back on the bed, hand on my throat and eyes focused on the plain white ceiling.
When I’m alone the thoughts get louder and more confusing. It’s suffocating. I apply pressure on my throat after I breathe out, focusing on the pounding of my heartbeat until all the thoughts drown out and I let go to take a deep breath of air. I will not spiral. We will not spiral.
Controlling my breath is a habit I know I’ve had for a while. I think it started when I began getting really bad, period cramp pain. Whenever I’d hold my breath, the pain would go away. I applied this to more than just my cramps. I’m aware this is where my kink for erotic asphyxiation and hand necklaces come from, but it’s deeper than that.
When I'm in pain, my control over my breathing feels like having full control over my emotions and thoughts. It all washes away for that moment.
I’m about to repeat the process when a loud knock startles me, making me jump to my feet. Kylo said he was leaving, so who could that be? The encounter from earlier today flashed through my mind. Without second-guessing myself, I grab my knife and inch slowly out the room.
Great . I have no clothes on.
Another knock comes when I’m right by the door. I try to get a good look at who it is through the window without revealing myself, but I only see a portion of their side. They are short and appear to be wearing a…black dress? My curiosity has me showing my face in order to get a better look. The older woman barely smiles at me before I’m hiding again, though I’m not sure why, since she already saw me.
The unmistakable scent of smoked pork hits me as soon as I crack the door open. This woman must be a maid based on her outfit and the tray in hand.
“Hello,” she says with a forced smile on her face. She can’t be older than forty, though there are bags under her eyes that make her seem older.
“Hi, can I help you?” The tray in her hand is covered and I notice a plastic bag in her other hand.
“I’m here to serve your dinner, as requested. May I come in?”
I didn’t request any dinner…but my stomach would threaten me if I turned away a perfectly good meal.
“Oh, I can just take it. I don’t have any, um, clothes at the moment.” My face heats up as I mumble the words.
She wiggles the bag she’s holding in her hand. “I have something for that as well. It may not be a perfect fit, but it should get you through a day or two.” My confusion must be written all over my face because she grins and it’s more genuine. “The boss mentioned something about you not having any clothes.”
As she holds the bag out, I open the door wider and grab it, allowing her to come inside. After watching her move around the kitchen mechanically, setting up the plate for dinner, I go into the bathroom and change into an oversized shirt. It fits like a dress and my clothing options are limited, so I opt out of wearing any pants.
Who likes wearing pants, anyway?
By the time I come back out to the main area, it’s just me again. Just me and my lover—a hefty plate of pork, rice, bread, and roasted asparagus. Double-checking the lock on the door, I melt into my seat and savor every last bite.