Chapter Marian
Marian
Darkness. Heaviness. Men. Ego. Even in the void, I couldn’t let go of the nagging.
It was pulling me to the surface. Bringing me back to reality.
I didn’t want to return. I didn’t want to remember.
But I did. I should pretend. As Elec’s words and actions returned, I knew I should push the anger away and keep my mouth shut.
I couldn’t. A car accident? My future child?
The more clarity I experienced, the more I raged.
Their current conversation wasn’t helping.
Ego. Men. These men—all men. Anger. So much fury burned within me. Men…
“It was just like I feared. The guards know nothing more than the last time I asked.”
“What about Marian?”
“What about her? I told you. It’ll turn out exactly as I said. When she’s back at the hotel, I’ll work on the details with her even more.”
“There’s no way she’s going to buy that story. She’s not okay, Elec. Fuck. She’s not okay.”
“She’ll be fine. We can work with her. We can make her better.”
“I want her out of here now. Those guards said Bram and the Unavowed were on their way. That was an hour ago. There’s no way the meeting is lasting this long.”
“I don’t like this. I’m telling you; something feels wrong.”
“Because it is.” I opened my eyes, interrupting their conversation.
The men grew quiet, and I looked over, glaring towards them. Both looked surprised. Especially Elec.
“I told you to sleep.” Elec’s angry tone had me shaking my head.
He was questioning his skills. He should.
And me, I should have been afraid. He had power.
Especially in our circle and this darker part of our life.
He killed my mother. He was my mother… At least, in a way.
He was just as dangerous. No, he was more.
My mother could never put me under like that.
Not without some sort of help from drugs.
“I told you you couldn’t help me.” I took in his stoic expression. “It doesn’t work with me. I always come back. I always remember.”
“You want to forget. I can help you when we get to The Gardens.”
“Elec, you can’t. You’re good,” I admitted. “Better than her. But even this is beyond you.”
“It’s not.”
“It is. But it doesn’t have to be with others. Would you like to know what would make you great?”
Blue eyes narrowed, but Elec lowered back to sit on the edge of the bed to face me.
“I’m open to suggestions.”
“You had me at first because you pretended to care. Trust is the trick. I know you know that. It’s what forms the bond.
Thing is, I trust no one. I never will after her.
After this, I can’t. But take me out of the picture.
My mother used to say that ego was her biggest enemy.
You’re so good that you don’t even see it.
You choose pride over progress. Even listening to me try to help you, you’re defensive.
You can’t even help it. You’re the leader, the doctor, but you don’t lead, you dominate, trying to force your will into my mind.
Ego.” My voice softened. “What’s supposed to be happening between us is intimate.
Delicate, just like your craft. You’ve lost sight of that. ”
Elec’s lips parted and intrigue took over as I saw thoughts begin to consume him.
“You see, I’m not saying this because I’m mean or I’m some kind of enemy. I’d love nothing more than to be your victim. I’d love to forget. It’s truly impossible. My mind is broken. It’s been for as long as I can remember, and it’s only worse now.”
“There are ways. Scientific ways. I’ve perfected them. I can make you forget.”
I laughed, easing to sit and wincing through the pain.
“More medicine? More brainwashing? The foundation of your ego. I see it now. Where talent fails, science prevails, right?”
His face hardened.
“You have so much to learn, Elec. It seems you and my mother both lost your way. You’re disconnected.”
“Disconnected from people?”
“Humanity… Yourself.” I let out a deep breath, feeling fatigue roll back in.
I felt too tired to have this conversation.
I wanted to sleep. To fall back into the void where I felt safest. “My grandfather wrote a book. My mom used to read it once a year. That ended when I was in high school, but she once said how important it was to not lose touch with the roots of who she was. She meant her gifts in hypnosis, and I knew that. Greatness with what you do doesn’t come with force.
It comes with vulnerability—the opposite of ego.
Sure, you can continue, and you’ll be feared and amazing.
If you want to be better, do better. You should really read his book. I did, once.”
Elec blinked through my words. Before he could speak, the door opened.
Bram barged in, his face softening once he saw me, sitting.
“Sorry, the meeting didn’t go as planned. The Council is reevaluating.”
“Reevaluating what?” Drayton’s explosion sent true fear hammering within me. If they didn’t let me leave… If I had to stay…
I gagged, slamming my hand on my mouth. I couldn’t go back to the cell. I couldn’t stay here. My stomach flipped, but I forced myself from the bed, rushing for the dresser not feet away. Frantically, my hands moved over what looked like a woman’s brush, a comb, and a small handheld mirror.
“Marian?”
I ignored Drayton, grabbing the handle of the mirror and drawing my hand back. Glass shattered as I wielded my hand forward, right to the corner of the dresser.
“Marian.”
Footsteps approached, but I slammed the mirror on the top of the dresser’s surface, knocking the glass loose. Just as Drayton approached, I jerked out the piece, pointing it towards him.
“I’m not going back.”
“You’re not going back. I won’t leave without you.”
“Not you.” The glass was bouncing towards him as I tried to emphasize my words.
I moved it in Elec’s direction. “Not you.” I stopped on Bram Whitlock.
“You. You can’t let them keep me. What do I have to do?
What can I do to get out of here? Without them.
” I glanced towards Drayton and Elec but went back to Bram.
“I am no man’s surrogate. I’m not a science experiment or a fucking option.
I am Marian LaRoe. I am not my mother. I did nothing!
Ask Elec. Ask him. He knows. I am innocent, and I will no longer let my life be dictated by her or her crimes. ”
“I know you’re innocent. The Council has seen the footage from your parents’ home. Your mother kept the tapes like trophies. She drugged you. She forced you to accuse Drayton. We know, and soon everyone will too.”
A loud exhale left me, and I felt dizzy with relief.
“You know the truth?”
“We do.”
“Then… let me be free.”
“Marian, there are a lot of factors—”
“Fuck the factors, Bram. My life is worth more than these factors. I am a daughter of one of the circle’s founders.
Me. I know my worth, and I’m not just talking about my blood.
Whoever wins this stupid pissing contest will be rich beyond their wildest dreams. I’m not a fucking lottery ticket!
I’m not revenge,” I said, glaring at Drayton.
“I request you take my concerns to the rest of The Collective High Council. I have the right to the outcome of my fate. Fuck all of your opinions. I think I should be able to have a say for my goddamn self. After all, my innocence has been proven. That has to count for something.”
The men looked at each other. I was squeezing so tightly blood was dripping to the cement floor.
The drip-drip had my eyes rolling through the wave of lightheadedness.
I swayed, and Drayton swooped in, pulling the glass from my hand and holding to me as he moved me back to the bed.
He grabbed a cloth and gauze from the stack the doctor left behind, wrapping up my hand.
“You can request a meeting with The Council all you want, but you’re marrying me, Marian. I own you. They can’t take that away.”
“Actually.” Bram’s voice had both of us looking over at him. “We can. You’re not married yet. Until the day comes, we can change our minds.”
“You said they were reevaluating. Is that what’s happened? They’ve changed their minds?”
“Not yet. But they’re going over the requests again. With Marian being taken, and the damage and claims I reported, they want to make sure they’re not missing anything. I don’t see them changing their mind. But our vote was very close.”
“You voted on my fate?” I pushed Drayton back from me, in too much pain to sit on the bed. Standing wasn’t helping either. “Why must I be forced to marry? Shouldn’t I get to choose? I’m innocent!”
“You’ll choose me.”
Drayton was glaring, looking between the two of us.
“I’ll choose no one.”
“Enough. When The Unavowed receives the call, he will bring us in. We can discuss it more then. Marian, you may state your case to The Council.” He paused, his face softening the smallest amount.
“I don’t see them granting your wish. With your mother’s crimes, just speaking to them may do more harm than good.
I wouldn’t suggest it. They want you settled—”
“More like silenced!”
He nodded. “They will make you marry someone.”
“And it’ll be me.”
My gaze cut over to Drayton. “So you can make me pay? So you can spend a lifetime hating me? Why would I choose that life? I’d rather…” I stood straighter, tilting up my chin. “I’d rather marry Elec than you. At least he doesn’t want to hurt me.”
Elec made a sound, and he couldn’t hide the anger as he put his focus on me. “You’re wrong. After what I’ve been through with your mother, you have no idea how much I’d love to make you scream. I would hurt you. I may even kill you.”
“You wouldn’t kill me. We both hate my mother. It’d be a mutual torture. It might be interesting.”
“It would be disastrous.”
“You’re not marrying Elec,” Drayton ground out. “You’re marrying me.”
I moved my gaze back to Bram. “Who else is available?”
“Marian—"
I ignored Drayton. “Ethan O’Brien?”
“Married,” Elec supplied.
“Sebastian is dead…. Hale?”
Elec’s mouth opened. “Available but… not a good fit.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re marrying me.”
I rolled my eyes at Drayton.
“What about Anthony?”
“Addaway?” Drayton’s eyes bulged. “The church guy? The pastor or minister or whatever? He’s not even the heir. Are you serious?”
“Hmm.” Elec looked at Bram and they both shook their heads. “Not a good match.”
“Jesus! There has to be someone. What about Jake Princeton? He lost his wife, right?”
“Dead.” Elec’s face changed, and Bram’s lipped pulled back through what I could only assume was anger. “He remarried Bram’s half-sister before his death. Kayla’s pregnant with twins.”
“Oh.” My brow drew in. “Half-sister?” I didn’t push at the dismissive wave of Bram’s hand.
“I’m sorry to hear that. I will reach out to her once I get back.
Jake was wonderful from what I remember.
Very nice. A good family man.” My lids closed as I fought the rolling nausea that I couldn’t push away entirely.
Was I even debating this marriage bullshit?
“I didn’t know Braddock Pierce well but—”
“No.” Elec shook his head. “Absolutely not. He’s not safe. He’s… adjusting to mental trauma brought on by your mother.”
My head lowered, but I forced it back up. “Of course. They had money. They were once powerful.”
“Face it, you’re marrying me.”
“There are others I could choose from.”
“Not for you. You started as mine; you’ll end as mine. That is not up for debate.”
“Elec, please?”
His head shook, and I watched as he somehow calmed the caged animal he held inside.
“You’re a good match for me. The best match, honestly.
It would elevate my status, but… I won’t marry you.
It’s taking everything in me to even be cordial with you.
It’s not happening. I can’t. You wouldn’t survive. ”
“And you think I will with him?” I glared over to Drayton but continued to plead to Elec.
“You think you’ll kill me, but you won’t.
What we could have would be all business.
No feelings. Just roles. I’ll be the perfect wife in the eyes of the circle.
I’ll be the best mother to any children we have.
I’ll stay home and raise them until they’re in school, and once they are, I’ll go back to work.
They’ll see happy parents because that’s what we’ll be.
Strangers, for the most part, but friends.
It’s that easy. It would be perfect. Can you be my friend? ”
Drayton shifted. His breaths were heavy as he looked angrily between us.
“Your mother manipulated me into killing Vivia as part of my initiation. She raped me without my knowledge for years, Marian. Don’t you see?” He let out a loud growl, curling his fist as he almost looked to come towards me. “I won’t marry you. I can’t even barely fucking look at you.”
Time seemed to pause through the shock of his words. “Elec… I am so sorry. I—I’m sorry. I know how much you loved Vivia.”
“You’re going to marry Drayton. If you contest, they may favor keeping you here at The Order.”
Tears left me, and my head shook at Bram.
“I won’t. I can’t marry him. Not with our past. Not with how much resentment he has for me.
It’s a disaster waiting to happen. I don’t think I can—I can’t—” I climbed back to the bed, not able to stand anymore.
What I couldn’t do was think. “If I have to return to the circle and marry because of my mother, find me another match. Anyone but him.”