14. Mackenzie
There aremoments I seriously question my ability to make good choices, and now is one of them.
What if someone comes up to the table to speak to us? There’s no way I can talk.
Across the dining hall, I spot the twins who are part of the gang the others have referred to as the Vipers. Are they looking this way? Have they noticed? I’m grateful I haven’t spotted either Camile or Verity.
Jesus Christ, now Dom and Kirill have their fingers inside me at the same time. Tino sits opposite, the fork in his hand, watching my struggle with amusement. I want to throw my tray at him, but I’m not capable of doing anything much right now.
I can’t tell exactly how many fingers they have inside me, but between them, they’re stretching me. I slide down in my seat, my stomach, thigh, and ass muscles tight. My hips lift from the seat to meet their thrusts.
I look between them. They’re both watching me, but they exchange a glance, and that only turns me on more. Oh, fuck. I’m going to come here, right in front of everyone. Are others looking? How can they not have noticed what’s happening?
“Oh, God, please stop.”
I keep my begging as quiet as possible. I don’t know why I’m bothering. They’re not going to stop.
They work together, sliding in and out of me. One of them has his thumb on my clit, but I don’t know who. I can’t help it, I curl my spine and drop my chin, and give in to the pleasure. I reach out either side of me, grabbing Dom’s forearm with one hand and Kirill’s with the other.
“That’s right, Duchess,” Kirill encourages. “You hold on to us.”
My orgasm breaks, and I become oblivious to all the people around me as utter bliss shudders through me over and over. I’d swear I feel myself gushing around their fingers, soaking my panties and sweatpants. Oh, God, I hope I haven’t left a wet spot on the chair.
It’s too much. To raw. This level of degradation is not something I think I can sign up for. And this is only the beginning. I can tell from their faces that they think this is completely okay. I need space, and time to think. The idea of the professor being out there, alive, and most certainly coming after me, is terrifying. However, this is terrifying too.
They both slip their fingers from my soaking pussy and grin at each other as they make a show of licking them off.
“I don’t feel well,” I say.
I stand and push my chair back, shaking like a leaf. It’s not a lie, because what they’ve just done to me has made me feel faint. It was incredible, I can’t deny, but now that I’m coming down from the high, I’m beginning to panic.
“We’ll come with you, Duchess,” Dom says as he pushes his chair back.
“No.” I hold my hand up. He raises one perfect dark brow and stares at me. “I need to speak with my mother,” I say truthfully.
“Fine, but come and find us in the den as soon as you’ve done everything you need to do.” Dom holds my gaze, determination written all over his face.
It’s a command, not a request, and I nod numbly.
I walk through the dining room on legs as shaky as a newborn foal, managing to avoid the gazes of everybody staring my way. There’s no way people didn’t notice what just happened. They all watched me come. This is the most humiliating moment of my entire life. That’s saying a lot, because recently there have been many humiliating moments.
Even though on one level, it’s the last thing I want to do, I know I have to speak with my mother. We left things in a very bad place when I ran, and despite my ongoing anger at her, she doesn’t deserve that.
How can I judge her for the things she has done in life, when I keep making such terrible decisions myself? Would she be ashamed of me if she knew what I’d gotten myself into with these three men? Would she disown me? I truthfully don’t think she would. I think she would stand by me. In fact, I think my mother would stand by me no matter what I did. I could be imprisoned for killing the professor, and I know she would come every week and sit and talk with me, and still love me as much as she always has done.
Guilt hits me hard and fast, but it wars with the side of me that struggles to forgive her.
I try to tell myself everything she did was for me. I repaid her by swearing to cut her out of my life and then running away. I still hate Nataniele and can’t stand the idea of her with him. It’s her life, though. She’s with him for me, but even if she was with him for her own reasons, I have to accept that.
I’m not a child, I’m an adult, and being an adult means you start to see your parents as human beings, not simply existing for you. You have to understand that they have a life of their own. It might not always be a life that I approve of, but she’s still my mom.
Before I speak to her, though, I need five minutes alone in my room to consider the Devils’ proposal. I’ve just had a sample of what’s to come. I’d be a fool if I didn’t think their behavior will grow ever more daring. The degradation ever more shameful. The control spiraling to dangerous levels.
The most terrifying part of it is the weird, sick, hidden corner of myself that wants it.
I want them to tell me what to eat, and to feed me my food. Part of me felt like a queen when they were doing their depraved acts with me in the dining hall in front of all the other students. I’m not an idiot, and I don’t confuse sex and love. The Devils, though, I think they do. Or at least they are confusing sex and obsession. They don’t know where one begins and the other ends.
They might think they’re in control here, but they’re not.
None of us are.
It’s a weird dynamic and one I might be able to use to my advantage. I’m their Duchess, their special doll. Doesn’t that give me an odd sort of power?
As I reach my room, a thought occurs to me. Perhaps I can say yes to this indecent proposal of theirs, and still somehow retain a degree of control. After all, I’m beginning to get to know each of their weaknesses, and each of their desires. Could I use those things to manipulate them? It wouldn’t be out of the bounds of my talents to use their individual foibles in my favor.
I throw myself on the bed, kicking my door shut with a groan. Who am I kidding? I’m no master manipulator. If I were, I wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.
It’s a simple choice. A stark and terrifying choice. If I stay here, the Devils will not leave me alone. Even if I say no to their proposition, they’re hardly going to start ignoring me. They’ve made it quite clear that even Dom, with this strange half hatred, half desire for me, can’t let me go. I got on their radar, and I let myself get in too deep, and now I mean something to them.
I don’t think they love me, but they want to possess me, own me, and control me. They also want to protect me, and care for me in their strange, sick way.
They really do want to make me their perfect little doll. Is it wrong that there’s something strangely enticing about the idea to me? Yes, they might get their kicks from a dose of sexual degradation, but I can also imagine Tino combing my hair. Dom making sure I have everything I want. Kirill making me laugh when I’m sad, or fighting anyone who looks at me the wrong way.
The attention of the Devils is a double-edged sword. It is sharp and it’s deadly, but it’s also silver and beautiful. It catches the light and reflects it back into a million shards of temptation and danger.
The knock on my door makes me jump. “Who is it?” I ask.
“Darling, it’s me.”
I stiffen at the familiar, soft voice. That voice has meant so much to me over the years. Safety, first and foremost. Love, friendship, and now far too many complicated things for me to really understand. How can it be that a person can give you so much love but at the same time so much pain?
“Come in,” I say.
My mother walks into the room, and her pale, blotchy face makes me feel ashamed. Even like this, though, she’s still incredibly beautiful. I don’t think my mother will ever stop being beautiful. At least not to me.
“How are you feeling?” she asks. “Why did you go and run off? Are you okay?”
She peppers me with questions, and part of me wants to scream at her that I’m sure she already knows. I’m sure her precious Nataniele’s filled her in on everything. Looking at her, though, the anger, the flashes of hatred fade away. To my horror, tears prick my eyes, and I can’t control them. They start to roll down my cheeks, and I throw an arm over my face to hide them.
“Oh, darling, it’s okay.” She comes to me in the way she always has and pulls me into her arms.
Her scent is so familiar. She always felt like coming home. She still does in many ways, but there’s now a gap between us. A huge, yawning chasm that I don’t know if we can ever close. It breaks my heart. I want to try because I know I love her, and I don’t want anger and hatred between us. The safety I only ever felt with her, though, I’m starting to feel with three dangerous, frankly deranged, men.
“I’m okay, Mom.” My croaky voice mangles my words.
“You can’t run, darling.” She smooths her hand over my hair and kisses the top of my head. “I know you’re upset and angry. I don’t blame you, and I don’t want to talk about that. I’m not here to drag it all up. We will talk about it when you’re ready. And you can say whatever you want to me, and I will listen, and I will take it. What you can’t do is run away. It’s not safe.”
“How long did you know?” I ask.
“Know what?”
“Don’t play the innocent. Not now. Not after everything you’ve done.” I pull out of her embrace. “You can’t sit here holding me and stroking my hair and begin the lies all over again.” I shake my head. “When did you realize that he wasn’t dead?”
I don’t have to say his name. She knows I mean the professor.
“I didn’t find out for certain immediately.” She sighs and picks at a loose thread on her pants. “Nataniele sent some men over there to clean the apartment. To protect you.” She searches my face with a beseeching gaze.
“Go on,” I say.
“Obviously, they didn’t find a body, but Nataniele didn’t tell me for a couple of days. He was hoping his men could find the professor, and deal with it without worrying either of us. When he did eventually tell me what he knew, I didn’t want to tell you because we weren’t sure what had happened.”
“So you just let me carry on believing I’d murdered a man? Do you have any idea how much I’ve been struggling with that?”
“It wasn’t that easy. There were other people involved, and we didn’t want you to freak out and do something stupid.”
Like running away,I think.
She continues, “Nataniele’s men found some signs of a struggle and cleaned the place up. They reported back to him, and he tried to find out what he could. There were even questions around whether somebody else had moved the body. We really didn’t know. It only came to light that he was still alive when Nataniele found out from a friend he has on the police force that the professor was on CCTV footage.”
“I might not have run if you told me Paxton was still alive. It feels like you’re just lying to me over and over.”
“I didn’t want you to be scared,” she says. “In hindsight, it was a really stupid thing to do. I didn’t think you’d run. How could I know what would happen at the wedding and the subsequent events? I thought if you knew he was alive you’d be terrified. We’re safe here, so I didn’t think it mattered. There is no way he’s getting to you while you’re at Verona Falls. I swear to you. I know you don’t like Nataniele, and I understand that. However, the one thing he will do is protect what is his.” She wrings her hands, twisting them over and around one another. “That now includes you and me. The professor is out there, and we believe he wants to find you, but I swear you are safe here. It’s why we can’t leave.”
I stare down at the sheet covering my bed and scratch at it absentmindedly with my fingernail.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I might be better taking the risk out there. I almost killed him once, so if he did find me, who’s to say he’d get the upper hand?”
“Darling, you had the element of surprise. But don’t forget he tried to rape you. He’s not a good man. Nataniele has found out some things about your professor. I really don’t think he’s someone you should want to come across again in this life.”
My interest is piqued. “What things?”
“I don’t know, because he hasn’t told me. He said the less we know, the better.”
I snort at that. “Of course he did.” Like father, like son. Control freaks, the pair of them.
“So, basically, I’m not going to be safe for the rest of my life.” The words are quiet in the room, but they carry so much weight.
“Darling, of course you will. Nataniele and his men will find the professor, and he will regret the day he ever laid eyes on you. You know…” She sighs and blows out a long breath. “If you hadn’t lied to me in the first place, and had a secret affair behind my back, none of this would have happened. I get that you’re angry with me. I understand it completely. But we’ve both lied to one another, Mackenzie. It’s not only me who’s the liar in this room.”
My gaze flicks up to her, surprised. Up until now, she’s been nothing but conciliatory, but now I sense her patience is not never-ending.
“I love you. More than anything in this world, Mackenzie, I love you. Everything I have done has been for you. That’s not me putting pressure on you in any way. I don’t expect thanks and gratefulness, or for you to live the rest of your life in servitude to me for what I’ve chosen to do. I chose to do it. I’m an adult, and it was my choice. However, you don’t get to punish me for it either.”
She gives me a soft, sad smile. “You lied to me for a long time and snuck around behind my back. You did it with a man who was old enough, almost, to be your father. Now, we are in this place, and we’re trying to make the best of a very bad situation. We only have each other. That’s the truth of the matter. If you want to go on seeing me as the enemy, that’s fine. I’ll be here when you decide you want to be friends with me again. The only thing I’m forbidding you to do is run.” She takes a breath and swallows hard. “If you run, I will let Nataniele deal with you however he sees fit.”
Her words drop like a bomb.
My mouth falls open. “Oh, my God. Are you serious right now? You’ll let a man who is nothing to me deal with me? I’m an adult, you say, but now I can’t make my own choices?”
“You just can’t run. I’m doing this because I love you, Mackenzie.” She kisses the top of my head again and stands. She smooths down her pants and walks to the door. Turning to me one last time, she shakes her head. “I really hope we can start to put this behind us and become close again. I’m always here for you. I love you, and always will. However, you don’t get to run again, Mackenzie. Understood?”
I refuse to give her the satisfaction of my reply.
She leaves and closes the door quietly behind her.
It looks like I’m staying. And … if I’m staying, then I guess I have to say yes to the Devils’ depraved bargain. I can’t bear seeing them tonight, though. I’m too exhausted. I fire off a text to Dom saying I’m unwell. I tell him it isn’t serious but I must rest, and then I turn my phone off. I only have the burner now, since Valentino destroyed my other one.
Tomorrow, I will have to deal with them, but I just want a few more hours of peace until I do.