1. Amal
AMAL
Three Months Earlier
Sybil, Cassian’s stepmother, clears her throat. The priest checks his watch. Cassian does the same before shifting his gaze to the closed door of the church, smoke practically coming out of his ears.
“Severin will stand in for Jethro,” Sybil says to the priest. “We don’t have all day.” That last part is added to let Cassian know how she really feels about having to attend his son’s, her step-grandson’s, baptism.
Severin, Cassian’s stepbrother, opens his mouth to tell her he will do no such thing, but Cassian beats him to it.
“You have as long as I say you have,” Cassian tells her. Then, to the priest, “We’ll wait.”
“I have another ceremony—” the priest starts but one glance from Cassian and he shuts his mouth. Smart.
“He’ll be here,” Cassian repeats, his words final. I hear his muttered curse as Allegra whispers some reassurance to him.
Just then, the door crashes open and all heads turn as Jet walks into the church. When he sees all eyes on him, he stops, clears his throat.
“Ah, you’re all here,” he says as if he’s not the one who’s late.
He adjusts his tie and I see the cut, bruised skin of his knuckles.
His eyes meet mine, a deep forest green that never fails to make every hair on my body stand on end.
That seems to have a thousand butterflies taking flight in my stomach.
After a moment, Jet shifts his gaze to Cassian and gives an infinitesimal nod.
Cassian looks to the priest whose name I don’t remember. “Now you may begin,” he tells the older man.
Jet takes his place at my side, and my heartbeats quicken at his nearness. I smell the cool air of outside and beneath that, the scent of leather and man and violence.
The violence is new. At least to me. But I haven’t been around much the last few years.
The priest raises the crucifix he’s holding and makes the sign of the cross. “What name do you give your child?” he asks after a few minutes of prayer.
Allegra and Cassian answer together. “Seth.”
Seth. After Cassian’s brother who passed away four years ago.
Jet tickles baby Seth’s chin and the baby squirms, then settles. I see the smear of dried blood on the cuff of his shirt and shift my gaze up to his to find his eyes already on me. He gives me a wink and tugs the sleeve of his jacket down.
“What do you ask of God’s church for Seth?” the priest continues and Allegra and Cassian answer, but I tune it out. I stare at the tiny, squirming bundle in my arms as the priest smears sacred oil on his forehead making the sign of the cross.
Little Seth opens his eyes as water is dribbled over his head.
Hands ball into fists and he scrunches up his face, angry.
He draws a deep breath in, the scream building.
Just before it goes full blast, Allegra bends to whisper to him, soothing him in a way not dissimilar to how she soothes Cassian.
She kisses his cheek. He quiets instantly settling into sleep again.
Like father like son.
I look up at them, Cassian wrapping his arm around Allegra, hand curling possessively over her hip. They both watch their first-born with a kind of awe that is breathtaking. But it’s when they look at each other that the feeling turns to an ache, to a longing inside me.
I’m happy for my sister. Well, she’s not my sister, not by blood, but she’s the closest thing to it and even after everything that’s happened, she treats me like I’m her sister.
And I’m so happy for her having found Cassian.
So, the part of me that feels that ache is not jealousy or envy. It’s want.
I want someone to look at me like that.
I want someone to hold me like Cassian holds Allegra. Like he’ll never let her go no matter what.
Like she’s his entire world.
But that’s not in the cards for me. How can it be, considering who I am. What blood flows in my veins. What violence was committed to bring me into this world.
I swallow down the shame that rises in my throat.
Allegra lays her hand over Cassian’s, and I see another expression of that violence. Another thing Malek did.
My damage is on the inside. Allegra’s is right there for everyone to see.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath in forcing the thoughts down. Down. Down. But it’s only temporary.
Every time I look at her, I am reminded.
And sometimes, I see that I’m not the only one.
As if he heard my thoughts, as if he’s thinking exactly the same thing, when I open my eyes, I see Cassian’s are on me. Only after a moment does he turn back to the priest.
He knows it too. He knows I don’t deserve the place I have in his family. The one Allegra insists is mine.
Daniel, my little brother, squeezes between Jet and I and leans his head into my side.
He’s bored. The service was long not to mention the late start to the baptism.
Cassian wanted a full Mass. I don’t know why.
He never goes to church. I didn’t think he believed in God.
I mean, he lives in a church, as in he renovated an ancient church and made it into his home.
So maybe it’s not that he doesn’t believe in God so much as he thinks he is God.
I swear Cassian’s gaze darkens when he looks at Daniel and I place a protective hand on my brother’s shoulder.
Daniel is young now, but what happens when he gets older?
Will Cassian see him as a threat? An enemy?
I am a woman. In our world, I’m a pawn. Or maybe more of an obligation.
His albatross. Daniel is a boy. He’s safe for now.
But he will become a man. What happens to him then?
Jet clears his throat and rubs Daniel’s hair with that bruised hand. I wonder why he was late. What business was he taking care of before attending the baptism of his godson?
I look up at him, and my stomach does that thing it always does whether I’m thinking about him or he’s near. It’s an insane draw I’ve felt to the man ever since day one but alongside it there’s something else, something that’s built up over the last four years. Fear.
The man Jethro Blackstone has become scares me.
His forehead furrows as if he’s confused and I make myself turn my attention to the priest as he speaks the final blessing and declares Seth a son of God. Allegra takes her baby from me and I pull back, taking Daniel’s hand in mine to keep him close.
I look at them all, Cassian and Allegra cooing over their baby, Sybil looking sour, Severin dark, ever the enigma, the priest and the altar boys a little anxious.
I get that last one. Soldiers dot the church.
Jet crosses to whisper something to Cassian.
When both sets of eyes land on me, I know they’re talking about me.
I squeeze Daniel’s hand a little tighter.
Daniel and I don’t belong here.
“Well,” Sybil starts. “I’m glad you at least baptized him, considering.
” She doesn’t touch Seth and looks at him like she looks at the rest of us.
Like we’re something she stepped on that she can’t smear off her Jimmy Choos.
I’m not surprised. She’s kind of a bitch even to Jet and he’s her own son.
“People will be waiting. We’ve already kept them. ”
With that, she and Severin walk out of the church. Jet and Cassian step out of earshot, and I turn to Allegra who takes a seat in the last pew to feed little Seth.
“Want to drive over with us?” she asks, smiling to Daniel and me.
“I’m hungry. You promised McDonald’s,” Daniel says, tugging at my hand.
“We’ll meet you. I need to feed this little monster. You know how he gets when he’s hangry.” I muss Daniel’s hair to make sure he knows I’m just messing around.
Allegra chuckles and grabs her purse. “Here, take some cash. And get me a large order of fries please.”
“I have money, don’t worry,” I tell her.
I can afford McDonald’s and it’s embarrassing enough I have to accept an allowance from Cassian.
But he won’t let me work even though I’m in the final months of my last year of college.
The allowance is just enough to make sure I’m comfortable but doesn’t leave me a whole lot of options.
Although according to him, it’s for my own safety.
Daniel and I are ‘under his protection’.
For now, at least. But my time is running out, and Daniel’s will be soon enough.
“Go get our coats, kiddo,” I tell Daniel.
“Finally!” Daniel almost runs to get them.
Allegra studies me, reaching out a hand to take mine. “You okay?”
I look at the place where her small finger should be and somehow manage to smile like I don’t. Like everything is normal. “I’m good, just tired, I guess. This semester has been rough,” I lie.
“Last one. Then you can come home.” Her eyes search mine as she says it. “You and Daniel,” she says hopefully. “I miss having you close.”
“Me too. You’re going to be busy, though, Allegra.
” I tousle Seth’s dark hair of which he has a full head.
He’s going to look like Cassian. He’s even got his eyes.
It took them three years to get pregnant.
I know it wasn’t easy on either of them after everything that happened to have to deal with that on top of it all.
“And besides, I’m not sure Devil’s Peak is the place for us. ”
“You’re safe here. You know that.”
Daniel comes around the corner, his coat on, mine in his arms. “My stomach is literally eating itself. Can we go now?” he asks.
“Okay drama llama…” I faux roll my eyes but I’m grateful for him saving the day. “Let’s go.” I turn back to Allegra. “I’ll see you at the club,” I say, as she adjusts Seth to burp him. I lean down to give her a hug and kiss the top of his little head. He has that wonderful new baby smell.
As we walk toward the exit, I give an awkward little wave to Cassian and Jet.
Cassian orders a soldier to follow us.
“Not him,” Jet says. “Malcom.” He gives a jerk of his head signaling Malcom he’s on duty to babysit us.
I draw a tight breath in but force a smile. At least I can drive on my own. But Malcom tails us pretty much anywhere we go without the family.
“Hope you like McDonald’s,” I say with a sigh as we head out into the brisk afternoon.