41. Tino
Chapter 41
Tino
My head throbs.
Fuck me, it’s bad enough struggling with historic injuries, but the pain in my head from the fracture only adds to it. Still, it’s healing slowly, and I know full well that the time has come to cut the meds.
And yet, I haven’t. I’m not taking them at dangerous levels like before, but I should have stopped by now.
I turn to the wall and close my eyes. I’ve been spending hours in my room, in bed. I know I should get myself moving. I know I should be reducing the painkillers now. I know Mackenzie needs me.
The more I know these things, the worse I feel, and the more tempting the bottle of pills becomes.
It’s not purely for pain relief. I love the softened edges they bring. The way they make this too emotionally painful world all nice and fuzzy. The way they make me sleep, and sleep, and sleep .
I think I’ve lost weight. I know I’ve lost muscle mass. You can’t sit around in your room all day, sleeping and watching crap on a tablet, and maintain the physique of an athlete. I’d be worried about getting fat, except I’m not eating much either.
I kind of wish I could slip away. Some days, I want to disappear into nothing. I’m so fucking weak . Kirill lost his father, after the man went certifiably insane and kidnapped Mackenzie. Mackenzie lost her mother. Dom lost his own mother not that long ago, and now his father is grieving and a shell of himself.
Out of all of us, I’m the one who should be strong. I ought to be stepping up and carrying the others through these horrific times, but instead I’m the weakest of us all.
The self-loathing fuels the pills, which fuel the self-loathing, and around and around I go. Stuck on this hellish merry-go-round.
At night, I add a little bourbon into the mix, and the warm and fuzzies hit even harder. I need to stop. I’m on a dangerous path, and the last time I followed it, I ended up in the hospital. I could have died. I don’t understand why the fear of that happening again isn’t enough, but it simply isn’t. Some days, I feel as if there’s nothing worth stopping for other than Duchess, and she’s broken, too, now. She’s closed herself off from us, and I’ve barely seen her.
The bang at my door makes me jump.
I ignore it. Kirill texted me earlier, saying he wants to go get some things for Dom’s birthday and asking me to go with him. It’s the last thing I want to do. Who gives a fuck about birthdays? Nothing much matters anymore.
The knock comes again, and I sigh. “Fuck off, Kirill. I’m not in the mood.”
“It’s me,” a feminine voice calls through the wood.
My heart leaps.
Mackenzie.
I contemplate turning her away, too, but she sounds scared. Her voice is small and wavering.
My protective instincts kick in. My head thumps when I force myself from horizontal to vertical, but it’s not as bad as it was. Not bad enough for me to justify still taking the full amount of pain meds and washing them down with bourbon at night.
Mackenzie is pale when I open the door, and she’s clutching a pharmacy bag in her hand. Fuck, is something wrong with her?
“Can I come in?” she asks.
“Yeah, of course.”
She slips into the room and wraps me in a hug. I stiffen a little, not worthy of her affection when I’ve been so shit since her mother died.
Biting her lip, she eyes me warily. “Do you still love me, Tino?”
Her question hits me hard. “What? Of course. Jesus, Mackenzie, don’t ever doubt that.”
“Why are you avoiding us?”
I laugh and can’t help the bitter edge. “I think that goes both ways.”
Her lips tighten, and she flicks her gaze around the room, landing with unnerving focus on the pill bottle by my bed.
“How is your pain?” she asks.
My muscles tense, knowing she’s asking because of the meds. “It’s bad. Why?” I’m being defensive, but I can’t help it.
“Because I am worried about you,” she says softly.
“I’m fine. Focus on yourself.”
“That’s why I’m here. I’m scared, Tino. I was going to do this alone and then tell you all after, if I needed to, but I can’t. You’re the calmest. The one I trust the most to have my back with this. But … if you’re not feeling up to this ….”
“Are you sick?” I demand.
“No. Not sick, but um, I might … I might be pregnant.”
I stare at her as the shock hits me. Then it’s followed by the desire to laugh at myself and my stupidity. Why the shock? We all knew this might be in the cards. In many ways, we encouraged it. Played with fire.
Now I might be about to get burned because I’m in no place to be a good father.
“Oh, my God.” Mackenzie’s expression takes on a tinge of horror as her mouth falls open. “You don’t want this. You … shit.” She covers her face with her hand and shakes her head. “I made a mistake. I’m sorry I came to you, but you … Forget it. I can sort this out myself.”
Sort it out? What does she mean by that? Out of the fog of my self-pity, I get a grip and grab her arm as she tries to leave.
“No, Kenzie, don’t go. It’s not that at all, I’m just a bit screwed up, here, if I’m being honest.”
Her gaze flicks back to the nightstand. “The pills?”
“Yeah.” I clarify when I see the fear in her eyes get worse. “It’s not like before. I’m not taking more than the allowed amount, but I’ve not cut down yet either, and I’m scared when I try I won’t be able to.”
“You must, Tino. You can do it. For me … maybe for us. ”
She puts her hand on her stomach, and there’s a protectiveness in the gesture that stirs something deep inside me.
“What do you need?” I ask.
“Wait while I do the test here? I’m scared that if I am pregnant this baby will be cursed.”
“Cursed?” I stare at her in confusion. “Why would it be?”
“Because I am , Tino. I bring nothing but chaos and destruction everywhere I go.”
Tears build in her eyes, but she blinks them back. I take her hand and squeeze it.
“Kenzie, that’s not on you. It’s not your fault life got so screwy. It was the people around you who failed you.” I realize there and then that I cannot be another of those people, no matter how bad I feel. “And you bring something else, too. Love. We all love you.”
“You, too?”
“Absolutely, me too.”
She bites her lower lip. “I’m frightened because of my epilepsy. What if my meds affect how the baby develops? What if it means I won’t be able to be a good mom?”
“You’ll be an amazing mom, and we’ll make sure you have the best medical care, I swear it. Nothing will be too much.”
She draws a shaky breath and nods.
“Come on,” I say gently, “let’s do this test and find out if we’re going to be parents.”
Her fingers feel so small in mine as I lead her to the bathroom. I’ll never forget that, in this moment, she came to me, and I’ll do whatever the hell it is I need to in order to step up if this test is positive.