Chapter 4
Lara
I should've been searching through the footage I got last week at Howie Barbecue.
But Beck hadn't replied since his disgusting barrage of messages, and I wasn't sure when the credit card was used.
Everyone looked suspicious on the small security footage, and my mind kept drifting back to the look on Ray's face when he threatened the owner and got me a copy.
I guess the Donato name still held sway in some areas of Greenich Bay.
"Reply. Reply," I whispered, but the text chain between Beck and me remained sullenly silent.
I'd sent him a message after Ray dropped me off, asking him for an apology.
Not to the unknown number he insisted on messaging me from.
I used his actual number, hoping it annoyed him.
Whatever happened between us, I didn't deserve the vitriol of those messages.
The silence hurt more than the insults, and I'd heard nothing from him for almost a week.
"Give me that." Jonah walked from his kitchen and held out his hand. "We need to switch off from screens to relax our minds."
I locked my phone and passed it over, jamming my hands over my knees to keep them still.
"I'm here, totally present." Lie.
Jonah tucked my phone with his in a glass bowl and wandered over to the couch. He lit a stick of incense. Soft gray smoke curled to the ceiling as he took a seat opposite me, on one of his dark velvet cushions.
"I can't get used to this." I admitted, and his lip hooked up.
"What?"
"This." I waved my hands. "Does Adelaide really know about this side of you?"
Jonah let out a soft sigh. I almost didn't recognize him when I arrived.
He wore casual gray trousers and a tight-fitting midnight blue shirt that stretched over his chest. Turned out a splash of color made him look even more incredible than his usual black.
This apartment was like opening a jack-in-the-box.
Plants and crystals covered every available surface in Jonah's cramped apartment.
"She gave me this for my birthday last year." He pointed at a yellow crystal with jagged edges. "I don't talk about this at work, because I barely talk at work as it is. But there is a lot more to me than you know, Lara."
"I want to find out," I blurted, before I could stop myself.
"Get comfortable. Sit cross-legged or lie down, whatever makes you feel good."
I took his advice as the musky scent of sandalwood and mandarin wafted over me.
Lying down didn't relax me, so I tucked my legs underneath and tried to mirror what Jonah was doing.
It was surreal to be here. Jonah rented a one-bedroom apartment only ten minutes' walk from the beach.
His plush sofa had a knitted blanket thrown over the back.
Someone had made it with love, and now it took pride of place in his home.
He'd tossed a circle of cushions with crystals laid out on a silver platter. I thought I was at the wrong house when I noticed the spray of pot plants outside his door and a mat that said Welcome to the Jungle.
"A present from my neighbor," he insisted with a wince.
"It is very nature heavy in here." I grinned as Jonah slid the crystal tray closer.
"My neighbor Bernice loves plants. She keeps trying to make this apartment more inviting so I can find a lady for longer than a night. Pick one of these crystals. Go with your gut."
I stifled a smile at the absurdity of the situation. Adelaide's stoic guard had been hiding this side of him the entire time. I grazed my fingers over one I knew, amethyst. But I picked up a soft pink lump. The warmth of it in the palm of my hand comforted me.
"What's this one?"
"Put it in front of you. That's rose quartz. It's great to let go of the past. Forgiveness for yourself and attracting love. Now, you ready?"
I nodded, even though I didn't think I'd ever be ready to watch Jonah talk me through a guided meditation in his plant-filled apartment and personal collection of crystals. This was so outside of my comfort zone.
"Close your eyes. Imagine being bathed in cleansing light. Breathe out for four and breathe in for four."
My eyelid twitched, but I tried to do as he asked. Jonah's gruff voice counted my breaths, and I wished I could relax like he wanted me to. But the tension in my muscles was too deep to be dislodged by incense and breathing. No matter how hard I might want it.
"Bring your thoughts back. Focus on my voice. You're with me, nowhere else."
How did Jonah know I wasn't concentrating? But I couldn't stop the dark thoughts creeping in. My lungs turned to iron, and it was hard to fill them, even though I tried. Jonah was opening up to me. And all I could think about was my lies.
Who watches those in the shadows? It was supposed to be me.
"I feel sick." My eyes flew open.
I raced to Jonah's bathroom, clutched the rim in my hand, and dry heaved over the toilet bowl. There were plants here too, vines that made the small space smell fresh. I could barely keep myself alive, let alone a forest of plants.
"What do you need?" Jonah gathered my hair up and peered down at me with concern.
I didn't deserve any of the sweetness he was showing me.
I'm an impostor. You shouldn't trust me.
But Jonah didn't hear my screaming thoughts. He only gathered me into his arms and carried me over to the couch. I let him. Frozen with anxiety.
"Jonah."
He settled me on his lap and brushed my hair away from my neck.
"You're wound up about something. What?"
I searched for any sign of him probing beyond friendly concern. But there was nothing.
"I'm fine." I frowned.
"Lara, you almost threw up your breakfast. Sometimes when you meditate, it brings up emotions you're trying to suppress, and if I'm right, you got a little taste of something you're trying to hide."
I was trying to hide something, alright, and it almost spilled out. What was wrong with me? Nothing ever made me want to compromise my position with The Unseen.
"Maybe I'm nervous about being in your house." I whispered, and Jonah's thick eyebrows met.
"Do I make you feel uncomfortable?" he asked as his fingers sifted through my hair.
I wanted to scream the contrary. It unlocked something in me. My mom used to do it on the odd occasion she was sober. Plus, Jonah was staring right through me with a steel-gray gaze that promised to protect me. I never noticed how long his lashes were.
"No, that's not it. I'm just thinking about other women you might bring here."
Jonah's hands notched around my waist, and he moved me until I straddled him. Energy crackled down my spine. I wanted him to break me open and take his time with me. I wanted Jonah. The realization made my stomach flip.
"It's just you and me here."
I ran my hands along the wide expanse of his shoulders and leaned forward.
Seduction wasn't one of my specialties, but I had the training.
I could charm a target into capitulation, to help The Unseen get the result they wanted.
I'd been in this moment countless times.
Staring deep into someone's eyes but really focused on the pulse in their neck.
Waiting for the poison I gave them to kick in or an opening to do something more violent.
It didn't bother me.
My morals had eroded over the years of doing this work.
I'd joined The Unseen, so I would never be the person on the other side again.
With no skills to protect myself. I could tear apart someone's innermost world and not give a fuck when their blood painted my hands.
As long as it wasn't mine. But the lies between us made me pause.
"I don't think meditation is for me."
Jonah's lips quirked. "I said the same thing when I started learning. It's not fun to sit in your own thoughts, especially if they take you to a dark place. It can take you as far back as your childhood."
"Are you saying I have daddy issues?"
"You wouldn't be the first or the last. I didn't have a good relationship with my stepdad. It took a long time to get over."
"Is this really happening?" I whispered. "Is Jonah opening up to me?"
He arched an eyebrow, and a flutter rolled around my stomach.
"Have you had enough water today? What about sunshine? Those things can help."
I grimaced. "You make me sound like a plant."
"That right, Thorns? I always thought you had the edge of someone who survived, Lara. Tell me what's wrong. I'll fix it for you. Your parents were married for almost thirty years, right? Small-town girl with big-city dreams."
He was quoting my background check. The one The Unseen created for my false identity. My ribs tightened over my sharp heartbeat.
"Thorns?"
Jonah dragged his fingers down my arm. "You know why plants have thorns, don't you? They use them for defense. To keep everyone out."
"Sounds like you speak from experience."
He chuckled. "Takes being thorny to recognize it in someone else."
"Jonah—I—" I sucked in a heavy breath.
I want to protect you.
I want to kiss you.
There were a million things I could say, and none of them came out of my mouth.
He didn't press, banked heat in his gaze as he waited for my courage to bolster.
His hand curled around the back of my neck, and with wordless insistence, he pulled my lips to hover above his.
Heat pulsed between my legs as he waited for me to make the first move.
A knock on the door startled us both.
"You should get that."
Jonah clamped his hands on my waist and pursed his lips.
"Tell me what you were going to say first."
My heart slammed against my rib cage, and I shook my head, dashing off his grip. He stood with a frown and walked toward the door.
I furrowed my brow as Jonah's neighbor wandered in with a plant cradled in the crook of her arm.
Her wispy gray hair was brushed into a loose bun at her neck, tied with a bright yellow scrunchie.
Her eyes shrewd as she looked me over. I gave her a smile, and she returned it, her bright lipstick curving upward, lacking warmth.
She was impeccably dressed in a peach cardigan and long, pleated skirt.
"Bernice, right? It's nice to meet you."
"Sorry to interrupt your date, Jonah. The taps in my bathroom won't stop running, and I thought you might be able to help."
Jonah took the plant from her and huffed out a sigh.
"I told you those washers needed replacing a month ago, didn't I?"
"You were absolutely right, as always." Bernice ignored me, and heat flooded my cheeks.
"Can it wait an hour? I'd like to finish my date." Jonah's lips turned up on one side.
Date?
Bernice watched with pursed lips. I couldn't look Jonah in the face, knowing I'd almost kissed him. I was losing sight of everything, and it made me want to pray on a toilet rim again.
"Don't mind me. Neighborly duties come first," I said.
Jonah's face was a mask, but he went still as my words sank in.
"Let me get my tools." Was his voice gruffer than usual?
When Jonah's broad back disappeared, Bernice spoke again.
"He's a good man." Bernice's voice was a sharp whip over my shoulders. "You'd be lucky to date him."
My lungs filled with a heated exhale. What was this? Trial by little old lady?
"You care about him a lot, huh?"
Bernice rolled her eyes and opened Jonah's fridge, muttering at the sparse contents.
"Lara, right? Jonah has told me all about you."
"He has?" I squeaked.
The same Jonah who could barely spare two words to me?
Bernice flattened her lips and nodded. "You know that saying, still waters run deep. Well, they love deep too. Don't take it lightly, girlie."
I blanched, and my tongue tangled in my mouth.
Jonah deserved someone who could love him, not just lust after his magnificently thick thighs and chest. That person wasn't me.
I didn't even know who I was anymore, just pieces of patchwork collected from years of missions.
The thought caught me by the heels and lowered into the couch. Bernice's displeased huff followed.
If I was trying to win her favor, I failed.
"Okay, let's get you fixed up." Jonah returned with a scuffed silver toolbox.
Bernice took his elbow, and shot me another thinly veiled glare.
"You're such a darling. Did I tell you about the sweet girl from my knitting class? She brought a peanut butter slice I know you'd adore."
Damn. Was it written on my face that I couldn't cook?
"I'll be back soon," Jonah directed the words my way. "Wait for me."
Bernice clutched his arm with silent disapproval, and he aimed a soft look down at her. It would have been sweet if I wasn't the one she disliked so much.
"Sure." A feeling chased me, like fingers clutching my ankle.
Jonah had only been gone for five minutes when my phone rang. I answered the call with shaking fingers.
"Lara speaking."
"Oh, you sound sexy with your professional voice on."
"Raimondo?" My eyebrows crept up my forehead.
"The one and only, although I prefer Ray. Raimondo is what my papa calls me when I disappoint him."
"What does he call you when he's pleased with you?" I leaned against Jonah's couch, filling my lungs until they ached.
"I wouldn't know." Ray let out a breezy laugh, and I could imagine him with his head tilted back, perfect rows of white teeth and eyes twinkling with mirth. "I'm not calling about that, though. I'm calling in that favor you owe me."
"What do you want?" I could hear the hum of an engine and realized he was calling me from his car. "Am I on speaker?"
"Yes, I'm in my car, on my way to get you. I need you to accompany me to lunch."
"Right now? I'm in the middle of something."
"So? Cancel it." The pout was clear in Ray's tone. "You owe me, remember, and I'm calling in your debt."
A horn cut off the rest of his sentence, and he cursed.
"Fucking idiot. I wasn't even close to him," Ray muttered before repeating. "Tell me where you are, Lara."
What was I doing?
"I-I'm not at my house. I'll send you my location in a sec. See you soon." I rushed Ray off the phone and tucked it away.
Before I could choke on guilt, I left Jonah's apartment, ducked into the closest alleyway and sent Ray my location. An incoming call from Jonah filled the screen. I rejected it, knowing if I heard his rumbling voice, I might give in and go back. That wouldn't be fair to either of us.
Me: Something came up, another time?
Three dots stayed on the screen for a while before Jonah's reply came through.
Jonah: Yeah.
It was for the best. Jonah didn't need me complicating his life. He needed a nice girl to fill his fridge and enjoy those thick thighs and lips for hours.
I browsed through a gift store in case Ray asked me why I was there. I didn't want to talk about Jonah, and the sudoku book would be enough of a distraction if he pressed me. It wasn't long before Ray roared up in a Bentley with a purple stingray air freshener hanging from the mirror.
"You ready?" His smile was dangerous, in more ways than one.
Danger didn't frighten me. Going against my orders did, getting too involved in a world that wasn't mine did. But it was too late. My throat was tight.
"As I'll ever be." I replied as I stepped into the car.