Chapter 17
No one had told Juliet that her stolen time with Tobias would be one of aching. Oh, it was full of bliss as well.
Tobias made certain of that.
Whatever spare moments they had were spent in each other’s arms. She had learned things she’d had no idea existed. Even with her education!
They went through the days walking together. She sat with him whilst he printed out pamphlets, watching and admiring his every move and how his muscles worked as he twisted down the press.
It was quite a sight to behold.
They ate together, they read together, they debated together. It was a wonderful time, and her grandmother had come to stay too, though she’d chosen a room far away and was seldom to be seen.
Of course, her grandmother, the dowager duchess, had to do such a thing. She wondered at her mother and brother for leaving them so quietly, so undisturbed.
Had they truly blessed her with one chance at bliss before a dutiful life?
She hoped Hermia was well.
The letters seemed to suggest she was, and she was extremely happy to be with child.
Juliet was deeply grateful that all seemed well with her sister. She longed to see her, but as long as she was on the marriage mart, she was expected to be seen every day at balls and at parties. Much to her delight and surprise, Tobias went with her. As did, of course, her grandmama in order to ensure that no one thought Tobias was doing something he should not.
Which of course he was.
But this night, she felt a strange unease. She turned to him just as they were about to head out to one of the balls that she was supposed to attend.
Her grandmother had not yet descended.
Juliet stopped before the threshold. “Out of all the places that you could go tonight, where would you like to go?”
“We are going to a ball,” he said simply.
She shook her head. “If you could go anywhere and you weren’t required to go with me—”
“I’m not required,” he cut in with a smile. “Your brother has asked me to, and I enjoy your company.”
She scowled. “You are avoiding my question.”
His smile turned slow. “Don’t you know?” he queried.
She grinned at him. “I have an idea.”
“Well?” he prompted.
“The theater,” she said.
“Yes,” he replied. “Always the theater. It is my favorite place, after time at my printing press.”
She grinned. “Then let us go!”
“Truly?” he queried. “Won’t your grandmother have something to say about that?”
“I think my grandmother would love a night off and away from the ton. And I have an idea!”
“What?” he asked suspiciously.
She waggled her brows. “Let us go and watch it from backstage.”
He frowned. “Backstage? I don’t understand.”
Suddenly, she felt a wave of joy. Perhaps she could give him something unexpected. After all, he’d given her so much. “Well, if we go around the back, we can slip in and no one will see us. We can watch the play alone, quite secretly. My Aunt Stella will arrange it.”
He stilled and held his hand out to her. “Is that what you wish?” he asked. “A night off from being watched?”
“Oh yes. Very much indeed.”
“Then let us go.” His face warmed with anticipation.
She left a quick word with the footman for her grandmother, seized Tobias’s hand, then rushed out into the night.
They climbed into the coach and headed out towards London proper.
The roads were choked. They rode in companionable silence, entwined in each other’s arms. It felt so marvelous. They had fallen together with such ease, and that was part of the ache because she knew, at some point, she was going to have to let him go. She did not want to. She did not want to ever let him go, and yet she would have to choose.
She already should have done, but she felt if she did choose, she would have to say goodbye to Tobias, and she couldn’t bear it.
She couldn’t bear the idea of saying goodbye.
At last, the coach rolled up to the back entrance of Drury Lane.
He descended first to the muddy road and held his hand out to her. With a grin, she pulled her hood ups, then let him guide her carefully down.
She avoided the puddles, and they slipped into the busy rear door of the theater.
Easily and without question, for she had been coming here her whole life, she led him through the busy crush of people carrying props and costumes.
She lifted her fingers to her lips, telling him to be discreet, and they headed up to her aunt’s dressing room.
Eagerly, she knocked on the door.
“Come in. Come in,” her aunt trilled. “Before I bloody well get called onto stage.”
Given his love of theater, no doubt Tobias would be over the moon to meet her aunt. And so she did as Estella bid, and she crowed as she entered, “I have brought you an admirer.”
Estella was powdering her face. “Oh dear. Not before the performance! After, my dear! After.”
But then Estella turned and looked, carefully touching her crimson-rouged lips. Her eyes flared, made larger by the dark lines around her eyes that were meant to emphasize her gaze. “Ah, it is him! Isn’t it?”
Juliet frowned, hesitating for the first time. “What do you mean, Aunt?”
Estella propped her hands on her hips, her elaborate costume glimmering gold in the candlelight. “Your mother wrote to me that an American has been staying with you and that I might expect a visit because he’s quite fond of plays.”
“How do you do?” Tobias said. “The duchess is correct. I am quite fond of plays. As a matter of fact, I was coming to visit you not long ago—”
“And that’s when you met my niece in the hallway!” Estella enthused, her curled hair dancing.
“You know about that,” Juliet blurted.
Estella patted her on the shoulder. “Everyone in the family knows, my darling, that you two met in the theater. Your brother made sure this fellow knew they were onto him.”
Her mouth dried. “They did?”
She swung her gaze to him. “Did you know they knew?” she rasped.
His gaze grew serious as he sensed her change in tone. “I did know. They told me to…” His voice died off, and he looked deeply uncomfortable.
The world seemed to spin around her, and suddenly she felt as if all she knew was about to be ripped away from her. “Told you to do what?” she demanded.
“Oh, don’t take on so, dear girl,” her aunt soothed. “He was simply told that the two of you should enjoy each other and not worry about censure as long you kept yourselves discreet.” Estella pursed her lips. “I’m not entirely certain that’s working though. I’ve heard that he’s making quite a lovesick spectacle of himself for you in public.”
“What?” she gasped, her stomach tightening with horror. “That’s not true!”
Her aunt tsked. “It’s definitely the gossip at present. Not that you’ve done anything, but that—”
“Think about it, Juliet,” he gritted. “I did take you away from Lord Beamish.”
She squared her shoulders and countered, “You didn’t take me away from anything. I chose to dance with you.”
“Exactly,” Estella said. “It’s on everyone’s lips that you’re going to marry the American and not a stuffy old lord.” Estella clapped her hands together. “And frankly, I’m delighted.”
Estella turned back to her dressing table, took up a little bottle of perfume, and dotted the scent on her neck. “I must smell lovely for Mr. Rowland. I hate it when he eats onions. Hopefully, he will do me the same courtesy,” she said, gesturing with the perfume. “And I hope he makes sure to no longer go out for liver before performances. Imagine having to kiss a fellow like that!”
Tobias let out a pained laugh. “I can only imagine how difficult it is for you.”
She gaped at them both. How could they be speaking of anything but the utter travesty of her family. Of the lies. Of all of them misleading her.
He inclined his head to Estella. “Juliet is correct. I admire you very much and hope that you will come to the United States and give a performance.”
“I?” Estella said grandly, pressing her hand to her bosom. “Come to the United States? Surely, it is a backwater, my dear, whatever would I do there?”
“Be worshiped and adored,” he replied simply.
Estella drew in a pleased breath and glanced to Juliet. “I can see why you like him. He knows how to speak to a lady.”
Estella cocked her head to the side, which sent her paste jewel earrings dancing. “What an interesting idea. To go on tour across the Atlantic. It would certainly be an adventure, don’t you think so, Juliet?”
Juliet blinked, feeling as if she was utterly at sea. None of this was making sense. Her family knew that she had met Tobias in the hallway? How the blazes was that possible? And then her family had made it possible for the two of them to be alone, even desired it.
She suddenly felt managed.
She knew that’s what her mother did, even her brother, but they’d never tried to do that to her.
She swallowed and locked gazes with her aunt. “You are thinking of going then?”
Her aunt beamed. “Oh yes, and you should come!”
“You know that I can’t come,” Juliet said tightly. “This is my home.”
Estella stilled, her usually merry expression dampening. “Why?”
How could her aunt even ask? “Because I was born here—”
“And because you are tied down by tradition,” Estella cut in with a sad sigh. “You are mired in your ways and not like a Briarwood at all. I always thought that Hermia was the one to be different, but she’s not. It’s you.”
And with her hands folded before her, she closed her eyes and then snapped them open as she headed for the door. “Pardon me, my darlings. I must go side stage, but I shall have my dresser arrange for you to watch from where the sets fly in.”
Estella eyed them both as if she hoped they would not disappoint her. “It’s very exciting. Just do be careful. The ropes are quite dangerous.”
Estella paused, then crossed to Tobias, and her smile disappeared. “How I would dearly love for you to become family, but Juliet is extremely stubborn, and I’m beginning to doubt that she will come to her senses. Alas, alas, the day.”
And without another word, Estella sailed out of her own dressing room.
Silence lingered. Only the roar of the audience in the theater, waiting for the performance to begin, broke the silence.
Juliet’s heart thumped against her ribs and she felt like she could not think. Her mind was whirling with shock.
She turned to him. “I don’t understand what’s transpiring. How did my mother and brother know about us?”
His eyes searched her face, as if he had been brought before a judge and was waiting for his sentence to be read. “Someone told them about us and what we’d done in the hallway. Estella must know because your mother told her.”
“My mother knew we kissed?” she yelped.
His face grew grim. “Your brothers know too.”
She sucked in a horrified breath. Had she no secrets? No privacy? “They know about us?” Tears stung her eyes. “They all put us together. On purpose. None of this is chance?”
A muscle tightened in his jaw and he looked… He looked guilty. “I think they hope I will make you happy before you…”
Wasn’t that exactly what she had wanted? Had her family all but given him to her as a gift? The sensations that swept through her made her tremble with dismay. What had she done?
“Dear God,” she shuddered. “I sound so selfish. I’m using you terribly.”
That muscle in his jaw tightened again. “You are using me.”
“Tobias,” she whispered, her insides tightening. She felt like she was rushing toward a cliff, about to be driven off.
“It is the truth,” he said quietly. “You are using me. I suppose I’m using you too, but not quite the same way.”
She sucked in a shaking breath. “I didn’t think I was such a terrible person. But I… Oh heavens, I am.”
His face creased with sorrow, but he did not cross to her and take her into his arms to assure her all would be well. No, he held his ground and continued, “You are not a terrible person, Juliet. But this isn’t the life you want, is it? Affairs—”
“No,” she rushed, “but I couldn’t bear the idea of letting you go without being close to you. I had to know what it was like to be with you.”
“I felt the same,” he whispered. “And now that I know? I don’t want to let you go.” He stared at her for a long moment, and the silence was so intense that she feared she could reach out and grab it.
“Do you want to let me go?” he rasped.
Tears slipped down her cheeks, and she ground out, “I have to.”
“Why?” he demanded.
“Because you are an American,” she explained, her voice nearly breaking. “You’re going to go home, and I could never leave my family. And besides, I have to marry a—”
“Yes, I understand,” he growled, his eyes crackling. “You have to choose a title, but in the end, Juliet, surely that’s just because you’re afraid.”
He stood there, so big, so powerful in the dressing room, but his shoulders? They sank with defeat. With disappointment.
“I’m not afraid,” she snapped.
“You are,” he breathed as if he was finally seeing the truth. “You are afraid of being looked down upon by all of these ridiculous people.”
“They’re not ridiculous,” she gritted. “They’re important. They change the world—”
“I changed the world,” he gritted. “I fought in a bloody war and helped to change the course of history. You go to balls and you talk about changing the world.” He blew out a derisive breath. “At least your brother is doing something. What are you doing, Juliet?”
Her hands flexed and she dug her nails into her palms. She had to make him understand, to make him see! “I’m going to make a great marriage, and then no one will be able to say anything or hurt my mother. I will have power and I—”
“Your mother doesn’t care,” he stated.
“What about Perdita?” she said.
He looked away, shaking his head. “From what I can tell, Perdita doesn’t care either. All she cares about is her animals. She’s not interested in the ton at all. She doesn’t even listen to what anybody has to say in the house, let alone in a ballroom.”
Tobias swung his gaze back to her and now? Now his eyes flashed with pain and regret. “It is only you, Juliet, that—”
“Cease,” she cried out. “Please cease. You don’t know what it was like to listen to such people talk about my mother.”
Tobias stared at her, his mouth opening before he blinked, then barked with a dark laugh. “Don’t I?” he mocked. “Good God. You sound like a petulant child.”
Juliet drew herself up. “I do not.”
His eyes narrowed, and he took a step towards her before he leveled coldly, “My parents were jailed, Juliet. For treason against the United States of America. They were Royalists. Of course I know what it’s like to have people talk about you and your parents.”
She swallowed and suddenly felt very small and very petty. Her mother had always been proud of who she was. Why was she so ashamed? She didn’t know. And suddenly she loathed herself a little bit, and she lifted her chin. “Go on then. Say what you really think.”
“I think you’re lost and that you don’t know what you actually want,” he spat out. “So you cling to your dream. But I know what I want.”
“And what is that?” she demanded.
His brow furrowed, and he gazed at her with dismay. “Juliet, I want you. I want you in a way I’ve never wanted anything in my whole life. I know that we’ve known each other but a short time. But everyone seems to see it but you.”
His voice deepened, and his face was a mask of desperation as he tried to make her see. “I’m falling in love with you. You make me feel…”
But then he stopped. The desperation left his face.
“What?” she breathed.
“Whole,” he replied with a shrug. “You make me feel as if I belong somewhere. You make me feel at home.”
Home.
She closed her eyes. He couldn’t see it, but she could.
Juliet licked her lips. “Oh Tobias, that’s just you falling in love with my family. Everyone falls in love with them in the end. It’s not me you love.”
“Juliet—”
She whipped up her hand. “You think I’m shallow. You think I’m petty, and you think I only care about surface things. You said it yourself. So how could you love me?”
A look of horror crossed his face. “That’s not what I meant.”
She shook he head, her whole body feeling as if all hope had been burned from it. “It is. And you wouldn’t be the first to fall for the family. Hermia’s husband? He fell in love with the family too.”
She blinked her own tears away. She shoved the pain aside. She wanted to feel nothing. “But the earl? He actually loved her. I know what my family’s like. They make people feel important and loved, and I’m so glad.”
She smiled sadly, realizing that he was not wrong. She’d let him down. She’d let herself down.
“And I’m sorry that I have failed you, Tobias, by not living up to your standards.”
“Now, you cease,” he ground out. “Please.”
She gave him a pained smile even as her heart shatters. “I can’t. I can’t.”
“Juliet, I have seen you happier in this theater, speaking to your aunt, than I have at any ball. This is where you belong. Here with these people. With me. Not in a ballroom where you have to smile and wear a mask and pretend that you are someone you are not.”
“You think my aunt doesn’t wear a mask?” she challenged.
He gave the strangest of nods, as if he knew he had to give up. That the war was lost. “Not really. No. This place is who she is, and she loves it. She loves it to her core. You do not love the ton. And I hope to God you see it.”
And with his words, his despair, she knew that he would never look at her the same way again.
That? That was surely what she wanted. In the end.