Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
H ad this really been what I wanted? I’d asked for this? Hunted for his secrets and demanded answers?
Hearing them, I had no idea why.
Because his truth?
It fucking sucked.
When Kingston knelt in front of the stone, I knelt behind him, wanting to give him a moment but needing to be close. He bowed his head, and quiet minutes passed before he straightened and turned to face me. Shifting so our bodies were side by side, he took my hands.
“For years, Landon and I lived in a dark place and learned terrible secrets about the way our world worked. But through it all, whenever we felt lost or scared, it was each other’s hands we found in the dark.
Landon is, and always has been, my best friend.
The first person who showed me what it felt like to not be alone, who understood me, and who wanted me beside him for something more than who my family was.
Over time, denying that became impossible.
It was intangible, but the first thing in my life that was real .
Something that didn’t need words, but that was, somehow, still stronger than all this.
Until…I made a mistake I couldn’t take back, and when his mother tried to protect him, my father learned the truth. ”
My throat constricted as another thought occurred to me, but I waited to voice it.
“Landon doesn’t remember how or why, or when we became tied to each other, but he knows we are .
He made me promise not to tell him anything about the past, and I’ve kept that promise.
I’ve chosen to keep it. But with his memory gone, he doesn’t remember what we were…
not in here.” He tapped his temple, and my gaze fell to his chest right before he said, “Sometimes, like when he followed my plan for the Knights’ Quorum, I think it’s because he remembers here.
” And he touched his heart. “But I don’t know, and I can’t ask him. ”
“Kingston…” Words lodged in my throat as tears filled my eyes, and even though I didn’t want the answer, I had to ask. “Landon’s memory loss...?”
He swallowed hard and closed his eyes, as if steeling himself for what he was about to say. “That happened because I paid the price for showing the world who I?—”
But he shook his head and released a heavy breath, his head bowing under the weight of everything he carried.
“It’s okay…” Tears fell freely down my cheeks, and I buried my face in Kingston’s shirt, clutching tightly as I fought to catch my breath.
When I finally lifted my head, he swiped his thumb across my cheeks.
“I-I think he does remember. Whether he remembers all of it, on some level, he knows. He said it to me. He’s yours, too. ”
His features tightened. “But, deep down, I know he’s not. Not like he was. Not anymore. And that’s—” His voice broke before he lifted his chin and spoke again. “That’s why I had to say goodbye, so that whatever happens next, I could accept it and move forward.”
“But Kingston?—”
He held my face in his hands, his gaze fierce. “It’s alright, love. I promise.”
I didn’t know how long we knelt there, holding each other.
When he finally released me, he ran a hand through his hair. He stared between me and the tombstone before turning back to me, lifting his shoulders again, like he didn’t know if everything he’d shared was enough. But, again, it was all he had.
“Earlier, you said when you had to consider telling Landon the truth, you faced two problems. The threat of your father, and…Was the other how Landon will feel, or how he might respond, when his memories return?”
“Yes.”
“What are you afraid might happen to him?”
He closed his eyes, exhaling through his nose before rising to his feet. Holding out his hand to me, he waited for me to take it. Then he helped me stand.
With a final glance at the tombstone, Kingston led me out of the cemetery.
“For the last ten years, Landon has lived in the dark. The pain of what he lost when my father learned what he meant to me, it broke him. It nearly killed him, and I’ve feared that happening again, if his memories ever returned.
Losing him the way I have, holding onto the past while he doesn’t remember, it’s been nothing compared to the thought of losing him completely.
That almost happened once, and I—” He swallowed hard, like he couldn’t bear thinking about it.
“Because of that, I never tried to pull him from the dark. Now, I’m not even sure I could after what I witnessed him go through when he met and lost you. ”
“What do you mean?”
“Quinn, you pulled him from the dark, whether you realized it or not, that day in the pharmacy. One moment, and it was enough to let light back in, but with me…He’s been by my side for ten years, and it’s never happened.
I think it’s because in his mind, I’m tied to that pain.
Tied to the darkness. It hurts him to remember me.
Losing me saved him. But you? What you’re tied to in his mind—light, hope—it saved him.
That’s why losing you, even sensing the threat behind what I asked him to do, and knowing it was necessary… ”
“He couldn’t stand it.”
Kingston nodded. “I tried to prevent needing to take the route we did at the Knights’ Quorum, but in the end, it was the only way to protect you from my father. I hope you see that now, or at least, trust that it wasn’t a choice I made lightly.”
“I do see that.”
Relief eased some of the tension in his back, but it still lined his features. “The problem was that once it happened, the way Landon responded… I didn’t handle that as best as I could have. So, it caused more damage than good.”
He choked out a soft laugh, his eyes lifting to the sky as he shook his head.
“Considering that a year ago, I’d resigned myself to this life without the hope of changing anything, I expected more of myself.
I’d made peace with this being the way life had to be, because at least we’d both be here to live it.
But then, everything changed. Suddenly, there was hope.
An opportunity to do what I’d set out to do and more than I’d dreamed to achieve. ”
“What happened?”
“Your application landed on my desk, and you showed up at the Maiden Selection. And then, that night, he came into my office more worked up than I’d seen him in nearly a decade.
And I pieced together what he’d told me about the girl he’d met at the pharmacy, the one who’d triggered his first memory in a decade, and I knew?—”
“What?”
“I knew you’d be able to do what I couldn’t.
” His voice broke, and he bowed his head, fighting to collect himself before meeting my gaze.
“Quinn, please know…I’ve wanted that more than anything.
For him to stop living in the dark. But at the same time, knowing it couldn’t be me who did it, I couldn’t bear the thought of it.
Not once it actually became possible. Because either way, it meant… ”
“He was mine, too?”
Kingston shook his head, dropping his gaze again. “That I’d lost him.”
I touched his cheek, lifting his eyes to mine.
“But Kingston, you haven’t lost him. You won’t lose him.
Not because of me. I’m actively brainstorming ways to bring you all together.
The thought of you—any of you—wanting this for more than just me?
I want that. I don’t want you to see things between me and Landon as you losing him. ”
He smiled at me the way he usually did when I asked why me, and for the first time, I understood what he meant.
“Quinn, the truth is…I lost him a long time ago, and I’ve been holding onto who he was, doing everything in my power to stop this place.
First, because of what it stole from me.
From us . But then, the more I uncovered the truth, it became about so many other reasons.
And I believed—I still believe —with everything I am that you can do it. ”
I glanced back at the tombstone, shrinking in the distance behind us. And a question formed in my mind that I wasn’t sure I wanted an answer to. Which, of course, now meant I had to ask it.
“What you feel for me…” I met his gaze. “Is it just?—?”
“No, love.” He squeezed my hand, urging me to believe him.
“What I feel for you has nothing to do with what you mean to him. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t make me indescribably happy that you fell for each other, too.
But what I felt about you, and for you, came before Landon ever rushed into my office.
What I meant was that, when you pulled him from the dark, it was the first time I believed I could do what I set out to do and have Landon remember the past without the threat of losing him to it. ”
“What Landon lost…because of your father, who was it?”
“His mother.”
My mind jumped to the blank tombstone, horrified at the thought of Drake D’Arthur burying Landon’s mother in an unmarked grave, beside one marked with his.
“No,” Kingston rushed out. “No, she’s not there.”
I searched around the cemetery, scanning the tombstones as if I might find her.
But Kingston shook his head. “She’s not here, Quinn.
Landon’s mother is buried in a place where Landon can always see it, even if he doesn’t remember she’s there.
At least, not here.” He touched his temple again, and my gaze fell to his heart.
“If there’s a chance his heart remembers, my father wanted her grave to be where he’d see it, if ever he got too close to me. ”
“Fuck, Kingston.” I locked eyes with him, my mouth agape as shock coursed through me. “Seriously. The literal worst.”
“I know.” He nodded, taking my hand.
“Where is she?”
His hands trembled. “Pendragon Estate. As a reminder that, even though he has no rights to my home, he always has ways of hurting me there.”
“Oh my god…” My body shook as we stood there, halfway between the grave and leaving it behind, and I couldn’t understand how his father could be so cruel—what kind of monster did these things to his son—I only wished I could take Kingston’s pain away. “I’m so sorry.”
He brushed his hand across my cheek, staring into my eyes as I processed everything he’d told me. I covered his hand with mine, unsure if it shook because of me or him.
“Sometimes, I wish I’d found a way to do this without involving you. Without having to share these terrible things with you. But the more things play out, the more I believe you were meant to find us here.”
I nodded because I’d felt that, too.
“I’ve done everything I can to keep you safe, to get you to the end.
I became so focused on how to stay one step ahead.
Too focused. And I lost sight of why I needed to get there to begin with.
So much so that I tried to convince myself I’d sacrifice him.
Tell him this secret that might break him, if it meant making it to the end of this. But I couldn’t do even that because…”
He paused, staring off into the distance where the grave rested, before facing me. Words trapped behind his lips that he desperately wanted to say, but had conditioned himself to keep locked inside him.
Except I was there with him.
I understood.
And I released them first, hoping he’d know it was safe for him to do it, too.
“You love him, Kingston.”
He released a shuddering breath, a weight lifting from his shoulders as he lifted his eyes to mine.
“Quinn, I fell in love with him when we were just boys. Two frightened kids holding onto each other in the dark. Today, I said goodbye to who he was, but…” Blue-gray eyes shone with tears as he said, “No version of me exists, now or in the future, without the memory of loving him. My heart can’t forget it anymore than his can. ”
Sunlight peeked through the clouds, clearing shadows cast by the trees overhead. It fell on Kingston’s face as one single tear slipped down his cheek.
“Yes,” he whispered.
And then, finally, he spoke his truth.
“I love him. I’m still in love with him. And I always will be.”