Chapter 9 #2
Christ, I wish I was joking, Will thought, aware that he was in serious trouble.
He had never felt like this about anyone before in his life, never experienced this bizarre, heady cocktail of emotions that left him feeling scarily off-balance, at once happy and terrified.
He had no idea how it had happened or when it had started – he had been right in the middle of it before he knew what had hit him.
One thing he was sure of: he didn’t want to feel this way about Kate.
He wanted to go back to thinking of her as Lorcan’s little sister, someone he loved as a friend, but nothing more.
For starters he could stop this ridiculous flirting every time he was with her.
‘So, you and Owen!’ he exclaimed heartily – too heartily, he thought. He was trying desperately to sound casual – pleased, even. After all, that was the normal reaction to two people you liked getting together, wasn’t it? But it came out way too hail-fellow-well-met.
‘Do you like him?’ he asked hesitantly. God, he thought disgustedly, I sound like a bloody teenager.
Besides, what did it matter to him if she liked Owen or not?
Even though he was in love with her, it wasn’t as if he intended to do anything about it.
He was being ridiculous. What did he expect?
That she would always be there waiting for him if he should ever change his mind, ready to resume her teenage crush on him as soon as he clicked his fingers?
He would just have to get used to the idea of Kate being with someone else.
Why not Owen? At least he was better than that creep Brian.
Grace would be pleased. And it couldn’t possibly matter to him, he told himself firmly.
Still, he found himself waiting with bated breath for her answer.
‘Well, yes, of course I like him,’ Kate began. ‘He’s lovely, isn’t he?’
‘It’s just – I mean Owen can be a bit…’
God, he’s trying to warn me off, Kate thought, horrified. What happened to the light-hearted banter? A moment ago, Will had been flirting with her and now he looked all serious and awkward. Had he brought her here to give her a talking-to about Owen, like she was some troublesome groupie?
‘I mean he’s great,’ Will continued awkwardly, ‘but with girls he’s not exactly…’ He trailed off uneasily. ‘I just don’t want you to get hurt.’
‘Oh, don’t worry. It’s nothing serious, if that’s what you mean. I’m not expecting a proposal or anything,’ Kate joked.
‘I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.’
‘Last night was just the heat of the moment,’ Kate continued. ‘We’d both had too much to drink and got a bit carried away. It didn’t mean anything.’
It occurred to her that she could almost have been talking about her and Will… except that had meant something – at least, it had to her.
‘Honestly, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’m sorry if the way I carried on last night gave you the impression that you did. I don’t know what got into me,’ he said, for the umpteenth time.
‘I’m afraid I can’t say the same.’ Kate smiled wryly. ‘I know exactly what got into me – a shedload of alcohol.’
‘And the rest,’ Will said drily.
‘Well, yes, there was the hash cake too,’ Kate admitted, ‘but I wasn’t going to take that ecstasy.’
‘I’m glad to hear it – especially in your condition.’
‘Who needs ecstasy?’ Kate smiled wryly. ‘I’m a girl – I pretty much imagine I’m in love with anyone I have sex with as it is.
’ Suddenly remembering that she had had sex with him, Kate blushed.
‘Well, not everyone, obviously,’ she babbled, back-pedalling furiously.
‘Sometimes you have a one-night stand and that’s all it is – just fun.
I can have meaningless sex as easily as the next girl,’ she said, tossing her head airily in her best devil-may-care fashion.
They were both relieved when their conversation was interrupted by the arrival of the next course.
Kate seized on the opportunity to change the subject.
‘So,’ she said, rather wildly, determined to get in before Will could say anything, ‘have you thought any more about going to your father’s birthday party? ’
The moment the words were out of her mouth, she could have bitten out her tongue.
Will’s face registered surprise, but he didn’t seem angry.
‘Yes, I’ve thought about it,’ he said cautiously, forking Parmesan through his pasta. ‘I just haven’t decided yet.’ He opened his mouth as if to say something else, but stopped.
Kate had always tended to dismiss as wishful thinking her mother’s belief that Will longed to be reconciled with his father.
It would be typical of Grace to decide that was how Will felt because that was how she thought he ought to feel.
But now she wasn’t so sure. ‘What’s holding you back? ’ she probed gently.
He cast her a wary look and seemed to be deciding whether to answer or not. ‘I don’t want him to think—’ He broke off.
‘What?’ Kate coaxed. ‘You can tell me.’
‘I don’t want him to think I forgive him,’ he said, ‘because I don’t.’
She said nothing.
‘Aren’t you going to tell me it was all a long time ago?’
‘No. What has that got to do with anything?’
‘Most people seem to think there’s a statute of limitations on these things. Maybe they’re right.’ He sighed. ‘I suppose it’s not very attractive to bear a grudge for so long.’
‘You can’t help how you feel.’
‘I could say the words. I could say I forgive him, but the fact is, I don’t. I can’t. It would be like saying it’s okay – what he did… what happened to mum. And it’s not okay. It wasn’t okay then, and it hasn’t become okay just because time has passed.’
Will sat back. ‘And it would seem like such a betrayal,’ he added.
‘Of your mother,’ Kate said softly.
‘Yes.’
Kate noticed that Will’s eyes held that haunted look again. She wished she could soothe it away for ever. ‘But he’s your father, Will, and he’s a very clever man. I’m sure he’d understand all that. I think he’d just be happy to see you – on any terms.’
‘Maybe.’ Will was tired of being angry with his father and of keeping up the wall between them.
He might not be able to forgive him for the past, but he could stop punishing him for it, which was exhausting and futile, only serving to make him feel more lost and alone.
And he was tired of feeling alone. He wished Kate could be there with him when he went to see his father.
Pathetically, he wanted her to be there to hold his hand.
He wanted her gentle, soothing presence, her calm reassurance, her unconditional support and understanding.
Perhaps childishly, he felt that it would be easy if she was there – that she could somehow make everything okay.
By the time they got to dessert, it was late in the day and customers were drifting in for early dinner.
The food was delicious and Kate was thoroughly enjoying herself, delighted that Will wasn’t put off by her greed.
It was so much more fun than listening to Brian’s neurotic analysis of every morsel he put into his mouth and his nagging about what she put into hers.
Will enjoyed watching Kate eat with such gusto.
It made a welcome change from sitting opposite Tina while she shifted food around on her plate, expertly rearranging it so that it looked like she’d eaten something.
For some reason he had never been able to fathom, she liked to perpetuate the myth that she had the appetite of a horse and was given to pigging out regularly on junk food.
Apparently there was no kudos is being thin because you starved yourself.
‘I hope Maria didn’t mind doing the cooking,’ Kate said. She was still feeling a bit guilty about being out with Will, especially after last night.
‘No, she doesn’t. She’s very fond of you, you know. Anyway, you deserve a break. You haven’t had any time off since you’ve been here. I didn’t mean to be such a slave-driver. I just wasn’t thinking.’
‘Honestly, I don’t need a day off. The job is bliss. I’m enjoying myself so much it’s more like a holiday than work. I just wish there were more jobs like it.’
‘Any idea what you’ll do next?’
‘Not really. Of course, Conor thinks I should become a celebrity chef – get on TV and hit the big time.’
‘Of course,’ Will said. ‘He gave me a bollocking about the first single we released off the last album – said it was completely the wrong one.’
Kate laughed. ‘That’s Conor!’
‘Trouble is, he was right.’
‘That’s the annoying thing – he usually is.’
‘So maybe you should be a TV chef?’
‘No,’ Kate shook her head. ‘I couldn’t bear to be on television.
Besides, I hate that whole cooking-as-pornography thing – people sitting at home watching other people doing it on TV instead of doing it themselves.
Drooling over food magazines and cookbooks, but never setting foot in their kitchens. ’
‘I never thought of it in that way.’ Will laughed. ‘Any other ideas?’
‘Well, Brian wants me to be the cook in a retreat centre he wants to open.’
What a waste, Will thought.
‘Mum thinks I should get married to someone very important and cook fabulous dinner parties for his important friends and colleagues. Rachel thinks I should cook fabulous dinner parties for her husband’s important friends and colleagues, which she’ll then pretend she did herself.’
‘And what do you want to do?’
It was nice for a change to be asked what she wanted instead of being told what she should do by her bossy family. Everyone seemed to think they knew what was best for her. ‘What I would really love,’ she said, ‘is to have my own restaurant.’
‘Really?’ Will was surprised. ‘I thought you hated working in restaurants.’
‘Ah, but it would be different if it was my own.’
‘What sort of place would it be?’
‘Much like this, really,’ Kate waved her spoon to encompass their surroundings. ‘Laid back, unpretentious, with good home-style cooking.’
‘Sounds great. Tell me more.’