Chapter 11
Kate sat on the sofa wrapped in a duvet, watching dawn break over Dublin while she let the events of the previous night sink in.
It had all happened so fast. It was hard to believe that only last night Will had pulled her into his arms and asked her to take him to bed.
She could still feel his mouth on hers, his heart jumping beneath her hand, in the same way that she could still feel the motion of the plane.
The taste of him was still on her tongue, the impression of his hands on her body.
She felt like an amputee – as though Will was a physical part of her that had been lopped off by a cack-handed surgeon.
Tears fell down her cheeks again and she dabbed at her eyes gingerly with a sodden tissue.
They were already raw from crying and gritty from lack of sleep.
She heard Freddie’s bedroom door open and he padded softly into the living room behind her.
‘Hello, Miss Thing!’ he gasped. ‘What are you doing here? Got tired of the rock-chick lifestyle and decided to slum it with us plebs for a while? You should have told me you were coming, I’d have—’ He stopped short as he took in Kate’s puffy, red eyes and the confetti of crumpled tissues that surrounded her.
‘Oh my God! What happened, sweetie?’ He plonked down on the sofa and put an arm around her.
Kate had managed to stop crying, but Freddie’s sympathy brought a new lump to her throat.
‘Will’s father died,’ she said shakily, not knowing where to start.
‘Yeah, I saw it on the news.’ Freddie nodded. ‘You didn’t know him, though, did you?’ he asked.
‘No,’ Kate shook her head, ‘it’s not that. But Will was really upset, and… well, one thing led to another…’ She trailed off.
‘Oh my God, you shagged him!’ Freddie’s eyes were nearly popping out of his head.
‘No… Well, yes… more or less,’ Kate hedged. ‘And then Tina walked in.’
‘And she caught you shagging?’
‘Yes.’ Kate nodded miserably. ‘Well, not exactly shagging.’ She was plucking threads from a cushion absently.
‘What exactly?’
‘Well, I was sort of… I mean, I kind of… um, you know…’
‘Jesus! You’re starting to sound like Hugh Grant!’
Kate took a deep breath. ‘Okay. I was giving him a blow job,’ she said quickly.
‘What?’ Freddie’s voice cut like ice.
‘Well, his father had just died,’ Kate said defensively.
‘Right, okay.’ Freddie had apparently accepted this. But he couldn’t contain himself for long. ‘And you didn’t think maybe a nice cup of tea?’ he exploded.
‘I know, I know.’ Kate groaned, hugging the cushion to herself and burying her face in it. ‘God, how could I have been so stupid? I can’t believe I did that. He’s going to think I’m some kind of nut who goes around giving out blow jobs to the recently bereaved.’
‘Jesus!’ Freddie laughed. ‘I’ve heard of a sympathy fuck before, but this has got to be the first condolence blow job!’
Kate smiled weakly, peeping up from the cushion. ‘It’s not funny,’ she said, punching Freddie’s arm.
‘I beg to differ,’ he said archly. ‘But hang on – what are you doing here? I mean, I don’t think it was your best idea ever, but you’re not going to tell me he didn’t enjoy it. He’s a bloke. It was a blow job. Can’t go wrong, basically.’
‘He was enjoying it well enough until Tina turned up.’ Kate sniffed. ‘It was so awful, Freddie! The minute she appeared, he just pushed me away. He couldn’t get rid of me fast enough.’
Just then Freddie’s bedroom door opened again and Ken shuffled in, yawning, wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. His eyes half closed, he looked as if he was sleepwalking.
‘Kate!’ he said groggily. ‘This is a nice surprise. I didn’t know you were here.
’ He flopped onto the sofa beside her, put his feet on the coffee table and laid his head on her shoulder, snuggling into her neck with a contented sigh.
‘What are we talking about?’ he asked, closing his eyes against the sun streaming through the window.
‘Previously on Desperate Flatmates,’ Freddie said, doing his best American voiceover impression.
Kate shook her head almost imperceptibly at him, but Freddie ignored her. ‘Will’s girlfriend caught Kate giving him a blow job last night,’ he said before Kate could stop him.
That woke Ken up. He lifted his head from Kate’s shoulder and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. ‘Poor you! Do you want me to go?’ he asked, jerking a thumb in the direction of the door. ‘Leave you alone with Freddie?’
‘Oh no, you have to stay,’ Freddie told him. ‘Ken is great at this sort of thing,’ he informed Kate.
‘What do you mean, “this sort of thing”? Just how many cases of fellatio interruptus has he had to deal with?’
‘You’d be surprised,’ Ken said drily. ‘But, seriously, I’d be happy to help. So – take it from the top,’ he said, turning to face her and leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped, businesslike.
Another Mr Fix-It from the same stable as Conor, Kate thought, her heart sinking. Trust Helen to have ferreted him out. ‘Well,’ she began reluctantly, ‘Will had just found out that his father had died, and he was really upset—’
‘So you thought a blow job would be just the thing to cheer him up,’ Ken finished.
‘Well, not exactly. I mean, it’s not as if I said, “Sorry for your loss,” and dropped to my knees right away.’
‘Because that would have been inappropriate,’ Freddie said.
‘It just sort of happened,’ Kate continued, ignoring him. ‘It was more… organic. It just seemed… right somehow.’
‘Really?’ Freddie screwed up his face in disbelief.
‘Well, I didn’t want him, you know, worrying about me… you know, about…’ Kate struggled to explain. ‘It’s like risotto,’ she said finally.
‘Risotto?’ It was Ken’s turn to look bewildered. ‘Why risotto?’
‘It’s the ultimate comfort food. Think about it. It’s totally effortless to eat, the cook does all the work – you hardly even have to chew. It’s practically pre-digested, for Christ’s sake.’
‘Oh right.’ Ken nodded. ‘So you’re saying a blow job is the risotto of sex?’
‘Well… yes.’
‘Okay, so there you were, feeding Will his organic risotto. What happened then?’
‘Tina appeared and started screaming her head off. Will shoved me away, and the next thing I knew I was on my arse on the floor and Tina was going for me bald-headed.’
‘You were bitch-slapped by Tina?’ Freddie said excitedly. ‘God, I wish I’d been there.’
‘Hang on a sec.’ Ken made a halting gesture with his hands. ‘Back up. Where exactly were you when Tina came in?’
‘I was in the middle of… I was sort of, um…’ Kate faltered. Why did Ken have to have all the gory details anyway? she thought crossly. She tried again. ‘I was kind of—’
‘In prayer position?’ Freddie supplied.
‘Yes.’ She blushed.
‘Worshipping at the Altar of Dong?’ he elaborated gleefully.
‘Yes,’ Kate mumbled.
‘Okay, Freddie, I think we get the picture,’ Ken broke in. ‘So you were in the act when Tina came in screaming her head off?’
‘Yes. I heard her before I saw her. For a second I thought it was Will, you know… um, having a good time.’
‘Kate, Kate, Kate.’ Ken laughed, shaking his head. ‘Of course he pushed you away.’
‘Yes, but it was the way he did it. It was so… instinctive.’
‘Bet your arse it was! It’s called the survival instinct.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Kate, you had his dick in your mouth and you got a fright. The poor guy was probably afraid you were going to give him an oral castration.’
‘Oh!’ Kate breathed. ‘Do you really think that could have been it?’
‘Of course it was, you idiot!’ Freddie ruffled her hair affectionately. ‘I told you Ken was good at this sort of thing.’
‘Just promise me one thing, Kate,’ Ken said.
‘What’s that?’
‘That you’ll never go in for bereavement counselling.’
‘Yeah,’ Freddie said, ‘and when you go to greet the mourners at the end of a funeral, you shake their hand.’
‘Ha, ha, very funny.’ But she was so happy with this new slant on things that she didn’t mind them taking the piss.
Ken stood up, stretching extravagantly. ‘Look, I don’t know about anyone else, but I need some breakfast. I’ll go out for the croissants and you guys get the coffee on. Then we’ll put our heads together and figure out your next move,’ he said to Kate.
‘Okay,’ Kate jumped up, ‘and I’m going to make muffins too. I’m starving.’
* * *
Later, the coffee table laden with warm, freshly baked muffins, flaky croissants, several kinds of jam, a jug of orange juice and a pot of strong, fragrant coffee, Kate felt a lot brighter.
‘What’s your next move?’ Ken asked, licking jammy croissant crumbs off his thumb.
‘Well,’ Kate said consideringly, ‘I might eat my own weight in chocolate.’
‘That’s no good.’ Ken shook his head. ‘You’ve got to get back in there and consolidate your advantage.’
‘What advantage? I jumped Will when he was at a low ebb and got bitch-slapped by his girlfriend for my trouble. How do I improve on that?’
‘Don’t be so negative,’ Freddie said. ‘Ken’s right. You’ve got to get back in the game – let Will know there’s plenty more where that blow job came from.’
‘But what if he doesn’t want more?’
‘Why wouldn’t he?’ Ken asked. ‘Are you, like… not so hot at the old sword-swallowing?’
‘Please! It’s my best thing,’ Kate said indignantly.
Ken bit into a muffin. ‘God, Kate, these are your best thing. I take it all back. Stay here with us and cook our breakfast every morning.’
Kate smiled. ‘All I mean is, what if it was just the heat of the moment and he doesn’t really fancy me in the cold light of day?’
‘You didn’t give the poor guy a chance. You just pegged it out the door before he even had a chance to reholster his weapon, from what I can gather,’ Ken said.
‘And what about Tina? She’ll tear me to pieces if she ever sees me again.’
‘I’m sure you’ve got a few moves of your own.’ Ken offered.