Chapter 41
Emma
I know they say the body is majority water. But I know I am ninety percent gin. I can smell it seeping out of my pores.
I lay still. If I move I might vomit. I feel fragile, like if someone touches me I’ll lose my grasp on reality along with my lunch.
Or maybe it’s dinner? My hearing seems to be heightened.
I’m sure I just heard a fly speak. If it gets any louder…
vomit. Is someone cooking food? They better not come near me with it, if I smell cooked breakfast… definitely vomit.
Are you getting the picture yet? I don’t feel well.
“Wakey wakey. It’s nearly midday. Time for a shower.” Louise looks ready for action. And I can see Ollie behind her on the landing, likely praying he’s not needed.
“Where's the boys?” I croak out, looking as directly at Ollie as possible. I’m fairly certain there’s only one of him.
“Went to cricket first thing, with Cal. A taxi picked them all up from Grandad’s. He’s going in for the latter session this afternoon. Then they’re all going to Dad’s, so you’re safe for another day.” He’s shaking his head at me. I am an embarrassment. I know.
“Do they know about Jude?” I ask with a sigh in my voice. Oh God, they are not going to be happy.
He grimaces. “Yes. I rang and told Noah last night. I didn’t want them coming home full of hope.
Sorry if you wanted to do it, but I felt it better coming from me.
And I didn’t want to tell them today when they got to Dad’s.
Again, took an executive decision on it.
” He’s eyeing me up in case I vomit on him.
My stomach is roiling, and this time, it’s not from the gin.
“Were they upset?” I don’t know why I’m asking that. I know the answer will be yes. They wanted Jude home with us. And I have not been able to deliver on it.
Ollie’s face shuts down. Shit. It must be bad.
“Yes, but they have been all week. You just might get the silent treatment for a few days. They’ll come around. They know you tried, but Jude left for Ireland. They’ll be fine. Eventually.” His eyes are cast down. He’s as upset as them, but putting on a brave face.
I want to carry on sobbing. I’ve let my children down. I’ve let Jude down. And I’ve let myself down. I must get myself together and find a way to salvage this situation. I have to. I wave him off and get into the shower.
An hour later, I’m sat, looking like a normal human being, in my kitchen with Louise, avoiding food. Water is all I can stomach.
“Hey, love, are you up?” Mum enters the room and comes straight for a hug.
“Ollie told us what happened. He’s just popping to the shops with your dad.
It’ll be alright, Emma. You can speak to Jude in a few days.
Maybe arrange with Evie to go to LA. You need a holiday.
Dad and I will pay for the flights.” Mum is all positive, and I appreciate her optimism, even if it is misplaced.
“Mum, no. You do too much already. And you said you’d help with paying for the school fees. I’ve had the invoice for the first term. That comes first.” I point to the brown envelopes on the worktop. “I’ll just have to wait for Jude to come back and catch him then.”
Mum huffs, she’s not a patient woman. I can see she’s itching to get into action of some sort.
To distract herself, she picks up the letters from school.
Muttering under her breath, she rips them open with brute force.
She gives a little gasp, and her eyes go wide as she reads.
Oh God, is it more than she thought? Doesn’t she have enough money?
“He’s paid them.” She stands opened-mouthed, staring at the letters. “All of them.”
“Who has?” I go to take the letter from her but she holds it away, continuing to read.
“Jude. He’s paid the full fees for both boys.”
“For the whole term? I can’t believe he’s done that. I told him no.” I don’t know whether to be happy or sad he ignored me.
“No, not for the term. For years.”
I pull a face at her. “The full school year? For both boys?” I’m grasping for the letter.
“No, every year. Every year they are there. He’s covered the costs. He set up a trust for them.” She’s still reading from the page when I swipe the letter from her hand.
“No way. Why would he do that?” I can’t keep the horror from my voice. “I’m not a charity case.” I’m shaking my head reading the words. It’s true. He really has covered all costs for the rest of the boys’ school days.
“Not charity. Love,” states Louise. “He loves you. He loves them. And you need to pack it in with the charity case bit.” Louise is clearly fed up with me.
“You swing from one thing to the next. You want him back? Well, get over it. He has a lot of money. So what. It’s his cash.
He’s not a stupid man. If he wants to spend it on your kids, then that is his choice. So button it.”
Mum nods her head at me in defiance. She’s with Louise on this.
“If you had a lot of money, you’d want to spend it on Jude. So it’s no difference for him. Stop being offended, and, within reason, accept it with a smile.”
“This is a bit much.” I waft the letter at them both.
“Well, take it up with him when you see him. And not before,” Mum states with authority. “Don’t be ringing him and telling him off. Leave it for a sensible discussion, face-to-face. Whenever he’s back.”
“The good news I would take from this?” Louise points to the letters. “Someone who doesn’t love you doesn’t pay your kids’ school fees for life. Think about that, Emma.”
“Good point.” Mum is nodding sagely at Louise. “Time to celebrate. How about a drop of sherry.” As I open my mouth to protest my alcohol issues, Mum tuts at me. “Good to settle the stomach. In fact, let’s have a brandy.”
They hit the brandy. I stick to the water. We order a late lunch in, with Mum, Dad, and Louise staying with Ollie and me.
We’re sat out in the back garden, the weather warm, the heat of the day still making itself known. My phone is constantly lighting up, and I check the display. Nigel. I tut and turn it over. Not a chance I’m speaking to him.
“Nigel’s phoning me,” Dad says, looking at his phone. “Am I answering?” He’s pulling faces at his phone.
I shake my head. He ignores the call. Then Mum's phone starts to ring.
“He’s persistent. The most thick-skinned man I have ever met,” Dad says annoyed.
Dad curls his lip as Mum does the same to her phone.
“What if something is wrong with one of the boys?” Mum says worriedly, picking the phone back up.
When Ollie’s starts to ring, I roll my eyes. “It won’t be. He’ll be moaning about something. He does it every time they are there.”
Mum raises her eyebrow at me. “He does?”
I nod, realising how much he’s been controlling me for a long time.
“Dad. What’s up?” Ollie answers. “Who?” There’s a miniscule pause.
“Cal?” Ollie looks puzzled. “He’s not here.
” There’s a bit of a longer pause, then we hear Nigel starting to shout.
“Calm down. I’m not lying. Cal is not here.
” Ollie looks annoyed. “Yes, she’s here.
Wait a minute.” He mutes his phone, looking around at us all.
“Dad’s asking to speak to Cal. Said he’s here and doesn’t believe me that he's not. I know you don’t want to, but can you speak to him?
” He holds out the phone to me, and I take it with a sigh.
“Is he drunk again?” I take it off mute so he can hear me, and grin on the inside as I hear the noise he makes.
“I am not fucking drunk. Put Cal on. Now.” His tone is diabolical.
Dad swells, just about to give him hell.
“You’re on speaker. Change your tone or I will hang up.” I’m calm and considered. I need to start to deal with this man. Not let him push every button until he’s in control of my emotions and reactions.
“Can you please put Cal on the phone?” I can practically hear his jaw grinding together. As if the words are choking him, especially the ‘please’. “I need to talk to him about tomorrow and pick-ups.”
I look around at the assembled crowd in confusion. “He’s not here. Noah and Nat are at yours. Cal was with them. Has he gone with Philip somewhere?”
There’s deathly silence on the other end of the phone.
“They’re not fucking here.” His voice is tighter, a hint of panic in it now.
“Cal told me he was staying at yours. Going there straight from cricket. But they never got to cricket. The coach rang with times for the match in the week. Said Noah had rang and told him they were going out with your dad to a match elsewhere.”
I hear Dad suck in a breath. “That’s next week. Where the hell are they?” Dad shouts.
“Exactly. Where the fuck is my son,” Nigel shouts.
I glare at the phone. Never mind one son. Where are all three of them?
“You don’t just have one son, Nigel,” I hit back. “You should be worried about them all.”
“Yes, yes of course, that’s what I meant. I’m coming over there. If you’ve lost my kids…” The last bit is every bit a threat. He’s full-on shouting now.
“How could I have lost them? They left to come to your house. I’d arranged it with Amy. Why don’t you speak to your wife and we’ll see what’s happened to them.” I might sound convincing, but my legs are shaking and my hands won’t hold the phone. Where are my boys and Cal?
“We’re coming over.” And he hangs up.
We sit for a minute looking at each other. My voice small, I ask, “Do you think they’ve run away?” I look around at Mum, Dad, and Ollie. “Do you think they would? How upset was Noah about Jude?”
Ollie grimaces. “Very. Was shouting and bawling,” he admits.
“Would they have left a note?” I’m clutching at straws as tears start to fill my eyes. My boys have run off. They hate me. I’ve let them down. My heart is breaking.
Mum comes and pulls me up into a hug, holding me. I almost grumble at the love in the hug. I’m so grateful that they are here for me, now and always.