Chapter 32
32
‘Did you straighten things out with George?’ Rebecca asks as I walk into the sitting room that afternoon. Alasdair has gone back to London to get ready for his trip, and the events of the morning, plus a lack of sleep, have combined to make me feel dazed and sluggish. I have no idea how to begin to unpack what I’ve learned today. George is easy, but what the hell am I going to do about Alasdair?
‘Yes,’ I tell her wearily.
‘You don’t sound very pleased,’ Saffy observes. ‘I know you don’t have a lot of experience in this area, but it’s normal for people in the early stages of a relationship to be a bit more enthusiastic.’
‘I’m not in the early stages of a relationship. George and I aren’t together.’
‘Oh.’
‘Look, it turns out you were both right. He wouldn’t have been enough for me and, frankly, I’m not sure what I saw in him. Happy now?’
‘I don’t think it’s about making us happy,’ Rebecca says carefully. ‘Is it what you want?’
I plonk myself dejectedly down in one of the armchairs. ‘Yes.’
‘So what opened your eyes?’ Saffy asks.
‘I think I just realised that we weren’t compatible,’ I say after thinking for a moment. ‘He may be easy on the eye, but the watermill is literally the only thing we have in common, and that’s not really enough to build a relationship on.’ I close my eyes, pleased with my answer. If I can keep them off the scent of Alasdair and his revelations, I might just escape a full-on interrogation.
‘And what about Alasdair?’ Saffy asks.
Shit. So much for that then. ‘What about him?’ I ask as nonchalantly as I can.
‘Where does he fit into all of this?’
‘He doesn’t. He’s gone back to London.’
‘Shame,’ Rebecca says. ‘I liked him.’
‘You certainly kept him well hidden,’ Saffy observes.
‘He’s just a friend,’ I explain, trying to adopt the fierce tone I know will shut down further debate, but somehow unable to muster it.
‘Can I make an observation?’ Saffy asks me after a long silence.
‘Can I stop you?’
‘Probably not. Here’s the thing. You are my sister, and I love you more than you’ll ever know. You’re also one of the brightest people I’ve ever met. But, when it comes to your love life, you are a total, unmitigated fucking disaster. Even Rebecca is more switched on than you. She may have been shagging a married man who turned out to be a monster, but at least she found Ben.’
‘Hey, leave me out of this,’ Rebecca interjects. ‘Even if I do agree with you, Saffy.’
‘I mean it,’ Saffy continues, evidently warming to her theme. ‘For someone supposedly so intelligent, you are literally as thick as pigshit where love is concerned.’
‘Don’t hold back, will you?’ I tell her. ‘Go on, tell me what you really think.’
‘Oh, I will. Don’t you worry about that. Let’s start with the easy question, shall we? What, in the name of all that’s holy, were you doing mooning around after a cardboard cutout like George, when you had Alasdair in the wings all along?’
‘I’m sorry? Which bit of “he’s just a friend” did you not hear?’
‘Oh, I heard it, I just don’t believe it. I saw the way you looked at each other, the way you spoke to each other. There’s an easy intimacy there that goes way deeper than friendship. Plus, he’s patently nuts about you.’
‘What makes you say that?’ She’s alarmingly close to the truth, but there’s just enough lawyer left in me to know that you don’t crumble and reveal your hand just because someone has fired a single arrow in the right direction. It might just be a lucky fluke and the next one will go miles off target.
‘He was on your doorstep the first day he was allowed to contact you, and he’s had your back from the moment he arrived. That’s more than friendship. I don’t know what went on last night, and I don’t need to know, but if I’d accidentally spent the night with someone of the opposite sex who was purely a friend, I’d be a bit awkward about it the next morning, especially around my family. But not you. You and he were like an old married couple. Not quite finishing each other’s sentences, but even Phil remarked that you seemed very close.’
Not a lucky fluke then. I sigh. ‘Fine. He told me this morning that he’s in love with me.’
‘But that’s brilliant!’ Saffy exclaims. ‘He’s perfect for you.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because… Because lots of things, OK? He’s a friend, for starters.’
‘Tim is my best friend. He’s also my husband. So what?’
‘Plus he’s a lawyer.’
‘You used to be one of those.’
‘Exactly. Remember how I used to be? We’d never see each other. He belongs to my old life, the life I left behind.’
‘I’m not sure it’s that binary. What does it matter if he comes from your lawyer days? He loves you, and I think you probably feel more deeply for him than you admit to yourself. That’s a solid foundation to build on. The rest is just…’ She peters out and waves her hand expressively.
‘What?’ I ask.
‘Admin,’ Rebecca offers, evidently deciding to join in after all. ‘Yes, he might be away a lot, but that’s just life admin. You call each other when he’s away and you prioritise each other when he’s here. Saffy’s right. Don’t throw away a shot at happiness because of something as trivial as his work schedule. In fact, that makes you a really good match for him because, although it’s not your life any more, you do at least understand it.’
‘You two aren’t going to let this go, are you?’
‘No.’ Saffy’s tone is determined. ‘How did you leave things with him?’
‘He’s going to New York for two weeks with work. We’re going to talk when he gets back.’
‘Good. That gives us two weeks to make you see sense.’
The closer the train gets to London, the more nervous I feel. Saffy and Rebecca have been relentless over the last two weeks and, after countless hours picking over it, we’ve agreed that I should try to see Alasdair face to face rather than talking to him on the phone. The problem is, of course, that I don’t know where he’s going to be. I did contemplate trying to intercept him at the airport, and I even briefly entertained a fantasy where I ran into his arms like a scene from Love Actually , before I realised that I had no idea which flight he’d be on or even which airport it would come into. So I’ve decided to head for the Morton Lansdowne offices. I’ve planned a cock-and-bull story for the receptionist that will hopefully allow me to find out if he’s in the building. If he is, I’ll simply hang around until he appears. If he isn’t, then I’ll head for his flat. The Morton Lansdowne offices are a much more conducive place for waiting than the street where he lives and, if I’m lucky, I might even be able to wangle a free cup of coffee or two.
My heart is in my mouth as I approach the building that was my home for so many years. Despite it being the weekend, the place is as busy as ever and a constant stream of people are coming and going through the rotating doors. I can’t decide what I’m more nervous about; seeing someone who might recognise me or seeing Alasdair, so it takes me a moment to summon my courage and step inside. The low murmur of voices in the lobby, accompanied by the regular ping of the elevators, is both familiar and unsettling. ‘You don’t belong here any more,’ they seem to be saying, and I can feel my nerve failing me. I’m standing like a rabbit frozen in the headlights, trying to decide whether to press ahead or flee, when a familiar voice calls my name.
‘Thea! It is you,’ Janice says warmly, striding over and giving me a hug before holding me at arm’s length and openly appraising me. ‘You look well. Your new life patently suits you.’
‘Thanks, Janice,’ I tell her. ‘How are you?’
‘Oh, same old, same old,’ she tells me with a smile. ‘Junior partners keep me busy. You know how it is. What brings you here?’ She lowers her voice. ‘You haven’t come to ask for your job back, have you?’
‘No,’ I reassure her. ‘I was hoping to catch Alasdair, actually.’
‘Really?’ Her face lights up. ‘Come to your senses at last, have you?’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Oh, come on. This is me you’re talking to. Do you seriously think I didn’t spot the connection between you at John Curbishley’s funeral? Or that Alasdair seemed to have increasing numbers of ants in his pants the closer he got to the end of your contact embargo? I take it he did contact you?’
‘He did,’ I admit.
‘Thought so. And he’s been jittery for the last two weeks, so it was clear something was up. Frankly, it wasn’t difficult to work out that the something was you.’
‘Does anything ever get past you?’ I ask her in amazement.
‘I try very hard not to let it,’ she tells me with a smile. ‘I wouldn’t be very good at my job if I did. Now, what’s the plan?’
‘I don’t really have one. I was going to wait here for him to come down and intercept him.’
She laughs. ‘That’s a terrible plan! You really want to have a heart to heart with half of London eavesdropping? Come with me.’ She marches over to reception and, before I know it, I’m sporting a visitor pass and riding up to the sixth floor in the lift with her.
‘What if one of the senior partners sees me?’ I ask nervously.
‘Unlikely. Now, Alasdair’s in with Helen Armitage until twelve, but I’ll secrete you in his office. I’ll have to stay with you until he arrives, of course. Can’t have you rifling through his drawers.’
‘Haven’t you got other things to do besides babysit me? I don’t want to hold you up.’
‘I’ve always got plenty of things to do, but I can do some of them while I’m looking after you, and the others can wait. Have you thought about your wedding dress?’
‘I think that’s a bit premature, Janice!’
‘OK, well, speak to me before you do, that’s all. I’ve given commissions to a number of prominent designers over the years, so they owe me favours. Ah, here we are.’
The sixth floor hasn’t changed a bit since I was last here, but I’m surprised to note that Alasdair has taken over my old office.
‘He asked for it specifically,’ Janice confides. ‘Told the seniors some ridiculous story about feng shui and the trajectory of the sun. I don’t think they believed him for a minute, but they gave it to him anyway. Coffee?’
‘Yes, please.’
It’s over an hour later that Alasdair finally arrives. He doesn’t spot me straight away, so I have a few moments to watch him as he chats to Janice and, more importantly, observe my reaction to seeing him again. I’ve thought about little else other than him over the last two weeks and I was worried that reality might prove something of a let-down, but I can’t help smiling stupidly. He’s dishevelled after an overnight flight, his eyes are bleary and he’s got a dark growth of stubble, but none of that detracts from the joy of seeing him in the flesh.
‘Thea!’ he exclaims as he walks into his office and sees me. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I needed to see you,’ I tell him as I notice Janice discreetly shutting the door to give us privacy.
‘Are you OK?’
‘I don’t know yet.’
‘What’s up?’
‘You, Alasdair,’ I tell him, alarmed by the sudden wobble in my voice. ‘You’re up. I need to talk to you about the things you said before you went to New York.’
‘Oh.’ There are two chairs in front of the desk in his office. I’m sitting in one and he settles himself in the other. Our eyes meet, but neither of us speaks for a while.
‘I need you to say it,’ I tell him.
‘Say what?’
‘How you feel.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know. I’m scared, and maybe it will help.’
‘OK. I love you, Thea. I always have and I think I always will. Your turn.’
‘What?’
‘I told you how I feel. Now it’s your turn. That’s how this works.’
‘I don’t know,’ I say quietly. His expression barely changes, but I know it’s not what he was hoping to hear. ‘This is all new for me,’ I explain quickly. ‘But I want to love you. You deserve love, and I want to be the one to give it to you. I just don’t know if I can be enough for you.’
He leans forward and takes both my hands in his. ‘You’re already enough, Thea. You’ve always been enough.’
We sit there, immobile, for what feels like hours.
‘What happens now?’ I ask eventually.
‘What do you want to happen?’
‘I’m not coming back to London. You know that, right? My life is in Kent now.’
‘I know.’
‘And there’s your job to consider. I know what it’s like, remember.’
‘Yes.’
‘So? Come on. Tell me how this works. You’re never normally short of an opinion.’
‘I don’t know. I guess we figure it out as we go along. That’s what most people do, I believe.’
There’s another long pause before the next question pushes its way to the front of my head.
‘Would you really have come to my wedding dressed in a velvet suit if I’d asked you?’
‘Yes. It would have been incredibly painful to watch you marry someone else, but I would have done it. That’s what you do when you love someone.’
‘I’m not sure I would have done it, if our roles were reversed.’
‘You’re a shit friend,’ he says with a smile.
‘Yeah, I probably am,’ I agree. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘You don’t have anything to be sorry for, at least, not where I’m concerned.’
‘I disagree. I feel like I used you; I never spotted how you felt; I never had an alarm on my phone counting down the days. I was about to start seeing someone else, for God’s sake!’
There’s another long silence before Alasdair speaks.
‘Why don’t you tell me what’s going on in that incredible mind of yours?’ he says gently.
‘At the moment, I’m terrified, excited and worried.’
‘All at once? Sounds exhausting. What are you worried about?’
‘How we move forward. If we move forward. I’m committed in Kent, you’re never going to be around and you made it very clear when you came down that you hate the countryside.’
‘Ah, I might have a confession about that.’
‘Go on.’
‘I don’t hate the countryside at all. I admit I was grumpy when I first arrived, but that was mainly because it was so clear that you’d moved on and built this whole life that I wasn’t a part of. I had this fantasy where you’d missed me like I’ve missed you, and it pissed me off that you hadn’t. I think, if I’m really honest, I was a little bit jealous. Sorry.’
‘Really?’
‘So I’m not perfect. Sue me.’
‘OK, you don’t hate the country. I’m still never going to see you though, am I.’
‘Do you want to see me?’
‘Of course I do! But I’m scared, because I can’t do what you did. I can’t just have the bits of you that are left over. I want all of you, and I know I can’t have it.’
‘Says who?’ he asks, smiling at last. ‘Let me ask you this. Are you serious? Do you really want this?’
‘I do.’
His smile broadens into a beam that lights up the whole room. ‘Martin Osborne is really going to hate you.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’m going to have to tell him on Monday that Morton Lansdowne is losing another partner.’