18. Charlie
CHAPTER 18
CHARLIE
C harlie saw more patients alone and with his attending than he did with the other residents. If he was honest with himself, the reason was to make it easier to avoid Megan. Every time he saw her now, he felt a pinch in his gut, nausea, and a throbbing headache. Anxiety could do a real number on the body and the brain, Charlie knew. And one thing he couldn’t afford right now was to lose any cognitive function. In order to not hate himself for taking the fellowship from Megan, he had to believe, beyond a shadow of doubt, that he would have won it regardless.
“That rash appears to be hives,” he said to the mother of his most recent patient. “Your daughter has had a bad allergic reaction. We’re going to put her on IV diphenhydramine to relieve her symptoms quickly, before her respiratory symptoms worsen.”
“Doesn’t she need one of those pen things?” the mother asked. “My friend’s son is allergic to peanuts, and he always carries one.”
“Epinephrine isn’t right for this type of allergic reaction.” He took a page from Megan’s book, and reassured the mother. “She’s going to be okay, Mrs. Payne. She’s still breathing easy. But you may want to consider allergy testing in the future to prevent another attack.”
“Can I still go hiking?” the young girl asked.
“Of course you can.” Charlie smiled down at her. “Just don’t go rolling around in any plants until you know what you’re allergic to.”
He left the room feeling pretty good about his patient leaving happy and calm. Then he thought about Megan teaching him as much as she did about how to talk to children in distress, and he felt a rush of guilt all over again.
Dr. Ralter accosted him in the hall. “Dr. Sullivan. Can I take you to lunch? I have some excellent news to share.”
Charlie groaned. He already knew what the excellent news was, and to him it was far from excellent. “Sure. Let me get changed first.”
“Not a problem. Meet me at the bistro across the street.”
“Farina’s?”
“That’s the one.” Dr. Ralter was already on his way out when he added, “Best meatball sandwiches this side of Heaven.”
When Charlie passed Megan on his way to the locker room, she gave him the nastiest look she’d probably ever given anyone in her life. All he could do was look away and keep walking. He couldn’t begin to relax until he was outside the hospital and halfway to the bistro. He quickly found Dr. Ralter, already enjoying his meatball sandwich, and sat across from him.
“Didn’t know what you wanted or I would have ordered for you,” Dr. Ralter said, his mouth still half full. He dabbed at his lips with a napkin and sipped at what looked like a tall glass of iced tea.
“That’s okay,” Charlie said. “I don’t have much of an appetite.”
“Well, hopefully the news I have for you today will ease your stress a little.” Dr. Ralter grinned and lifted his glass. “I was going to wait until you had something to eat to toast you, but if you won’t even order until you know…” He paused for dramatic effect. “I got a call from Our Lady of Mercy this morning. Apparently, your application was so impressive, they don’t even need to interview the other candidates. You’ve got the fellowship.” He lifted his glass and drank to that.
Charlie frowned across the table at him.
“Don’t worry,” Dr. Ralter said. “It’s only tea.”
“I’m not worried about that,” Charlie said. He stopped himself before he was too tempted to admit to everything.
Dr. Ralter set down his glass. “What’s wrong? You should be elated. You got the fellowship.” Then he narrowed his eyes and cocked his head. “Unless this isn’t a surprise to you, Charlie. Is it?”
Charlie didn’t answer. He didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t want to admit to the truth either. Regardless, he didn’t have to. Dr. Ralter saw through everything. In fact, he actually looked a little like he was expecting this outcome.
“This isn’t a surprise to you, is it?” Dr. Ralter said with a sober expression.
Slowly, Charlie shook his head.
“Did your father have something to do with this?”
Charlie stared down at his napkin. “I asked him not to.”
“But he wouldn’t listen, and now you don’t want to give up the opportunity.” Dr. Ralter wasn’t even guessing anymore. He had to be some kind of seer.
He called over a server. “My friend here would like to order,” he said, smiling when Charlie scowled at him. “He doesn’t think he’s hungry, but he’s wrong. Bring him the most delicious item on the menu, can you? He needs to be in tip-top shape for the rest of the day.” When the server had gone, Dr. Ralter turned back to Charlie. “You’re aware that Megan has also applied for the fellowship?”
Again, Charlie nodded.
“Ah. It’s all coming together.”
“Or falling apart,” Charlie said.
“You need to tell her.”
That snapped Charlie out of his daze. He nearly spit out his water, he was so startled by the suggestion. “Absolutely not. Are you kidding? That’s the worst idea anybody’s ever had. She’ll hate me for the rest of her life.”
Dr. Ralter shrugged. “You think you can maintain a relationship without her finding out? I mean, assuming you do want to maintain your relationship. We’ve all seen the way you look at her, young man.”
Charlie shook his head with a sad smile. “Now you sound like my father. Look, Dr. Ralter, I’m not in the kind of place where I can just allow a relationship to affect my career like this. I like her. I really do. But I have to prioritize?—”
“Your patients.” Dr. Ralter finished for him. “You were going to say that, weren’t you? Well, let’s just pretend that you were.” He took a casual sip of his tea. “Let me give you a piece of life advice you’ll probably never get from a man like your father. And yes, I am familiar with him — I haven’t been living under a rock for the last twenty years. Charlie, taking care of yourself is taking care of your patients. Looking after the health of your relationships is looking after them. Physicians who are distracted by the messes they’ve made of their personal lives rarely give the best possible care. Don’t neglect your own mental health and assume it’s somehow in the best interest of your patients. It isn’t. I promise you.”
“So you’re saying…”
“I’m saying tell her the truth. At least tell her that she never had a chance, or she’ll always wonder whether there was something she could have done differently. She’ll second-guess herself for the rest of her life. I know how ambitious she is. She’s going to act like she doesn’t care, but it’ll be a lie. She’s going to be angry, but if I know her half as well as I think I do, she’ll understand why you can’t turn the position down.”
“And if you don’t know her at all?”
“I guess that’s a risk you’ll have to take. But isn’t it better than the alternative?”
“Which is?”
“Lying to her for the rest of your life.”
Later that evening, Dr. Ralter announced to all the residents that Charlie had gotten the fellowship. Charlie watched Megan’s face fall, and his heart actually broke for her. Before she could go hide in the locker room, he found her and laid a hand on her shoulder.
“Megan?” he said, and when she turned to see him, he could easily read the tears she was holding back. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Of course I am,” she answered with an obviously fake smile. “It was always a fifty-fifty shot, right? I just wasn’t the best candidate, that’s all. I just…” She bowed her head. “I just wish I’d gotten a chance to interview, you know? I don’t understand why they chose a resident before interviewing everyone. I was hoping my winning personality would cancel out any inadequacy.” She tried to laugh, but it was about as convincing as her smile. “I mean the best resident won, right? By a landslide, apparently. They didn’t even need to interview. My inadequacy shined through, even if only on paper.”
“You’re not inadequate,” Charlie said. “Listen. Let’s get a coffee, huh? We haven’t had much of a chance to talk, and I think we should. I know you’re sore, but you shouldn’t be. You’re more than qualified. It should have been you. I mean that.”
“Then…” She paused and glanced up at him. “Then why wasn’t it?”
Charlie sighed and hated himself a little. “Because the system isn’t fair. I doubt it ever has been. Come on. Let me buy you a coffee, and I’ll explain everything.”
They walked together to the closest café, a little place that looked like it would be more appropriate on the West Coast. It had a rustic interior, warm lighting, and paintings from local artists on the walls. Charlie hoped the coziness would soften the blow he was about to deal. He had decided to take his attending’s advice this time. The truth was weighing him down too much, and he couldn’t stand the idea that Megan might doubt her own abilities because of this — not when her abilities had absolutely nothing to do with it.
They sat down with their drinks, and Charlie was a little worried that Megan had chosen a hot drink rather than an iced one, knowing full well there was a less than zero percent chance she was going to throw it at him in a minute.
“Well,” she said, already fuming, “what is it you have to confess?”
Charlie got the impression she already had an idea what he was about to say, so he dove into the deep end. “My father… knows someone at Our Lady of Mercy, and he told me he pulled some strings.”
She clenched her teeth. “And you let him?”
He shook his head. “No. You can’t forbid my father to do anything he’s already decided to do. I tried to talk him out of it, but…” Honesty was going to be harder than he thought. He sucked it up and finished what he’d started. “I could have tried harder to stop him, and I didn’t. I feel terrible about it, but I didn’t feel I had much choice in the matter.”
“Did he have a gun to your head?” Megan said, her cheeks reddening in a rather concerning way.
“Not literally,” Charlie said. “But if you really knew what it was like to grow up in a family like mine?—”
“You mean one that hands me everything on a silver platter?”
This was going about as well as he had expected. “No… Well, yes, but what they take is every ounce of freedom and identity you might have built on your own. I’m not Charlie, don’t you see? I’m a Sullivan, and that’s all the matters. Nothing I do outside their plan for me amounts to anything. This is all I have.”
“So you’re telling me you’re a coward?” She was piercing with her words, and he supposed he deserved it.
He looked away from her as he answered with the truth. “Yes, that’s what I’m telling you.”