Chapter 14
14
Susie was nowhere to be found when I went back to my room to change and so I expected to spend the rest of the evening alone, and for some reason, I didn’t mind. It was somehow quite pleasant to choose solitude rather than having it forced upon me. I had a lot to think about.
The day had been so busy, so full of meeting people and making small talk, which could always be exhausting, and then the conversation with Paulo, which had set my thoughts racing.
I was a grown-up. I didn’t need a sidekick or partner or companion this evening. For once I felt comfortable in my own company. There was absolutely no reason why I shouldn’t have a quiet drink, perhaps just a small snack later on, because I was still full from the lunchtime meal. And then I could think about the day, remember the sights and sounds in peace. And try to think what to do next.
And so I changed into some more comfortable and forgiving clothes. Designer dresses were all very well, but they did mean one had to maintain perfect posture for the evening and not just prepare to slump in a chair in my room, mulling over what I had said. What he had said. How he had looked. The way he still made me feel.
I found a table in a delightful little nook on the terrace. The evening was still warm enough; there were even little pipistrelle bats swooping about in the still air above me. The little girl with the rope was still skipping. The hotel cat was still sleeping, this time curled up in a flowerpot. Perhaps I wouldn’t come back as a glamorous redhead next time; maybe I’d come back as a cat. They seemed to do pretty well.
Jess had sent me a picture of Violet at a nursery school trip to a local wildlife park and there was a text from Alex asking what the pin code was for my Netflix account, which I ignored.
I checked the weather app on my phone to see what it was like back home and saw to no great surprise that it was raining.
I gave an unexpected sigh of pleasure that I wasn’t there and relaxed a little.
A waiter appeared at my side. ‘May I bring your usual, madam?’
I had a usual ? I looked up at him rather blankly.
‘Pinot Grigio, madam?’
I agreed that would be lovely and sat back in my chair, feeling decidedly chic and cosmopolitan. Perhaps I should have had a cosmopolitan to celebrate the event? Maybe I was drinking too much?
No sooner had I taken the first sip of my wine than there was a bit of a commotion behind me and Ceci, Freddy, Lucia and Sylvia appeared, Sylvia leaning heavily on a stick and making a lot of fuss about the shallow steps down onto the terrace, until one of the waiters came and lent her a hand.
The sound of their conversation increased as they came closer, and they sat with me. Lucia and Sylvia had obviously been in the middle of a full-blown argument, I thought it was about their blood pressure, and I was sure their bickering wouldn’t have helped either of them. It was obvious my presence wasn’t going to stop them. I wondered why they sought each other out so much if they found the other so annoying.
‘I told you before, there is no pleasure greater than being with family. I saw so many members of my family here today, it warmed my heart. And I am sure it reduced my blood pressure. Great happiness can do that. And stroking a cat apparently,’ Ceci said.
‘Well, try stroking that cat then,’ Lucia said, jerking her head towards the tabby which was about to jump up onto a nearby table where there were some abandoned plates. ‘It will take your arm off.’
‘Cats always recognise a kindred spirit. And what a pity your son could not be here to accompany you,’ Ceci said.
Sylvia fussed a little with her turquoise pashmina.
‘ Sì , it would have been nice to have him here, but you have to understand my son’s time is not his own. He is essential for the smooth running of his department; well, for the whole European Commission actually. If they don’t employ the right people, no department can work at all.’
‘Even so, your dear son Roger is Paulo’s cousin,’ Lucia said silkily.
‘Ralph. His name is Ralph,’ Sylvia snapped, ‘as you very well know, after Ralph Waldo Emerson the famous poet. My late husband was a renowned expert?—’
‘Not after Ralph Lauren? No, of course not, not having seen that picture of him in those shorts. You don’t mind if we join you, do you?’ Ceci gave me a charming smile. ‘Freddy and I came out feeling in need of some pleasant company, but then we met Sylvia and Lucia in the hallway.’
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘Can I order you a drink?’
The waiter was already standing to attention by my side.
‘Holywell Malvern spring water,’ Sylvia said, casting an eye over my wine glass. ‘It’s what the late Queen of England used to drink. And I’m sure we have all had more than enough alcohol for one day.’
‘Yes, probably,’ Lucia said. ‘ Sembra molto arrossata . You’re very flushed.’
‘It’s the company,’ Sylvia said crossly.
‘I’ll have a gin and Dubonnet. I’m sure the Queen used to like that too,’ Ceci said sweetly.
‘ Anche io – me too,’ Lucia said. ‘Don’t worry about me, my liver is younger than yours and can cope with it.’
‘And my husband will have…’
Ceci stopped to look at Freddy with a questioning eyebrow and he checked his glucose levels on his iPhone.
‘Whiskey,’ he said with a smile. ‘I have a feeling I’m going to need it.’
Ceci sat back in her chair and sighed. ‘Now then, che giornata deliziosa – what a lovely day we have had. Everything so well organised by my son. You see, Sylvia, the world doesn’t just need bureaucrats.’
Sylvia nodded. ‘No, that’s true. Inn keepers are important too.’
‘I’m sure César Ritz and Waldorf Astor would agree with you. And wasn’t the food delicious? Last year, Paulo lured his chef away from the Cipriani in Venice.’
‘Venice is sinking, isn’t it?’ Lucia said smoothly. ‘I expect he was glad to leave.’
By that point, I wasn’t sure if I was going to laugh or have a fit of the vapours, being in the middle of all this.
The three ladies took a break from their verbal jousting for a few minutes as their drinks arrived on a silver tray, accompanied by much deferential bowing from the waiter.
‘Nuts,’ Ceci said, which caused Sylvia to jerk her head round at the anticipated insult. ‘I think I would like some cashew nuts.’
The waiter hurried off to find some and Sylvia dabbed at her throat with a handkerchief.
‘It’s been a splendid celebration of Ellen, someone who was much admired and loved,’ I said, hoping I was going to defuse the situation.
‘She was indeed,’ Ceci said, ‘very much admired. But strict. Very disciplined.’
‘Isn’t it wonderful when our children succeed in the world? My son Ralph is very much admired too,’ Sylvia said. ‘He has been told he may well be in line for a promotion soon. He was told by the assistant to the acting deputy leader of the department. Although I shouldn’t be telling you this, è molto confidenziale – it’s very confidential.’
‘Oh, I promise we won’t breathe a word,’ Lucia purred. ‘I mean, who would want to know?’
I looked over at Freddy, who was sipping his whiskey with a little smile on his face. He might be used to all this bickering, but I wasn’t.
‘Is Ralph married?’ I asked.
‘He is. To a lovely English girl. Cressida. Her father used to work for the government, so she is no stranger to a political life at the highest levels. He is an assistant director, which I’m told is the equivalent of a captain in the navy.’
‘I love to see a man in uniform,’ Ceci purred. ‘Do you have any recent pictures? All that braid, all those medals.’
‘Not with me,’ Sylvia said icily, ‘and it doesn’t work like that.’
‘ Che peccato – what a shame.’
I pressed on. ‘And do they have children?’
Sylvia dived into the depths of her handbag and brought out a little book of photographs.
‘This is Quentin, who is six, and Amelia, who is five. He is so bright, and she is going to be a beauty. The most delightful children.’
‘Goodness me, is that blood?’ Lucia asked, peering over my shoulder.
‘Spaghetti sauce,’ Sylvia said tersely, flipping the page over, ‘and here they are on their first day at school. They go to the European School, such a wonderful place. Probably the best in the world.’
‘I thought that was Carlsberg?’ Freddy murmured.
Sylvia ignored him.
I looked through the pictures. From what I could see, Quentin and Amelia were a pair of perfectly ordinary-looking children who needed help with their table manners. But then Sylvia was a proud grandmother and perhaps I could cut her some slack. Violet and Maud were after all more than capable of wreaking similar carnage at the dinner table.
‘How lovely for you,’ I said.
Sylvia sipped daintily from her water glass.
‘Do you have grandchildren?’ Ceci asked me politely.
‘Two, Violet and?—’
Sylvia wasn’t really interested. ‘Yes, I am sure Quentin is destined for a career in the civil service; he is such a peacemaker. And he has always shared his toys with his sister. She on the other hand is very spirited. Quite self-absorbed on occasion.’
‘I wonder where she gets that from?’ Lucia mused, gazing at a picture of Amelia dressed as a fairy and clocking her brother over the head with her wand.
Ceci took a sip of her drink and dabbed her mouth with her napkin.
‘So what are you going to do with the rest of your time here?’
I wished that people would stop asking me that. It made me realise that actually I had no plans at all. Everything had been about Ceci’s birthday and remembering Ellen, and now that was over I was beginning to feel like one of the extras in a film, just wandering about in the background pretending to be talking or doing something and enjoying myself.
‘I’m not sure,’ I said, trotting out the usual answer. ‘It’s such a lovely place, it’s a treat to just be here.’
‘Have you been to see the Salto di Tiberio?’ Freddy asked. ‘It’s well worth the trek.’
Ceci nodded and turned to Sylvia. ‘I really must take you there.’
Sylvia frowned. ‘I’ve been there. Not for many years. That’s up on some cliffs, isn’t it? Lots of steps, I remember that. I don’t think I would be able to manage now with my arthritis.’
‘Oh, don’t worry, I’d be happy to come along and give you a push if you needed it.’ Ceci smiled.
* * *
I went to bed that evening feeling even more as though my part in this event was over and I should start thinking about going home. Susie still hadn’t appeared and I hadn’t seen anything more of Paulo. And yes, I did realise she was having fun, and naturally he was busy. He had a job to do and other people to worry about.
But even so, I was feeling exactly as I occasionally had when I was younger, out for the evening with my friends perhaps, and enjoying myself with my latest date. Sometimes, out of nowhere, a terrible feeling of being alone had washed over me. The noise, the people, the pounding music, the giggling queues for the ladies; I would somehow stop being part of the fun and instead would stand, struggling with the feeling that I didn’t belong.
I could remember it so clearly, sitting at a sticky table, swigging back a drink I didn’t want, not sure what to do. But then, on other occasions, I had also been quite happy to go out on the dancefloor with or without a partner and spin and twirl to the music, so I couldn’t have been completely hopeless. Perhaps that had been the effect of the alcohol?
That was how I met Greg. I’d just broken up with my latest boyfriend, so I didn’t have a plus one to take with me to Ellen and Paulo’s wedding. Looking at all those other happy couples, watching Ellen and Paulo so much in love, exchanging their vows, her beautiful dress, the emotional speeches, the champagne, the applause and the excitement of the day. I realised that this was it; he had married someone else and I was probably going to be alone forever.
The evening DJ had been playing what I thought were called ‘floor fillers’, the sort of music that was irresistible. I had been slightly tipsy, still in my pale green dress which was made of some synthetic material, and I had collided with Greg as he crossed the dancefloor. There had been an actual spark of static electricity as he grabbed my hand to pull me back to my feet, and he had chuckled and made some comment about instant chemistry. Eight months later we were married.
I’d believed then that I wouldn’t feel lonely again. I’d had a family, a career, a busy life, a husband. But gradually I’d realised that even that didn’t really take away all those feelings, of not quite having got my life right. It wasn’t supposed to feel like that, was it? There was still a gap in my life, one that I couldn’t quite name. And surely I should have sorted it out by now? Weren’t women my age supposed to feel confident and satisfied with their lives? Not restless like a cat trying to fit into a cardboard box that was too small.
I thought about Juliette then, finding happiness with Matthew, or Ceci with Freddy, and I wondered what it would take for me to feel the same level of contentment.
But was Juliette right. Should I take the chance to tell Paulo how I felt? How I had probably loved him for decades without even realising it? Not acknowledging it to myself. Never confessing it to anyone, not even my closest friend. It seemed pathetic, to admit that a piece of my heart had been given irrevocably to a man who had married someone else.
But surely this was not the time or the place to do so.
But if that was the case, when would be the right time?
* * *
‘Raimondo wants to take me out for the day,’ Susie said the following morning over breakfast.
‘Again? Where to this time?’ I said. I realised I sounded a bit irritated, and the last thing I wanted to do was to upset her when she was so cheerful. ‘What’s he got in mind?’
‘Oh, I’m not sure,’ Susie said, running a careless hand through her curls.
‘And where did you get to last night?’
‘Nowhere particular. I could see Paulo wanted to talk to you so we went off down the road to a little wine bar Raimondo knows and had a lovely time. I don’t think I have talked to a man so easily for ages. And he doesn’t try to sort my problems out like most men do, he just listens.’
She was looking very happy this morning, more so than I had seen her for years. Perhaps this was the effect her new admirer was having on her, and I was genuinely pleased for her. Heaven knows I had seen her often enough looking worried thanks to Simon and his gaslighting.
‘We might take the ferry over to Amalfi today. I mean, you could come too if you wanted to?’
‘What a dreadful idea.’ I laughed. ‘I’d be a real third wheel. No, you go and have fun.’
Susie fidgeted with the clasp on her handbag. ‘I do feel a bit mean, leaving you on your own. But then we will be going home in a few days?—’
‘Then make the most of it,’ I said.
‘What will you do?’
‘There’s nothing wrong with just relaxing,’ I said, ‘enjoying the sunshine and the views and – well, everything.’
And Paulo had said he wanted to spend the day with me. So where was he?
She left an hour later, Raimondo picking her up in Paulo’s car, and I watched them from my window as they drove off down to the harbour, looking very jaunty and windswept.
I spent some time emailing my son and daughters and sending them some photos of the previous day’s events. And a picture of Paulo and me which Susie had taken, while I was dressed up in my designer finery. I sent that to Juliette too and within seconds she had replied.
You both look so happy. Why don’t you tell him how you feel? We’re all a long time dead. Sorry if that’s insensitive, but I haven’t seen you smile like that before. And he’s gorgeous. Faint heart never won fabulous hunk!
I looked hard at that picture again. I had a wide smile; so did Paulo. I could almost remember the feel the light touch of his hand on my shoulder as we stood there. My borrowed dress had suited me; even my hair had been behaving and looking sleek. Behind us I could glimpse some of the lovely flowers in exuberant displays. It almost looked like a wedding picture.
The path not taken.
How would my life have been if we had been together, I wondered. Would we have been happy? Would we have learned not to argue? Would we both have been faithful and content?
That was it, I realised; the thing I was seeking. Not just to be coping, to be running my life efficiently. It wasn’t just a case of mowing the lawn or paying the bills on time. Remembering birthday cards and meter readings. Getting by. Not falling down the stairs.
I wanted to matter. To matter to myself. But above all, I wanted to be able to do things I enjoyed, just for me. To be content.
That was what I wanted. To fill the void in my life that somehow had always been there, and still remained empty. But how?