Chapter 23
So much had happened since then. I knew I was not the same person I had been; I was certainly not living the same life.
Alex moved out into his new flat at the beginning of December. Jess had made plans for them all to go to her for Christmas celebrations because as she said, she had the biggest house and twice as many bedrooms as I did. That seemed to give them a lot of pleasure, and they were all looking forward to doing something new, making traditions of their own as I had hoped, so perhaps they could see I had been right after all.
I went back to Capri for Christmas, to find that sun-kissed island was preparing for the winter months. It was raining and a cold wind was blowing in from the sea.
Even the ferry crossing from Naples was different this time. The sea was rough, the boat rocking and uncomfortable. Someone said there had been no crossings at all the previous week because of the bad weather.
The prospect of not being able to make the journey was too awful. But then at last, the ferry reached the harbourside at Marina Grande and I picked up my cases, checking I hadn’t left anything behind. All the time I was remembering how anxious I had been last time I’d made this journey, not knowing for a second that it would be a trip that would change my life forever.
What I didn’t know, of course, was how it would feel to be back with him. With Paulo. Just us, without the distraction of the hotel to run, the other guests, without worrying about the memory of Ellen.
Paulo was there at the quayside, waiting for me, shrouded in a waxed coat with the hood pulled up, and his face broke into that wonderful and familiar smile as he saw me. As I waited to start down the gangplank, I took a deep breath, feeling as though I might burst with excitement and happiness. This time it would be all right.
Since my first visit, we had spoken on the phone most days, exchanged emails and texts. How different from last time when he hadn’t known how to contact me. I had learned so much about him, and about myself.
I knew about the delays with his solicitors as the sale of the hotel went through; he knew about my family, the clearing out of my garage. He knew that Alex and Kat were going to spend Christmas with Jess, that my neighbour Juliette – would be keeping an eye on my house when it was empty. It was surprising how helpful, how kind, people could be if one just asked.
He knew, and perhaps shared, my feelings about this second meeting. Was he as anxious as I was? Did he wonder about how things would progress in the next few days? What level of intimacy we might reach?
‘Welcome back,’ Paulo said as he swept me into a hug, his cheek cold against mine. ‘Let’s get you out of this rain. It hasn’t stopped for two days.’ He stopped then, leaning back to look at me. ‘Perhaps you will bring the sunshine back? It’s wonderful to see you again. I’ve missed you so much.’
‘I’ve missed you too,’ I said, smiling so much that my face was beginning to ache.
And then someone struggling with an armful of laden carrier bags banged into us, and we realised we were blocking other people. And so we hurried into the car park, where the little Hotel Massimo truck was waiting.
As we drove through the town, I could see a lot of the tourist shops and hotels had closed for the winter, but some shops and restaurants were still open, decorated with fairy lights which blew and flickered in the breeze and many had Christmas trees inside which shone out into the dark afternoon. A couple of the shops had extravagant displays of beautifully wrapped gifts in the windows, which made me want to stop and stare. There were strings of little blue lights strung between the masts of the boats in the harbour and between the streetlights like a sparkling canopy. Everything, me included, felt very different from my last visit.
‘The last guests left yesterday,’ Paulo said, brisk and businesslike as we drove up the hillside away from the marina. ‘Sylvia has gone to England to be with her daughter and taken Lucia with her. My mother and Freddy will arrive tomorrow morning and they will leave after Christmas to spend the New Year with his daughter in Milan.’
‘I can’t wait to see her again; I like her enormously. She’s very wise. She gave me some excellent advice the last time I saw her.’
Paulo turned fleetingly to smile.
‘And what did she say, this wise mother of mine?’
‘Just girl talk,’ I said.
‘Girl talk,’ he said, laughing.
‘I’m still a girl in my head, Paulo. And I am sure your mother is too. I want to see some pictures of her when she was a young woman. I bet she was stunning.’
‘I am sure she will show you,’ he said. ‘She has been looking forward to seeing you. She has been nagging me. I think she had guessed more than I have told her. She seems to think we are well suited.’
I looked across at his profile and grinned.
‘I told you she was wise.’
* * *
It was strange to be back in the hotel that once had been bustling and busy and was now so quiet. There were signs that a lot of packing up had been going on, and the doors to the ballroom were open, showing that it was empty. The glittering chandeliers were switched off, the tables stacked in one corner. It was the end of something, but also the beginning.
Just for a moment I could remember it as it had been. All those people, me in my borrowed dress and Susie laughing and happy with Raimondo as he brought her Prosecco and looked at her with the sort of expression of which I didn’t think Simon had ever been capable.
She was currently at home, finishing off the decoration of her spare bedroom and waiting for Raimondo to arrive to spend Christmas with her. I didn’t think I had ever seen her so happy.
The doors into the garden were all closed, and outside, gusts of rain slanted between the lemon trees. On the terrace where I had sat drinking wine in the shade of the parasols, everything had been taken down, the tables and chairs put away for the winter.
Somehow it looked sad, and I remembered how it had been the last day I was there. So beautiful, the air so bright and clear. The sunlight and that wonderful blue sky.
However, in Paulo’s apartment, everything was almost as I remembered it – comfortable, warm and welcoming. Except this time there was a Christmas tree in one corner decorated with red and green coloured lights – the Italian colours, he reminded me, which were traditional – and a golden star at the top. There was a log fire burning in the grate, a crowd of scarlet poinsettias on the windowsills and nativity figurines on a coffee table.
‘It’s all a bit conventional,’ Paulo said. ‘My mother insisted. Maybe a little over the top?’
‘It’s beautiful,’ I sighed. ‘Exactly as I would have hoped.’
‘Are there enough fairy lights, even for you?’
‘Well, not really; after all, you can never have too many,’ I said, and he chuckled.
‘I will search to find if I have any more, and if not I will scour the shops for some! Those endless arguments about that all those years ago, do you remember?’
‘I was a nightmare, I’ll admit it,’ I said.
‘My mother and Freddy are looking forward to sharing a proper Italian Christmas with you, I mean with us. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, when all Italians have fish, then she will want us to play cards and tell her all our news. On Christmas Day a few friends will be joining us for an afternoon feast, and you had better be hungry because it will go on for a long time. We don’t like to hurry such a celebration in Italy.’
‘I like the sound of that,’ I said. ‘At home I spend all morning cooking and then my family tend to race through Christmas dinner.’
‘Not here, we have all day. Now then, are you comfortable staying here with me?’ he asked. ‘There is a second bedroom if you prefer.’
I caught hold of his arm as he turned.
‘Don’t be daft,’ I said gently, suddenly realising that perhaps he was nervous too. Wondering if the feeling between us could be just as real as it had seemed. I looked for a moment into his wonderful brown eyes and then I smiled.
And I put my arms around him and pulled him towards me.
And I kissed him.
I felt him relax and his arms went around me, and he held me tight against him. All the years we had lost, all the last few weeks of text messages and emails, were forgotten. At long last, we were back together. There were no doubts or ghosts of the past between us.
His room was lovely, but a bit spartan. Just a big wooden bed, a wardrobe and a chest of drawers. But there was a comfortable chair in the corner and a small writing desk covered in papers. I supposed that was just his masculine taste. There seemed no trace of Ellen in that room. There were no traces of her ever being in there. No photographs, nothing to show her love of colour or the last faint traces of her perfume. It felt like he had brought me into his sanctuary.
He carried my cases in and left them in the corner and then he turned to me.
‘Well,’ he said, ‘will this be okay? Is it warm enough? I know you always felt the cold.’
I took my coat off and dropped it onto the chair.
‘It’s fine.’
I suddenly recalled what Juliette had said. You can make a brand-new ending. And this moment, perhaps this was when it started.
I went to put my arms around his waist and looked up at him.
‘Do you remember?’ I said.
‘Oh, yes, I remember,’ he said. ‘I remember everything.’
‘Then?’
It was as though we had never parted. The desire we both felt for each other was still there. I thought we were both apprehensive, wondering if our old relationship, such as it had been, would have stood the test of time. But it didn’t take very long to realise it had.
The evening light in his room was calm and forgiving. The bed softer still. The sheets like silk under my skin. And he was so warm, so passionate and kind. And there was no rush this quiet December evening as we discovered each other at last. How long had I wanted to be appreciated like that, so cherished, so loved.
It was everything and more that I had ever dreamed of. There was no hesitation, no regret, no memories of the past there to spoil it. Just him and me, absorbed in each other, finding at last the things we had sought. The ice in my heart thawed under his touch, and I knew then what it was to be precious to a man. Important and valued. At last.
Although my heart soared with joy, I could have cried. With happiness, with relief that the wait for him, for this moment, had not been in vain. Nothing in the past mattered any more, none of the difficulties, the problems, the disappointments, the doubts. The only thing I knew in that moment was him and me.
We lay there for a long time afterwards, wrapped in the warmth of each other’s arms. The afternoon darkened into night outside and still we lay there, not wanting to disturb that perfect moment.
And then he brought me a soft woollen robe to wear and a bottle of champagne and two glasses from his kitchen. I sat up in bed and watched him, loving the way his muscles moved under his smooth skin. I was filled with wonder at the beauty of his face as he smiled at me. Nowhere could there be any person on the planet who was as happy as I was at the moment, I was sure of it.
* * *
The following day I woke to see him still sleeping beside me and I gave a great sigh of contentment.
‘Are you awake at last?’ he said, his eyes still closed.
I snuggled up to him and his arm went around my shoulder.
‘I’m hungry,’ I said, kissing his chest.
He brushed my hair back from my face.
‘I bet you are,’ he said with a grin.
He brought me coffee, hot and sweet, and a dish of croissants and apricot jam. We sat up in bed talking and just being happy together. How simple it all sounded now it was possible; how difficult to imagine once upon a time.
‘And now I have a Christmas present for you,’ he said at last, and he handed me a package, beautifully wrapped with curled red ribbons that I was pretty sure he had not done himself.
Inside, wrapped in some designer-logoed tissue paper, was a slim leather box, and inside that, a beautiful gold bracelet with just one charm on it. A little outline of Italy.
‘I will buy you others,’ he said, fastening it around my wrist, ‘to celebrate the things we do, the places we see together.’
‘I can’t wait,’ I said.
‘Nor can I.’
He smiled and kissed my hand and then took me in his arms and kissed me, and at that moment I felt truly invincible. Who cared if we were older, less confident? If we had lost the suppleness of our youth, if we had made mistakes in the past?
This was the beginning of something new and special. And whatever happened, for the rest of my life, I knew I would never be lonely again.
* * *
We showered and dressed and cleared away the debris of the previous evening, and then we switched on all the Christmas lights and they twinkled out into the grey day like little sparks of hope.
We stood, arms around each other, looking at the Christmas tree, and he dropped a kiss on top of my head.
‘ Buon natale, amore mio. Merry Christmas, my love,’ he said.
‘ Beh, era ora , it’s about time,’ said a voice behind me.
I turned to see Ceci, arm in arm with Freddy standing in the doorway, both of them smiling. She was wearing a beautiful forest-green dress with a suitably festive crimson wrap. She held out a hand to me with a little cry of welcome and I went forward to kiss her cheek. Then Freddy gave a funny courtly little bow and kissed my hand.
And then after all that formality, we all laughed and it really did feel as though somehow, at last, who knew how, I was ready to face whatever the future threw at me. I was centred in my own life, exactly where I should be.