Chapter Four #2
“Yes, we all decided to join his team.” Dracal smiled.
“And we're all doing well. Lord Katai is a wonderful employer.
Word is spreading about us, and people are seeking our help now.
So many people have been wronged and ignored.
We set things right. Sometimes we report to the Talons, but mainly, we take care of the criminals ourselves.
It feels good, really good, to help people.
I feel as if I've been given a second chance.”
I looked into his sparkling eyes and felt both peace and longing.
I wanted to feel like that. A second chance spent helping people.
Maybe I could go to Rushao and find Katai.
Maybe he'd take me on as an apprentice if I promised to work hard.
“How fulfilling. I'm glad you're doing well. Please let all of your fellows know that I hold no grudge against any of you. I know you were enslaved as I was.”
“Thank you, Eliel. I've thought of you often. Prayed for you. I'm relieved to see you recovering. But if you ever need anything—”
The King cleared his throat, and we both looked at him in surprise. “He is quite well. I am looking after him. So, if you are satisfied with his wellbeing?” He motioned toward the door.
Dracal's eyebrows lifted. “Oh! Oh yes, of course, Your Majesty. I'm sorry to take up your time.” He stood up.
“Wait!” I launched to my feet, earning a scowl from the Dragon King.
“Yes?” Dracal paused.
“Where is he? Katai, I mean. Where in Rushao?”
“We are in the coastal city of Sunsho.” Dracal smiled gently. “Perhaps you might visit us one day.”
“I would like that. Please give Katai my best. I'm in awe of what he is accomplishing.”
“I will.” Dracal bowed to me and then to the King. “Your Majesty.” He strode out while I sat down.
“Give us some privacy.” The King motioned to his men.
The knights inclined their heads and marched out after the Hulfrin.
My throat went dry. Was he going to ask me to leave now?
Maybe he would send me to live in Bara's old house.
He had given it and all of Bara's belongings to me.
If he did that, I'd sell everything and leave with Dracal.
Maybe I could catch up with him before he left.
Looking at the King, my stomach twisted. I didn't want to leave. So, as soon as the door shut, I met his gaze and pleaded for leniency. “Your Majesty, I'm sorry about what I said at breakfast. I won't insult you like that again.”
“Insult me?” King Raventar turned in his chair to face me. “Why do you think I was insulted?”
“The way you reacted. You obviously aren't interested in me. I mean, of course, you're not. I shouldn't—”
“Eliel, stop.”
I sighed. “Yes, all right. Let's be honest with each other. You're attracted to me, but you won't debase yourself by being with me. I understand, and I won't make anymore sexual advances toward you.”
“Debase myself?” The King leaned back. “What are you talking about?”
Surprised, I met his gaze. “By bedding me.
I'm unclean. Broken. You don't have to say it.
I know what I am. It's all right. You're a wonderful man, and I've misinterpreted your kindness.
I won't do it again. I'm truly grateful for all you've done for me, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable.
If you prefer, I'll keep to my room from now on. You don't even have to see me.”
“Eliel, that is enough!” He grabbed my hand.
I shrank back.
The Dragon King jerked his hand away. “Fuck me!” He covered his face with his hands and breathed deeply for a few moments. Finally, he lifted his head. “Eliel, please don't fear me. I would never hurt you.”
“I'm sorry, Your Majesty. It's instinctive. I didn't mean to pull away from you. I know you won't hurt me.”
“No, Eliel, you don't know that, and I don't expect you to. You need time to learn to trust me. I'm willing to wait.” His hand lifted but then lowered again. “I reacted poorly to your . . . offer earlier because I do want to be with you.”
“Yes, I know. You can't help what your body feels, but I am not worthy of your attention. So, you must control your urges and deny me. I understand.”
“Oh, for fuck's sake!” The King threw both arms into the air and slumped back in his chair. “This is absurd.”
I scowled at him.
“I'm sorry.” He shook his head. “I know you're hurt, and I'm trying to be sensitive, but this is getting ridiculous.” He leaned forward again, looming even though he was seated.
“You are not dirty or unworthy, Eliel. What Bara did to you was horrendous, but it is not your fault. That evil belongs to him. His actions have hurt you, but they have not altered you. Do not take on his monstrosity.”
“If you knew what I did, you wouldn't say that.”
The King's hands shook, and his jaw clenched. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
My throat tightened in fear. Bara had often looked like that before he hit me. “I'm sorry, Your Majesty.”
The skin around his eyes twitched. “For what, Eliel?”
“For angering you.”
“Great Goddess, help me,” King Raventar whispered.
My eyes went wide.
“Eliel, you haven't angered me. I'm furious with Bara.
With what he did to you. I'm not angry with you.” He bent his head, took another breath, and then lifted his head to meet my gaze.
“Let me ask you this: if you had willingly done those things with a lover, would you still think you were dirty and unworthy of love?”
My mind spun. Wait. What? “I don't know.”
“Were the acts themselves wrong, Eliel? It's not a difficult question.”
I thought back. My hands began to tremble. I saw Bara again. Above me. Felt his hands on me. With a cry, I covered my face.
“Shhh, now. I'm sorry.” The King brushed a hand lightly over my hair. “Damn it all, I wish I could hold you.”
I jerked back.
“Fuck,” he whispered. “Eliel, please. I know it's hard to remember, so don't. Don't think about him. Just consider that the acts he made you perform were not dirty. What made them terrible was his forcing you. So, whose soul is tainted? Yours or his?”
Taking a shivering breath, I said, “His.”
“Yes! Yes, his soul alone is dirty. I know it will take time for you to accept it, but the sex wasn't wrong.
It was him. Bara was the evil one. He raped you.
He made something pure and beautiful into something terrifying and disgusting.
But that doesn't mean it will never be beautiful again.
You will find pleasure in sex once more.
You'll find it with someone who loves you and whom you love.
That will wash away the horror Bara forced on you.
At least, that's what I hope for you, Eliel.”
“You . . . you don't think I'm disgusting?”
“No, of course not. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met—both outside and in.
You're gentle and compassionate. It makes Bara's deeds even more reprehensible.
To take someone as lovely as you and hurt them as he hurt you is unforgivable.
If you hadn't killed him, I would have taken great pleasure in torturing him to death for you.”
“But you looked at me as if I were ugly,” I whispered.
“The ugliness I saw wasn't in you, but in myself.” His hands clenched into fists.
“I don't understand.”
“I want you. I want you so badly that I was tempted to accept your offer, even knowing you only made it out of obligation. And that makes me feel ugly.”
“But why?” My heart was racing. He wanted me! Why wasn't I scared? Perhaps the fear of never having him had banished my fear of having sex with him.
“Because when I make love to you, I want it to be about love, not lust.” His brilliant turquoise stare brightened. “You don't even trust me yet. If I took you now, it would make me feel like a rapist.”
“No, you could never be that, especially not with me. I want you too.”
The Dragon King's breath caught. “You do?”
“Yes, of course. You're incredible. I . . . I just have to . . .”
“I know.” His lips twitched into a brief smile, as if he weren't quite daring to hope. “You need time. That's what I mean. You made that offer out of obligation because you thought that's all I wanted from you, and maybe you think it's all you have to give me. It's not, Eliel.”
“I didn't offer myself out of obligation.”
He stared at me. Not sternly but patiently, as if waiting for me to admit the truth to myself.
“All right, maybe a little. But I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't attracted to you.”
“You don't owe me anything. Don't ever feel that way.
I owe you. You're my responsibility, as are all the people of Tabaa, and I failed to protect you. I failed to see Bara for what he was. It took a foreigner coming to my kingdom to expose that evil bastard. I failed you! The least I can do is protect and provide for you now.” He held out a hand.
“How about we take this slowly? We like each other. That's a good first step.”
I stared at his hand. This was my choice. He was giving me control over touching him. My breath caught as I slipped my hand into his. He gasped as if I had burned him. I jerked my hand away.
“No!” The King bit his lip and then repeated in a calmer tone, “No, please. I was just surprised at how good it felt to hold your hand.”
Just my hand? No one had ever been satisfied with merely holding my hand. Emboldened by that, I laid my palm against his. His warm fingers wrapped around my hand, engulfing it. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, I felt safe. My heartbeat slowed.
“If you don't want sex from me, what do you want?” I whispered.
“Oh, I do want sex, but I want it to be more than that. I want you, Eliel. Not just your body. You. I want to know you. Will you let me?”
“How?”
“Just be open to me. Talk with me. Let me prove that I can be good to you. I need you to trust me. I want . . .”
“Yes?”
“I want to love you. I want to be loved by you. I've wanted it from the moment I saw you walk in with Katai.”
Katai. The King's reaction to Katai's message returned to haunt me. I grimaced. “Do you love Katai?”
He gaped at me. And then he laughed.
I scowled.
“Do you?” he shot back.
“I admire him. Maybe I could have loved him. But he already loved someone else.”
“Yes, I thought the same thing. Until I met you. Then Katai faded for me. He is like a sunflower, while you are a rose—ten times more beautiful and with the most intoxicating scent.”
“I saw your face when the messenger was announced. You want Katai.”
“I like him. I don't want him.”
“All right,” I whispered.
“You are not convinced.”
I shrugged.
The Dragon King nodded. “Very well. You will learn the difference between a common attraction and what I have for you.” He lifted my hand and kissed it. “Until then, would you help me find the rest of Bara's customers?”
“Yes. I've already said I would.” I drew my hand away.
“Is there anything you can remember about his business? How he shipped items. The moths. The procedures he used.”
“I didn't know what he was using the moths for until you let me read his notebooks. And he didn't talk to me about business.”
“Yes, so you've said. But there must have been things that you saw. Symbols or names written somewhere. Anything might help.”
I frowned, trying to remember. “He received shipments often. He wouldn't let me near them. I assume they were bones sent by the Spider. They were marked.” I frowned. “I'd remember the symbols if I saw them again.”
He nodded. “I'd like you to join me on the raid this afternoon.”
“What raid?”
“We located a possible storage site outside the city. Will you accompany me?”
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
“Eliel, never doubt my admiration of you. And never feel unworthy again. You do that, and Bara wins. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Your Majesty,” I whispered.
“We will destroy everything he built, Eliel. You and me. Together.” The Dragon King stood up and then offered me his hand again.
It was easier to put my hand in his this time. Almost natural. I intertwined my fingers with his, and he pulled, bringing me to my feet. The motion was too fast, and I stumbled, my wings whooshing open to steady me. I cried out as my broken wing extended too far.
“Eliel!” The King caught me and held me against his chest.
I froze. His scent invaded—musk and sage. It was so primal, so masculine, that my body buckled, wanting to submit to his dominance. And that terrified me. Bara had used magic to make me his slave, but King Raventar didn't need it. One deep breath, and I would willingly kneel before him.
I flung myself back, another cry coming to my lips. The chair tripped me, and I fell. Once more, the Dragon King was there, catching me before I hit the floor. But he quickly set me on the couch and backed away, his hands lifted, palms facing me.
I was shaking so badly that I couldn't stand, only sit there and feel like a coward.
Breath catching, I bent forward, bringing my wings around myself and covering my face with my hands.
I had spent all morning lamenting the loss of this man and lusting after him.
Yet, when my sorrow proves false, and he says beautiful things to me, I stiffen.
I pull away. I could barely hold his hand.
One accidental embrace sent me into an insane fit.
“Eliel,” the Dragon King whispered. “Don't hide from me, sweetheart.”
My wings opened as I lowered my hands to look at him. Even after that humiliating display, he showed me kindness. “I'm so broken. I want to be with you, but I can't even be held by you without panicking.”
“You were hurt horribly. This is normal.”
“Normal?! There is nothing normal about this!” I held out my shaking arms. “Look at me. I may never be normal again.”
The Dragon King knelt before me. “Yes, you will be. You will get stronger, and you will learn to trust again. I don't expect you to fall into my arms instantly, Eliel. It will take time. Don't push yourself. Just let it happen. I will be here when you're ready.”
Swallowing my fear, I held out my hand.
King Raventar's eyes went wide. Slowly, he laid his palm on mine. Then he twined our fingers together. “This is our win for today. Take hope from it. I have.”
I nodded. “One touch at a time.”
The Dragon King smiled, and my heart shook in a good way. Hope. Yes, I had hope now. That bleak future without him was fading. Even if all he did was help me become me again, I would be eternally grateful to the Dragon King of Tabaa.