Chapter Six
As much as he hated me, Vasren wouldn't let another man near me.
Our meals had to be brought by women and left outside the door.
I'd heard that Dragons were dangerous while establishing a mating bond, but I hadn't realized just how bad it would be.
Or that they could be dangerous to their mates as well.
When Vas was overcome with the mating urge, there was no speaking to him about love.
If I tried, he would go into a rage. The beautiful walls already bore evidence of that.
Normally, I knew how to handle people, but I was at a complete loss.
I still loved him, still wanted to be his mate.
It broke my heart that our mating was poisoned by what I'd done.
I wanted so badly to repair what I had broken, but he wasn't ready.
I finally accepted it and stopped talking about my feelings.
Stopped telling him I was sorry. There was only so much apologizing I could do.
And I shouldn't have to say anything. He had to be feeling my emotions through our bond.
I certainly felt his. Every day, our bond intensified, and I opened myself to it.
I embraced Vasren's soul as I embraced him.
And I was drowned in his fury and his vast sadness.
Maybe he didn't open himself to me as I had with him. That would explain his utter lack of response to my emotions.
On the fourth day, my emotions wore thin.
The constant sex, combined with his essence sinking into my soul and his continued hatred, was too much.
I needed a release that wasn't an orgasm.
So, after Vasren exhausted himself and passed out beside me on the bed, I crept out to the balcony and shut the door behind me.
Shuddering and sucking in breaths that felt as if they were the first fully drawn inhales I'd had in days, I stared across the channel.
The new life I had built for myself was out there, waiting in Tabaa.
What would happen to my home? My belongings?
Dear Gods, the fire tube was there. If someone got their hands on it . . .
“Help,” I whispered, not knowing who I was speaking to. “Please help me.” And then I crumpled to the ground, brought my knees in to my chest, and wept.
The sun shone, but I didn't know whether it was early or late.
Vasren only let me sleep for a few hours at a time.
Physically, I was fine—that amazing Dragon immortality restoring me constantly—but my mind was taking a beating.
As was my heart. I probably deserved it.
But that didn't make it any easier to bear.
I wondered what I could have done differently.
Looking back, it was easy to see that Vas mattered more than vengeance.
But, as he said, I had fucked it up. He couldn't trust me anymore.
I didn't blame him. I wouldn't trust him either, had he done the same to me.
Not even if he bared his soul. And as bitter as this was for me, it had to be ten times harder on him.
I'd only been wanting this for a few months, ever since we became intimate.
But Vas had been searching for his mate for his entire life.
To bind himself to me now, after he discovered my duplicity, must feel like another betrayal—this one by his goddess.
I wept harder, my hair falling around me in a black veil, like a blanket pulled over a child's head.
I was naked underneath it. Clothes had become one of those things I wasn't allowed anymore.
No clothes, no leaving, and no fucking choice about anything.
I was as much a prisoner there as I would have been in Kochan.
Just as I started to talk myself down from my self-destructive rant—obviously, I was better off as Vasren's mate than awaiting execution—the balcony door slammed open.
I lifted my head and met Vasren's panicked stare.
He released a breath, but then my tears registered.
His face twitched. His jaw clenched. He looked away.
“Could I just have a few minutes to myself, please?” I whispered. “Just a few minutes,” my voice broke on the last word.
Vasren's throat worked violently. A tear slid down his cheek. He turned away and shut the door.
Hardly believing that he was giving me a reprieve, I let out another long, shaky breath and swiped at my eyes. I wasn't a man who used tears against my lovers. Not even the fake ones. It felt demeaning to me. Vasren witnessing my pain was humiliating. As if he'd won our game of wills.
But it was done. And I owed him tears. Many, many tears to balance those he must have shed.
My vengeful plot had centered on equality and justice.
It would be hypocritical of me to deny the justice in my pain.
I might as well give my body the release it needed.
I let the sobs roll out and the tears flow freely.
I just had to get this out, and then I could go inside and face Vas.
I could face what I'd done and try to make amends even if he—
The door opened again.
Without looking up, I said, “Just a little longer, please. I'll be all right in a minute.”
Vasren picked me up and cradled me against his chest. Oh, it was wrong to cling to him, but I had no one else, and he caught me in a vulnerable moment. Then there was the love I still harbored for him. It made his embrace feel right. I could pretend for just a little while that he loved me back.
So, I wrapped my arms around Vasren's neck and cried.
I held back the worst of my sobs—my only consolation to my pride—but I let the tears flow.
He didn't carry me to the bed. Instead, he sat down on a couch and just held me.
I didn't have the courage to look up at him.
All I could do was bury my face in his chest and hold on until the tears ran their course.
Finally, I sniffed my last, shuddered through the hollowness of the release, and swiped at my eyes.
As the emotions that had broken my mask receded, a new one replaced them—embarrassment.
It was back. Along with regret. And dread.
What was Vas going to do with this weakness I had shown? Slowly, I lifted my face.
Vasren stared at me as if my tears had been his. He swept my hair back from my face and ran the side of his thumb under my eye, swiping away the last of the moisture. “Your eyes are even more beautiful with the shine of tears.”
I flinched.
He let out a long sigh. “I used to love staring into them. So rare, even among Dragons. Golden eyes.” He looked back at me. “Where did you get those eyes?”
I didn't answer, just stared at him. He wasn't asking me anyway, just giving voice to his fascination.
“Now, all I see is betrayal in them.”
“Fuck, Vas,” I whispered and started to slide off his lap.
Vas held me in place. “I want to see—ahhh!” His back arched and his head rolled back as his cock went hard. “Oh, fuck!” He rolled us, taking me beneath him and off the couch, to kneel on the floor beside it. Then he positioned me so that I was bent over a seat cushion.
In one move, Vas was inside me. I laid my face on the cushion, still warm from his body, and closed my eyes.
I could keep pretending that he still loved me.
The sex became thrilling under that mask.
But his savage thrusts and primal grunts made a lie of the illusion.
I had told Vas the truth about the number of men I'd been with, but his assumption that they'd all been relationships was wrong.
Two had been affairs. If you could call them that.
They'd been men who only wanted to fuck a beautiful man.
I knew well what it felt like to be used by a man who was motivated by lust alone.
I didn't need our bond to know that Vas was a slave to the mating instinct.
I would have cried again, but I felt empty, all of my tears drained.
There was nothing more for me to give. So, I let my body go limp against the couch, Vasren's thrusts shoving me back and forth over the velvet.
My cock remained as limp as the rest of me, swinging back and forth until Vasren grabbed it.
His hand retracted as if I'd burned him.
“What the fuck?!” Vas roared as he pulled out of me.
I looked over my shoulder at him.
“Why aren't you hard?” he demanded.
I blinked. Was he seriously blaming me for a lack of desire? I couldn't process it. I was too exhausted. So, I just laid my head back down and waited for him to get back to it.
He didn't.
Vasren jerked me up and shoved me onto the couch so that I was seated, facing him.
He knelt between my thighs and glared at me.
“Stop that. I let you cry. Gods know I understand.
But you don't get to hold yourself back from me, Katai.
You're mine now. There is no undoing this.
Only completing it. And you will help me finish this bond.
You'll do it because you agreed to it, you told me you wanted it, and you fucking owe me. You say you love me. If you do, stop feigning indifference and mate me!”
I slapped him. Couldn't be helped.
His head turned with the blow, but he came instantly back to center, snarling. Vasren snatched a length of my hair and jerked me forward with it. “I'm your salvation, you fool! Without this, you face death. Would you prefer that?”
“No,” I whispered. “But that doesn't mean I'll let you mistreat me, Vas. You want to complete the bond? Go ahead. I'm not stopping you. But I can't force myself to be aroused. And this—” I waved at him. “This has gotten tiresome.”
“Tiresome, am I?”
“Not you. Your behavior. Your stubborn refusal to give me anything in return. Yes, I wronged you. I deeply regret it. But that doesn't make a monster.”
“No, the murders do.”
“Do they? How many people have you killed, Vas?”
His eyes twitched.