Chapter Sixteen
When I reached the top of the stairs, I paused. The manor was empty. I could tell that within seconds. How? Because no one was running for the basement or the front door, despite the roars of a furious Dragon. The Eljaffna must have emptied the place so there would be no witnesses to my murder.
Instinct told me to leave—to get as far away from Vasren as fast as possible.
Usually, my instincts were good. But in this case, I chose to ignore them.
My impulse to flee was merely a reaction to Vasren's roar.
Reason told me to have a quick look around.
After all, I would need funds to get back to Tabaa, where I had left my wealth. And these motherfuckers owed me.
So, I ran upstairs and located the main suite.
I had been in the criminal world long enough to know where to find the best stash.
Sure enough, in the back of the dressing room, hidden behind a false panel, was a safe.
Not a problem. I had learned to open safes from a Raltven employee of mine.
It was open and emptied within five minutes.
I took the gold and jewelry but left the documents behind, closing the safe and replacing the panel so no one would notice the theft. Not immediately, at least.
Then I left.
I could still hear Vasren calling for me between bouts of roaring when I was halfway down the drive.
Luckily, the sound became nothing more than a murmur by the time I reached the street.
With a stolen satchel slung over my shoulder, full of stolen goods and a set of keys, I walked briskly toward Vasren's estate.
Running would have been suspicious. Especially in such a nice city.
So, I walked as fast as I could. Still, it took me at least an hour to get back.
I can mentally process a lot within an hour.
By the time I walked through Vasren's front door, my plans had changed. Drastically. I called for Yao, Vasren's steward, and handed him the key as I explained where he could find his master. He took it with wide eyes and no questions, simply running off after I finished.
“Vas chose you well,” I muttered as I headed upstairs.
I packed the few things Vas had given me in another leather satchel and then went down to the library. With my course set, I shouldn't have been mentally spiraling. But I was. I needed to calm down. I took deep breaths as I descended into the cavern, leaving the door open behind me.
In the cavern, I took a seat on a couch facing the water. With my belongings on the floor beside me, I went back to my even breathing—a technique of mu-tao—and stared at the glowing lights in the water. I didn't have long to wait.
Even as I heard the pound of Vasren's feet on the stone steps, I doubted myself.
Despite my breathing exercises, my heart raced, and my gaze went to the rowboat.
I could still get away. I stood up, picked up my bags, and started for the boat.
At the last moment, I drew back to stand within the shadows against the cavern wall.
I was done running. Done playing the weakling. After what Vas had just witnessed, it would be ridiculous. So, I straightened my shoulders, lifted my chin, and finally embraced who I was.
Vasren burst into the cavern, his hair and eyes wild, his arms widespread as if he were ready to grab or defend, as necessary.
He spun, searching, and then fell to his knees with a wounded cry that echoed off the stone walls .
. . and through me. I felt his pain slash down the center of my chest as if I had been split in two. It was enough to make me gasp.
Vasren didn't hear me. He was lost in his sorrow.
As I watched, he covered his face with his hands and wept.
I gaped at him, shocked to my core, much as he had been after witnessing me kill those Eljaffna.
But my shock receded faster, leaving me to wonder if he mourned the loss of his mate or of me.
Either way, I couldn't let it continue. I stepped out of the darkness and into the light. “Vas.”
Vasren's whole body flinched, and he fell back as flames erupted from his fingertips in a great burst like a fiery finger-burp. He lay there, gaping at me, and then looked at his burning hand. With a muttered curse, he surged to his feet and shook his hand once, extinguishing the flames.
I would have laughed at his loss of control, but Vasren's tear-streaked face shifted into lines of fury as he strode over to me.
“Vas.” I held out a hand in warning.
Vasren grabbed my wrist. Immediately, I remembered how he had dragged me into that manor with just a hold on my wrist. That wasn't going to happen again.
I spun under his arm, twisting out of his hold in an instant and then used my momentum to spin Vas and push him onto the couch.
He fell backward onto the cushion and bounced a little. Then gaped up at me.
“That's enough of that,” I said and took a seat beside him. “We are going to have a calm, rational conversation, Vasren.”
“Katai . . . dear Gods, who are you?” he whispered.
I nodded. “That's right. Even what you thought you knew about the real me wasn't all of it. You could have simply looked through our bond and seen the whole truth, but you never wanted that. You didn't want to know who I was.”
“Of course, I want to know you. I told you, I just needed a little time.” He reached for me.
I held up a hand, and he dropped his.
“Kat, I love you. I'm willing to—”
“How about you shut up and listen for once?” I cut him off.
Vas made a startled sound and leaned back.
“I know I said I was leaving, and I am. But I'm not running.
You're right. I made you a promise. I will keep it.
I won't run from you. I never did. I ran from the King's Talons, not you.
Now that I know I don't have to worry about them, there's no reason to run.” I leaned toward him, met his stare, and said, “I'm not afraid of you.”
“I never wanted you to be afraid of me.”
“No, only weaker than you. Submissive. You wanted to protect me. Well, Vas, I don't need your fucking protection, and I don't need you.”
“Katai, please.”
I held up my hand again. “I love you very much, but I don't need you.
I think that's the best kind of love, one that's not dependent.
A choosing love. But I know you can't see that.
And after today, I know you'll never give me that. Your love has conditions. I have to behave a certain way to receive it.”
“That's not true!”
I held up my hand, but this time, he snatched it.
“Stop that, Katai! You can speak, but first, you will hear this—I may not love all of you, but that's only because you've never shown me all of you. All I've gotten are glimpses.”
I yanked my hand away and glared at him. “All you had to do was look through our bond!”
“That's not true, and you know it. What does our bond show you about me? Does it tell you what I'm talented at or how I drink my tea? Do you know how many men I've killed and why?”
I went still. Then I whispered, “No, but it shows me what really matters. I see you.”
“Yes, I'm sure you do. And yet despite what you've seen inside me, you misinterpret my actions and my words.
You charge me with crimes you should know—if you've really seen my soul—that I'd never commit.
But I understand because I know that although the bond connects our souls and shows us the truth within, it's not a complete visual.
It's like cutting down a tree and staring at the rings inside.
You can learn many things about it—how old it was, whether it went through a drought, or whether it was diseased.
But if you only look at that slice, you don't see the branches or the leaves.
You don't know if it's an evergreen or what the color of its bark is.
You can't get a full picture of the tree by staring at its core.
I looked inside you, Katai. I did. But I didn't see the whole of you, and I want to. Please give me another chance. ”
My eyebrows rose. What was this? Did those few hours in that cell give Vas a new perspective? No, men don't change that quickly.
“You said that love doesn't matter.”
“Great fuck, Katai! You know that's not what I meant.
I said that love doesn't matter when it comes to the mating bond.
And it doesn't. A bond is often established before two people fall in love. Fuck! I was just trying to get you to stay. I was desperate. I was desperate because love does matter to me. You matter.” He took my hand.
Dear Gods, what was I doing? My plan faltered yet again. But then I recalibrated. This might just work. What would I lose if it went poorly? Nothing more than I'd been ready to give up.
“All right,” I said.
His face started to brighten.
“I'm not finished.” I jerked my hand away. “I'll give you another chance, but this time, it's going to be on my terms, Vasren. If you truly want to know who I am, you're going to have to start over. Do you understand?”
“I can do that.”
“We'll see,” I murmured. Then I looked over at my bags.
“I'll get your things. We can go upstairs and finish our conversation.” Vas started to get up, but I grabbed his wrist. He looked over at me and froze.
“No,” I said. “I'm still leaving.”
“What?” he whispered.
“We are starting again as strangers, Vasren.” I let go of his hand.
“We aren't strangers.”
“No, we're not. But this is how we're going to move forward. Now, listen. I'm going to tell you how it's going to be. When I'm finished speaking, you can choose to let me go, or you can agree to my terms.”
Vasren straightened and nodded. “Go on.”
“I need to collect my things from Tabaa and see to the sale of my house.”
“I'll fly you over the channel.”
“No. We're strangers, remember?”
His jaw clenched.
“I will go and handle my affairs. When I'm done, I'll return.” I looked down at my hands.
“I thought I was finished fighting when I left Kochan.
How foolish of me. I didn't save my race.” I looked over at him.
“I stopped a few terrible people and gave my dead kin the justice they deserved, but today has shown me how shortsighted I was. On my walk here, I realized that if I want to make a lasting difference, I have to become Hallaxgral again. I have to continue to give justice to my people. Kochan is more aware now. I believe Claw Shinkai will see to it that all races are treated equally. But that is one city.”
“What are you thinking?” Vas whispered.
“I established myself as a brilliant crime figure. Someone to fear. Now, I want to use that reputation for good. I want people to know that when the King's laws fail them, there is someone they can turn to—someone who will help them.”
Vasren blinked. “Katai, I'm a Dragon knight, loyal to my king. I can't turn a blind eye to more criminal behavior.”
“It's criminal, but is it wrong? And can you be loyal to your mate and the King?”
Vasren frowned.
“Think about these things while I'm gone.” I stood up. “When I return, we can talk again. I'll find another place to live here in Sunsho, and you can visit me. If you still want to move forward.”
Vas hurried to his feet. “I can find you a home.”
“No, Vas. No more taking care of me. I will do this on my own, and then you can come to me as my equal. These are my terms.”
His jaw clenched, but then he loosened it and nodded. “All right.”
“No, think about it. Think about what I said and what I intend to do.
I'm not talking about becoming Hallaxgral for a few months.
I mean to do this for as long as I'm needed.
If you can't support that, you need to find a way to let me go.
Because I'm set on this path. I can feel the rightness of it.
I have to do this. I can't live as your useless pet anymore.
What a fucking waste of my mind and body.
What a waste of forever. No, I won't be that person. So, you need to decide if you want to be a part of who I will become.”
With that, I walked away from the man I loved more than anyone else but myself. And as I climbed the steps back into the manor, I felt as if I had finally surfaced from a deep sleep, full of both dreams and nightmares.