Chapter Nineteen
“Vas, I need to get my crew settled,” I said for the fourth time.
“I'm not leaving.” Vasren leaned back on the couch and took another swig from the bottle of wine. “It's been over a month since I've seen you. Let me take you out to dinner. It will be our first real date.”
“They will need to eat as well.”
“I'll have my steward take a few of them around the city and show them where to purchase supplies. He can introduce them to the grocers and such. Smooth their arrival.”
I paused. “Actually, that would be really helpful.”
“Then it's decided.” Vas surged to his feet and towered over me. His hands went to my face. “I'm excited to take you out.”
“We've gone out before.”
“You said we were starting over.” He tapped my nose. “And I haven't taken you to the sort of places I wanted to.”
I went still. “Why? Were you embarrassed by me?”
“No, Kat, I've always been proud to be with you. But with the way you refused to let me take you shopping or move you into a better apartment, I didn't want to wound your pride by taking you somewhere people dressed nicer than you could afford.”
Thinking of our last shopping excursion, I asked, “Is that why you had me prancing around that shop, trying on all those garments for you?”
“Compromise, remember?” He took my hand. “You may not need me to provide for or protect you, but I want to. For me, it's a type of affection, even respect.”
“Vas, it didn't feel respectful. I felt like a pet you were dressing up.”
Vasren's face fell. “I don't understand why you'd feel that way. I was taking pleasure in giving you things you liked and needed.”
“I had to manipulate you to get you to buy the things I wanted. You were going to choose for me.”
His eyes twitched. “Manipulate? I see. I didn't realize how my little Kat had me trained. It sounds as if I were the pet, not you.”
“I had to find a way to take back some control.”
Vasren took a deep breath and let it out. “We're starting anew. That means letting the past go. No more manipulations from you, and I won't try to control you.”
“Agreed.”
“But you need to tell me how you feel. I honestly don't see things as you do.
And I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I still want to take care of you.
I hope that you can understand it's not about control; it's about affection.” He stroked my cheek.
“It's my way of wooing you. You know, most people would be thrilled to have their lover lay presents at their feet. That's what we're supposed to do.”
“When you put it like that, it sounds better.” I grimaced. “I guess with us living apart and starting over, it won't feel as if you're dressing me for your pleasure.”
“Good.” Vas nuzzled my cheek and whispered in my ear, “Then maybe you could dress yourself for my pleasure.”
“That does feel as if I'd be the one in control.”
Vas eased back to meet my stare. “It baffles me that you can't see that you were always the one in control.”
I frowned as I searched his eyes. “No, I wasn't. Especially not after you took me from Tabaa.”
“I left the King's service to look for you. I crossed into another kingdom, tracking your scent. I tore you out of the arms of a Dragon King and carried you home in my talons. Katai, I have been at your feet from the very beginning.”
“Even when you ordered me to bend over for you?”
He flinched and staggered back as if I'd struck him. “What?”
“As if you don't remember? It wasn't so long ago.”
“You think I ordered you to do that? Dear Gods, are you saying that . . . did you not want to be with me? I swear, I believed you were willing. You said you would be Kat for me. Because you wanted to be with me. You said you loved me. I was speaking to you as a dominant lover, not a—”
I held up my hands. “Easy now, Vas.” I laid my hands on his chest and felt his racing heart. “Shhh, it's all right. I was willing. That's not what I'm saying.”
His wide eyes blinked, and he released a shaky breath. “Great fuck. How can two people who love each other see their relationship so differently?”
I dropped my hands from his chest. “Because you were furious with me.
Even when I was pretending to be someone else for you, I still felt your anger, and it colored everything you did in my eyes.
For fuck's sake, Vas, you made me repent by performing oral sex on you. Can't you see how wrong that is?”
“Katai, you told me that you wanted to make amends.
I thought you needed a way to prove how much you regretted what you did, but punishments usually include pain, and I couldn't hurt you. I thought that having you on your knees before me might work on a subconscious level to make you feel as if you had atoned, all without causing any physical harm. It had nothing to do with me.”
I blinked. “You . . . you're saying you did that for me?”
“I know that sounds strange, but yes. It was the only thing I could think of that wouldn't actually hurt you. I suppose I could have spanked you, but that felt silly.”
I snorted a laugh despite myself. My mind spun back, reviewing all those times I had “repented” for Vas. Little things came through now—things I had ignored before. Like how tight the skin around Vasren's eyes got when he looked down at me. How his hands had trembled. Shit.
“Vas, using sex as a punishment was wrong.”
“I see that now. I hope you can see that I wasn't as clear-headed as I usually am. My thoughts were jumbled with mating instincts, hormones, and emotions.” Vas rubbed a hand over his face and then took my hands in his.
“I don't ever want you to feel forced or used or owned, Katai.
I don't have the right to punish you for anything, and I don't want to. Yes, I was angry with you and heartbroken. I was too aggressive, but I never intended to force you. I would never do that.”
“I know, Vas. It's all right. You didn't force me. We both reacted poorly to things we misconstrued. I shouldn't have offered to be someone I wasn't, not even if that someone was an aspect of me. It's just that being someone you loved felt better than being someone you hated.”
“I have never hated you.”
“Vas, you literally said you hated me. You said it while you mated me.”
He swayed on his feet.
“Vas!” I steadied him.
Vas grabbed my shoulders and bent his head to me.
“Katai, I'm so sorry I said that. I was overwhelmed with magic and emotion.
You hurt me deeply, and right at the apex of that pain, the Goddess bound us.
It felt like a curse, and I blamed you for it.
But what I called hate was just a desperate cry for love.
I loved you, but I couldn't believe you when you said you loved me.
In my mind, your actions made it clear that you didn't. I would never leave you, no matter what it cost me, so it was hard for me to understand how you could leave me and still love me.” He fell to his knees.
“Ours must be the worst mating in the history of matings.
We misjudged each other over and over. We hurt each other without meaning to.
I know a large part of that is on me. I should have trusted the Goddess.
Her mating magic wouldn't have drawn us together if we weren't a perfect match.
I know now that you're the only person in all of Serai who can make me happy—the only soul who can fill my heart. The way I behaved is unforgivable. Yet, I must hope and ask—will you forgive me?”
A month apart had done this? I couldn't believe the change in Vas.
Or maybe it was all about perspective. Seeing it as he did—the way he had given up his entire life and the honor of his family to come after me, and then risked the wrath of another Dragon King—changed things.
We had both misinterpreted each other's actions, reacted in the worst ways, and escalated the situation.
It had been confusion coupled with misunderstanding over and over.
But I had always known this Vas—the man who knelt before me—was in him somewhere.
And this was the man I had fallen in love with.
Was that any different from his falling in love with Kat? It seemed as if we both had a lot to learn about each other.
“Yes, of course, I forgive you.” I pulled Vasren up and wrapped myself around him.
“Kat,” he whispered and held me. “I've made such terrible mistakes.”
“So have I. If you can forgive me for what I did, I can forgive you.” I stepped back. “But this doesn't change things. I don't want to go back to what we were.”
“Neither do I.” Vas took my hand. “I want it to be real this time. Show me who you are. Hold nothing back. And I will do the same.”
“All right, Mate. This time, you'll have all of me.”