Chapter Thirty-Nine
Vasren held me from behind as we stood at the railing of the Reprisal, watching the lights of Hidzi fade into the night.
It felt good to have someone literally at my back, even though his embrace was more about affection than protection.
Vas would provide both. And I was finally good with that.
Just because you're strong, it doesn't mean you don't need those things.
The ship's crew worked behind us, with the captain on the quarterdeck at the helm.
Even with them nearby, it felt peaceful.
There, surrounded by water, I finally felt as if we had time for ourselves without the mission looming.
The journey across the channel was a reprieve.
An intermission—literally a time between the two missions.
A few hours to process the things Vas had said to me. How far we'd come and what it meant.
“It won't always be like this,” I said. “The way Bara died . . .”
“I was all right with it.” Vasren tucked me in closer. “I would have killed him myself if I'd gotten free.”
“I know. What I'm saying is, you won't always be all right with what I do.” I turned in his embrace to face him. “I killed Bara. Not Eliel. I let him believe that because he needed to. But I killed him.”
“He was attacking us. It was—”
“Self-defense, yes, I know. I'm trying to tell you that I would have killed him either way.
I want you to think about how you'd feel if, instead of him coming into our home and attacking us, the situation were reversed. What if I had gone to him to finish things? What if I had killed all of his guards without realizing that they were victims too?”
“First of all, Bara deserved to die. No, he needed to die.
We couldn't let him live after what he'd done.
Had he been imprisoned, he could have shared his work with others.
It was too great a risk. Second, you would never kill without cause.
You stopped your people from killing those men, despite what they'd done, because you saw those ribbons. I may not have known all of you before, Katai, but I do now, and you are not so different from the man you first showed me.”
“If you think that, you don't know me at all.”
Vas cursed and shook his head. “You're not weak or submissive, but there was more to Kat than that.
I wouldn't have fallen in love with you if there hadn't been.
Meek men are everywhere, even pretty ones.
You think that I have a need to play the hero, and that's what attracted me to you, but you're wrong.
In fact, it's you who needs to play hero, Katai.
My need was about you—keeping you safe because I didn't think you were capable of protecting yourself.
Not because your weakness attracted me, but because your strength did.
I saw the power of your soul beneath that mask, and that was what drew me.
To me, you were a man who was surviving in a world made harsher for you merely because of your race.
I admired you then, and I admire you now. There's just more of you to admire.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn't. Everything spun in my head, trying to right itself.
Vas had loved the real me all along? He'd seen me beneath the mask?
Was that true? Looking into his eyes, feeling his honesty through our link, I knew it was.
I had underestimated him. Undervalued and underappreciated.
I was the one who hadn't seen truly. And yes, I was the one who wanted to be a hero.
It was suddenly so clear. All the faults I had laid at Vasren's feet I'd taken from my shoulders. I had shrugged them off and pushed them onto him. It was too scary to see the real him, so I accused him of never seeing the real me.
“Well, fuck,” I finally whispered.
Vasren burst out laughing. “Don't look so crestfallen, love.
I made mistakes too. Huge mistakes that I wish I could take back.
I was so angry with you. But when you left to build your crew, I had time to think.
I realized my anger stemmed from disappointment, and holding onto it wouldn't get me what I wanted.”
“What do you want, Vas?”
“I've told you over and over, my little Kat.” He kissed my forehead.
“I want a future with you. I want a life that makes both of us happy.
This mission of yours—I thought it would make me uncomfortable, and it has, but not in the ways I assumed it would.
Am I in full agreement with all of your methods?
No. And I'm sure we will argue over such matters in the future. But I am aligned with your purpose, motivation, and intentions. At the heart of things is your desire to help people and fight injustice. How could I disagree with that?”
“What are you saying?”
“I'm saying that I'm more certain now than I was before about us. We can make a difference.” He cupped my cheek.
“I used to think the only way I could be of use was to guard the King.
That was my purpose. But you've shown me that I can serve in other ways. I can follow my own path.” He grinned to add, “Or yours.”
“I don't mind sharing. It can be our path.”
“It will be. It is, Kat. This is ours.” Vas motioned at the water. “We don't have the power of a king, but we're not as limited either. We can go where they can't. Do what they can't do. We can be the law of the people. Their justice.”
I chuckled. “Look at you. Your eyes are practically glowing, and your cheeks are flushed. This suits you.”
“You suit me. All of this is you. The Goddess didn't just give me a mate. She gave me a new life. A new purpose. I feel as if you've woken me from a slumber I've been in since I became a knight. You've shown me that I can be more, Kat. There are no limits except those we impose on ourselves.”
“No limits,” I whispered. “Nothing will hold us back from being whatever we want to be.”
“And we've got eternity to figure that out.”
Vasren kissed me, and it was like a gong struck in my soul.
A beginning but also a continuation. Love transformed into a new version of itself.
My cells vibrated with the shift so that I trembled through the touch of his lips and the sweep of his tongue.
But the trembling was all right because Vas knew I was strong beneath it.
My mate knew who I was and, at last, so did I.