36. Rowan
Rowan
Rowan to Griffin
Come meet me in my room
Grey had regretfully left to go check on horde business, and I had slipped away, going back to my bedroom.
Once in my room, I padded over to the closet and rummaged around until I found the duffel bag I’d brought with me all those weeks ago.
The fact it had only been weeks since I’d arrived at North Oak was startling.
So much had happened, and I had changed in so many ways.
Change, it seemed, didn’t care about time.
It was going full steam ahead, whether or not I could keep up.
After pulling the duffel bag out, I tossed it onto the bed. Searching through the contents, I took stock of what I had. My clothing had tripled in the last few weeks, thanks to the shopping and gifts, so I pulled out a few simple T-shirts from my dresser and shoved them in.
“What are we doing here?” Griffin asked, entering my room without even knocking.
“Griff…” I trailed off, pausing as I turned to look at him, my stomach twisting in knots.
“Why do you have your bags out?” he asked, his face changing from grinning to concern in less than a second. “Did the guys do something? You can’t leave.”
His eyes raked over me in my disheveled state, and a flicker of understanding lit up before Griff quickly replaced it with more concern.
It was obvious what I’d been doing. Maybe I should have cleaned myself up before texting Griff, but I needed to put my plan into motion immediately; otherwise, I was going to chicken out, and I couldn’t do that. I’d been putting this off for too long.
“No. They’ve done nothing wrong. They were amazing. I just…” I took a deep breath, running a hand through my hair. “Griffin, if I ask a favor of you, will you do it?”
“You know I will,” he said, stepping forward so he was closer to me, that look of concern only intensifying. “But I want you to explain exactly what that is. Do I need to punch someone? I’ll be there for you in a heartbeat, and I’ll also take a punch for you, but I’d rather avoid that again. “
He sniffed the air as I stood there, his stare narrowing. “You smell distinctly like three of our Alphas.”
“Don’t worry, no one’s going to punch you again. At least, I don’t think they are.” I smirked, feeling the need to break the tension.
“Explain what’s going on.”
“I hate not knowing,” I said softly. “What happened, Griff? Why can’t I remember? I need to figure out what happened to me.”
“I know, but it’s not like we have many options. Kiki said your memories may return over time, but it’s unlikely. I’m not sure what else we can do.”
I’d spent the first few weeks after waking up desperately trying to remember until I’d accepted the fact that my memories were long gone and the grief settled in my chest, giving me a kind of peace.
Now, that serenity had been destroyed and I needed to know.
I needed to remember what I had once been, who I had once been, the painful nightmares haunting me so much more frequently of late.
Griffin sat on the edge of my bed as I unpacked and repacked my duffel several times, my brain not sure what I wanted to bring with me.
Eventually, I voiced the true request, letting the words ghost out of me. “What if I asked you to take me there?”
“Take you where? Why do you want to leave, Ro?” Griff shook his head as he came over to me, taking my hand.
“I don’t want to leave. I want to understand. So… take me. To where it happened. To that cabin where I met the guys and spent the summer.” I was so tense, gripping the handles of the duffel like I intended to tear them off.
Griffin paused for a moment before answering, carefully considering his words, and I appreciated that he hadn’t jumped right to yelling at me. “There could be merit in that, but don’t you want them to take you? They’re your mates.”
I shook my head. “No, I want to do this for myself. I need to go. I need to see whether it will jog any memories. I need to try. The way I feel about them…” I said, shoving one of my T-shirts into the bag perhaps a little too hard.
“They remember. It haunts them, but at least nothing is missing. I feel like a giant chunk of who I am just disappeared.”
“You know I’d go to the ends of the earth with you, Rowan,” he uttered. “I just want you to understand how serious this is.”
For some reason, the softness of his words made the ache in my chest even more intense. I chewed on my lip, my leg shaking as I stood at the foot of my bed, still clutching my duffel in my free hand.
“I need to give it a shot. I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with them, and…” I sighed, dropping my head as the tension abruptly left me, replaced by an exhaustion that was bone deep.
Griff chuckled, turning me to face him. “Well, anyone with eyes can see that. Rowan, I know you’re terrified, but you’ve built a home here.
Whether you meant to or not, it has happened.
With every patient you saw and every friendship you developed, you’ve turned this place into your home.
And it’s here to welcome you. Your past won’t change that.
The Alphas aren’t the only ones who love you. ”
Tears gathered in my eyes, quickly spilling over as I roughly wiped them away with the back of my hand. “I-I just need to see it. Even if I don’t remember… I need to close that door, once and for all.”
“In that case, I’ll pack a bag. We can be on the road in the next hour,” Griffin said, nodding. “I’ve got your back. Always.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. The tears were flowing freely now, and I let Griff pull me into a hug.
“Are you going to tell them?” he asked, his voice so close to my ear.
“I don’t know.” My voice cracked in the quiet of the room.
“Either you or I have to,” he stated in a reasonable tone. “We both know they’ll freak out if you vanish, especially after what you guys got up to last night.”
“I should be able to just up and leave if I want to,” I growled, unsure why I felt so defensive. “That’s the way it’s always been.”
Griffin chuckled, pulling me back to look at me. “That’s because you’ve never set down roots. No one in your life really had that ‘important’ role. Sure, we’ve been friends for ages. But that’s just it. I’m your friend. They’re your mates. That means a lot more.”
“I didn’t put down any roots here. They grew around me, anchoring me to this place, to this horde. I didn’t consciously choose it. Or them.”
Sighing, Griffin met my eyes hard. “If you knew what happened all those years ago and knew you were safe, would it change things?”
“I think it would change everything,” I said, sitting on the bed, him quickly joining me.
“My feelings for them are so intense, and I know it’s the mate bond.
Only, there’s something holding us back, particularly with Bastian.
It’s something to do with my past. Until I confront it, I don’t think I can move forward. ”
“And if you don’t remember anything?” Griff raised his brows at me.
“Well, that’ll mean something, too. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”
“Do you want me to talk to them?” he offered.
“No.” I shook my head. “I can’t tell them the truth about where I’m going. They’ll freak out and worry. I’ll tell them I’m going to help someone in a nearby horde. That it’s just a few days’ healing trip, and I’ll be back.”
“Do you think they’ll believe that?”
Nodding, I tried to ignore the growing tension in my gut. “We’ll take my SUV.”
“Rowan, I-I don’t like it. You should tell them the truth.”
I leaned back, blowing out an exhale. “They’d want to come. I don’t think I can do this with them hovering around. I need to see what I remember on my own. With no outside influence.”
Griffin sighed. “That makes sense. I’m here for you, Ro. I mean it. You say jump, I say how high.”
I squeezed Griffin’s hand. Standing, I wiped the last of my tears away, ready as I’d ever be to do this. “Okay, I need to pack. Can you fuel up my SUV? It’s a long drive.” “Sure, we can be there and back in a few days,” he nodded.
“A few days?”
He grinned sheepishly. “Yeah. I may have been exaggerating when I told you it was a three-day drive. It’s like half that. I just didn’t want you panicking, thinking the cabin was close…”
“Griff!” I swatted at him. I wasn’t going to admit it, but I couldn’t fault his logic. When he’d first told me about the cabin, I was ready to run for the hills. “Go do useful things!”
“Road trip!” Griff shouted happily, standing and throwing his arms in the air like an excited toddler. I could tell he was putting on a show, and just like always, I really appreciated it.
Orsen was outside, helping a few dragons pick up trash and clean after the activities of the previous night. The horde had stayed up celebrating half the night.
“Hey,” I greeted.
His face lit up at the sight of me, and he didn’t hesitate, pulling me into a hug and kissing me.
“Morning,” he replied.
“Heya,” I whispered, beaming at him. “I’m sorry to disturb you, but I just wanted to let you know that I’ve got to leave for a few days.”
His eyes snapped wide, and he stood up straight, holding me tight as his touch grew possessive, making my chest pinch as I heard the truth ringing in my head.
“Where are you going?” he asked, unmistakable panic in his eyes.
“I’m just going over to the East Lake Horde to deliver some salves and poultices and check in on a pregnancy there. They reached out to me, and I want to help them. No need to worry.”
“We’ll go with you,” he said, already moving.
“No, no. Don’t worry. I’ve already spoken to Griffin.
He’s going with me. In fact, he’s going to drive my SUV.
It could do with a little use.” I chuckled lightly, shrugging like this was nothing, like this wasn’t enormous and slowly driving me insane.
“You guys have important work to do here. I don’t want to pull you away.
I promise to be back as soon as I can. It’s just a quick work trip. ”
“Nothing is more important than you.” Orsen’s voice was reverent as he tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. “This isn’t because of last night?”
My face flushed. “Last night was amazing. No regrets,” I said honestly.
Orsen sighed, kissing the top of my head. “Keep in touch? Just so we don’t go climbing the walls with worry?”
“Thank you.” I leaned in to kiss him gently. “It’ll only be a few days. I’ll be back before you know it. I’m not leaving for good, I promise.”
I smiled, the relief on his face sinking into me like warm water. The tension in his muscles eased somewhat, and I forced myself not to think about the nausea swirling in my stomach.
“I don’t like it. I want to insist you stay here, but I know you’d hate me for that.” Orsen frowned, laughing at himself after a second.
“I would,” I agreed, lightly patting his cheek. “I promise you, I’m coming back. Griff refuses to lose his best friend again.”
Orsen chuckled, cupping my cheek. “Be safe, and please come home soon.”
“I will, don’t you worry,” I said, kissing him lightly before pulling away from him, and even if I didn’t want to admit it, I was just as eager to get back there… To get back home.