Chapter 5 #2
She crossed her arms on the railing and rested her forehead on them.
Having Jayce here was a peculiar mix of relaxation and stress.
She longed to trust him, yet she knew it was foolish.
Jayce had always been elusive, even from the day he rescued her from the crowd at the Idle Fox.
Everything seemed hazy whenever she reminisced about those moments with him, as if there was some sort of filter whenever he crossed her mind.
“Before you quit,” she said with emphasis, “the White Cloaks, was there anything of value the King learned about me?”
“Yes,” Jayce was quick with his response again, “he met with… interested parties that were seemingly somehow involved with you, plus his generals and myself.”
“Interested parties?” She said, surprised.
There was a brief pause, but he answered, “The Fae’s new Elder, Jaakobai, and the Goddess of War.”
Azahara shot up so quickly that she slipped on the slick floor; Jayce’s arm was behind her waist to grab her before she fell. His opposite hand took hers, steadying her.
“The goddess…?” Her voice broke in several places, and she felt her heart racing frantically.
Jayce nodded, removing the hand from around her back, only to bring it to her forearm to keep her steady. Was she wobbling? Or was that the ship?
Then that means Jaakobai told them everything about me. They knew about Death. About... Goddrick? Panic surged, and she pulled her hand away from his, cursing.
“Then you know,” she said, looking down at his hand on her forearm. “You know what I am.”
“I know who you are.” Everything was spinning, and her stomach was tumbling. If they knew what she was and summoned the gods, this was not her running from the likes of mortals anymore.
“I cannot allow you, a mortal blessed with the power of the gods, to destroy using what we have mistakenly given you. I do not want to fight you, but I will.”
Her body was beginning to fold, the trembling that would take over her body, and the need to run flooded her. The realm would collapse around her, trapping her under the rubble, for her only to survive and suffer eternally.
Before it got to that point, Jayce had his arms around her—his embrace parting the way for light to seep through. The rumbling in her chest began to slow, and as quickly as the panic attack started, it was demolished in his grip.
She swallowed, her head turning to rest against his chest. His heartbeat was steady, with no trace of worry in its rhythm.
“What do you know…”
“Not as much as you think,” his fingers brushed through the coils of her hair while his opposite arm held steady across her shoulders, “you have the gods’ and Deaths’ power.”
His touch caused her to straighten her back, and it felt far too intimate of a gesture. An emptiness gnawed at her chest, conflicting with the part of her brain that wanted to push him away.
There was another beat of silence. But the goddess? How? Why was she there? Why in the world would she answer the call? They never dealt with mortal issues. Except… I’m not mortal anymore. I am their problem. Fuck…
“I don’t think them knowing that matters, what does, was the power you displayed. They could care less where it came from, especially the King. He is afraid of you.”
“As he should be, I’m a monster….”
“Azahara—” She realized he was tightening his hold on her, his body radiating heat like an animal. She pushed herself away from him, and thankfully, he didn’t fight for possession, allowing her to lean back and face him.
“Karver told me that Thall threatened Kaed’s life, and instead of running to him, you stayed and saved his life. You are not the monster they, and you, portray yourself to be.”
Azahara stared at him while staying muted.
“Everyone says they are sorry,” he said, placing one of his hands on the side of her neck, “I’m sorry for so much, but above all else, your loss.”
To her surprise, she didn’t immediately start crying.
It was the first time someone had acknowledged that her pain was directly related to Kaed. His death was the single point of destruction that set her in motion, getting her to where she is now. Losing him was the pinnacle of her suffering.
Although she hadn’t shed a single tear, her expression remained lifeless, marking her face with an unmistakable pain. Jayce didn’t look away; instead, he stared down at her as she looked up.
“I should have died that day. Not him.”
Jayce, surprisingly, did not say anything. He only lowered his gaze and shook his head in disagreement.
“Yes. Kaed was good. He—” Her shoulders dropped, and she deadpanned. “His life mattered, not mine.” She paused, looking between his eyes, “Mine should have ended long ago.”
“Don’t—Please,” he took a deep breath as if trying to calm himself before continuing, “don’t say that.”
She didn’t want to ignore the way that made her heart feel safe, but she did and continued, “I am a monster. I can’t even let Kaed go.”
Physically, she couldn’t release Kaed. His soul remained trapped between this plane and Purgatory because she lacked the strength to let him move on. That was what she meant, not emotionally or in her heart. He was gone, and she wasn’t prepared to release him beyond this existence.
“No one would ask that of you,” he said, trying to reach her. She wanted to understand why. Why did he care so damn much?
“I don’t think I will ever be able to,” she said flatly, “and forever is a long time for someone that lives for eternity.”
Jayce didn’t appear surprised by the comment. It was probably another detail he had learned from Jaakobai in his obsession with her. He was likely manipulating the King, just as he had done with his father and Thall.
“I am a monster, whether you choose to believe that or not,” she continued, moving away from the conversation revolving around Kaed.
“When they come for me, to try and kill me, I will lose control and destroy them and everyone around me. I am not afraid of death; I welcome it. I am not afraid of your King or Jaakobai or the gods.” Maybe it was a realization as much for him as it was for her, “I am terrified of myself.”
“I’m not.” He said, a strength behind his words. “You don’t scare me.”
She gave an exasperated eye roll and shook her head, finding the strength to finally pull herself away from him, “You weren’t there. I could destroy this ship in an instant. One slip of my emotions, one memory I can’t overcome, everything and everyone—ash.”
“I won’t let you,” he never once faltered. His strength did not come from Magic or the gods; he was merely human, yet he stood there as though he were immortal.
She groaned out, “Okay, Jayce.” Pausing briefly, shaking her head in consternation. “If you say so.”
He took a deep breath and sighed through closed lips.
A silence hung between them, thick with uncertainty. Azahara used to despise these moments, but now she longed for them.
Breaking the silence after a beat, she said, “Thank you,” and placed one of her hands on her other arm, squeezing it and leaning to the side. She looked around Jayce, ready to slip back into her room, hopefully without Alyse finding a reason to engage with her.
Jayce gently directed her chin to face him, wearing a compassionate expression. “If I could—”
Her eyebrows furrowed as she cut him off, “Why do you keep doing that?”
Jayce hummed in question.
She remembered the first time he had lifted her chin to meet his eyes. It was back in the Idle Fox after he’d pulled her from the mob of people as if he had some claim on her gaze—a natural reaction to her looking away from him.
“Oh,” he moved his hand after realization hit, “I’m not sure.”
Azahara then stepped away from him, her eyes weary. “Try your best to refrain.”
Unfazed, he chuckled, “I’ll do my best—” It seemed he hadn’t finished his sentence, the way he pressed his lips and shifted his gaze away.
She didn’t care, “I think I’ll retire.”
“It’s dinner time though, I was hoping we could—”
“You think that things have changed?” Her stare was cold. “I’ve thanked my enemies before, Commander. You’re still getting off this ship in Dogon.”
She was deliberately trying to hurt him. However, Jayce didn’t seem affected by her words. He still had that smile plastered on his face while shaking his head.
“I’ll see you in the morning, then.” Jayce stepped aside, allowing her to walk past him.
Infuriating! Why can’t you take the hint? She cursed under her breath as she passed him. Another huff of laughter escaped him, and she had no idea where she found the restraint not to turn and toss him overboard.
As she made her way towards her room, wide arms wrapped around her neck and hugged her. “Huh?” She looked, and it was Rowlin. He was slightly taller than her, but unlike every other male she had contact with, he didn’t tower over her.
“Hi,” she saw him sign when his arms released her, “do you want to have dinner?”
Azahara looked up at Jayce, leaning against the railing with his arms across his chest and smirking. By the Mother, why am I so drawn to him?
“You know,” she signed, “yeah actually, I’m famished.”
She dared a peek back at Jayce, who pissed her off by continuing to smile as if he were happy that she had decided to have dinner with Rowlin. Her nostrils flared, and he laughed instantly.
Mouthing ‘fuck you’ at him, she laced her arm around Rowlin’s and headed down with him to the mess deck.
She enjoyed her time with Rowlin at dinner; Jayce had followed them down but sat at a completely different table. Alyse joined not too long afterward, but only after Azahara learned that Rowlin and her were complete opposites.