Chapter 9 #2
“Rah, a shapeshifter according to historians, sought out the Mother for guidance on how to save the realm. There isn’t any text on why he did, but it’s assumed that it was on the brink of collapse.
It is the only reasonable explanation that the Mother would call to gift him the four points that held it together: Life, Death, Power, and Magic.
“While the Mother only governs Magic, she called upon her friends, the God of Might, Death itself, and Ilkiz. With their combined power, Rah was given the means to reshape and create an entirely new reality. One of which would begin anew, wipe out history, and start a new future.
“It was said that Rah killed all living creatures besides Ilkiz and her dragons, but I don’t necessarily believe that.”
Jayce cut in before she could continue, “Why is that?”
“Someone doesn’t willingly give up their life to destroy what they are trying to save.
” She could see the confusion in his expression.
“The power gifted to Rah was too much for his body to maintain, and in the end, it killed him. So, I have a hard time believing that someone who knew they would die because of the Reshaping, would willingly kill… likely millions.”
To her surprise, he seemed distraught, “I see.” His tone was raw.
“Does that surprise you?” She was puzzled by his reaction, “He held four of the most powerful beings within him. A mere shapeshifter, equivalent to that of a human, can barely manage Magic, let alone the other three. I’m surprised I haven’t been obliterated yet.”
She shouldn’t have made that comment. Regret immediately pulled at her as she stared at Jayce, who had bumps lining his arms, anger riddling his expression.
When her lips parted to speak, he cut her off, “If you could refrain from talking about your demise as though it is just another time of the day, I would appreciate it.”
“Sorry—I didn’t mean to,” she lowered her gaze, “death is just something…” Her lips pressed together, and this time, she shut herself up. Death couldn’t take her. She wasn’t allowed to leave this realm, even though that was the only thing she desired.
“So what, then, you are going to Ilkiz to get another point of his star?” Jayce tried his hardest not to sound upset while moving the conversation along. “Then next, Magic? Is your goal to reshape this—”
“I don’t want that,” she was flustered, “I never asked for this shit!!” The anger wasn’t directed toward Jayce.
She knew he wasn’t trying to upset her. “Five centuries ago, I only wanted a mundane, boring life. To live and then die like a normal human.” The desire to scream nearly became unbearable to resist, so she quickly continued.
“My life was nothing spectacular, and I was okay with that. I took care of my siblings and helped raise them. I put everyone’s needs before my own.
I should have been gone, married off, and bearing some nobleman’s children.
Instead, I stayed because they needed me.
” She was rambling, and he would not know what she was saying.
“I just wanted to be happy. Isn’t that what everyone wants? Instead, do you know what I got? Misery. I never asked to be cursed by an obsessive—” Her hand clapped over her mouth so quickly it caused her to wince.
“Please… continue…” His words were delivered with a forceful and vehement tone.
She didn’t want to look at him. Everything was spinning around her. Great job, Azahara, what the fuck?! She scolded herself, cursing internally every word she could fathom.
“Jayce, I’m sorry, I can’t. That was so stupid of me.” She buried her face in her hands. “No, I’m not going to Ilkiz—”
He moved towards her with a silent stride, and upon reaching her, he gently but firmly peeled her hands away from her face, prompting a sharp intake of breath.
He groaned in frustration. The grasp on her wrists carried a quiet but undeniable strength, his thumbs pressing into her palms with a potent force.
“Why are you afraid to tell me?” His tone still manifested anger, but she knew it wasn’t towards her, or at least not directly. She kept her head down, her hands limp in his grasp.
“Because it is insignificant information that would only put you in danger.”
His frustration faltered, “Look at me, please. I’m not angry with you.”
A light laugh escaped that held no humor, “I know you aren’t.” She then tilted her head, seeing his warm eyes filled with remorse. “You don’t deserve the trouble it could cause you if I told you my story.”
“I won’t ask again.”
“Overbearing…” They both smiled at the same time, “…a god. A god cursed me.” His hands squeezed hers, “To live for eternity, to forget my memories every year, until I accepted being his. Except… I now remember everything. So,” she slipped her hands away from his grasp, “I’m going to Ilkiz because I have nowhere else to go.
“It is the only place that makes sense. I don’t seek the power of Ilkiz to reshape this world, and to be honest, how am I supposed to obtain something that no longer exists?
As for the Magic,” she cleared her throat and leaned back on her hands, trying to put distance between them, even if he was standing between her spread legs, “I had the opportunity to take it after I destroyed Thall…
“I have no desire to do anything for this realm. I’m not its protector.”
Jayce’s eyes darkened, not moving from before her, “Is the gods name Goddrick?”
She only nodded her head and watched as his eye twitched. “I see,” he deadpanned and stepped away from her. “I need to go help get ready for tonight.”
“Jayce—”
“I’ll see you tonight,” His hand gently patted her leg before he stepped away and nearly ran to the stairs, disappearing into the ship. Pure shock and confusion marred her face. What the fuck just happened?
She was left sitting there, alone, staring down at the stairway. Why are you here, Jayce?
She felt horrible.
Absolutely horrible.
After waiting only a few minutes to see if Jayce would return, which he didn’t, she tried to find Rowlin.
He had been preparing for that night, and even Xol couldn’t be bothered.
Azahara wouldn’t have objected to having Xol stare at her if it meant the feeling would shift from sickness to awkwardness.
Finding Alyse moving around barrels, Azahara nearly had to beg her to give her something to do. Finally conceding, she was tasked to cook something to snack on while everyone got drunk and likely passed out on the hull.
Without needing to be told where to go, she made her way downstairs to the kitchen.
She hoped she would run into Jayce carrying up the barrels from the lower deck, but she didn’t.
He was elusive when he wanted to be, and she wondered if there were secret passageways throughout the ship that she was unaware of.
Deciding on potatoes, colorful peppers, and beef skewers, she got to work. Alyse only commented that Xol didn’t eat meat, so she would pay mind to make a few without the beef attached.
She forgot how much being in the kitchen calmed her, especially when she was in it alone.
Not that she ever hated having Kaed or Illyan with her while she cooked, but something about creating the magic herself brought her a sense of pride.
It was her thing that she could do and do well.
Nothing special was needed, just her hands and the time to do it.
Thankfully, she had plenty of time to make enough food for everyone.
She got carried away and baked a few pies with the fruits, seemingly on their last day of life.
The ship’s kitchen had everything she needed.
She cleaned up and put everything away before asking for help to bring everything upstairs.
Things were in full swing when she made her way up the stairs to the hull, a tray in hand with skewers stacked on top of one another.
“Zayne, Lucala—” They were the two cooks on the ship, both dark-skinned druids who looked no older than Mel and Skyy did in the year leading up to her curse.
The two turned to her, “Do you mind grabbing the other trays downstairs? There are four pies, sliced, and another thing of these.” She lifted her pan and moved towards the few barrels used as a table.
They gave her the thumbs up and rushed past her to grab the rest of the food.
“By the gods, those smell delicious.” Yelena strolled towards her, leaning over and taking in a prolonged, heavy air intake through her nose. “May I?”
“Please, they are for everyone.”
Everyone seemed to flood over just as Zayne and Lucala returned with the rest of them, and Azahara stepped away to allow them space.
The number of groans and moans that were received after they took their first bites made her blush. It was like feeding her family again, making her want to cry. Those tears, they would have been happy ones. The kind she hadn’t shed in a long, long time.
Everyone, including Tillin and Zephyra, who surprised her over everything else, thanked her and told her how great both the skewers and the pies were. Xol had acknowledged with a tiny head nod in appreciation of Azahara thinking of her.
The absence of Jayce was gnawing at her. The barrels of ale were up on the hull, indicating that he had been there, but disappeared elsewhere before she could cross paths with him. He was, again, making her think that the ship had secret tunnels.
Once everyone was done devouring her food, they began drinking. At the same time, Darian pulled out a violin, and Carmen started singing in Elvish. Soon, with how they were all drinking, no one would know North from South.
Alyse, Rowlin, and Théodore tried to get her to drink and dance with them, but she opted to sit on the sidelines and enjoy their movements.
She explained that it was like watching a show.
Slowly but surely, the climax would come when everyone was too intoxicated to know their part of the story, and the comedy would ensue.
They all conceded and went back to their fun. Everyone enjoyed each other as one big family. Even Xol, who was only moving her shoulders was, she supposed, having a good time.
When Azahara blinked, she was brought back to the Idle Fox. She saw herself walking down the stairs, overthinking, and unable to keep herself upright because of her nerves.
“You are absolutely stunning.” Kaed’s familiar voice echoed in her head. She dropped her gaze to the floor. “You’re turning red.” She choked on a sob. “It’s my favorite color.” Tears brimmed in her eyes, and she stood and turned quickly from the crew.
While every memory of Kaed was beautiful, it always ended with the knowledge that he was laying lifeless in a void. His soul trapped because of her inability to let him go. She was weak, and in moments like this, she knew how much of a coward she really was.
Putting her head into her hands, she let the tears fall.
The memory of him taking her onto the balcony that night ripped her chest open. Her heart was bare and exposed, threatening to stop and end her suffering. The voice of Zhal, hoping that one day she could have her alone, broke her to pieces. Illyan, asking Kaed to dance, and him conceding.
That memory would live on in her mind as the best night to cause her absolute turmoil for eternity. She would never get that moment back, and pretending she could ever have it again was blasphemy. It made her feel guilty for standing near any semblance of happiness and joy.
As though she didn’t deserve even the thought of moving on.
Her legs were in full motion before her brain realized what she was doing. The stairs were taken quickly. Nearly ten steps turned to three when she was down to the second floor.
“Jayce?!” She called for him, and she didn’t know why.
When there was no answer, she ran down the next stairs, nearly tripping as she came to the third floor. “Jayce?!” Once again, silence. Only the sounds of the fading music above her as she rushed down the final flight, the darkest of them, which happened to be the storage facility.
“Jayce…”
Silence. The sounds from the hull were but a muffled buzz in her ears. It was still far too loud for her.
She wandered around, barely able to see two feet in front of her with how dark it was down there.
None of the lanterns were lit, which made sense if they had no business there.
It was another indication that Jayce wouldn’t be there.
Still, she found herself weaving through the boxes and barrels until the sounds of the hull were gone entirely.
Then, she found a space on the floor and sat.
She wasn’t sure why she even ran to find Jayce.
He couldn’t bring Kaed back. He couldn’t undo the past. Why was she searching for him then? He couldn’t do anything for her.
Slipping from a seated position, she lay on the ship’s floor. She was feeling the waves closely crashing against its belly. The swaying back and forth cradled her and soothed her into a quiet, dark sleep.
She didn’t want to dream. Whether it was about Goddrick or Kaed, she wanted to stay in silent darkness and float in its embrace.
“I’m sorry, Sunshine.” Sam’s pained voice came through the winnox.
It’s okay. I’m no stranger to pain. She knew her voice sounded just as pathetic as she felt.
“You don’t deserve this,” it felt as though he was caressing her through her window.
Who does?
“Not you. Anyone but you.”