Chapter 11
I
’m unsure how I know I am dreaming, but I can tell. It’s like the space around me is fake, even if it holds an element of the truth. When I breathe, it tastes like perfume, which makes my tongue tingle.
“Lucid dreams. Fun, aren’t they?”
“When I’m alone.” I turned to see evil incarnate, Goddrick, standing there in my room. The sanctuary that was supposed to be mine on this ship. “What do you want?”
He was looking around then, taking in the sights. Remember, it’s just a dream. He can’t hurt me here.
“Are you warding me, Little Mouse?”
Narrowing my eyes and pulling my brows together, I scoffed, “Warding you? I don’t wield Magic like that.” My tone was harsh, nearly condescending. Goddrick knew that I held no incline in Magic, so why would he even insinuate it?
“Maybe you are doing it subconsciously,” he took a step towards me, and instinctively, I took one back. “Do you know what you did to me? With that little trick of yours.”
I laughed, “Trick?”
Goddrick’s stare was fixed, intense, piercing me like daggers forged from malevolence. “Yes, dying intentionally and somehow pinning it on my little wrist slip.”
“Slip —slip!!?? You broke my neck! All because you didn’t get what you wanted!” My voice rose, and I feared I was screaming beyond the dream. The fear melted into terror as Goddrick was in front of me in an instant.
This is a dream; he can’t hurt me here.
His gaze chilled me to the bone, and my body trembled under the pressure of it.
I could see the fury in his face, the eye twitch and flare of his nostrils. “What do you want, Goddrick?”
“Now that you have your memories back,” he turned from me and walked throughout the room, touching the furniture as he passed. “I’m wondering if you are remembering everything.”
Without hesitation, I responded, “I remember everything and am slowly seeing more of how much of a piece of shit you truly are. My decision to never give myself to you was the right choice.”
He laughed, stretching his hand and pointing towards me, “You say that as if you weren’t the one that sought me out, Little Mouse.”
A laugh slipped past my lips, and I shook my head, “You’re delusional.”
“Am I?” He sauntered back to me, his hand coming up and caressing my cheek. I could feel him as though he was there, which made an acidic taste creep up my throat. “Or are you too traumatized to see? Shall I tell you the truth?”
His nails were sharp, pressing into my skin and threatening violence.
“You came to me that day. You turned my hourglass. You hated your life and begged me to take you from it.” My head was shaking, even though I didn’t direct it.
“Oh, but it is true. You only want to remember your sister turning it because you want to be the hero deep down. You want to be the victim in your story.”
My vision was blurring, and rage began to pour over it, “You are a fucking liar.”
“Why wouldn’t I have cursed your sister then?
” No, don’t listen to him. He is lying. “You hated your life. Your parents locked you away to help care for them and their needs, and you, poor Azahara, watched as everyone lived a life for themselves. You—” Every part of my body tingled, and I was again on the precipice.
I was going to go over the ledge. “You were going to die unhappy, and you needed an escape.”
“No. No.” I was shaking my head so hard that my eyes could not focus on Goddrick standing mere inches from me.
“My power scared you, and you retreated, but it was too late. I couldn’t let you go after seeing how miserable you were.”
“No, no—no,” I kept repeating it, kept saying the word, even as he spoke over me. “Stop it—”
“You play the victim so well.” His hands came to both sides of my face, lifting me to his gaze.
“I love it: my Dikos Mou, the manipulator. You have everyone wrapped around your finger.” He bit his lip, making me want to vomit, “Oh, what we could do to this world if you would just give up this little charade. Hmm?”
I was so lost. I didn’t know up from down. Good from evil.
“No—” I had no other words in my voice box. It was the only thing I could muster.
“Just know your little trick didn’t work, and they believed me.
” He laughed, his hands squeezing at my face, “As if they would take the word of a mere human, deranged and seeking the power of Rah to annihilate this world.” I panicked; every bit of my strength was gone, as fear took hold of my heart and tore it from my body. “Over their own kind.”
“No—I don’t—”
It’s a dream…
I am dreaming; why am I afraid in my own head? Why did I care about what happened five hundred years ago? So what if they treated me like shit? So what if I wasn’t happy then? I’m not happy now. Why did I care so much that I was used? It wasn’t like I wasn’t being used right now.
Who cared that Goddrick was back? It wasn’t like I was ignorant enough to think he was truly dead and gone. Deep down, I knew they wouldn’t reprimand him for what he did to me for five centuries.
He was going to hurt me regardless of whether I was afraid or not.
“Okay.” I felt my voice strengthen, “Continue making me the victim,” His facade broke ever so slightly, and I smiled without happiness, “Hurt me. I don’t care. So-what if I was mistreated, so-what if I turned your hourglass, so-what if you weren’t punished?”
Goddrick tilted his head, watching me, “Interesting.”
“This isn’t a memory where I have no control of the outcome.
This is my head, present day, where even if you hurt me, I’ll wake up safe.
” That wasn’t necessarily true, and I knew it.
Goddrick could be anywhere, anytime, but something kept him from physically coming for me.
Was it possible I was putting wards around me without knowing it?
Sure. How? I didn’t have the answer to that question, not yet, at least.
He smiled, and it wasn’t friendly, “When I come to punish you outside of your head, Little Mouse, please show me this resilience.”
I knew my heart was beating rapidly against my chest. I felt my breathing pick up, but I had to stay strong.
“Because I want to break it, and Dikos Mou,” His lips closed in on mine, and I felt his following words as they rolled from his tongue onto mine, “It’s going to hurt.”
She was upright in bed then, hyperventilating and gripping at the fabric of her frazzled black gown.
Heart pounding and sweat dripping from her forehead, she fought to steady her breathing.
The fear and anxiety still gripped her, even as strong as she had been in those last moments, making it difficult to distinguish whether she was awake or dreaming.
“Aza—”
Absolute terror ripped through her as she jerked her head to the side, eyes widened, and tears brimming them.
Only for her to see Jayce kneeling at the side of her bed, staring up at her. She felt her jaw trembling and swallowed the large lump that had gathered, keeping her from screaming in that moment.
“What…” She shook her head and wiped her eyes, clearing the fog and confirming that he genuinely was sitting there. “What are you doing here?”
Heat rose to her face as embarrassment flooded her entire being. “Was I—”
“No, you weren’t screaming.”
The surprise must have been lacing her expression because he immediately responded, “I felt your fear, and I came to check on you.” She moved her hand down onto his, which was shaking, and he instantly held it. “I was going to try to wake you, but you just stopped fighting, and then you woke up.”
She turned away, knowing the exact time he had found her. The flood of confidence she felt, the power to take her dream back, what if it had been because of him? Maybe she hadn’t done it alone.
That thought didn’t make her feel better; it only angered her deep down. Did she not have the power to fight for herself? Would she always be relying on the strength of others?
She would always be a failure to herself and to those around her. Illyan was wrong; she isn’t strong.
“Azahara, what happened?” His voice was calming, filled with worry, and it felt like a lullaby trying to put her back to sleep, as if Magic was trying to put her back into the darkness.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she responded flatly.
Jayce squeezed her hand, “Please…”
Speaking it would make it real, and she didn’t want it to be. She wanted to play in the ignorance of her mind and forget it ever happened. Forget that she may have done this to herself.
Taking her hand from his, she slipped from the bed and walked towards the front door. Before her hand touched the knob, Jayce had her arm, pulling her backward. “Where are you going?” His tone was forceful, more so than she had ever heard before.
“To forget. Let me go.”
“Aza, don’t push me away.” He was pleading, his lips forming a straight line and his eyes sinking, “Please.”
“I’m not,” His expression softened, but he didn’t release her, “I don’t want to push you away, Jayce, so please, don’t make me.” He took a deep breath and loosened his grip, allowing her to swing the door open and exit the room.
Alyse had mentioned that they would do another round of drinks with the newest supplies, and the music was still going. It meant that it was early in the night, and Azahara was thankful for it.
As she approached the hull where everyone was gathered, Xol stepped in front of her, halting her.
“Xol—excuse me.” Azahara pulled her eyebrows together, “I’m… yes?”
At that moment, she thought she might have been still dreaming.
“What are you doing?” Xol said, and Azahara nearly turned around and went back to bed.
The voice was nothing like she had ever heard before.
Clear of imperfection, as though not used and worn.
It was beautiful and ultimately caught her off guard.
Not just for the sound, but the fact that she finally spoke to her.
Her mouth slowly parted, and she finally said, “So you do speak.”