Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
hayden
PRESENT DAY
Sierra disappeared into her head after I asked what her dream was about. I wasn’t sure where she went, but I didn’t think she realized tears were streaming down her cheeks until she sniffled a little.
“Oh, God, I’m sorry.” She scrunched her face in a pained grimace, embarrassment radiating off her in waves. As if I hadn’t cried in front of her plenty of times.
“Hey. It’s okay, Sierra.” I reached out to swipe away a stray tear, my finger lingering at the scar tissue on the apple of her cheek. “It’s okay to cry.”
“No. No it’s not.” She forced the words out through gritted teeth. “It’s not, because it’s all my fault.”
I pulled over on the side of the road, because I wanted to give her the attention she deserved and I couldn’t do that from behind the wheel.
I put the truck in park before opening my door and hopping out, ignoring Sierra’s, “What are you doing?” to run over to her side.
Flinging open the door to a wide-eyed look, I murmured, “Come here,” and opened my arms for her.
She unbuckled her seatbelt, wrapping her arms around me after turning so her legs were hanging out of the pickup. I stepped closer to her, nudging her legs apart so I was standing between her knees.
Sierra rested her head on my shoulder as I reached up to pet her hair. Hot tears dripped from her cheeks onto my shirt as I stroked my fingers through her dark strands, doing my best to soothe the ache I knew she was feeling in her heart.
“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”
“I’m sorry.” Her chest heaved as she choked out another sob. “I didn’t want you to decide to leave.”
I wasn’t sure what she meant, but I still did my best to reassure her. “I’m not going anywhere, Skip. I promise you. I’m right here.”
She shook her head wildly, mumbling, “No. No. No,” over and over again.
I cradled her head as I whispered into her hair. “I’m not going to leave you, Skip.”
No one was around at this hour, so it was just us sitting on the side of an empty, dark highway with only the light of the cab and the moon and stars overhead. I didn’t know how much time had passed, but by the time she let go of me and pulled away, my shirt was soaked with teardrops.
“W-we should go back,” she whispered. “It’s getting late.”
“Are you sure?” I dropped my hands to the sides of her thighs, splaying my fingers out in a gentle hold. “We don’t have to go back yet if you’re not ready. We can stay here longer.”
She turned away, forcing my hands to fall off her legs as she swung them into the cab. “Yeah, I’m sure. We should go.”
A small hint of rejection settled in my bones, and I wondered if I did something wrong, said the wrong thing, but I pushed it away.
It’s not because of you. It’s just late.
We drove back to the house in silence. It wasn’t until I pulled into the driveway, and the porch light on the house illuminated the inside of the pickup, that I realized she’d fallen asleep.
Soft snores rose into the cab after I killed the ignition.
After walking over to her side of the truck, I gently removed her seatbelt and lifted her into my arms, being as careful as I could not to wake her.
“Mmmm,” she moaned as she snuggled her head into the gap between my neck and shoulder.
I managed to get inside the house without waking her up and padded down the hall to her bedroom. Pancho was asleep on the floor, and I stepped around him, laying Sierra under the white sheets and lilac comforter, pulling the covers up to her shoulders.
My body moved on its own accord, and before I could stop myself, my lips pressed against her cool forehead. She shifted a little but didn’t wake up, her lips twitching up into a soft smile.
“Sweet dreams, Skip,” I whispered as I backed away from the bed, out of the room, and closed her door with a quiet click before retiring to my own bed alone.
The next morning, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Sierra said in the car. What did she mean by it was all her fault?
I didn’t think anyone—least of all me—faulted her for what happened to her as a kid. She was just that, a kid.
She was still sleeping when I got up around nine o’clock, having not gotten much sleep after we returned to the house.
I made a quick breakfast of eggs, bacon, and a toasted bagel before scribbling out a note and leaving it on the counter for Sierra when she woke up.
Heading to Jake’s for a bit. There’s breakfast in the fridge if you want it.
-Hayes
It was a peaceful morning—a stark contrast to only a few hours ago.
The sun beamed down on the earth through the clouds, creating dapples of light on the prairie.
Birds sang, despite it being October, and the weather starting to cool down.
Part of me wished I’d woken Sierra up so she could see this.
So she could know that even after the darkest nights, the sun still rose.
I pulled into Jake’s driveway, taking in the guest house he’d been working on.
They’d made a lot of progress already. He had contractors come in and work on the house while we were on the road, so the roofing and siding were already finished.
I assumed the next step was electrical and plumbing, then insulation and drywall.
But Jake was right. I thought by the time spring rolled around, he’d have a nice little house here.
A tapping on my window got my attention.
“What’s up, Hayden?” Jake’s brows furrowed. “Everything all right?”
After killing the engine, I hopped out of the pickup. “Yeah, everything’s good. I just thought I’d swing by to see how the house is coming along. Feels like I haven’t been out here in forever.”
“You haven’t,” he pointed out as we started walking toward the house. “But that’s okay. I’m really happy with the progress we’ve made.”
“What do you plan to do with the house once it’s finished?” I’d always kind of wondered what Jake needed a guest house for. He wasn’t close with his family, and the rental market in Silver Creek wasn’t exactly booming.
He shrugged. “I dunno. Rent it out as an Airbnb or something.”
“To who?” I laughed.
“There’s always people passing through looking for places to stay. Market it the right way, and it’ll be fine. I can see the description now.” He waved his hand in front of his face as though imagining something. “Quaint guest house on a Montana ranch. A quiet sanctuary to find solace. Eh? Eh?”
I snorted. “Let me know how that goes.”
“What’s the real reason you came over here?” He raised his brows at me.
My shoulders drooped as I released a sigh. “Sierra said something last night that I haven’t been able to get past.”
Jake tilted his head and flashed his palm in a request to continue. “Care to elaborate?”
“She had a nightmare, and I knew she wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep without something to distract her, so I suggested we go on a drive.
I was stupid and asked her what her dream was about, and she disappeared into her head for a bit.
When she came back to me, she was crying.
I told her it was okay to cry and she said it’s not because it was all her fault,” I explained as quickly as possible, leaving out the part about the sweatshirt and the song and everything else about last night.
“What was her fault?”
“That’s what I’m confused about. I have no idea.”
Jake looked like he was debating what to say, ultimately swallowing and biting the bullet. “What exactly happened with you two?”
I blew a raspberry. “Depends on how much time you have.”
“As much time as you need, brother. If it makes it easier, you can help me do some work on the house.”
“Ah, so you’re hoping to get some free labor out of me, is that it?” I teased.
He rolled his eyes. “Forget I mentioned it. But you’ve never talked about Sierra before. Something had to have happened.”
So, we were really doing this.
“Sierra and I were best friends. She moved to Goldfinch our freshman year of high school, and she was…shy.”
“Really?” His eyes widened as he interrupted me.
“Guarded is maybe a better word for it. But she opened up as we grew older, and I…” My eyes shifted to the ground as I kicked around the dirt with my boot.
“I loved her. I still love her, but things happened and it’s not my place to say, but she’s gone through a lot of pain in her life.
I wouldn’t wish what happened to her on my worst enemy.
Anyway, I didn’t see her for two years after I graduated high school.
We reconnected while I was in college, but right when I thought maybe she was back, that maybe the girl I loved hadn’t disappeared, she was gone without a word. ”
Jake blew out a puff of breath. “Damn, dude.”
Scrubbing my hand across my chin, I nodded, lips drawn into a thin line. “Yeah.”
“Have you told her how you feel?”
My hand moved up to my forehead, and I rubbed the skin above my eyebrows as I shook my head.
“When she first moved in, she told me she wanted to start over. To be friends. I don’t want to ruin whatever it is we have.
Not when I have her back again. I-I don’t want to lose her again. I can’t lose her again.”
“I’m not sure I’m the right person to be asking for advice.
” He forced out a laugh. “But I really think you’re going to have to tell her how you feel.
Imagine you don’t and once she gets her trailer situation figured out she does leave.
Are you comfortable with the idea of watching her fall in love with someone else?
Are you willing to watch her move on, and are you going to be able to move on too? ”
Fuck.
“That’s probably one of the smartest things you’ve ever said to me. I kinda hate it.” I laughed, but there was no humor in it. “I don’t want to move on. I don’t want her to move on. She’s my one and only love, I’m sure of it. And I want to be hers, too. I just don’t know how to say it.”
He didn’t offer me any more advice, having said what he needed to say, but he patted me on the back anyway. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You always do.”
On my drive home, after I put down the sun visor, the corner of a piece of paper or something of the like sticking out from under the mirror cover caught my eye.
I pulled on the corner and a polaroid photo—one I’d completely forgotten about—of me, Sierra, and Keenan before our senior year homecoming dance fell out.
Keenan had his tongue out and was putting bunny ears behind my head.
Sierra was holding up a peace sign with pouted lips, and I was looking at her like she was the only star in my sky.