Chapter 3
Maya
Coffee. Cup. Sugar.
As if controlled by a remote, I move around in the kitchen of our shared apartment. I can barely keep my eyes open, only perceiving the outlines of the minimalist kitchenette with its pale green plastic fronts and the wobbly flea market table in the dim morning light.
Bowl. Cereal. Milk. Spoon.
Hardly have I returned the milk carton to the fridge when someone embraces me from behind. A questionable blend of smoke and alcohol wafts into my nose. A head leans heavily against my back, accompanied by a contented sigh in my ear.
Elina.
"Hey, Pippi Langstrumpf," she murmurs, even though today I'm dressed very subtly. Not even hairpins adorn my black hair. Just the colorful nails, the scarf around my hips, and the vibrant plastic jewelry bring some color to my outfit. That much should be allowed.
The fact that Elina is awake at this hour, despite not having a shift, can only mean one thing. "Looks like someone was out partying." I force the corners of my mouth up.
She releases me and leans against the sink. "It was amazing." She looks a bit like a surfer girl who has just won a tough competition. There's a strange glow on her cheeks, her ocean-blue eyes shine, and her blond mane is tousled.
I inspect her smile suspiciously. "Did you meet someone?"
Her vigorous nod makes her whole body tremble. "His name is Flo. And he's... oh."
"Did you spend the night with him?" My eyebrows inevitably rise.
The sheepishly blissful expression on her face and how she now places her hands on her glowing cheeks make any answer unnecessary.
Although I've witnessed it countless times before, I still can hardly believe it. How can she become so involved with a complete stranger so quickly?
Quickly, I grab my bowl and steer Elina toward the kitchen table. While I spoon my cereal, she tells me how she met Flo and what they did together last night. When she mentions that they plan to meet again this afternoon, I feel nauseous.
"Going for ice cream in the park. Isn't that romantic?" I can see that she's already mentally standing in front of her wardrobe, pulling out one top after another.
I just grunt and take the last spoonful of my cereal into my mouth.
Love at first sight doesn't exist.
Elina is too smart to believe in such nonsense. Why does she always throw herself headlong into relationships that never last long anyway?
"This time it's different," she says, as if she knows exactly what I'm thinking. "He's the one. "
"If that's the case, then I'm happy for you." For her sake, I force a smile and reach for my empty cereal bowl.
"Flo has a really cute friend who's single. He would be perfect for you," I hear Elina say in a conspiratorial tone.
Definitely not.
I generally stay away from men. Even if they smile at me so blissfully like the one with the baseball cap in the toy store yesterday, I want nothing to do with them.
It's better this way.
My gaze shifts to the clock on the microwave. Half past eight. I still have more than enough time before my appointment, but I would rather cut out my own tongue than continue this conversation. "As much as I'd love to chat with you, I have a job interview."
"Fine, I'll be quiet." She throws her arms up in feigned theatricality. Then she tilts her head. "Wait a minute. Why an interview? Today is the biology exam you need for admission to university."
Theoretically, that's correct. But in practice, it's not. "I'm not going to take it." Because it doesn't make any sense anyway.
I know Elina's sympathetic expression all too well. "Cold feet?"
Strained I massage my temples. "But you know the material for the exam."
Elina doesn't even consider giving up. She's the only one here who believes that. She doesn't want to admit it, but I will never understand biology. I would have failed anyway. Besides, it's not just about that anymore .
"Have you forgotten that I just lost my internship position?" I hastily put my bowl in the dishwasher.
Suddenly, she's standing next to me. "So what? You can make up the required hours at another kindergarten." She sounds as if it's no big deal.
But it is. "And where am I supposed to get the money for that?" I worked shifts in a shoe factory for months, only to get by on the internship allowance for a while. My financial cushion is almost depleted, and I can't count on any government support.
Even Elina doesn't have an answer to that. She simply presses her usually elegantly shaped lips together.
"Besides, Nadine says I'm unsuitable as an educator." I shrug. It's easier for me to pretend that none of this affects me.
Her penetrating gaze meets mine, and she furrows her eyebrows. "Why do you believe that stupid cow? She was just jealous because the children liked you better than her."
I slam the dishwasher shut with a loud noise. "All of this was just a crazy idea of mine," I counter. Because by now, I'm sure that's what it is. The internship was the easiest part of my plan. So I've already failed at the first step. "I would never have passed the qualifying exams for university. Not to mention the actual study."
"But I would have helped you," she says, jutting out her lower lip demonstratively.
Sure, she would have, but it wouldn't have made a difference. Not everyone is as brilliant as the newly minted doctor leaning against the fridge, studying me intensely. The truth is, I failed in school at the age of sixteen. And since then, I've started about a thousand things and haven't finished any of them. Elina knows that all too well.
I wave her off tiredly. "Just let it go. It is what it is." I try to lean on the kitchen countertop, but my hand grasps nothing. I stumble, almost falling.
"Doctor Freud would see it differently." Judging by her convincing expression, she really believes that.
Whenever something goes wrong for me, she thinks it's a Freudian slip. Something my subconscious does to make my conscious mind realize that I'm wrong.
"Stop with this nonsense." I cross my arms defensively in front of my chest.
"It's not your fault that things have gone so badly for you," she says, adding insult to injury. "Considering what you've been through..."
"Stop." I take a step toward her, determined. This topic is taboo, and she knows it well. "I just don't have what it takes. Let's leave it at that."
Wordlessly, my friend rises from her chair and embraces me. "You can't keep going on like this, Maya," she whispers lovingly in my ear. Her hand trails across my back.
She acts as if I have a choice. But I don't. "Oh, yes, I can," I retort snappily, just so she'll finally stop pressuring me.
Only those who are brave reach their destination . Great, now my father's voice is also joining in. It's as if he's teaming up with Elina against me.
This has to stop.
Right now.
They should leave me alone.
Both of them!
I tear myself away forcefully. "That's the end of the discussion. My job interview is waiting. Or do you want to pay the rent all by yourself from now on?"
Her expression darkens. "The utility bills for electricity and heating oil arrived yesterday. It doesn't look good."
Not that I'm happy about it, considering that Elina barely earns anything during her practical year and still has to pay off her student loan. But at least our shared financial struggles work in my favor. "Even more reason," I say quickly and whirl around. I walk into the hallway and slip on my worn-out flip-flops.
"One more thing," I hear Elina call.
"What?" I hastily grab my bag.
My friend appears in the doorway. "You're wearing your top inside out. Just a heads-up." A big grin spreads across her lips.
Oops, how did that happen? I quickly correct the mistake, and then put on my white summer hat with the boldly patterned band. "Is it good now?"
"Perfect, Pippi." A compassionate smile rests on her lips. "Have a nice day."
I wave briefly, then make sure I get out. Maybe Elina means well, but I can't stand this unasked-for meddling in my life.
My gaze goes to the wristwatch. I still have plenty of time until my appointment. I don't have the money for shopping or a visit to a café, so I wander aimlessly through Vienna. I stroll along the cobblestones of the narrow streets, cross the Ring Road, and walk farther toward the June sun. As if the bright light can give me what I need most right now: hope.
Just because the trial work at the toy store went poorly yesterday doesn't mean anything. I'm sure I'll find another job. Just something that brings in enough money to get by. After all, that's what really matters. I want to believe in that alone as I turn into the Belvedere Gardens. Accompanied only by the crunch of the gravel path under my flip-flops and the distant noise of the street, I don't even realize that I keep walking and walking.
Until it's too late.
When I look up again, the red brick archway dominates my vision field.
I'm too close. Way too close.
I can even make out the ornaments of the wrought-iron entrance gate. And the sign, its smooth surface gleaming brightly in the morning sun.
St. Marx Cemetery.
Only a few yards separate me from the entrance. Through the bars of the gate, I can see the weeping willows that nestle against the edge of the path, seemingly leading into infinity. Their branches reach down to the ground. Although the leaves shine in a lush green, they do not convey happiness.
I look to the right, where the gravestones are.
Hello, Maya. I thought you'd never come . His warm, deep voice in my head sends a shiver down my spine.
I shouldn't be here.
And my father, he definitely shouldn't be here.
I have to leave. Immediately.
I turn to leave hastily. I pick up my pace, even starting to run. Faster and faster, as if the shadows of the past can't catch up with me as long as I keep moving.
The sun climbs higher. It shines with all its might, and soon I'm relieved to see the dark silhouette behind me growing smaller. I breathe in the stuffy air of Vienna, feel the burning heat on my damp skin, and hear the buzz of voices around me.
I am safe. Gasping for breath, I lean on my knees.
"Everything is fine," I remind myself in a constant loop until I can believe my own words.