Chapter 23
Maya
I wish I could sit still. But I can't. Instead, I pace the rows of seats in the waiting room of the clinic like a restless tiger. I hear every sound. I see every scratch on the floor and smell the artificial orange scent of the disinfectant. Yes, I can even feel the midnight sun shining through the tall windows next to me on my skin. It's as if my senses are turned up to the maximum, not wanting to miss anything.
Because there, behind the double doors labeled something like Operating Rooms , the worst thing imaginable could be happening right now.
The surgery could go wrong. The doctors could unintentionally injure Josh's spine. The anesthesia could trigger an allergic reaction. His heart could stop beating.
I clench my fists until my knuckles turn white. I shouldn't even be here. Sophia is safely asleep at the hotel. Yet not only Jasmin should be there if she wakes up. Moreover, I shouldn't be so worked up about this. Clearly, this is not the right moment to lose control. And Josh should matter much less to me.
Positive thoughts are the beginning of everything good , my father reminds me in my innermost being. Of course, he's right.
For the twenty-fifth time, I walk up to the counter. The lady with a neat, short haircut and full cheeks shakes her head before I even have a chance to speak.
"Any news?" I ask her nonetheless in broken English.
She raises her hands apologetically. Her gaze admires my earrings, brushing against my shoulders with every movement.
Suddenly, one of the lights on her phone illuminates. OR 3 is calling.
Anxiously, I lean over the counter as she picks up the receiver. Once again, I wish Elina were here. She could surely translate what the soft voice on the other end of the line is saying.
"Mm-hmm." The hospital employee nods and takes notes on her computer screen, visible only to her.
That's not very informative. "Any news?" I repeat, as no other words come to mind.
Instead of answering, she raises a cautionary finger. "Okay," she says to her conversation partner, then slowly places the receiver back in place.
"Now tell me already," I plead with her in German, even though I know she doesn't understand me. My legs are restless, my body tense. I'm ready to dash off at any moment.
She nods her head toward the double doors, which then start to move. A gentle smile graces her lips.
That's a good sign. A blond man in a surgical gown appears behind the door. He accompanies me along the seemingly endless corridor until we reach an inconspicuous white door. Slowly, he opens it.
On the other side, in the bed, lies Josh with his eyes closed and a bandage around his neck.
I'm instantly by his side, reaching for his hand. His fingertips move ever so slightly, and that alone is enough to release the tension within me.
He's alive!
I take a deep breath. "Was the surgery successful?" I ask the gentleman who escorted me here.
I don't understand his response, but I can see that he gives a detailed report.
Dammit, why is my English so bad? I should have pushed myself harder in school.
As he finishes his monologue with a satisfied smile, I thank him with a nod for the information. Although I didn't understand his explanations at all, I strangely feel relieved.
He withdraws, and suddenly, I am alone with Josh. His hand is still in mine, radiating that comforting warmth. I should let go, but now his fingers wrap around mine. He holds on tight, not wanting me to leave. A tingling sensation runs through my skin. There is so much comfort emanating from him that I dare to cautiously sit on the edge of the bed.
With my gaze, I follow the thin plastic tubes leading to beneath the bandage around his neck. The device by his side keeps emitting the same beeping sound. On the monitor, I can see a chart of his heartbeat. I can feel it in my fingers. Suddenly, Josh's eyelids flutter.
I lean over him. "Hey," I whisper.
"Maya!" He sounds relieved.
"I'm here." Without thinking, I place my hand against his cheek. My thumb moves on its own accord over his stubble.
Once again, he lifts his eyes. "It's done." The weariness in his gaze disappears. It makes room for something entirely different .
Determination.
He went through with this surgery. He knows that his chances of success were slim from the start. But that never stopped him from believing in a miracle. "I will play again," he says with a strength that overwhelms me.
How does he do it?
I rest my head on his chest. If only I could have some of his strength. If only I could feel what he feels when he thinks about his future. "Why aren't you afraid?" I ask, as that emotion dominates me in situations like this.
Hardly have the words left my mouth when I hear his heart beating even stronger than before. "I am. Always."
Surprised, I look up. Did he actually just admit that he feels the same as me? "Afraid of what?"
"Of not being good enough."
Bull’s-eye. It's as if he puts into words what I have carried inside me for so long. That is what torments me the most. The fear of not being good enough. It controls me, it diminishes me, and it prevents me from even trying. It's what keeps me from pursuing my goals.
But for him, it's something entirely different.
"But you are," I say with conviction. "Just because you never give up."
Suddenly, he appears wide awake. "Just like you."
No. I'm a master at throwing in the towel. Whenever things get tough, I give up.
Hastily, I shake my head.
"You only believe what you want to believe. But I have seen the truth with my own eyes." He tenderly strokes the back of my hand .
What does he mean? I look at him inquisitively as my fingers instinctively intertwine with his.
"Sophia," he says as if that explains everything. He raises his eyebrows. "On your first day at work, you could have run away, and considering how the little girl behaved, no one would have blamed you."
That's true. I stayed. I fought. Without fear and without doubt, I persisted until the silent, sad child with explosive outbursts of anger turned into a laughing, dancing, and singing girl.
My God, he's right!
Warmth fills me. I am filled with hope and feel something I thought I had lost long ago.
Strength.
"I can do this," I murmur absentmindedly. When something is truly important to me, I can fight for it. And even win.
I don't need any further proof. Because at this moment, it becomes clear to me what I need to do next. From now on, I will do everything in my power to make my dream come true. The qualification exam is the first step. Tomorrow, I will register for the next available biology exam. And the salary I earn over the summer will provide a financial cushion for me to complete the required internship in the fall.
Excited, I beam at Josh. I am unable to say anything, but I don't have to.
A loving smile spreads across his face. His fingers release mine and trail to my décolletage. Right where my heart beats with full force, they come to a halt. "You are stronger than you think."
I am. I can overcome any obstacle; I feel it deeply. Even the hurdle between Josh and me no longer seems so powerful. To trust him and to let myself fall in his presence suddenly feels effortless.
Nothing holds me back anymore.
I lean closer to him and look deep into his eyes. Being so close to him no longer scares me. I no longer want to run away or fight against losing myself in the green of his iris.
Everything within me gives in. The distance between us diminishes. The warmth of his skin surrounds me. We are closer than ever before. But that's not enough. Because his lips are irresistibly drawing mine in. And I can see in his gaze that he feels the same way.
Just a moment ago, my heart pounded so fiercely that I could feel it everywhere. Now, it slows down with the world around us. I don't perceive anything else. Just Josh. And how he looks at me.
I surrender. And let happen what my longing has been begging for so long. I place my lips on his. He returns my kiss, and in that same instant, I float weightlessly. I am in a place where every dream can come true.