Chapter 39
Maya
I drag myself up the stairs. My legs are heavy, as is my head. It's as if a dense fog surrounds my whole body. I can barely perceive anything, let alone think. All I know is that I have to conquer one last floor.
Then I will be home.
After nearly twelve hours on the train and another five hours at various train stations, I've made it. But even though there are now over eight hundred miles between Josh and me, I don't feel free. My escape hasn't helped. He is still in my thoughts.
He and his cursed bottle.
Exhausted, I take the final step and rummage in my handbag for the key. It's not even six o'clock, so I open the door as quietly as I can. The familiar scent of our shared apartment greets me. It could embrace me, if it weren't for that silly giggle.
"And you really are a firefighter?" I hear Elina ask in a sugary tone.
She has a new lover. Please, no.
"No fire can harm me," the deep male voice oozes with arrogance. "Not even the fire in your eyes."
"Which fire are you talking about?" Elina’s words are followed by a pleasant murmur.
This simply can't be true. She can't fall for another idiot already !
Just two weeks ago, she was crying her eyes out over Flo. She swore to herself and to me that she wouldn't give her heart away so easily anymore. And now she does this. What is wrong with her?
Anger rises inside me. I could vomit. Right here, right now.
Blindly, I stumble through the open door of her room and find the two of them half naked on the bed. "Are you out of your mind?" I yell at my roommate.
She pulls the sheet over her legs. "Excuse me?" Confusion fills her gaze as she looks at me, then her eyebrows suddenly shoot up. "What happened to you?"
"Irrelevant," I reply curtly. "The question is, what are you doing here?" I sound a bit like her mother, but right now, I can't help it. "What is this supposed to be?"
Elina turns to the guy with the well-defined upper body. "Can you wait for me for a moment?" she asks him in a coquettish tone. He emits a repulsive grunt, his hands wandering under the sheet.
Seriously? Is she serious? "You're out of your mind," I shout. Then I leave the room with a racing pulse.
This is too much for me. Everything is too much. In the past eighteen hours, I have gone through hell. And it only leads me to another low point.
"Let's talk, Maya." Elina rushes after me and grabs my upper arm.
I break free and storm into my room. "I wouldn't know what to talk about."
She follows me, slams the door behind her, and fixes her gaze on me. "What gives you the right to barge in here like that?"
"And what gives you the right to start fooling around with another guy even though by now you should know how it ends?" I've never spoken these words before. When she was newly in love, I quietly warned her. When she was down, I picked her up. That ends today. "How foolish can you be to keep making the same mistake over and over again?"
Anger spreads across her face. "That's none of your damn business."
"Oh really? So I guess we're not friends then?" I wrap my arms around myself. "My mistake. I apologize."
Breathing heavily, she reaches out her hand to me. "What are you talking about, Pippi?" Her voice suddenly turns gentle.
She can spare me that. "You know what? Just go back to your firefighter. Lick each other for as long as you want. You'll see where it gets you." Bitterness fills me as I turn away and focus on the colorful dream catchers on the wall. I can barely suppress a sob.
"But Jonas is the right one," she murmurs softly.
Unbelievable.
Did she really just say that?
I spin around. "Well, that's something new." The sarcasm in my voice is unmistakable.
"What's going on with you, anyway?" She tilts her head to the side inquisitively. "Even though you're supposed to be in Geneva, you suddenly show up in the middle of the night. You look like a zombie, and you're acting as if someone sucked all the feelings out of you." She scrutinizes me intently. "What happened, Maya?"
As if she cares. "That's none of your damn business," I deliberately repeat her words from earlier .
"Let me help you," she adds, to top it all off, coming closer to me. "Tell me what's going on."
Absolutely not. I shake my head. I can't talk about it. There's only one way to deal with it.
Bury the memory deep inside me and build walls that I can't overcome.
"I'm always here for you." She wraps her arms around my shoulders. "You've helped me so many times. Just give me the chance to do the same for you, just once."
I can't stand her closeness. And certainly not her soft tone.
"You will never process what happened back then if you don't start facing it," she insists emphatically.
Now she's using psychological tricks? Who does she think she is? "I'm not one of your damn patients," I snap. "I'm perfectly fine."
She scans my body with her eyes. Surely, she notices the trembling in my hands. "Sure. Perfectly fine. Clearly."
The way she's looking at me now, even more pressure weighs on me. She wants me to give in. To bring up everything I've buried deep inside me, memories and pain, and then analyze the pieces together with her.
As if that would help.
Nothing can help me. What happened, happened. With my father and with Josh. I was too foolish to recognize what lay behind their facades in time.
"Friends are there for each other. It's not a one-way street, Maya. Just let me be your support, just once." Elina refuses to give up. Because she feels obliged, nothing more .
That won't lead anywhere. Right now, I just wish she would finally disappear. I have to deal with this on my own, as I always have. "Your lover is waiting." I nod toward the hallway.
Suddenly, I see a suspicious gleam in Elina's eyes. "So that's how much our friendship means to you," she says bitterly. For seconds, she doesn't release me from her gaze. "You'll never change, will you?"
Maybe. I shrug, unable to form a coherent thought. My reaction causes tears to well up in the corners of her eyes. Shaking her head, she bites her lip.
We look at each other. But neither of us says anything. Because there's nothing left to say.
After what feels like an eternity, she makes her way back to her damn happy life. I'm alone. Surrounded by my darkness and plagued by self-blame.
I should have never let Josh get so close to me. From the beginning, I felt it was wrong, yet I didn't fight hard enough against it.
Exhausted, I collapse in the middle of my room onto the laminate floor. I curl up like a cat and cry all the tears that are still inside me.