Chapter 43
Maya
The gravel crunches beneath my flip-flops. The birds chirp, and the branches of the weeping willows sway gently in the wind. It's still early in the morning, yet a young woman is already placing flowers on a fresh grave. An elderly couple walks arm in arm along the path, weaving through the partially moss-covered angel statues, leading into the adjacent park.
I can't believe that I'm really here. Taking step after step without a moment's hesitation. My breath is heavy, but I am determined.
Nearly twelve years after his passing, we will see each other again for the first time today. Memories from the day of his burial flood my thoughts. I can almost smell the snow that fell in thick flakes from the gloomy sky. I hear my mother's sobbing, and I feel the trembling in my own hands.
Then and now, I carry the music box with me. As I draw closer to his final resting place, I cling to it like a lifeline.
There, ahead, is his gravestone. Ivy winds its way up the edge, and the grave is covered in lichens and grass. Only the wrought-iron lantern on the pedestal and the stone itself serve as a reminder that a person is buried here.
I approach and sink to my knees in the grass. Carefully, I trace the inscription on the tombstone with my fingertips. The date of his passing is obscured by an ivy vine. I push it aside.
Peter Schwarzmann. 02/25/1964 – 12/24/2009.
I have to swallow several times before I can say anything. "Hello, Dad," I croak finally. "Sorry that I come only today."
If he were here now, he would surely embrace me and gently stroke my hair. He would understand why it has been so difficult for me. Thank you for being here , he would say in his infinitely soft voice, without blaming me.
With trembling fingers, I take the candle I brought out of my handbag and light it. Then I place it in the lantern, leaving the door open to watch the dancing flame as I gather all my courage to carry out my intention.
"We need to talk," I finally say in a thin voice. My gaze furtively returns to the gravestone. "You know what it's about."
It is probably time , I hear him whisper wistfully within me. That's it. And as much as a part of me would like to prolong this conversation indefinitely, I can feel that it must happen now.
"Do you remember how we used to swing together? Our plan was to get so high that we could touch the sky," I sigh longingly. "We just gave everything for that. And in fact, at one point I had so much momentum that I felt like I could fly. I held out my hand, desperate to make it."
My voice breaks. I press my lips together.
"Do you know why I wanted it so desperately?" I ask with bitterness .
For the first time since his death, he remains silent within me. Yet I am certain that he knows the answer.
"Because up there, in the sky, there were no problems that were so unbearable in my real life. Because the sky was filled with those wonders you often spoke about."
My nose swells. I clench my fists and breathe out shakily. I've come this far. There's no turning back now. What has remained unspoken between us for far too long must be said today.
"For as long as I can remember, I have pretended not to see what is happening right before my eyes. In my mind, I have built a world of my own. To have a place where I can escape to."
Not only did he lie to me for years, but I also lied to myself.
But that is over now.
All the seemingly beautiful memories of him come crashing down on me. But the image of the weary man with wise sayings, who worked himself to the point of breaking for his family, is no longer within me.
Today, I see him as he truly was.
I know that he often hugged me just to have something stable to hold on to, something that wouldn't waver with him. And that the sparkle in his eyes was not solely due to his love for me.
"I protected you, ignored your addiction, lied for you. And in the end, it only helped you continue to drown yourself and destroy my childhood."
It's out. I've said it.
But that is still not enough. "With your wisdom, you gave me so much. But at the same time, you destroyed everything. You destroyed me," I shake my head, silent tears streaming down my cheeks. Far beyond his death, what he did to me still haunts my soul. It has never been as clear to me as it is today.
"With your words, you always encouraged me to believe in myself. But your actions led me to feel worthless and small my whole life." Now that the dam inside me has burst, I can no longer hold anything back. "You constantly broke your promises, and every time, I forgave you. You even forgot my birthday in your drunkenness, and somehow, I ended up trying to cheer you up with a drawing that you never even saw because you had already fallen asleep. That's how little I meant to you."
Anger wells up inside me. He destroyed my trust in all people, even those who deserve it. Especially in Josh.
"Whatever you did, I loved you unconditionally. I did everything for you, while you only had to do one thing for me." Alcohol was always more important to him. His damn addiction had such a firm grip on him that I never had a chance. "No one could have stopped it, right?" I sniffle. "Because you didn't want to change."
I clench my teeth together. Because right now, a realization is rising within me that has the power to tear down even the last foundations inside me.
"I am not the failure between the two of us. You are." In my words lies that exact mix of melancholy and pity that I suddenly feel so strongly in my heart.
And suddenly, what didn't fit together before finally makes sense. Because now, as I can see the whole truth about my father, I feel one thing with certainty.
Josh and he have nothing in common .
My father was already drunk in the mornings. He truly cared about nothing and no one except his bottle. Josh, on the other hand, now does everything to be there for Sophia. He helped me believe in myself because despite my father's great words, his actions only showed me that I was worthless.
Josh is not an alcoholic. He never was, and he never will be. It's the fear of failing that forced him to temporarily reach for the last lifeline available.
I know that fear all too well. I know how it feels when the pressure threatens to suffocate you. I know what lies behind his dreams, and I know that his makeshift solution will soon no longer be necessary.
"At first, I thought Josh and I were completely different," I explain to my father, even though I don't owe him anything. "But now I realize that deep down, we feel exactly the same." We both have dreams, hopes, and goals. And we both are plagued by the idea of never achieving them. It's just that our ways of dealing with it are different.
Josh has always fought for his dream, while I let myself be intimidated by the smallest hurdle. Because my father, with his behavior, constantly reminded me that I couldn't win anyway.
But that ends now. It's time for me to stand up for myself. And even more so for my feelings for Josh. It's been a few days since I received any messages from him. He gave up. But I'm ready to fight for our love.
I wipe the tears from my cheeks. Then I take the music box out of my bag and place it at the base of the tombstone, nestled among the ivy vines. I don't need it anymore.
What I truly need to be happy is Josh .
One last time, I place my hand on the tombstone. My gaze finds the engraving of his name, and a compassionate smile spreads across my face.
"I sincerely wish that you find your peace," I say with a steady voice. Because that's exactly what I have just done.