Chapter 45
Maya
There are only two things I want to do now.
Apologize to Josh.
And reconcile with Elina.
Straight from the cemetery, I drove to the clinic. Normally, I know my roommate's schedule, but since our fight, things have been different. I can only hope that she's in the radiology department, where she's currently doing her practical year.
I rush up the stairs and down the hallway. Breathless, I arrive at the nurses' station. And there, indeed, I find Elina. She's leaning against the gray laminated kitchen counter in her hospital gown, sipping tea from an oversized mug.
"Hey." I stand awkwardly in the doorway. Not only because there are two other nurses and three other young doctors in the room with my friend, but also because Elina's guarded expression is far from inviting. "Can we talk outside?"
She calmly blows the air from her mouth over the steaming tea. "As you can see, I'm busy."
"Then I'll wait,"," I say, even though I don't really have the time.
If I want to be on time for Josh's concert in Rome, I need to leave soon. I give Elina a determined look, so she knows how serious I am .
She tilts her head to the side and studies me for longer than I'd like. Then under the interested gazes of her colleagues, she places the cup on the kitchen counter and walks toward me. As she walks, she reaches out and grabs my arm, pulling me along with her.
We end up in a dark room. The only sources of light are the five screens lined up next to each other and the indirect light on the wall, presumably meant to assist in viewing X-ray images. The room is sparsely furnished.
"You have two minutes. No more." She looks at me expectantly, arms crossed.
"Today, I was at the cemetery," I clear my throat, but it doesn't dispel the tightness in my throat. "At my father's grave." Her only reaction is to raise her eyebrows. There is nothing to be heard except for the hum of the lamps. "You always said I had to confront him. And what happened in my childhood," I seek her eyes for help. I can see how surprised she is. The corners of her mouth twitch. "You were right. Just like you were about everything else," I continue.
Suddenly, her lower lip trembles. The vibration is barely visible, but it's there. "My God, Maya..."
Quickly, I raise my hand to stop her. Because there's something else I need to get off my chest. "You always wanted what was best for me. And I was terribly closed off toward you. I didn't want to let you in, never truly confided in you."
More and more wrinkles appear on her forehead.
"I'm incredibly sorry," it bursts out of me. "For everything I said to you and how I pushed you away when you tried to be there for me." I don't dare to get closer to her, I just reach out my hand .
She leans against the half-height cabinet behind her. From her expression, I can tell that she can't believe what's happening.
Yet it's true. Today, I have finally shed my past. I can look forward with a sense of liberation. For the very first time in my life.
"Everyone deserves a second chance because everyone makes mistakes." That's what I didn't understand for so long. I gave my father a thousand chances, none of which he took. But that doesn't mean I can't give someone else a chance. Not everyone is like my father. Not me. Not Elina. And certainly not Josh. "Can you forgive me?"
I watch her closely, tense with anticipation. It feels like minutes pass before she opens her arms. "Oh Pippi..." she says, and I fall into her embrace. Tears of relief stream down my cheeks, and even though I can't see it, I'm certain that Elina feels the same way.
"There's something else I need to tell you," I whisper into her ear with a choked voice. "About Josh. And me."
With a mischievous grin, she pulls away from me. "Oohhh, that sounds interesting. Go ahead, shoot."
We sit on one of the half-height cabinets, letting our legs dangle side by side. With a smile on my face, I simply tell her everything that has happened. I describe every spark and every touch, recount the melody of our dreams , and the feeling that fills me when I look into Josh's eyes. Finally, I muster the courage to confess our fight in Geneva.
"When I saw him there with the bottle, I couldn't think straight anymore. Blinded by anger, I accused him of things that weren't even close to being true," I shake my head at myself. I should have never lost control like that. "But every single word I hurled at him while he stood there helplessly was actually directed at my father. I realized that today."
Elina looks at me with a mixture of admiration and disbelief. "Some people need years of therapy to realize something like that."
I would like to savor the good feeling that Elina's words give me. But there's still something inside me that worries me. "I acted like a raging bitch to Josh and screamed at the poor guy like he had committed the worst crime ever." I wish I could turn back time and be at that moment again. Everything would be different. "Do you think he can forgive me?"
Elina's smile is as warm as the sun. "Based on what you've told me about him, I'm sure he will."
I straighten my shoulders, determined to move forward. "He messaged me and asked me to come back. Every day, sometimes multiple times. But he hasn't contacted me since Sophia's birthday. That was a week ago."
Elina doesn't respond, she just affectionately strokes my upper arm. It's all that's necessary because I already know what needs to happen next.
I jump off the cabinet and pull my shoulders back. "Josh is performing at the International Music Awards in Rome tonight." As soon as I say it, my stomach churns. "I have to go there to talk to him. I'll explain everything and ask for his forgiveness." The words leave my mouth in a rushed manner. Suddenly, breathing becomes difficult. "It just has to work," I add, because one thing is crystal clear to me. Without Josh by my side, I will never be completely happy .
Elina glances at her wristwatch. "It's nine o'clock. How are you going to make it?"
"I'll fly," I reply and immediately take out my phone to search for flights. "Look, here's a flight that lands at five o'clock. From the airport, I can reach the Colosseum in less than an hour, and Josh doesn't perform until nine. It's perfect."
The departure from Vienna is at 3:30 p.m. I have enough time to pack a few clothes. Satisfied, I press the booking button. The price doesn't matter to me. The main thing is that I'll be there on time.
"Fuck," I exclaim as soon as the booking page loads.
Elina peeks at my phone screen. "What's wrong?"
"Sold out," I say, disappointed, and close the page, searching for another flight. But there are none. The ones I could reach now are either full or won't arrive in time.
My fingers move frantically over the screen. "Maybe I can take the train?"
Elina is already searching as well, but she frowns unhappily. "It's too slow." As if to prove her point, she holds her phone in front of my face.
Indeed. The train journey from Vienna to Rome takes fourteen hours. I would only arrive shortly before midnight. "This can't be happening!"
Elina nibbles on her lower lip thoughtfully. "I've got it!" she suddenly says with a radiant smile. "You'll drive there."
"Without a driver's license?" I shake my head, mostly at myself. If I hadn't let myself go so much after my father's death, I would have that damn license. Then I could just get in the car and speed south. "How would that work? "
A mischievous grin spreads across Elina's face. "By me driving, Pippi."
"You would do that for me?" I ask with a trembling voice, tears of relief filling my eyes.
She shrugs as if it were just a minor thing. "My shift ends at 10 a.m. If you organize a rental car, I'm in."
I can hardly believe it yet, but it's really going to happen. Even though the schedule is more than tight. In a few hours, I will be face-to-face with Josh, and I will say all the things I thought I would never be able to express. An exciting tingle spreads within me.
I look at Elina conspiratorially. "Okay. Let's do it."